The Complete Rockstar Series

  I hurry to unlock the dead bolts on the door to our flat, hearing the phone ringing angrily on the other side. Shoving it open, I dump my handbag and run to the side table to answer.

  When I see the number on the caller ID, I jerk my hand back as if the phone burned me.

  Adam’s ringing, again. My eyes sting with unshed tears and I pull in a shaky breath. I can’t deal with him yet. I know it’s cruel and he doesn’t deserve it, but speaking to him and making it final will make everything real. I’m not strong enough yet to do what I know I have to do.

  I vow to pick up when he rings tomorrow, and instead, sit at the table and fill out the forms that I picked up from the local School of Community and Health Sciences to enroll in the nursing program. Mum refuses to discuss me holding off school and getting a job. She insists that the benefits we receive from the government will be enough to get us by. I managed to get a small student loan, so our budget will be tight, but doable.

  My mum doesn’t know, but I also got a part-time job at the hospital to help pay for my books and other fees not covered by the loan. By the time summer’s over and first term starts, I should have a tidy sum to use on other expenses.

  Mum will be home from the doctor soon, it’s just a follow up, so she demanded that she go alone. With nothing to do but sit around and feel sorry for myself, I make a quick dinner and try to thumb through the university’s student conduct code, but I can’t concentrate. Overwhelming sorrow washes over me, draining my mind of hope and my body of its spirit. I thought moving to Hackney was hard and lonely, but it was a walk in the park compared to this. I’d suffer a thousand times the sadness I felt when we left Shepherd’s Bush for the East End if it meant never suffering through this kind of pain again.

  I have never been more alone in my life.

  * * *

  The next day is long and grueling. Two appointments with Mum and a trip to the school to drop off my paperwork. I’m dead on my feet by dinnertime. I order a takeaway because I’m too knackered to cook. We eat our food silently in front of the telly. Well, I eat, Mum picks at hers, unable to eat much of anything.

  After an hour-long bout of nausea, Mum is finally tucked into bed. I let her know I’m going to pop over to Tesco’s to get some shopping. I pull on my shoes and grab some money from the jar near the sink, stuffing it in my pocket.

  Just as I grab the doorknob, the shrill sound of the phone echoes through the tiny flat. My stomach lurches at the realization that I can’t put this off any longer. Adam deserves to move on with his life. I won’t be the one to keep him from reaching his dream. I can’t let him come back here to his pitiful flat and his dreadful family, not for me.

  I already know what I have to say, what I have to do to prevent him from jumping on a plane and coming here. The thought of it causes bile to rise in my throat. If he knew about my dad, that it’s just me and Mum now, he’d be back here even if I demanded that he stay away. And I do want him here with me, so badly that fighting my feelings is like struggling to hold the weight of the world on my shoulders.

  The phone rings again. I take a deep breath and pick up the receiver. “Hello,” I say as calmly as I can manage.

  “Shit! Ellie? Where have you been, Sweetheart? I’ve been going mental trying to reach you!”

  My heart breaks when he uses my pet name. I love him so much that I feel physically ill. My body starts to tremble all over. I have to sit down or else I’ll collapse to the ground sobbing.

  “Adam. I’ve been busy. Sorry I haven’t been sitting by the phone pining for you,” I snap, trying to put as much venom into my words as I can.

  I hear him choke out a gasp. “What’s wrong with you, El? Are you alright? You missed your flight.”

  “I’m fine,” I answer. My eyes fill with tears that silently pour down my cheeks.

  “Don’t be like that. I’m dying here, Sweetheart. I miss you so much. What happened? Why’d you miss your flight?” he asks, his voice so sincere, so loving, that I nearly cave and tell him everything.

  “I’m not coming, Adam. I’ve changed my mind.” I have to cover the phone to hide a whimper.

  “What?” Adam’s voice cracks and I can hear him muffle a sob. “You can’t mean that. What about school? About us? I love you, you have to come, for us.”

  “There isn’t an us anymore, Adam,” I spit out. “We weren’t in love, it was just a silly school age fling.” I nearly vomit as I tell the man that I love the worst lie that’s ever passed my lips.

  “I don’t understand, you can’t mean that,” he whispers, broken and confused. “I thought you wanted to be here with me.”

  Steeling myself, I prepare to finish this, to destroy the last shreds of our relationship, to free Adam to pursue his dream without my baggage holding him back. He was meant to be something bigger than this town, and I refuse to stop it from happening.

  “I do mean it. I enrolled in school here. I…I met someone else, Adam. You need to forget about me. It didn’t mean anything.” I use my sleeve to wipe my tears away, only to have them immediately replaced by more as they endlessly stream from my swollen eyes.

  I hear him inhale a shaky breath. “You don’t mean that. I don’t believe it,” he says in a hoarse voice.

  “Well, believe it. I’m not coming. Good bye Adam,” I say. My heart is beating so fast that I’m afraid I’m having heart failure.

  “Ellie, please…” he pleads with me. My throat constricts and I can hardly swallow the giant lump that’s taken root there.

  “I’m sorry Adam, I have to go.” I place the phone down as I hear him call out my name. It disconnects, ending the conversation and taking my heart with it.

  After everything Adam’s been through with his parents and his brother, being hurt by the family that’s supposed to love him, I’m no better than any of them. I’m just like his dad who beat him, his mum who neglected him, and his brother who used him and almost got him killed. I’m supposed to love him and be there for him no matter what and I discarded him in a cold and heartless way just like them.

  He saved me in that abandoned lot over six months ago, so the least I can do is repay him by saving him from throwing away his life to stay here with me. He can’t come back here to that horrible flat and those horrible people. Adam needs to be freed from this place, and I’m grateful to be able to do it, even if it hurts us both.

  I’ll do it for him, because I love him more than anything. I always will.

  19

  Adam

  “Hey, stop lying around like a useless pair of tits and start getting ready, yeah?” A big foot nudges my leg and Dax’s loud voice blasts in my ear.

  Groaning, I pull a sofa cushion over my aching head. “Shut it, Davies! You don’t have to bloody shout, I’m right here,” I whine, my skull feeling as if it’s about to split in two.

  “I’m not yelling, knob head. You’re fucking hung over. Again.” The cushion is ripped from my grasp, allowing the bright sunlight from our living room windows to smack me in the face like a bobby’s baton. “It’s almost time to be at the club. We have to set up first, then practice and tune up, then meet with the owner to give him our playlist. So get your lazy fucking arse up and get dressed,” Dax says.

  I squint against the painful brightness of yet another sunny day in Los Angeles and swallow down the spinning nausea that rises up my throat when I move. It’s always fucking sunny here. I hate it.

  “Fuck you, Dax. I’m not hung over,” I growl.

  “Then you took a bath in whores and cheap beer last night mate, because you fucking stink.” Strong hands grab my arms and I’m pulled up from the nice soft sofa.

  “Hey, you sodding bastard!” I yell as he shoves me into our shared bathroom.

  I stumble in and the door is slammed behind me. From through the closed door Dax calls out, “Get your disgusting arse cleaned up and be ready to leave in thirty minutes! You’re not fucking up our chance to play at The Viper Room, Adam. So shut your gob and get ready!??
?

  Jesus, he sounds pissed. I start the shower and jump in, not caring that it isn’t warm yet. “Wait!” I yell from under the spray, “We don’t play The Viper Room until September.”

  I hear a noise outside the bathroom that sounds suspiciously like Dax banging his head against the wall. “Adam, it is September, mate.” There’s a pause as I take in this information. It was just June, how did this happen? “Just get ready and I’ll see you in a few,” Dax says quietly.

  Fuck. How did I let time get away from me like that? It feels like just yesterday Ellie was ripping my heart to shreds and stomping on it. Now it’s almost three months later? I can’t even remember last night. All I know is that it’s been an endless binge of alcohol and women as I try to excavate Ellie from my brain. But no matter how much I want to lose those memories so my life will be less painful, they’re branded permanently on my soul.

  I finish showering and grab a few painkillers from under the sink, swallowing them with a gulp of water right out of the tap. I run a hand down the long stubble on my face and neck and take a good look in the mirror.

  I don’t know who I’m looking at, but it sure as fuck isn’t me. The guy in the mirror is a far cry from the laughing, likeable, good-looking man I used to be. My skin is pasty despite the constant L.A. sunshine, there are dark circles under my eyes, my hair is too long and hanging limply in front of my forehead. Plus, I’ve probably lost a full stone since leaving the U.K.

  “Dax!” I call out, opening the bathroom door so he can hear me.

  “What?”

  “Bring me the scissors, yeah? They’re next to the cooker, in that drawer full of crap!”

  A few seconds later, my large friend appears in the doorway, holding out the scissors for me.

  “Thanks.” Gripping my over-long hair, I start hacking at it with the kitchen shears, letting big chunks fall to the floor.

  “What in the fuck are you doing?” Dax exclaims, horrified at the sight.

  “Cutting my hair, what does it look like?” I continue attacking my hair, removing piece after piece until I’m satisfied. “How’s the back?” I ask Dax.

  “Looks like shite,” he says, laughing. He grabs the scissors and trims it up. “There.”

  “Perfect,” I respond, smiling for the first time since the phone call that ended my chance at ever having happiness.

  “Now you just have to shave that ferret off of your face and you’ll be good to go.”

  “Not a problem.” I pull out the shaving cream and get to work.

  “Good to have you back, man,” Dax says seriously, punching me on the arm and leaving me to finish getting ready.

  Right. On the outside I might look like I’m back with the living, but on the inside… I’m dead. I died the day Ellie left me. Lucky for me I’ve had plenty of practice putting on a convincing front.

  * * *

  “God that was brilliant!” Dax yells as we leave the stage at The Viper Room in West Hollywood. “Just fucking brilliant!”

  Gavin and Hawke are smiling and jumping around the dressing room, whooping and hollering in their excitement at having played at one of the most famous clubs in the world.

  “What did you think, Adam?” Hawke asks, throwing his arm around my shoulders. “I think you did great man. The women loved you!”

  “Yeah, it was great,” I agree, forcing a smile to my face. I hadn’t even noticed the women in the audience, not really. They’re always at the shows, batting their eyelashes and coming backstage for a quick fuck or blowjob, but I never really see them. I was much happier with the constant stream of alcohol being brought on stage for me to enjoy during our performance. The women? They come after the show.

  “Hey Adam,” a sultry voice whispers in my ear. I turn and see a fit blonde with huge blue eyes.

  Just my type.

  “Hey gorgeous. Enjoy the show?” I ask her. Raking my eyes up and down her body, I wonder if I’m drunk enough to trick myself into thinking she’s Ellie. I’m still so fucking angry at Ellie for breaking my heart and throwing me out like rubbish, but I’m apparently a twisted bastard because I still want her and the future she promised. So twisted, that I’m using girls who look like her to hang on to the memories.

  “I’d enjoy a private show more,” the girl says as she sticks her tongue in my ear.

  She doesn’t have to ask me twice. I grab her hand and drag her out of the room with her stumbling over her ridiculous heels. I find an empty office next door and shove her inside, pinning her roughly against the wall.

  “You want to fuck me?” I growl, biting up and down her neck. I reach around and grab her tight backside and push forward, grinding my cock into her.

  “Of course I do, you’re hot as hell,” she purrs, trying to capture my mouth in a kiss. I turn my head so she can’t get my lips. It ruins everything if I kiss them. I know who I’m fucking if I’m kissing them, and I don’t want the illusion wrecked. If I’m drunk enough, I can convince myself that I’m with Ellie, but if I taste them, I can’t. No one tastes as sweet as she does.

  I remove a condom from my pocket and unzip, quickly rolling it down my hard length. Reaching under the girl’s skirt, I yank her panties to the side and shove into her without any warning. She goes with it, they always do, even though I pay no attention to her needs or wants. I could give two shits about the girl I’m fucking, she’s using me and I’m using her.

  “Mmmmm, keep going baby,” she moans, running her fingernails under my shirt and across my skin. I pound into her at an unforgiving pace, holding her against the wall as she wraps her legs around me. I bury my head in her neck and imagine that she smells like vanilla.

  “Fuuuck!” I yell as I thrust one final time and empty all of my frustrations into the nameless, faceless girl.

  Panting, I pull out and toss the used condom in the bin, lowering the girl back to her feet. She straightens up her clothes and I zip back up at the same time the door opens and Dax comes barging in.

  “Hey, I’ve been looking for you… oh,” he says when he spots the scantily dressed woman, his eyes flashing back to me as I tuck my dick back into my jeans.

  “What’s going on Dax? Move your big arse.” Someone speaks from the hall, pushes around Dax, and enters the tiny office.

  I’m bowled over in disbelief. “Kate? What the fuck are you doing here?” My mouth hangs open stupidly. Kate is here, from the U.K.

  Am I dreaming?

  “Adam.” Her sharp eyes narrow as she assesses the situation and quickly figures out what’s been going on here.

  I whisper to the girl and nod to Dax. He’ll get rid of her for me. Dax escorts the girl out and thoughtfully closes the door behind him, leaving me trapped with a very angry looking Kate Campbell.

  “Kate…” I hold my hands up, palms out to keep her calm.

  “What the hell Adam!” she shrieks. “How could you do this? After everything Ellie’s been through, you start shagging slags behind her back as soon as she’s out of your sight?”

  I’ve heard enough, now I’m good and mad. I step over and get right in Kate’s face. “What do you mean everything she’s been through? What about me? Huh, Kate? I’ve been through fucking hell here!”

  “You selfish prat,” she hisses, her face twisted with rage. “Ellie’s dad dies and her mum has cancer and you’re here having it off with some slapper? Well fuck you!” Kate reaches out and shoves me with both hands until I stagger backwards into a cheap desk.

  My drunken buzz evaporates in an instant. “What did you say?” I ask, stepping back so I can lean against the desk, now afraid that my shaking legs will no longer hold me upright. “Ellie’s dad died?” I bend over and gasp for air as if someone punched me and knocked the wind out of my lungs.

  Kate’s angry scowl melts when she sees my confusion. “She didn’t tell you?” I shake my head, unable to form a response. “She didn’t tell me either,” Kate continues, “my parents told me yesterday when I rung them up after checking into my dorm
itory. I’ve been traveling with my team all summer and hadn’t rung home in weeks. I came here because I thought she’d be with you.”

  “She’s not with me. What happened?” My heart twists painfully in my chest at the thought of Ellie all alone, dealing with her mum’s cancer, the grief of losing her dad, then losing Dax, Kate, and me. I try to hold in my pain, but it comes out as a strangled sob.

  Kate takes a seat next to me on the desk and puts her hand on mine. I’m shaking, I know she can feel it, but I don’t care if she sees how weak I am, how pathetic I am when it comes to Ellie.

  Kate squeezes my hand. “Drunk driver ran him down.”

  “When?” I’m trying to process this information without losing my shit completely, at least not yet.

  “Early June or late May, I think. Her mum was still in treatment, that part I know. So when is Ellie flying out for school? I’ve been trying to reach her, but her phone number doesn’t work anymore. Mum said they moved out of my old building.”

  “Her number doesn’t work?” I repeat. She must have changed it after we spoke. She moved as well. I have no way to reach her or find her. “She’s not coming,” I whisper hoarsely. “She broke up with me in June. Told me she met someone else and was staying to go to school in London.”

  Kate gasps, and I can tell she feels sorry for me, even after catching me in a back room with some random scrubber. “Adam, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know she did that. You know those are all lies.” She squeezes my hand again and looks at me with pity.

  I jerk away and stand up, suddenly determined to not let her see this get to me. “Don’t look at me like that, Kate. I’m fine. Our band’s doing brilliantly, I get to fuck a different girl every night, what’s not great about that?” The words are there, but they’re as hollow and unconvincing as they feel.

  She tilts her head knowingly and frowns. “Right Adam. You’re fine. That’s why the girl who just left here looked a lot like Ellie.”

  I get right up in her face. “So I have a type! What the fuck, Kate? Why do you give a crap who I’m with, huh?”