The Hero''s Guide to Saving Your Kingdom

  “No offense, Gustav,” Frederic said, “but you’ve gotten us lost before. Do you know where you’re going?”

  Gustav smirked. “Yes, Captain Tassels, I know where we’re going. Mount Batwing.”

  “Might we ask why?” Liam queried.

  “I spotted our friend, the giant, there.”

  12

  PRINCE CHARMING HUGS TREES

  Whuddawedonow?”

  “Huh?” Gustav grunted, as he and Liam clipped along through the woods, all but dragging Frederic behind them. Duncan, free of the chains, was plodding by himself several yards back.

  “Whawadoo, whuwedow?” the out-of-breath Frederic tried again. He sounded like an asthmatic cat trapped inside an accordion.

  “Gustav, hold up for a minute,” Liam said as the trio lurched to a stop. “We’re far enough from Rauber’s castle. And I think our companions could use a break.”

  “I’m good,” Duncan said cheerily as he jogged to catch up to the others. “The mud is a little hard on my felt boots, but it makes a pleasant squishy noise when I step. It reminds me of the bog walks that Snow and I take sometimes. A bog might not sound like the kind of place you want to spend a lot of time in—and the smell would back up that assumption—but when it comes to examining mosses—”

  “Pipe down, Nature Boy,” Gustav interrupted. “The Wheezing Wonder here is trying to say something.”

  Frederic had collapsed facedown in a pile of fallen leaves. He lifted his head and spit out a pinecone. “What do we do now?” he sighed.

  “First order of business, we get rid of these chains,” Liam said.

  “What are we waiting for?” asked Gustav. He picked up a large stone and smashed it against the chain that hung between himself and Liam. But the big rock didn’t break the metal links; it pulled the chain to the ground, yanking Gustav and Liam into each other violently.

  Frederic shook his head. “Oh, come now. Even I know that’s not how you do it,” he said. “You’ve got to rest the chain on one rock while you hit it with another. It’s just like what Sir Bertram did with the fob of a pocket watch in The Secret of the Sinister Snuff Box. Duncan, help me look for more rocks.”

  On his hands and knees, Frederic turned and pushed aside the branches of a nearby shrub. He didn’t see any stones, but he did see six eyes staring at him from behind the bush.

  “Monster!” Frederic shrieked, and then—with more speed than he thought he possessed—he jumped to his feet and started running. Liam and Gustav were jerked into action alongside him. The three princes had no choice but to splash as one through the muddy forest.

  “Why are we running?” Gustav shouted, leaping over a fallen tree limb in his path. “Let me go back and fight it!”

  “Where is Duncan?” Liam yelled as he ducked one branch after another. “He’s not with us!”

  But fear is a powerful fuel, and Frederic’s tank was fully loaded. He didn’t even hear the others.

  As the trio ran between a pair of thin pines, Gustav and Liam each grabbed hold of a tree trunk and pulled themselves to a halt. The sudden stop whipped Frederic off his feet, landing him on his back with a splat.

  “Is the monster gone? Where’s Duncan?” he cried. He saw the others glaring at him and realized for the first time that he’d ditched one of his friends. “Oh, I am so ashamed.”

  He scrambled to his feet, and they all rushed back to look for Duncan. But when they reached the site of Frederic’s freak-out, there was no sign of the Sylvarian prince.

  “The monster got him,” Gustav said.

  “What kind of creature was it?” Liam asked.

  “I don’t know,” Frederic said. “I just saw eyes. Six of them.”

  Liam turned angrily on Frederic. “How could you leave Duncan behind? I realize you’re new to this, but you never turn your back on an ally in danger.”

  “I know that,” Frederic moaned. “Do you understand how terrible I feel about this?”

  “Yeah, back off, hero,” Gustav cautioned Liam. “It’s obvious the guy feels awful about it.”

  “Yes, please don’t be so hard on Frederic,” Duncan said as he popped out from behind some trees, followed by a trio of grimacing dwarfs. “These fellows can be pretty scary sometimes.”

  Frederic collapsed into the mud again.

  “Duncan, you’re all right!” Liam shouted.

  “Sorry if I gave you all a fright,” Duncan said. “When you guys ran off, I started to follow you, but then I glanced back and saw these guys coming out from behind the bushes, so I had to go say hello. Fellow princes, please allow me to introduce you to some friends of mine: Flik, Frak, and Frank.”

  “We’ve met,” said Frank, the largest of the three dwarfs. Of course, “large” is a relative term when you’re talking about dwarfs. He still only came up to Duncan’s waist. “And we’re not exactly friends of Prince Charming here. We’re friends of his wife.”

  Liam looked curiously at the three bearded dwarfs, each sporting a hefty backpack and jaunty ear-flapped cap. “You’re the dwarfs who were so rude to me back in Sylvaria,” he said.

  “Dwarves,” Frank corrected.

  “That’s right,” added Gustav. “Crumpet Boy and I met you three grumps there, too.”

  “I am so embarrassed,” Frederic mumbled to no one in particular, as he realized there had never been any monster in the bushes. “Six eyes; three dwarfs.”

  “Dwarves,” Frank corrected.

  “How did you come to be here in Sturmhagen?” Liam asked.

  “You three sounded like a bunch of weirdos with all your strange Prince Charming questions,” Frank said, glaring at the men. “We were suspicious, so we followed you. And then we saw Duncan the Daring get involved with you guys.”

  “Duncan the Daring?” Gustav laughed. “You’re being sarcastic, right?”

  “Yes,” Frank said humorlessly. “Anyway, we’re not particularly fond of Duncan, but we care a lot about Snow White, and she seems to like him for some reason. So when we saw you guys get carted away by those bandits, we decided to stay on your trail to make sure Prince Pipsqueak didn’t get himself killed or anything.”

  “You were watching when the bandits caught us?” Duncan asked, incredulous. “Why didn’t you help us?”

  “What do I look like? Your mother?” Frank snapped.

  “Let’s not worry about what anybody did or didn’t do back then,” Liam said. “Can you three help us now? We need to remove these chains.”

  “Dwarves are expert metalsmiths,” Frank said, showing his first hint of a smile. “Chains are not a problem for us.”

  Flik, Frak, and Frank formed a little circle, and each of them dug into the backpack of the dwarf in front of him. They plucked out mallets and chisels, darted over to the princes, and whacked away at the chains with jackhammer speed. In a matter of seconds, the heavy metal links fell into the mud with a wet thunk.

  “I’ve seen faster,” Gustav mumbled.

  “Show me how, Frank! Show me how!” Duncan tittered excitedly.

  “How many times do I have to tell you no, Duncan?” Frank said sternly.

  “Just because I’m not a dwarf?”

  “That’s exactly why.”

  Frederic, newly freed, threw his arms around Flik and Frak in an appreciative embrace. The two shocked dwarfs quickly pushed him off. “You’re filthy, man,” said Flik. “Show a little respect.”

  “So, have you overheard enough of our conversations to understand what we plan to do?” Liam asked Frank. “Are you aware that we’re on a quest to rescue Cinderella?”

  “Yeah, we get the gist of it.”

  “Will you join us?” Liam asked. He then leaned over and added in a whisper, “You’ve seen what I’m dealing with here. I need all the help I can get.”

  “No kidding. The boys and I have already talked about it,” Frank said. “And we’ve decided you guys are far too pitiful for us to just stand back and watch anymore. So, yeah, we’ll tag along. We’ve got to
keep an eye on the Death-Defying Duncan, anyway.”

  Duncan rushed over. “No, no, no,” he protested. “I forbid it. You fellows are not coming with us.”

  “You can’t be serious,” Frederic blurted. “They’re willing to help us and you’re telling them not to? Are you completely out of your—”

  Liam held up a hand to hush Frederic. “What I think Frederic is trying to ask,” he said, “is: Why would you send the dwarfs away?”

  “I have a more important mission for this brave and worthy trio,” Duncan said. He squatted down by the dwarfs and spoke to them directly. “There is something I need you to do, my friends.”

  Fig. 27 DUNCAN and FRANK

  “Stand up, Duncan,” Frank scolded. “You know we hate it when you squat to talk to us. It’s insulting.”

  Duncan stood up. “Sorry, sorry. Anyway, you three are the only ones who know how to get back to my estate in Sylvaria.”

  “Yeah,” said Frank. “Dwarves are expert navigators.”

  “Yes, and perhaps if you’d been willing to teach me any of those skills, I wouldn’t have gotten lost,” Duncan said.

  “You’re not a dwarf.”

  “Well, anyway, use your navigating talents to guide you back home,” Duncan said. “And make sure Snow knows that I’m okay. She’s probably been worried sick about me.”

  “Are you sure you want them to do that?” Liam asked. “I really think they’d be more helpful sticking with us.”

  “I don’t like it, either,” Frank said. “I don’t know if I can trust these ‘princes’ to look after you.” He made air quotes around the word “princes.”

  “Frank,” Duncan said, putting on his most stern and serious face—which still wasn’t very convincing—“I am the prince of your land. And this is not a request. It is a command. You will go back to Sylvaria and inform Snow White of my whereabouts. And give her this twig I found—it looks like a pony, see?”

  “Fine,” Frank grumbled, as he grabbed the stick. “There’s no way I can stay around here, anyway. I can’t bear watching you pretend to have leadership qualities. Come on, boys, we’re outta here.”

  “Wait,” said Liam. “If you really must go”—he looked hard at Duncan—“can I ask one more favor first?”

  “What is it?” Frank asked impatiently.

  “Do you have any weapons in those packs of yours? We can’t fight a witch and a giant barehanded and expect to win.”

  Frank rolled his eyes. “You guys are unbelievable. Yeah, you can take our swords. They should do you fine: Dwarves are expert weapon makers.”

  As Liam thanked them, the dwarfs fished four swords out of their backpacks and handed one to each of the princes.

  “They’re eensy-weensy!” Gustav exclaimed. The swords, sized for dwarfs, were each only a foot long.

  “Hey, buddy,” Flik snarled. “You got a problem with dwarves?”

  Fig. 28 Dwarven SWORD

  “I didn’t before today,” Gustav snarled back.

  “The swords are great,” Frederic said, slumping against a tree. “Enjoy your trip home. Even though I can’t believe you’re going home.”

  “Yes, thanks,” Liam added.

  “Don’t get killed too fast,” Frank said. Then he and the other dwarfs vanished into the woods.

  “Seriously, how are we supposed to fight with these things?” Gustav griped.

  “I have no complaints. This is a much better size for me than the last sword I tried to use,” Duncan said.

  “Look, these swords may be on the short side, but they’re sturdy and sharp,” Liam said. “I think we’ll find ourselves very grateful for these weapons. Dwarfs are famous for their skills at the forge.”

  “Yeah, apparently dwarfs are famous for everything,” Gustav muttered, shaking his head.

  “Well, I guess we should move on,” Liam said, sliding the miniature sword into the much larger sheath that hung from his belt.

  “Sorry, I’m still kind of reeling from the fact that we sent the dwarfs away,” Frederic said, somewhat testily. “What were you thinking, Duncan? You don’t quite understand that going up against Zaubera will be incredibly dangerous, do you? You should be terrified. But you’re acting like you’re heading out to buy new tights or something.”

  “I know it’s dangerous! That’s why I sent the dwarfs away—to keep them safe,” Duncan lied.

  “And what about us?” Frederic said, aghast. “You’re fine if one of us dies?”

  “Well, it sounds awful when you put it that way,” Duncan replied.

  “And you wonder why you don’t have many friends,” Frederic said sharply.

  The remark struck a nerve.

  “Well, you were the one who ran away when you thought the dwarfs were going to eat me!” Duncan exclaimed.

  “I didn’t think the dwarfs were going to eat you,” Frederic retorted. “I thought the dwarfs were a monster that was going to eat me!”

  “Enough!” Liam shouted. “We’re never going to help Cinderella if we’re fighting among ourselves.”

  “Aw, why’d you have to break it up?” Gustav said with a smirk. “I was enjoying that.”

  Frederic and Duncan both looked at their feet sheepishly.

  “Duncan,” Liam said, “why didn’t you leave with the dwarfs?”

  “Well, because you guys came back,” Duncan said. “In my whole life, no one who has run away from me has ever come back.”

  Liam turned to Frederic. “Are you still mad at him?”

  Frederic shook his head and blubbered a soppy “No.”

  “Good,” said Liam. “Now let’s move.”

  Frederic raised his hand.

  “Frederic, do you, uh, have a question?” Liam asked.

  Frederic sniffled and nodded. “I don’t know how to use a sword.”

  “Oh, that’s right,” Duncan said. “Neither do I.”

  “Go team,” Gustav said in a mock cheer.

  “Look, men, we don’t have time for fencing lessons right now,” Liam said. “Just hold your weapon by the handle and swing it at the bad guys. Besides, if everything goes according to my plan, you two will only need to provide a distraction. You should never have to actually fight anyone.”

  Frederic raised his hand.

  “You don’t need to keep raising your hand, Frederic,” Liam sighed.

  “Sorry,” Frederic said, although he kept his hand in the air. “Um, I just wanted to ask: What exactly is your plan?”

  “Don’t worry about it now,” Liam said. To be honest, he hadn’t factored the others into his plan much. He was used to working alone. He figured he would be the one to sneak past the giant, scale the wall of the prison, free the girl, and duel the witch if necessary. The others only needed to hang out in the shrubs and distract the giant with some birdcalls. But something told Liam that these guys—especially Gustav—wouldn’t be satisfied with such a small role in the mission, so he put off telling them anything. “When we get to Zaubera’s hideout, just do what I tell you to do,” he said.

  Duncan raised his hand.

  “What, Duncan? What?” Liam huffed.

  “Where do I put the sword when I’m not using it?” Duncan asked.

  “In your belt,” Liam said.

  “But what if I stab myself in the leg?”

  This is going to be a disaster, Liam thought.

  He was right.

  13

  PRINCE CHARMING IS COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY

  Lila was relieved when Ruffian the Blue stopped for a snack break. She was starving. She’d been following the bounty hunter for days, and the man barely ever rested. Every now and then, Ruffian would stop to investigate some tracks or interrogate a frightened farmer, but never long enough for Lila to scout out some food of her own. She felt grateful that at least he was a sloppy eater; she eagerly snapped up every bread crust or half-eaten apple that Ruffian left behind. But scraps like that were all she’d had since she left Briar Rose’s palace.

  Lila hopp
ed down from her horse and watched from several yards away as the bounty hunter started to untie his food pack. She closed her eyes and imagined him pulling out a huge chocolate cake. She pictured him eating one small piece, deciding it was too rich, and leaving the rest on a tree stump. With a fork. Mmm, fudgey.

  “Why are you following me?”

  Lila’s eyes popped open as soon as she heard the slow, mournful voice of Ruffian the Blue. The bounty hunter was standing right in front of her. How had he managed to get that close without her hearing? Lila let out a short gasp and darted toward her horse.

  “Aw, do you have to run?” Ruffian whimpered. He grabbed a small pebble and flung it. Before the girl could reach her horse, the rock stung the animal’s backside and sent it galloping off wildly.

  “My horse!” Lila cried with a mixture of fear and anger. She turned to see Ruffian advancing on her. With his hood on, most of the bounty hunter’s face was in shadow. All Lila could see was his frowning mouth and pouty lower lip.

  Fig. 29 LILA. IN PURSUIT

  “You’re annoyed?” Ruffian moaned. “Do you think this is how I wanted to spend my snack break?”

  Lila ran. She dashed down the dirt road as fast as she could, grateful that she was not wearing the high-heeled glass slippers her mother had picked out for her. There was no noise behind her, and she thought for one happy moment that she’d managed to lose Ruffian. But then she heard the rapid clopping of hoofbeats. He was chasing her on horseback. There was no way she could outrun him now.

  Lila stopped and climbed the nearest tree. Ruffian halted his horse directly underneath her. “Really?” the hooded man sighed. “Do you have to make this difficult?”

  He reached up, trying to grab hold of Lila’s leg. She leapt nimbly to the next tree over. Ruffian sighed and drooped in his saddle. “Kids,” he complained. He nudged his horse a few feet down the road until he was under Lila again. She leapt to another tree.

  “This isn’t funny,” Ruffian whined. He trotted another three feet and reached up for Lila once more. She jumped to the next tree.

  Perching precariously on her narrow pine branch, Lila watched as Ruffian reached into a pouch at his waist. She gulped and almost lost her balance when she saw him pull out a glistening dagger. Oh no, she thought. Escaping from grumpy parents and absentminded tutors had not adequately prepared her for evading professional bounty hunters.