Unforgotten

“What did you tell him?” Kaelen asks, and I see his expression shift from his usual blank, detached look to one of curiosity and intrigue.

  I turn back. “Who? Cody?”

  “No,” Kaelen corrects. “Zen. I heard words. I understood each one. But together they are nonsensical.”

  The poem. He’s talking about the Shakespeare sonnet.

  “You heard me?” I think of the creak I heard outside the door and my voice turns accusing. “Were you listening?”

  He raises a single eyebrow and I feel stupid. Of course he heard me. I was only one room away and his hearing is as good as mine. If not better.

  “It was a poem,” I admit begrudgingly. I hate that I have to share my last private moment with Zen with Kaelen. That he intruded in it without invitation.

  “What’s a poem?” he asks.

  “It’s…” I struggle to describe it, wondering what words Zen once used to explain it to me. Because just like Kaelen, in the beginning, I didn’t know what a poem was either. And at one point, it was probably nonsensical to me, too. “It’s like a story,” I try, “but more beautiful. And cryptic. Almost like it’s written in code. You have to really feel the words to understand the meaning.”

  “What is the meaning?” he asks.

  I bite my lip and look to the floor. “That specific poem is about love. The kind that never goes away.”

  “Is that what you feel for Zen?” The bluntness of his question catches me by surprise. But I suppose it’s simply a testament to his nature. His programming. The way he was made. If there’s one thing Alixter hated about me it was the fact that I fell in love. And that means it’s pretty safe to say that Kaelen was created without that ability. Alixter would have made sure not to make the same mistake twice.

  So I guess I can’t really expect him to understand anything I say about Zen. But I answer regardless. “Yes.”

  “What does it feel like?”

  I stop and think. I’ve never actually had to describe it before. I’m not even sure I can. And even if I could, I know for a fact it wouldn’t have any impact on Kaelen. He’s clearly so intricately conditioned, whatever I say is going to sound like gibberish to him.

  But I decide to make an attempt anyway. For Zen.

  “It feels like…” I begin hesitantly, “… falling from the sky.”

  As I suspected, confusion registers on Kaelen’s face.

  “Thrilling and terrifying at the same time,” I add.

  Kaelen ponders for a while. “Falling from the sky equals death.”

  I bite my lip to keep from laughing. “Only if there’s a ground underneath you,” I counter.

  “There is.”

  I shrug. “But what if there wasn’t? What if you simply fell forever? Never knowing if there was a ground beneath you or not.”

  “It’s not possible,” Kaelen rationalizes. “Unless you were falling in a vacuum.”

  I smile. “So maybe that’s what love is. Falling in a vacuum.”

  I sneak a peek at Kaelen out of the corner of my eye. His face is very serious and intense. “That does not sound enjoyable,” he finally concludes.

  I nod, imagining that I probably felt that way once, too.

  “Why did you choose to do it?”

  His question startles me. “Fall in love?”

  “Yes.”

  “I didn’t.”

  Three lines appear between his eyebrows. “I don’t understand.”

  “It’s not something you choose. It’s something that simply happens to you.”

  “Against your will?” Kaelen clarifies, and I definitely don’t miss the fact that he’s chosen to use the exact same words I used with him. When we first met and I asked if it bothered him that he was created without his permission.

  “I suppose so.” I bite my lower lip, which has begun to tremble.

  “I would refuse it,” Kaelen puts in confidently.

  I shake my head. “I don’t think you can. Because once it’s happened, once you even realize it’s happened, it’s too late. It’s already changed you. And I don’t think you can go back.”

  Kaelen turns to face me. I can feel his eyes on me. Burning my cheeks. I keep my gaze forward. “In our world,” he states defiantly, “you can always go back. You can unlove.”

  A shiver runs through me as my mind dissects the variety of meanings that are so cleverly hidden in that sentence. I’m anxious to get off this topic and move on to the important one.

  Finding Maxxer. Getting Zen’s cure.

  I clear my throat. “So have you thought about how you want to do this?”

  He stands rigidly next to the kitchen counter. “Dr. Maxxer is most likely in a submarine or other submerged vessel. We will transesse to the GPS coordinates together. And there we will wait until we receive further instruction or indication of subsequent steps.”

  “In the middle of the ocean?” I ask. “That’s probably freezing?”

  Kaelen doesn’t appear to be bothered by this detail. “Should it become clear that we are not in the right place, we will transesse back here and reevaluate our options.”

  I wince and feel my body stiffen. The thought of transessing with him, letting him control my destination, makes my insides curl and twist. I’ve avoided it this long and I still have a nagging suspicion that this has all been one giant trick. A ploy to get me back to Diotech. That as soon as my locket is open and he touches me, I’ll be inside my prison cell with a scientist hovering above, ready to dissect my brain and make me “agreeable.”

  Make me more like Kaelen.

  But I quickly reassure myself that if Kaelen wanted to bring me back there, he would have done it already. He had countless opportunities while I was unconscious. While my wounds were healing. In fact, he didn’t have to take me to 2032 at all. He could have brought me to the compound straight from the fire.

  Even still, as Kaelen stalks menacingly toward me, fishing the locket out from under his shirt, my breathing quickens. My heart races. I feel an itchy anxiety trickle down my back.

  “Wait,” I say, holding out my hand. He stops. “I’m not sure we’ve thought this through properly.”

  Kaelen’s head clicks ever so slightly to the side, indicating that he’s willing to hear me out.

  “Maxxer left these clues for me. She’s expecting me to show up. Probably alone. What if we get there and she refuses to give us any further instruction because she sees I’m with you? I don’t think she’s going to like the fact that I showed up with a Diotech agent.”

  “You’re not going alone,” Kaelen states blankly.

  I had a feeling that was going to be his response.

  “Well, what if that’s the only option?”

  “It’s not.”

  “You don’t know that for sure,” I point out.

  “I was given specific instructions to follow you until Dr. Maxxer’s location was disclosed and the antidote was obtained,” Kaelen argues, sounding slightly exasperated.

  This is the first time he’s admitted any details of his mission. We both seem to realize it at the same time. Kaelen’s eye twitches faintly.

  “Fine,” I say.

  He eyes the space between us. I estimate it’s about seven steps. I can tell he’s calculating the same thing. But approaching me means getting close to me. Letting that peculiar magnetism draw us together. Touching me means electricity. Heat waves. Strange things that neither one of us seem to be able to explain or understand.

  Intentionally getting this close, making skin-to-skin contact goes against all the unspoken rules we’ve established over the past two days.

  But it’s the only way.

  And we both know it.

  He takes one step. Then another. I notice how his paces seem to slow, get smaller, as he nears me. But he keeps coming. The hum of energy begins. The dizzying spirals of air. I feel it heaving me toward it. Like a vortex. Like an unavoidable fall.

  Like gravity.

  He reaches up and opens the necklace.
I know he won’t let me wear it. That’s too risky. Which means he has to hold it up to my skin to activate the gene.

  He pulls on the chain, drawing the heart-shaped amulet out from under the collar of his shirt. I can’t help but notice how wrong it is to see it around his neck. My gift from Zen. The symbol of everything we have. Held hostage by this tall, handsome Diotech agent.

  And yet, it’s appropriate as well.

  Diotech has always come between Zen and me.

  Kaelen takes another step. The pull becomes more intense. I attempt to anchor my feet to the ground to keep from being yanked toward him. To keep from launching myself into him, my arms around him, my lips against his. And never letting go.

  He towers over me. I look up to meet his gaze. I know it won’t help anything. I know it will only make this worse. But there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

  I see the strain on his face. The struggle. We are both fighting.

  He extends the locket out, toward my chest. The chain doesn’t reach. I can see the annoyance on his face as he’s forced to come even closer to me. His feet step between mine. I feel his pant legs brushing against my own. His heavy breath hits my skin like an intoxicating wind. My brain turns to pulp. My limbs turn to liquid. I’m dizzy. So dizzy.

  I swallow and attempt to breathe through my mouth.

  Finally the chain reaches, the cold, hard surface of the back of the locket chills my body as he presses it against my chest, below my collarbone.

  I can almost feel the engraving digging into my skin.

  S + Z = 1609

  How obsolete it’s become, knowing we can never go back there. Not even if I succeed today. That promise is long lost. That dream is over.

  Kaelen’s hand rises up. I’m instantly drawn to it. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to press my cheek into his palm.

  He looks at his hand, seemingly trying to decide where to place it. Where to make contact. What body part will yield the smallest effect?

  I don’t think it matters.

  Wherever he touches me, I will feel it everywhere. In my feet. In my toes. In my legs. In my chest. In my heart.

  Completely, utterly, undeniably against my will.

  Against both of our wills.

  I lift my hand up, too, silently offering it as a neutral meeting point. He understands. His hand drifts toward mine, our palms about to meet, our fingers about to collide. I close my eyes, anticipating his touch. Anticipating the delicious sting. All the while still fearing what will happen when it comes and where I’ll be when I open my eyes again.

  I can feel the heat of his skin just before it makes contact. And then suddenly I am surrounded by white. A warm light. I am floating. My feet are off the ground. And I don’t know if it’s because we’ve left or because we’re still here.

  Every emptiness I’ve ever felt is suddenly full.

  Every silence I’ve ever heard is suddenly singing.

  Every sadness that’s ever come over me is lost beyond discovery.

  Our bodies converge. Melt. Combine. As though we are two people, made out of the same foreign substance. Separated for centuries. Waiting to come back together.

  Waiting for right now.

  And then I feel the piercing, cold rush of the icy water slamming against me from all sides, knocking me back and forth. Splashing into my nose and mouth. I instinctively kick and flail with my arms to stay afloat. Hold my breath.

  After a few seconds, I break through the surface. And when I open my eyes, I see that I am exactly where I started.

  Floating in the middle of an endless, dark ocean.

  PART 3

  THE CHOICE

  50

  BEHOLDER

  Unlike the last time I found myself in the middle of an ocean, I don’t have any broken airplane parts to keep me afloat. Kaelen and I are forced to flap our hands and feet to keep our heads above the surface. Not to mention keep ourselves warm. Despite our being built to withstand extreme temperatures, this water is something else. Like daggers of ice stabbing every inch of my body.

  It takes us both a few seconds to get the hang of paddling in place and learn how to exert the least amount of energy, but after that it becomes easy. Like running. I could do it for hours and never tire. Despite the choppy current of the water and the occasional larger wave that slaps us both in the face.

  Once we’ve managed to stabilize, Kaelen reaches down and snaps the locket shut. “I’m going to swim down a ways. Perhaps I can see something.”

  “I’ll go with you,” I reply immediately, knowing that from here on I cannot let him out of my sight for an instant.

  We both suck in a large breath and dive under. As soon as I open my eyes, I’m surprised by how well I can see. I knew my enhanced vision allowed me to see across long distances, and through the dark, but I expected everything underwater to be blurry and distorted. It’s not.

  The world below is crisp and clear and sparkling. Kaelen seems to be pausing to reflect on this discovery as well.

  I watch him carefully, waiting for a cue. He makes his way down deeper. I still can’t see the bottom. Even with my enhanced vision. Which means we must not even be close to it. I don’t know much about submarines, apart from the limited knowledge I received via Reese’s video game, but I have a feeling it’s not all that accurate. I sincerely doubt most submarines blow soap bubbles or have magical instruments that make you travel faster. But I do know that if there’s any kind of underwater vessel passing below us, I certainly can’t see it. And judging by the expression on Kaelen’s face, neither can he.

  He dives a little deeper and I follow. This is my first time swimming. That I can remember, at least, but I already know that I like it. And I’m good at it. The feeling of maneuvering through the water is soothing.

  It’s also very quiet under here. Peaceful.

  I’m not sure I’ve ever heard such silence before. With my superior hearing, there’s always noise somewhere. Even if it’s far off in the distance. A fox howling five miles away, people arguing in the apartment across the street, a bus approaching a curb three blocks away.

  But down here the world seems to have finally gone to sleep. Apart from the gentle shhh sound of the water against my ears, and the occasional ripple-splash of Kaelen’s stroke, my ears pick up nothing.

  It’s wonderful.

  For a second, I’m almost able to forget how cold it is and everything that’s happening above the surface. I’m almost able to feel okay again.

  Kaelen and I make a small circle below the spot where we landed. There is still no sign of anything apart from a few schools of fish that pass.

  I’m not sure how long an average person can hold their breath, but I estimate we’ve been down here at least three minutes and I don’t feel the need to surface anytime soon. However, I do notice that the deeper we go, the more pressure I feel between my temples. And in my chest.

  Kaelen must feel it, too, because after attempting to paddle even farther into the depths, he suddenly stops and starts to float back upward.

  We break the surface a few moments later and I wipe the water from my face and eyes. We’re both shivering.

  “Did you see anything?” Kaelen inquires, his teeth chattering slightly.

  I shake my head. “You?”

  “Nothing.”

  We tread water in silence but I keep my gaze tightly on Kaelen. His wet hair is slicked back against his head, revealing more of his smooth, arched forehead than I’ve ever seen before. I can’t help noticing the way the moonlight reflects off the moisture in his hair. Like his loose waves are woven with tiny diamonds.

  He senses me looking at him and turns, the light momentarily catching one of his brilliant blue-green eyes.

  It would be ridiculous for me to deny how beautiful those eyes are. Breathtaking. Even more so against the deep blue sea and darkened sky behind him.

  Then I think about Zen’s soulful brown eyes. When I look into them I see everything. I see love.
I see light. I see home.

  And yet, somehow, sadly, they seem so mild in comparison to Kaelen’s.

  It’s like regardless of what nature can do, regardless of how hard it works, how hard it tries, how magnificent the results, science always manages to find a way to surmount it. To make things not just magnificent … but perfect. And I find myself thinking how unfair that is. How devious.

  Like science is somehow cheating at the game.

  And nature simply doesn’t stand a chance.

  How do you compete with eyes like that? With skin that flawless? With hair that glitters in the moonlight?

  The answer is obvious to me: you can’t.

  But still, it doesn’t stop me from wondering what Kaelen sees when he looks at the world. Does he even have the ability to perceive with subjectivity? To look at something and think it’s beautiful? Or has Alixter removed that, too?

  And somehow, that is the saddest idea of all.

  What does Kaelen see when he looks at the sunrise? Is it just a sequence of atmospheric pigments and light patterns? Or can he recognize that it’s masterful? What about when he looks at the stars? The ocean? The snow falling from the sky? Does he only see frozen water? Or does he notice the exquisiteness of each unique snowflake?

  What about when he looks at me? Does he see another genetically enhanced, scientifically created, Diotech-manufactured superhuman? One whose programming has gone awry? Or …

  Does he think I’m beautiful?

  The thought makes my stomach turn and for a moment I stop paddling and begin to sink. Kaelen is quick to grab me and pull me back up, and once again the touch of his skin is like nothing I’ve ever felt before. It’s like the world comes alive. I come alive.

  The sharp cold of the water is gone. I am suddenly swimming in liquid fire.

  And then, just as he lets go, taking all of that energy and warmth with him, his thumb brushes curiously against my forehead. Reading my thoughts. Stealing my memories.

  But suddenly it doesn’t feel like stealing anymore.

  I want to give them to him.

  I want him to see things the way I see them. Know what I know. Feel what I feel.

  “I do,” he says quietly, answering my unspoken question as his fingertips slip from my skin.