Mr. Darcy's Refuge

  Her first concern on arriving in the neighborhood was that her name might be recognized among the local people who had heard about the engagement of the Master of Pemberley, but that proved not to be the case. For her other worries, she applied to the chambermaid when she retired that night, asking her if Pemberley were not a very fine place and whether the family there often ventured to Lambton. On receiving the disappointing news that the Darcys were seldom seen in Lambton, she hoped to put all her thoughts to rest by asking whether the family were down for the summer. The chambermaid replied in the negative, but instead of providing Elizabeth relief from her ruminations, this intelligence caused a new depression to strike her spirits.

  The following morning, she prepared herself to meet her aunt and uncle’s plans for the day with a semblance of enthusiasm, but was completely undone when her aunt expressed an inclination to see Pemberley itself. “My love, should not you like to see the place where you are to live? It seems a shame to pass it by when we are here in the vicinity,” said Mrs. Gardiner.

  Elizabeth could not hide her distress. She felt that she had no business at Pemberley without Mr. Darcy, and that her visit could be seen as seen in the light of an unpleasantly avaricious curiosity. She could not think that her name would be unknown there, where every person’s life was so entwined with Mr. Darcy’s. What would he think if he discovered she had been there?

  Her aunt made some attempt to argue with her, but on seeing that Elizabeth’s mind was made up, she conferred briefly with her husband, who proposed a plan for driving into the Peak. Elizabeth quickly acquiesced to this idea.

  They set out shortly thereafter, and Elizabeth settled herself back in the carriage seat to enjoy the rugged scenery that surrounded them. She was surprised when the carriage halted by a lodge, and her uncle stepped down to speak to the keeper. When he returned, he instructed the driver to turn into the woods through a set of large, ornate gates just past the lodge, causing Elizabeth to look at him with curiosity tinged with suspicion.

  “This appears to be a private road,” she said.

  “We have to make a brief stop at Pemberley,” her aunt said apologetically. “I am sorry, my dear, but we had already made arrangements, and it would be terribly rude if we did not appear at all. We do not need to linger, just to stop long enough to explain that we will not be able to take the tour. You may remain in the carriage if you wish.”

  Heat rushed into Elizabeth’s cheeks. Two months ago she would have argued, or at least disagreed, but she had since lost faith that her opinion would make a difference. Besides, she was only a guest on this journey and had no right to complain if she disliked the itinerary. She folded her hands in her lap, doing her best to hide her distress, and said, “Very well. If you wish to take the tour, I will not stand in the way.”

  Relief blossomed in her aunt’s face. “Thank you for understanding, Lizzy. I had not anticipated that you would wish to avoid the place.”

  “Do they know who I am?”

  Mr. Gardiner said, “I merely said I was bringing a small party with me.”

  “I would prefer it if you did not tell anyone there of my connection with Mr. Darcy.”

  Her aunt smiled, looking much happier about the prospect than she would have anticipated. “We will not mention it to a soul.”

  Elizabeth took several deep breaths, hoping to slow her racing heartbeat. If she had no choice in the matter, she might as well make the best of the situation, and she could not deny a certain curiosity as to her future home. As she gazed out as the carriage reached the crest of a hill, her eye was instantly caught by the large, handsome stone building, standing well on rising ground, with a stream that broadened into a small lake before it. She caught her breath in delight. Despite all the praise she had heard of Pemberley, she had not expected such beauty. She had been determined to be pleased by it for Mr. Darcy’s sake, but such natural elegance reflected even more praise to him. To think that she would live in such handsome surroundings someday! Her aunt and uncle were instantly forgiven for bringing her there against her will, but she felt at that moment a new grievance toward her father. But for him, she could be arriving here today as Mrs. Darcy.

  The carriage drew up a short distance from the house. As she stepped out, Elizabeth’s gaze was drawn by the lofty Palladian portico in the front. As her eyes adjusted to the size of the house, she realized there was a dark, elegantly clad figure standing at the foot of the steps. Her heart suddenly began to race. She blinked twice, telling herself she must be imagining things, but his broad shoulders and his stance were achingly familiar, as was his brisk gait as he began to move in her direction. With an inarticulate cry, she ran to him.

  Propriety was completely forgotten in her sudden joy and relief as she flew into his embrace. His arms tightened around her until her feet almost left the ground, but Elizabeth did not care. Half laughing, half crying, she pressed her face against his chest until she could feel the weave of the superfine cloth of his coat on her cheek, and she only wished she could hold him closer still. She could hear him murmuring her name, but she herself was beyond speech, almost beyond thought as she found solace in the refuge of his arms, and with it the release of all the pain of the last weeks. She could hear his heartbeat matching her own, and she wished the moment would never end.

  Reality was slow to return, and when it did, Elizabeth chose to ignore it as long as possible, preferring to keep her present happy position rather than obey the laws of propriety which suddenly seemed extraordinarily foolish. After all, if the proper Mr. Darcy did not object, why should she? The thought made her laugh, and she tipped back her head to look at him.

  His expression was one she had never seen before, a mixture of heartfelt delight, tenderness and something else she could not name. He leaned his forehead against hers, an intimacy that robbed her of what little breath remained.

  A thought suddenly crossed her mind. “You do not seem surprised to see me.”

  He shook his head slightly and laughed low in his throat. “True. I am delighted, overjoyed, and pleased beyond measure to see you – but not surprised.”

  “But how….” she began, but then realized she did not care how he had known.

  “Your uncle was kind enough to tell me you would be here today.”

  “My uncle?” Suddenly many things made sense – the Gardiners’ disregard of her wishes to avoid Pemberley, the odd looks she had seen them share, and even the change in destination from the Lakes.

  “Yes.” Darcy sounded amused. “The same uncle who is taking great care to look in every direction but this one.”

  “Oh. Of course.” Now acutely aware of the inappropriateness of her behavior, she reluctantly disentangled herself from Darcy, even though it felt like she was losing something very precious. “I’m sorry; I was not thinking of appearances.”

  “Do not apologize for this. Ever.” His voice was low and intense as he pulled her back into his arms. “You cannot know what it means to me that you are so happy to see me.”

  From behind her, Mr. Gardiner’s voice said pointedly, “The proportions of the arches are quite fine. As for the balustrades, are they not reminiscent of the ones in the drawing of Woburn Abbey that hangs over my desk? Oh, Lizzy, there you are. I had quite forgotten that we had brought you with us today.”

  Darcy released her, looking slightly shamefaced. “My apologies, Mr. Gardiner, for allowing my feelings to overrule my better judgment.”

  Mr. Gardiner made a shushing sound. “Not to worry, lad. No one thinks the less of you for it.”

  Elizabeth turned to embrace her uncle, pressing a kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, thank you. I cannot thank you enough.”

  “Your happiness is all the thanks we have ever wanted. And we will keep our promise not to tell a soul here of your connection to Mr. Darcy – but I think that they will all have guessed by now.” He winked at her.

  She laughed. “But why did you not tell me?”

  His face grew sobe
r. “Although we disagree with your father, we did not wish to encourage you to disobey him. As long as you did not know why we were bringing you here, you were not disobeying. I believe we can turn that responsibility over to Darcy now.”

  She looked back and forth between her uncle and Darcy, who was brushing off his hat which had fallen to the ground during their embrace. “What do you mean?” she asked.

  “Only that Darcy understands that you are to have no reason to contact him.”

  Darcy took her hand in his. “I intend to already be with you whenever you might wish to contact me.”

  “If you are expecting me to complain about that, you will be waiting a long time!” It felt so right to have his hand around hers, even though it raised little flutters in her stomach.

  “Good.” Darcy leaned toward her and spoke softly in her ear. “I have not had the opportunity to court you as you deserve to be courted. This is likely to be my only chance to do so before we marry, so I intend to make the most of it.”

  “But how did this come to pass?”

  Mr. Gardiner chuckled. “Darcy has become a regular visitor to Gracechurch Street, where we have shared whatever news we had of you. Your aunt and I have grown quite fond of him, so when we made our plans to visit Lambton, we decided to mention it to him. You can imagine the rest.”

  Darcy said, “Mr. and Mrs. Gardiner have been extraordinarily kind to me. I credit them with preserving my sanity on more than one occasion. And now, I hope you will all honor me by coming inside for a tour of the house.”

  “Thank you,” said Mr. Gardiner. “I confess that I have been looking forward to seeing Pemberley after hearing my wife praise it so frequently.”

  Elizabeth hesitated. “Does your staff know who I am?”

  Darcy smiled down at her. “Yes, but my housekeeper has instructed them to treat you as they would any other guest.”

  “Thank you; I do not think I could do my future role justice at the moment.”

  His warm breath moved against her ear as he spoke. “I am glad you do not mind, but I did it for purely selfish reasons. My time with you is too precious to share with them.”

  Elizabeth was in a daze as Darcy took them on a tour of the house, taking in only the elegance of the furnishings and the sweeping vistas from the windows. Although she usually had an excellent sense of direction, she could not have retraced their steps had she tried. She kept turning to look at Darcy, sometimes even touching his arm, finding it hard to believe that he was truly there. She had never seen him like this – warm, affectionate, at ease. His pride in Pemberley shone from him, but there was no haughtiness in his manner toward the Gardiners. They might look like people of fashion, but if he had been to Gracechurch Street, he must know the truth of their status. She had thought he would want little to do with her relatives in trade, but instead he seemed truly pleased to see them, and even said that he hoped they would stay at Pemberley on any future trips to Derbyshire.

  He concluded the tour by showing them a private suite of rooms, richly decorated in a Rococo style different from the subtler elegance of the rest of the house. Elaborate gold stucco work wound up the walls of the sitting room, while ornate porcelain sculptures of pastoral gentlemen in white wigs and ladies in full skirts were clustered on the mantelpiece. A dressing room lay between the sitting room and a large bedroom in matching style.

  Darcy took Elizabeth’s hand. “These were my mother’s rooms, and they will be yours. They have been closed up for years, but I thought you would like to see them, so I had the staff ready them. They are in sore need of updating, but any changes must be to suit your tastes. I hope you will feel free to tell me what you would like. I want you to be happy here.”

  She laughed at his worried look. Did he truly think that she might be disappointed in Pemberley simply because the décor in these rooms was old-fashioned and out of style? At Longbourn, most of the furnishings were far older than this. “I cannot imagine being unhappy at Pemberley. These rooms are indeed very grand. I feel as if I am visiting a royal palace!”

  The lines on his face relaxed, allowing a small smile to appear. “We can talk further of this later. Come, there are some refreshments in the saloon, and then perhaps you would like to see the grounds.”

  They discussed their plans over an extensive offering of cold meat, cake, and a variety of all the finest fruits in season. Darcy told them that he was completely at their disposal for the next two days. “The rest of my party, in a visit that was planned before I knew you would be here, will be joining me after that. My sister will be among them, along with a few who can claim acquaintance with Elizabeth – Mr. Bingley and his sisters. Georgiana is particularly anxious to meet you; she has been longing to make your acquaintance since I first told her of meeting you in Hertfordshire.”

  Although disappointed by the idea of sharing him with a larger group, Elizabeth said, “I will be glad of the opportunity to meet her.” She hoped Mr. Bingley’s presence would not prove disruptive. Even if Jane claimed not to mind, Elizabeth had not yet fully reconciled herself to Darcy’s actions in separating Bingley from Jane.

  ***

  After tea, Darcy led them on a circuit of the grounds. He had walked this way a thousand times, but this time it was as if he was seeing it through new eyes - the picturesque walk by the side of the water, every step bringing forward a nobler fall of ground or a finer reach of the woods. Elizabeth’s delight in the artful design of the park pleased him not only because of his love of his home, but as a sign that she would not be displeased to live there. Pemberley was lovely, and to him no other county could match the beauty of Derbyshire, but he had wondered more than once what Elizabeth would think of the stark, hilly landscape, and whether she would be homesick for the gentler Hertfordshire countryside.

  By far the best surprise of the day had been how obviously glad she was to see him. Mr. Gardiner had been right about that as well. Early in their acquaintance, Darcy had expressed his concern that Elizabeth might be convinced to call off their engagement owing to her father’s opposition, especially since he had just barely won her consent in the first place. Strong though his own attachment was, he was well aware that hers was much less and of far shorter duration. Mr. Gardiner had disagreed, though, saying that in this particular circumstance, Mr. Bennet’s opposition would likely work in Darcy’s favor. “If he had tried to persuade her to end the engagement, she might have considered it, but by forbidding it, he is pushing her into your arms. I think you will find her attachment to you to be stronger rather than weaker.”

  Darcy could see how this might well be true, but he had thought it would be more a determination on Elizabeth’s part to follow through with their engagement rather than true attachment. That was all that was necessary for now; no matter how much he longed for her love, he had accepted that winning her affection might have to wait until after they were married. After all, how could she develop tender feelings for him when she could not even communicate with him? He had not dared to believe it possible until he saw Elizabeth running to him, her eyes alight. What a moment that had been! He would never forget it, no matter how long he lived.

  The Gardiners again showed their tact by following them at a distance, allowing the opportunity for private discussion which earlier had been lacking. Elizabeth found herself in the unusual position of feeling tongue-tied. She had imagined conversations with Darcy so often in the last few months that she hardly knew what to say to the real man, but merely having her hand rest on his arm was an undeniable pleasure. Still, she felt unaccountably shy in his presence.

  “Your uncle tells me that your father remains fiercely opposed to our engagement.”

  “Yes, though I sometimes think it is as much out of stubbornness as anything. He hates to admit he was wrong about anything.”

  “Has it been very difficult for you?”

  His concern was nearly her undoing, as the sense of betrayal and pain she had felt these last months threatened to overwhelm her
. Feelings such as these were not something she confided in anyone, not even Jane or Charlotte, and the idea of doing so with Darcy, no matter how tempting, was frightening. “I try to focus on the things that bring me pleasure, not the ones I cannot change.”

  “I regret that my presence in your life has caused a rift between you and your father. I know you value him,” Darcy said gravely.

  “The rift was caused by my father, not by you. I have never been blind to the impropriety of his behavior as a father, but for many years, I was so grateful for his affectionate treatment of me that I endeavored to forget what I could not overlook. Now my eyes have been opened. I had hoped at first that his attitude would change with time, but now I think he has taken the matter to such an extreme that he can no longer admit to making an error.”

  “I wish I could do something to help. I have written to him several times, but he has not responded. He may not have even read my letters, but I felt obligated to try.”