Deep Surrendering: Episode 1

  “Can I see you tomorrow?”

  “I have class. And I have to work.” I worked a few hours a week selling candles and other scented items at parties. It was fun and I made enough money at it (supplemented by my student loans) to get by. I wished I could work more at a regular job, but even finding something part time that I could work around school was nearly impossible. I’d thought about bartending, but wasn’t sure if I wanted to deal with that on top of everything else.

  “So? There are plenty of hours in the day where I’m sure you’re free. I can meet you.”

  “Don’t you have a job?” I was beginning to wonder if Fin’s job was just imaginary or if it was just easy, because he seemed to be able to leave whenever he wanted to come stalk me.

  “So?”

  I sighed in frustration. “I think I can squeeze you in tomorrow. I’ll text you for sure. Goodnight.”

  “Goodnight, Marisol. Until tomorrow.” I hung up and stared at my phone. What had just happened?

  I shook my head at myself and went to get my now-defrosted cheesecake. I told myself I was only going to eat half, but I ended up eating the whole thing, cursing Fin the entire time.

  I needed more willpower. I shouldn’t have picked up the phone to call him. His voice did things to my insides and broke down any resistance I might have had.

  He was being pushy, and I would have told anyone else in my position to tell him to back the hell off. But I was me and I didn’t want to tell him to back off. I wanted to see him just as much as he wanted to see me. It wasn’t a crime to want to hang out with someone.

  Things that would make your skin crawl.

  The words ran through my head over and over as I snuggled into bed that night. I was a fitful sleeper, so one essential was a king-sized bed. It barely fit in my bedroom, but somehow the movers had wedged it in. It was more than enough bed for two people, but no one else had ever slept in it with me. Even when I’d had boyfriends, I’d always stayed at their place. I hadn’t wanted to “show them mine” when they’d asked to come to my apartment. Fin was actually the first one.

  Fin. I rolled over onto my stomach and buried my face in one of my pillows. I was all twisted up inside, and I didn’t know what to do about it.

  This wasn’t one of those things I could go to my friends about. I had to put on my big girl panties and figure this one out on my own.

  I slept poorly for the second night in a row and woke up at a level of grumpy that not even two cups of coffee could fix. I was late getting out of the shower, which made me late for class, which made my professor grumpy, since it was a small class and I’d interrupted his lecture with my entrance.

  Then I spilled my third cup of coffee in my purse and it was all downhill from there.

  I’d said I was going to text Fin, but I didn’t really want him to see me like this. My hair was a mess thanks to my short time getting ready, my purse smelled like coffee, and there were splatters all over my skirt.

  I was a trainwreck.

  Today’s not good for me. Raincheck?

  I hoped he wouldn’t be pissed.

  Are you okay? Do you need anything?

  His response surprised me. What I really needed was a do-over, and unless he knew some form of time travel, then he was out of luck.

  No, but thank you. Until tomorrow?

  I crossed my fingers as I wanted for his response.

  Until tomorrow.

  The day just got worse, and by the time I was heading home (an hour later than I intended due to an unexpected trip to the library, and the fact that a woman at the candle party couldn’t decide between Ocean Breeze and Mango Mambo candles), I was so done with Tuesday.

  My phone rang and I checked to see who it was before I answered.

  “Hey, Chloe. I’ve had the most terrible, awful day. Please tell me you’re out of work so you can un-suck this day.” I heard subway noise in the background.

  “As a matter of fact, I’m on my way to your place. I, too, have had a shitty day and I need my BFF. See you in ten minutes?”

  “Absolutely.”

  I dashed home, tore off my coffee-stained clothes, and put on a pair of yoga pants and a baggy t-shirt. It was my loungewear. I pulled my hair off my neck and into a messy bun, and wiped off my makeup.

  Much better.

  There was a knock at the door and I bounced to answer it.

  “I hope you brought something—" I started to say, but it wasn’t Chloe on the other side of the door.

  It was Fin.

  “You’re not Chloe,” I said, stating the obvious.

  “I could if you wanted me to be,” he said, his hands in his pockets. He’d obviously just come from the office, complete with crisp purple white-collared shirt, slate gray tie, and black jacket. There was something so seductive about a man in a suit. It was almost better than a man being naked. I said almost.

  I sputtered and tried to think of something to say, but then I realized what I was wearing. The absolute last thing you would want the guy you’d just met and were interested in to see you dressed in. This was Frump Wear at its finest.

  “What are you doing here?” I crossed my arms over my chest to distract him from my bralessness.

  “I wanted to see you, and bring you this.” He pulled something out of his pocket with a flourish.

  It was a rubber duck. An actual rubber duck. Only this rubber duck had little purple flowers all over it that kind of looked like lilacs. As far as presents went, it was sweet and cute and reminiscent of our first date.

  It was perfect.

  He held the duck out on his palm with a boyish smile and my heart started fluttering. How was it that this guy, this guy who gave me a rubber duck, could be the same guy who said he’d done things that would make me sick? Maybe he had an evil twin.

  “It’s a stupid gift. I’m sorry,” he said, trying to cram the duck back in his pocket, but I snatched it before he could.

  “No, it’s not a stupid gift.” I was about to say something else, but I was interrupted by the arrival of Chloe.

  “Well, hello. Am I interrupting something? Do I need to interrupt something?” She held up a bottle of wine, and I congratulated myself on my choice of best friend.

  “No, you’re not interrupting anything. I was just…dropping by,” Fin said, taking a step backwards as if he was about to bolt.

  “Don’t leave on my account. If you two need to work something out, then I can make myself scarce. I’m not alone. I have my ten-dollar bottle of wine to keep me company. Carry on.” She winked at me and also started to back away.

  Were both of them going to leave me?

  “No, don’t go.” They both stopped and then looked at each other. Now it was up to me. Great. I could bail on my best friend or I could bail on the adorable guy who’d given me a rubber ducky.

  “Look, I see how this is going. Dicks before chicks. I knew this day would come with you, and I’m okay with it. Really. I can call Sloane. Have a good time.” Chloe backed away even more, and I didn’t know what to say.

  “No, no. I wouldn’t dream of usurping a BFF,” Fin said, shaking his head. I wondered if he really thought that or if he was trying to impress Chloe.

  She stared at him for a while. “Nicely done. I hope you’re being legit and you’re not just saying that because you’re trying to butter me up.” I almost snorted at the symbiosis of our thinking.

  Fin pretended to be scandalized. “I would never lie to the best friend of the woman I’m courting.” Courting. It sounded so old-fashioned and delightful at the same time. Any moment he was going to ask if we could go steady.

  Chloe scoffed, but held up the bottle of wine.

  “We could have a threesome.” I wished I could give her a kick in the leg, but she was too far away.

  “The more the merrier,” Fin said, and they both pushed past me and entered my apartment.

  Okay. So we were having a threesome.

  “So,” Chloe said, pouring Fin a glass of w
ine as he shucked off his jacket and leaned against the counter like he had nowhere else to be. “What are your intentions with my friend?” She pushed the glass toward him and he took it gingerly, as if it was about to explode.

  I sipped at my own glass, wondering why this was happening right at this moment after the crappy day I had. Was I being punished?

  “My intentions are entirely honorable,” he said, sounding like he was quoting Jane Austen. For all I knew, he was.

  “Bullshit,” Chloe said, jabbing her finger at him. “I may be a lesbian, but I know more about how men tick than you’d think.”

  “I wouldn’t doubt it for a second,” he said.

  I had to put a stop to this.

  “Okay, pissing contest over. I’m standing right here, and neither one of you owns me. I refuse to be fought over.” They both sort of blinked at me as if I’d just announced I was renouncing my worldly possessions and moving to a convent.

  “So no more of that. You’ll have to learn how to share. Sharing is caring.” I sipped my wine and went to sit on the couch. I grabbed a blanket and put it over myself, using it to hide my yoga pants and nippleage.

  It only took a few moments for the other two to come join me. I saw a little battle when it came to who got to sit next to me on the couch, and who got the chair. Fin gestured to the couch, stepping back to let Chloe sit with me.

  I just rolled my eyes. Honestly.

  Chloe didn’t stay long, but it was enough time to make the entire room thick with tension and weirdness.

  It had been so much easier at the bar, where there were more people and poor lighting, and I’d also had a few more drinks in me. Plus, my outfit had been much cuter.

  “Welp, I think I should be heading out,” Chloe said, stretching and taking her empty wineglass to the sink.

  “Don’t leave because of me,” Fin said.

  “Look, can we all agree that this is an awkward situation and just pretend it never happened? Please?” I asked, getting up to do…something.

  “Sure. I’ll call you tomorrow, babe,” Chloe said, holding her arms out for a hug. “Call me if you need anything,” she whispered in my ear.

  “Why would I need anything? Are you afraid to leave me alone with him?” She was acting strange, and I needed to get to the bottom of it.

  “Excuse us,” I said before I dragged her to my bedroom and shut the door. “What’s going on? Other than the weirdness that just happened in my living room.” I made her sit down on my bed. “Is there something wrong with him?”

  She shook her head immediately. “No, there’s nothing wrong with him other than the fact that he likes you and I’m jealous. There, I said it. I’m a terrible jealous person.”

  That was unexpected.

  “Chlo, I’ve had boyfriends before, if you’ll recall.” So it had been a while ago, but I’d definitely had boyfriends and gone on dates. She’d never acted this way before.

  “I know you’ve had boyfriends. But this one is…different. He’s different. There’s a fire between you two.”

  “Chemistry,” I said.

  “Right. Chemistry. I mean, I saw it at the bar, but it’s even more obvious now. Like, if I wasn’t here, you two would shoot towards each other like magnets and be stuck together forever.” That was quite a humorous visual and I almost laughed.

  “It scares me, okay?” She looked down at the floor and her voice got soft, which was rare. Usually Chloe’s emotions were bright and loud and you knew what she was feeling. But this was something more vulnerable.

  “You’re afraid to lose me?” I sat down next to her and put my head on her shoulder.

  “No,” she said in a tone that told me she really meant “yes.”

  “How would you lose me? Am I not allowed to have a man and a best friend in my life? Is there not enough of me to go around?” She sighed and laid back on my bed, and I followed her movement so we were both staring up at my ceiling.

  I hoped Fin was okay all alone in my living room.

  “You know what happens when girls get boyfriends. It’s inevitable. They end up spending less time with their friends and more time with the guy. I’m being completely and totally selfish, but I don’t care. I’m a wreck without you, Mari. Look at how everything went down with Harmony. I don’t know if I would have made it through without you. You’re my port in a storm.” She sniffled, and I handed her a tissue from the box on my nightstand and snuggled closer to her.

  She had been an absolute mess when Harmony turned out to be the bitch that I thought she was all along. I’d never told Chloe that I had a bad feeling about her from the first day, and I wasn’t going to say anything about it now.

  “You would have made it, I promise. You’re so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. And don’t forget, I will always love you. No guy is going to come between that, and if he tries, he’s an asshole and I’ll get rid of him. So don’t worry about losing me. I’m not going anywhere.” I rubbed her shoulder and she blew her nose and tossed the tissue in my wastebasket.

  “If you tell anyone I had this little breakdown, I’ll kill you.” Chloe often threatened me as a form of showing endearment. I was so used to it by now that if she didn’t threaten me, I would have been worried.

  “I wouldn’t dream of it.”

  “Good.” She sniffed again and I gave her a big hug before we both walked back into the living room to find Fin sipping wine and humming to himself.

  “Everything okay?” he asked.

  “Okay enough,” Chloe said. “See you later.” She gave both of us a little wave as she grabbed the wine bottle and moseyed out the door.

  “You sure everything is okay?” he asked as I went and sat down on the couch, patting the spot next to me.

  “Just a best friend thing.”

  Once Chloe was gone, I didn’t know what to say, or what to do. There were these moments when it hit me how successful and gorgeous he was, and I felt like a total low class frump that had nothing in common with him. It was ridiculous, but I couldn’t help feeling that way. So I did the only logical thing. I got up from the couch and started cleaning the kitchen. It didn’t need cleaning, but I pretended.

  I heard him get up and come and stand behind me.

  “What are you doing?” I jumped because his voice was closer than I’d thought. I backed up one step and came flush up against his front.

  “Cleaning,” I said, my voice coming out a little strangled.

  “Looks clean already to me.” Reaching around, he took the sponge from my hand and dropped it into the sink before running his hands back up my arms, pressing me into the counter.

  “I’m really liking what these pants do to your legs.” He breathed against my neck, and I could. Not. Move. Thoughts and words and all sorts of things were bursting in my brain and none of them made any sense. He pressed even harder against me and moved his hands down to my legs.

  “I know we agreed to go slow, but that was before I saw you dressed like this. Not that you don’t look beautiful all polished, but I love you all…messy and rumpled.”

  “So I look like crap?” My voice was a squeak as he used his hands to turn my body to face him. I almost caught my breath at the look in his eyes. There was no mistaking what they were filled with.

  Dark, hot lust.

  “No, you look completely vulnerable and delectable.”

  I definitely felt vulnerable. Not sure yet about the delectable part.

  He reached behind my head and undid my hair, letting it tumble over my shoulders. He ran his hands through it. “Do you want me to go? I could, if I really tried. We could hit pause. It’s up to you.” The ball was in my court. Great. I liked that it was up to me.

  “I…I want…” What the hell did I want? Him, that was for sure. Every cell of mine was drawn to him. That didn’t mean it was a good choice. I always thought about my decisions. Considered every angle, made pro and con lists. There wasn’t really time for that right now.

  “Sweet
Marisol, I can see you fighting a battle in your head. Why don’t you talk it out with me?”

  “Talk it out? With you?” How absurd.

  “It might help you make your decision.” He stepped away from me, but took my hand and led me back to the couch. I sat down on one end, and he sat on the other.

  “What are the reasons you want me to stay?” I swallowed a few times before I answered.

  “Because I’m attracted to you. Very much. You’re interesting, and I love the way you look at me, and I think we have something between us that’s worth exploring.” He nodded and I saw him try and hide a goofy grin.

  “Okay, and what are the reasons to not ask me to stay?” These were harder to say out loud.

  “Because I don’t know you. Because you’re basically a stranger. Because something could happen that I might regret. Because I have no idea if you’ve been tested for STDs. Because my mother would be ashamed of me. Because I’m not the girl who sleeps with the guy she’s just met. Because sometimes you scare me. Because of that thing you said when you left about doing things that would make my skin crawl. Because I’m scared you’ll hurt me. Because I’m scared I’ll fall for you.” The words rushed from my mouth, the water from a punctured hose, spraying everywhere. I hadn’t meant to tell him half of those things, but they came out anyway.

  He leaned forward and braced his forearms on his knees, and was silent for so long I wondered where he’d gone in his head.

  “Those are all valid reasons. And I know you’re scared of me. I’m scared of you, too. I’m scared of what I might do to you. I’m a dark person, Marisol. I don’t want to drag you down here with me.” It was so hard to believe, those words he said about being dark. How could a dark person bring me a sweet present and make me laugh? How could I be attracted to someone like that?

  “How would you hurt me?”

  He finally looked up. “Because there are things I want to do to you, and with you, that I don’t think you’d want me to. That you wouldn’t be ready for. As I said, I’ve done things that would make your skin crawl.” Now I was getting the picture of what he was talking about. What his “darkness” was. It made my heart pound and my stomach flip over.