Tales From a Not-So-Popular Party Girl

  Sure enough, Brianna showed up just like I expected:

  I TOTALLY FREAKED!!

  And that poor spider seemed a little traumatized too.

  Brianna thought the whole thing was SO funny.

  HA HA HA, Brianna!!

  I don’t know HOW I thought that real spider was Brianna’s fake one.

  Hers is purple with little pink hearts on it and is wearing high top sneakers and a big cheesy smile. It looks like the type of spider you’d find living in a Barbie Dream House or hanging out with SpongeBob SquarePants.

  After that experience, I’ll never forget that “spider” in French is araignée.

  But, is it a masculine noun OR a feminine noun?!

  OH, CRUD!!

  I’m SO going to FLUNK this stupid test !!

  MONDAY, OCTOBER 14

  When I arrived at school this morning, I was surprised to see a note on my locker door from Chloe and Zoey:

  The janitor’s closet is our secret hangout.

  We meet there to discuss very important PRIVATE and HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL personal stuff.

  As soon as I stepped inside, I could tell Chloe and Zoey were superexcited.

  “Guess who’s going to the Halloween dance?!!” Zoey giggled happily.

  “Um . . . I dunno. WHO?” I asked.

  I was pretty darn sure it WASN’T one of us. We were the three biggest dorks in the entire school.

  “SURPRISE!! WE ARE!!” Chloe screamed, jumping up and down and giving me jazz hands.

  “And we’ve already arranged for three guys to be our dates! Sort of!” Zoey squealed.

  “Sort of? What do you mean by ‘sort of’?” I asked.

  I was already starting to get a really bad feeling about this guy thing.

  That’s when Chloe and Zoey explained their crazy plan for how we were going to snag really cool dates for the Halloween dance.

  All in just five easy steps:

  STEP 1: We sign up to be volunteers for the Halloween dance clean-up crew.

  STEP 2: We arrive at the dance a half hour early, pretending like we’re there to inspect for cleanliness. But instead, we secretly change into our fabulous costumes.

  STEP 3: We quickly spread the rumor that the three cutest guys onstage with the band are our dates (even though they’re really NOT).

  STEP 4: Since the band is going to be busy performing the ENTIRE night, the three of us will dance, eat, and hang out with one another.

  STEP 5: We’ll have FUN, FUN, FUN while everyone (including the CCPs) RAVES about our SUPERcute, SUPERtalented, SUPER-pop-star dates.

  This plan was ALMOST as bizarre as the one where they were going to run away and live in the secret underground tunnels of the New York City Public Library.

  I told them there was a slight chance their phony “My date’s a band member!” scheme might work.

  But it would mostly depend on what the guys in the band actually looked like.

  CUTE ’N’ MOODY MUSIC LOVERS . . .

  PUNKED-OUT SCARY WEIRDOS . . .

  The dangerous part is that this whole thing could easily backfire and ruin our reputations.

  And the three of us already have a pretty pathetic ranking in the WCD CCP Popularity Index.

  Here is a chart of the most UNPOPULAR people in our entire school.

  WCD CCP POPULARITY INDEX

  Since there would be a substantial risk I could end up more UNPOPULAR than black slime mold, we definitely needed to come up with a way better idea.

  I suggested that we each make an inexpensive yet creative costume by taking a big green garbage bag and stuffing it full of newspaper and going as . . . (drumroll please) . . .

  BAGS OF TRASH!!

  How CUTE would that be?!

  Especially if we were members of the clean-up crew.

  We’d also need a pair of those yellow latex rubber gloves.

  Just thinking about all the germy things that could be lying around after a big party like that actually made me shudder.

  Ewwww!

  And since we didn’t have dates, we could spend the entire night doing Broadway-style dance numbers using a broom, mop, and vacuum cleaner as our dance partners.

  I personally thought my plan was pure GENIUS!

  But Chloe and Zoey were like, “Um . . . no offense, Nikki, but your idea is actually kind of . . . LAME.”

  Of course that little comment really ticked me off.

  “Okay, girlfriends! You wanna know what I think is LAME?! LAME is attending the Halloween dance as the clean-up crew and then LYING to everyone that the band members are our dates!”

  Chloe and Zoey got really quiet and just stood there staring at me with these big sad puppy-dog eyes.

  And of course I felt kind of sorry for them because I personally knew what it was like to very desperately want to attend the dance.

  So, being the sensitive and caring friend that I am, I decided to put aside my personal feelings and sign up for the Halloween dance clean-up crew.

  I considered it a small sacrifice that would ultimately nurture true and lasting friendships.

  The sign-up sheets for the Halloween dance committees were posted on the bulletin board right outside the office door.

  Lucky for us, no one had signed up for the clean-up crew yet.

  The thing that really bothered me, though, was the sign-up sheet for CHAIRPERSON of the Halloween dance committees.

  For some reason, most of the people who had signed up had crossed their names off the list.

  Which meant there were only three candidates for that position !

  PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE let Violet Baker or Theodore L. Swagmire III be selected as chairperson.

  Otherwise, this clean-up crew thing was going to turn into my worst

  NIGHTMARE!

  TUESDAY, OCTOBER 15

  I LOVE fifth hour because Chloe, Zoey, and I get to work as library shelving assistants (LSAs) !

  Some kids think the library is a quiet and boring place where only dorks and nerds hang out, but we always have a BLAST!

  WE PUT BOOKS BACK ON THE SHELVES.

  WE ANSWER THE LIBRARY TELEPHONE.

  WE PUT OUT NEW MAGAZINES.

  WE AUTHORIZE BATHROOM PASSES.

  And our librarian, Mrs. Peach, is supernice. On Fridays she bakes us these humongous double chocolate chip cookies with walnuts. Yummy!

  I was a little surprised when Mrs. Peach gave me a note saying I was supposed to report to the office immediately.

  My parents were there waiting for me. They were picking me up from school early because they wanted me to attend the funeral of a Mr. Wilbur Roach, a local retired businessman and former president of the Westchester Exterminators Association.

  I couldn’t believe that was actually his REAL name! Poor guy!

  My parents and I had never met him. But since exterminators from all over the state were going to be there with their families, Dad thought it might be a good idea if we attended too.

  I was like, JUST GREAT !! And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I had to listen to Dad’s Pure Disco 3 CD the whole drive there and back.

  By the time I’d heard the song “Shake Your Groove Thing” for the thirty-ninth consecutive time, I wanted to jump out of the car window into oncoming traffic.

  It goes, “Shake your groove thing, shake your groove thing, yeah, yeah,” and then you just repeat those words 1,962 times until the song is over.

  The whole experience ended up being very traumatic for me. I was also upset because I had a bad case of hiccups. Extremely loud ones.

  During the memorial service, Mom kept giving me this dirty look like I was hiccupping on purpose or something. But I honestly couldn’t help it.

  And this guy named Mr. Hubert Dinkle got really choked up while he was up there giving the eulogy. Mom said it was because Wilbur Roach was his best friend.

  I think my hiccups must have gotten on his nerves or something because he stopped right in the middle of his speech, gave me the evil
eye, and growled.

  I am so NOT lying. He actually growled at me!

  My hiccups were driving everyone nuts.

  I was waiting for Wilbur Roach to sit up and YELL at me too!

  Although, THAT would have totally freaked me out! Mainly because he was supposed to be, like, you know . . . DEAD!!!!

  Anyway, my hiccups kept getting worse. Then Mr. Dinkle got an attitude and acted pretty RUDE about the whole thing.

  After Mr. Dinkle practically SCARED me to death AND made me drink that big glass of water in front of everyone, my hiccups finally stopped! Which was a good thing !

  I always wondered why they kept a pitcher of water up there next to the podium like that.

  Who would have thunk it was for an emergency cure for a case of hiccups?!

  After all the drama at that funeral, I’m pretty sure Mom and Dad won’t be dragging me to another one anytime soon.

  Thank goodness for that!

  My only worry now is that since Mr. Dinkle is superold and a part-time church organist, I might unexpectedly run into him again at some point in the future.

  And then he’ll give me a REALLY hard time for ruining his speech.

  MR. DINKLE’S REVENGE

  WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 16

  OMG!

  I have NEVER laughed so hard in my entire life!

  My mom got up extra early this morning and tried out some homemade beauty treatments and relaxation techniques that she’d seen on television.

  She was wearing an oatmeal face mask with cucumbers on her eyes. And she had turned off all the lights in the family room to meditate on the meaning of her life.

  That’s what she said she was doing, anyway. Although, it looked to me like she was sitting in the chair snoozing.

  Anyway, Dad walked in and turned on the lights and like

  TOTALLY FREAKED!

  His scream was so loud and high-pitched, I thought it was going to shatter that big window in our family room.

  Then, when Mom woke up and heard Dad screaming like that, she totally panicked and grabbed hold of him.

  Which made him scream even LOUDER!

  I guess Dad must have thought he was being attacked by some kind of oatmeal-crusted, cucumber-eyed zombie wearing a pink fuzzy robe with a bath towel wrapped around its head.

  Which, I have to admit, DOES sound awfully scary when you think about it.

  I only wish I could have caught that moment on video. I bet it would have gotten, like, 10 million views on YouTube.

  Then some producer would have paid us a million dollars to do our own cheesy reality show.

  OMG! I’m still laughing so hard my stomach hurts!

  !!!

  BTW, I have a really bad feeling about Chloe, Zoey, and me being on that clean-up crew.

  WHY?

  Because when I got to school, everyone was buzzing about the student council selecting MACKENZIE to be the chairperson of our Halloween dance!

  JUST CRAPTASTIC !!

  Of course she made a big fat hairy deal out of the whole thing.

  She actually wore a special outfit for the occasion and insisted that everyone address her as “Miss Chairperson.”

  I personally thought the tiara and roses were a bit much.

  It’s not like I was jealous of her or anything.

  Like, how juvenile would that be?

  The first thing MacKenzie did was call an emergency meeting during lunch.

  Only, there wasn’t any type of REAL emergency that I could see.

  Thirty of us just sat there in this huge auditorium listening to her make a ridiculous speech:

  “I just wanted to congratulate my wonderful Halloween dance committee members and share with all of you my extraordinary vision for what will be the most spectacular event our school has ever experienced. In keeping with this goal, I am officially inviting each and every one of you to my very own birthday party. Which, BTW, has been rescheduled again for Saturday, October nineteenth, due to a conflict with the art awards banquet. I proudly extend this opportunity in hopes that a few of you more, um . . . shall we say . . . socially challenged individuals might experience firsthand what a glamorous and exciting party is like.”

  I almost fell out of my seat!

  I could not believe MacKenzie had just called me socially challenged right in front of everyone, AND invited me to her BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!

  Like, WHY would she want ME at her party?!

  MacKenzie’s speech went on for another ten minutes, and when she finally finished, all the CCPs gave her a standing ovation.

  MacKenzie said the committees for set-up, entertainment, publicity, decorations, and food would meet daily starting tomorrow.

  But the clean-up crew—which, BTW, was me, Chloe, Zoey, Violet Baker, and Theodore L. Swagmire III—didn’t need any meetings “because it doesn’t take a brain to clean up.”

  It was very obvious to me that MacKenzie was treating us clean-up crew members like second-class citizens, and I didn’t like it one bit.

  I personally felt it was of vital importance that we meet at least once to plan our cleaning strategy.

  Next she encouraged everyone to come up with really creative Halloween costumes.

  EXCEPT, of course, the clean-up crew. MacKenzie showed everyone sketches of the “supercute” uniform she had personally designed for us to wear the entire night.

  OUR CLEAN-UP CREW

  OUTFITS DESIGNED BY

  MACKENZIE

  It looked like a twist between a spacesuit and flannel underwear and came with four-inch platform boots.

  She said we could easily store fifty pounds of trash in each of the two large pockets in the front.

  And if we had to go to the bathroom, we could simply unbutton the large flap in the back.

  I took one look into MacKenzie’s beady little eyes and knew right away she was making us wear that ridiculous “uniform” to publicly humiliate us in front of the entire school.

  But she just smiled and batted her eyelashes all innocent like.

  After that meeting was finally over, I told Chloe and Zoey there was NO WAY IN HECK I was going to allow that girl to embarrass us like that.

  But they were so excited about the possibility of going to the dance that they didn’t even care.

  They told me I should try a little harder to be more of a team player and give MacKenzie’s uniform a chance.

  Because even though it was absolutely hideous on paper, once we actually tried on the outfit it might look supercute.

  I was so mad I could SPIT!

  MacKenzie’s meeting was a TOTAL and MASSIVE waste of my time.

  I personally felt my lunch hour would have been better spent trying to KEEP DOWN the Tuna Fish/Meat Loaf Casserole Leftover Surprise!

  THURSDAY, OCTOBER 17

  Brianna had a ballet recital this evening. I wanted to stay home and do my homework, but Mom said I had to go.

  Every year it’s exactly the same thing: cutesy little girls dressed up in cutesy little costumes, doing cutesy little dance routines to cutesy little songs.

  Brianna didn’t want to go to the recital either.

  Mainly because she HATED ballet!!

  Whenever Mom dragged her off to lessons, she would whine, “Moooommm! I wanna be a karate-chop girl! Not one of those pointy-toe-hoppers with the pink scratchy skirts!”

  But since Mom had dreamed of taking ballet lessons when she was a little girl, she felt the next best thing was to give birth to a daughter and force HER to do it instead!

  When I was younger, Mom tried to enroll me in a ballet class too.

  Only, after she dropped me off, I went straight to the girls’ bathroom and ditched my leotard and ballet flats and changed into more appropriate dance attire. The COOL kind they wear on MTV.

  Even though I was superexcited about dancing, my ballet teacher sent me home with a note:

  I thought this was great news, but mom was pretty much heartbroken I wasn’t going to be a ballerina.
br />   Unfortunately, Madame FuFu didn’t like Brianna all that much either.

  She was always sending her home early for disrupting the dance class.

  And just last week Brianna got in trouble for defacing ballet school property.

  Instead of simply apologizing to Madame FuFu, Brianna lied about the whole thing.

  She was like, “But, Mommy! My friend Miss Penelope wrote on that stupid ballet poster! Not ME!”

  That was her story, and she was sticking to it.

  But everyone knows Miss Penelope is actually Brianna’s OWN hand with a face doodled on it.

  Everyone except Brianna.

  It’s quite obvious to me my kid sister has some serious mental issues. I’m just sayin’ . . . !!

  Overall, the recital went okay. Except for the last dance number, called “Fairies and Flower Friends Have Fabulous Fun.”

  Brianna just stood there on the stage shivering, with this terrified look on her face. I felt kind of sorry for her.

  Although, I have to admit, it was partly my fault.

  Brianna has this thing about the tooth fairy. She’s been scared to death of her ever since I told her the tooth fairy took teeth from little children and Super Glued them together to make dentures for old people.

  THE TOOTH FAIRY GLUING TEETH TO MAKE DENTURES

  I totally meant it as just an innocent little joke.

  But now she’s too afraid to go to the bathroom by herself at night.

  Anyway, after the recital was over, we were getting ready to leave when Mrs. Clarissa Hargrove, one of the ballet moms, came over and gave Brianna an invitation to a Halloween party for the ballet class.

  She said it was going to be held at the Westchester Zoo in the Children’s Petting Zoo building.

  I was a little surprised when Mrs. Hargrove congratulated me on my art award.

  She said she was desperately looking for an artist to paint faces for the ballet party and was wondering if I would be interested.