Schultz

  “Your Royal Grace don’t you think that Schultz here is, under his brash American exterior, a great romantic.”

  “I do actually Binky, I actually do.”

  “He reads so many showbizz trade newspapers and periodicals that he thinks every legitimate producer sits with his desperately livid cock out waiting for some defenceless girl to come and be requested to perform some resuscitating mouth tiring ministration upon it. Totally wrong, Schultz. Just as you, we too are dedicated to the theatre. Do have some more of the smoked salmon Schultz. And only the other day I was saying to his royal highness here what a rather good figure you cut. And how your silk shirts become you.”

  “This fucking thing I’m wearing is nylon.”

  “O dear. But now the truth of the matter is Schultz. That we told these prospective secretaries that they would have to, from time to time, work for you and that on their way out they might just peek in the office at the end of the corridor. I fear it was from that point onwards you heard the vituperation and screaming. And it does not surprise me in the least following his Royal Grace’s most unfortunate confrontation at your Belgravia establishment.”

  “What the fuck are you talking about Binky.”

  “Ah. I think in the interests of hygiene, and the well being of the board members of Sperm Productions, not to mention widespread epidemic, his Royal Grace will allow me to repeat for him his sad tale. And do try the asparagus Schultz, Mario, pop some of those nice tender stalks on to the Viscount Schultz’s plate. And help yourself Schultz to Mario’s renowned mayonnaise.”

  “Hey come on, what is this.”

  “Schultz now. You must shut up and listen. This is the matter of the major matter we must resolve before making our substantial investment in your little show.”

  “Christ you guys. I knew you were going to go beating around the bush when this whole god damn production is on my mind.”

  “Now Schultz you have, haven’t you done some really rather lousy rotten things to ladies.”

  “Jesus what is this.”

  “Well the fact of the matter is, and I have your permission your Royal Grace, ah good. And Mario that will be all for the moment, till the scampi thank you.”

  “Very good sir.”

  “Well Schultz, one inclement morning not that long ago our dear Lord Nectarine here was motoring into town from a west country direction from one of his westerly located country houses and thinking of your welfare, asked his faithful Hubert to stop a moment at your residence in order that he might give you a lift into the office. And I regret to say his Royal Grace at once became witness to a rather bizarre event. Schultz, do try that sauce that Mario has spent two hours preparing this morning. Indeed it is the most famous sauce in London.”

  “Come on you guys. You’re going to gorge me. I’ve got important work to do.”

  “Schultz there was an au pair.”

  “What au pair.”

  “Well we assume it was one you were clearly trying to shove out on the scrap heap after the usual twenty one days of nonstop sexual use or abuse of her body.”

  “Hey come on what is this.”

  “Schultz it’s a case of inhumanity, and do have a slice of wholemeal bread. Good for your hemorrhoids and chew it well.”

  “I ain’t got hemorrhoids.”

  “You may have them after this tale Schultz.”

  “Come on what tale.”

  “The tale involving his Royal Grace when he saw kneeling on the hard paving stones of your basement kitchen, a young honey blond lady in her night shift. Begging and shivering and sobbing not to be thrown out. No need to look goggle eyed behind your sunglasses Schultz. His royal highness was rather cut to the quick as she wailed out in her miserably fractured English that she would clean and scrub, cook and polish, worship and obey Mr. Schultz till death if only he would let her stay.”

  “This is what you guys do all day. Dream up this bullshit.”

  “Ah Schultz there is more. Ah but perhaps we should leave it till brandy and cigar time. We have some rather nice pale old stuff been lying in barrel down the London docks from the beginning of this century that my good chaps Berry Brothers and Rudd have just bottled. I think you’ll like its gently exquisite finesse.”

  “Come on, now you got started trying to ruin my appetite, get finished.”

  “Well as I say there was his Royal Grace on your doorstep. And then suddenly the servants’ entrance is flung open and in a veritable blaze of obscenities this honey blond creature in a yellow flowered dress was shoved into the London elements by a raven haired beauty whom his Royal Grace took to be some new member of your household.”

  “Hey now wait a minute, you sons of bitches. Have you been spying on me or something.”

  “Schultz you’ll choke speaking with a whole stalk of asparagus sticking out of your mouth like that. Ah but allow me to pour you a little spot more of Chablis to have with your scampi. I see we have struck a chord of some admission here. Haven’t we your Royal Grace. That the facts put forth are not entirely, to quote you Schultz, bullshit.”

  “Like hell they’re not.”

  “I mean Schultz naturally, your being a director of this old established firm we must be alert to hygiene and to your well being. And dear me, you’ve aready admitted being shoved about by this young lady’s two ton mother. A black eye today. With your toes broken periodically. A limping and thoroughly distraught man when you come in here prick weary of a lunch time. Well I tell you, his Royal Grace and I are alarmed. Even as we are pleased that you rather exaggeratedly uphold the firm’s name.”

  “Come on, so what, I broke my toes and got a black eye. What’s all this hygiene and eviction shit.”

  “We are Schultz about to come to that. Now his Royal Highness did in fact, on this particular faintly drizzly morning, and entirely out of the goodness of his heart, drive to your premises in order that, with the scarcity of taxis on London rainy mornings, you might not have to overexert your recently broken toes on the way to the office. I mean you have indeed been having to make so many trips to Harley Street these days.”

  “Jesus, that bitch from Rotterdam.”

  “Ah Schultz, you’ve jumped right out of your seat, at long last. And out of you has come a truly heartfelt sentiment. Now why.”

  “Jesus christ she broke every god damn dish in the kitchen, threw a flower pot through the window. Poured a jar of honey down the stairs. Flung jam on the walls. I’m still discovering what she did.”

  “And my dear Schultz you are about to discover more. Concerning that bitch from Rotterdam. And I must because of the verbatim quality, I am sure you’ll appreciate is necessary, now hand you over to his royal esteem Prince Basil, the well known Earl of Eel Brook Common and London’s most fashionable peer, who will take it up from here. I give you without further embroidery his Amazing Grace.”

  “Ah my dear pettifogging creampuff Schultz. Sit down.”

  “What for.”

  “I think it is best advised you do.”

  “Jesus I’m all right standing. But I could tell you were fucking well sitting waiting there to jump me with something. Give me a cigarette will you.”

  “As Binky smokes cigars, you’re referring I presume to one of mine Schultz.”

  “Sure why not.”

  “Well puff deeply Schultz. You’re going to need all the nicotine you can get. Firstly, so that you know beyond question that one does not pull your leg, the young lady’s legs from Rotterdam were, apart from being extremely attractively shaped, also extensively hairy.”

  “O Jesus, come on you guys. You really are trying to get me. I got a hundred and twenty thousand pound production hanging over my head.”

  “Schultz your budget has suddenly doubled.”

  “Fucking well right it has. Now will you tell me what the fuck’s going on and stop bullshitting all over the place.”

  “Dear me Schultz is your little show going to cost that much.”

  “My little sh
ow, Binky. Well let me tell you. I got a husband and wife team composing who think that combined they’re Puccini. A playwright doing the book who thinks he’s Shakespeare. And a fucking director who thinks that in his suede shoes he’s god. And they all think they should live full time in suites at the Dorchester.”

  “O dear Schultz. Do sit down. And finish your scampi. In a moment there will be chocolate mousse. And his Royal Grace and I do so hate to add to your troubles.”

  “Well go on add. Just don’t waste my fucking time doing it. Come on your Lordship.”

  “Well Schultz when your lady friend was being flung out by this other most attractive but extremely determined lady I naturally assisted the wretched girl. Not knowing of course that she had done the dire dirty to your domicile. She was nearly delirious, tears streaming down her face. My Dutch is extremely rusty but at least I could follow the rudiments of what she was saying.”

  “O.K. what was she saying.”

  “Well among other things, that she couldn’t return to her employers. Indeed she volunteered she’d do anything for me, work in any of my castle kitchens or meadows. Of course I realised that this meant that you Schultz had been shooting your loud mouth off yet again, and had been telling her all sorts of exaggerated tales about me. I instead took her to one of the better quality West End hotels and gave them your name and address to send the charges to.”

  “You did like shit.”

  “Ah Schultz you are a disbeliever aren’t you.”

  “Damn right. This whole story is all the same, one fifth fact, four fifths fiction.”

  “Well perhaps. And to some extent you are quite correct Schultz. I did have Hubert take her back to Hornchurch to her employers.”

  “Hey how did you know where she lived.”

  “Ah Schultz, of course I knew. From her very own lips. I’ve repeatedly attempted to make it evident to you that you are being told the absolute truth.”

  “Well come on then tell it. What’s it you’re driving at.”

  “Well Schultz in a nut shell. As a result of assisting this lady not only have I been interviewed by the police regarding her possible abduction but also by three extremely worried medical investigators.”

  “Holy shit what for.”

  “Now Schultz please, you’ve nearly upset the entire table, do sit down.”

  “Holy christ I’m down.”

  “Ah that’s better. Binky pour our dear fellow director some brandy. Now please don’t get hysterical, Schultz.”

  “Hey how fucking tranquil do you want me to get for christ’s sakes.”

  “Well Schultz, extremely tranquil. Since it appears from confirmed bacterial findings that your young lady was evidently suffering from a rapidly spreading and so far un treatable venereal disease from the Orient. Schultz, sit down. And please listen. These medical investigators are desperate to track anyone down who had any contact with her even of the most casual sort.”

  “Hey, I’m not going to believe one more fucking word of this.”

  “By all means, don’t Schultz. Don’t.”

  The sun glinting on Schultz’s sunglasses and his hands spreading out beside him on the chaise longue where in his table toppling anxiety he was now sitting ready to spring up to escape. His adam’s apple going up and down in his throat as he swallowed and his tongue flicking out between his lips. As he quietly turned white before turning beet red.

  “Hey come on, is this serious for christ’s sake. Is this the truth. Come on Binky. This is all a lot of shit isn’t it.”

  “Schultz, as much as one would prefer it to be, unhappily I assure you, it is distinctly not. And I admonish you to heed his Royal Grace’s every word.”

  “Hey come on. From the Orient. That’s miles away.”

  “Alas not for this incurable chronic vesicular chancre, Schultz. Popping from continent to continent is merely a hop skip and jump for it.”

  “You guys are really just shitting me. There’s got to be a cure.”

  Binky presiding before his glass of brandy, taking up his gold clipper and snipping a piece from the end of his cigar. As his Lordship crossed his legs and sat deeply back in his chair sniffing his very special old pale cognac over the edge of his glass and then holding it aloft in the direction of both the light and of Schultz’s increasingly flustered face.

  “Schultz, it’s you who ought to be shitting. It’s so stupidly American of you, thinking everything’s got to have a cure.”

  “That’s not American, that’s true. There’s a day and night struggle that goes on to find a cure for everything. And they find them. Don’t worry.”

  “I do so hate to dash your hopes Schultz. But according to these medical investigators, although you Americans are presently pulling your hair out trying to find a cure for these deucedly severe microbes, which have afflicted some of your far flung military bases, you yet haven’t.”

  “You don’t even have a name for the disease.”

  “Oriental Venereal Plague.”

  “Hey come on, that kind of plague stuff went out with the middle ages.”

  “My dear Schultz. Your innocence and faith in man’s all conquering abilities is so refreshing sometimes. But some of these microbes which even predate the human race, not only still lurk everywhere but indeed are far more able to survive than man himself.”

  “Well what the fuck are they doing about them then. It’s not right they’re loose like that.”

  “Exactly. Therefore these investigators are tracking down and rigidly enforcing isolation and quarantine of the unfortunate victims. Fortunately I was wearing gloves and did not come into skin contact with the lady. But of course where she sat in my motor, was sprayed and my gloves burned.”

  “Holy shit. I needed this now. On top of what I got already.”

  “And now Schultz what on earth are you so suddenly concerned about.”

  “My fucking health.”

  “Schultz you ass, that doesn’t mean that you become infected merely by a person’s presence. The medical investigators were quite clear in stating that there had to be solid if not somewhat prolonged mucous membrane contact.”

  “Holy motherfucking christ.”

  “Come come get a grip on yourself Schultz. There’s no need for such extreme blaspheming profanity. You really are beginning to take this awfully hard.”

  “Hard. You want me to rejoice.”

  “But surely Schultz this young lady was most safely imprisoned in your commodious basement.”

  “Yeah sure, I kept her locked down there. But I had to let her loose once in a while, didn’t I. You can’t treat someone like a criminal before you know they are.”

  “And quite rightly so Schultz. At least you’re eminently fair.”

  “And I wish I wasn’t. Boy. When she was trying to wreck it she got all over the house.”

  “Ah then Schultz of course you’ll make sure to get only experienced fumigators when cleaning the jam off your walls especially if she were flinging it about in bare fistfuls. But do remember. Only those who may have actually had orifice contact are at serious risk. Those who touch the girl on her skin or rub up close to her in some fashion are only at moderate risk.”

  “Hey now wait a minute why the fuck are they calling it venereal if you can get it just touching someone.”

  “Ah I’m very glad you asked that question Schultz, it’s precisely what I thought. And I’m suitably impressed by your medical knowledge. But damn it all, it really does take the cake you know. Evidently these microbes which have reached us from the Far East are of quite an advanced type. Enabling them to withstand greater rigors in their survival. And Schultz please stop dropping your cigarette ash on the cushion.”

  “Holy shit here he is telling me to stop dropping my ash on the fucking cushion when I could be deeply infected with fucking germs they got no cure for.”

  “I’ve already told you Schultz. It doesn’t mean that whenever you lightly brush up against one of these heinously afflicte
d persons that you will automatically pick up one of these fearful microbes. But of course delving into orifices and therein taking your sport is entirely another matter. Then there is no question this most awful evil affliction may befall one.”

  “Holy shit stop saying that word orifice will you. Here I stand on the abyss of a hundred and twenty thousand pounds and you give me this kind of good news.”

  “The really unfortunate thing is Schultz, that we hadn’t given it to you sooner. In order to save your new lady friend and even her mother from being infected. Of course the medical investigators will want to interview them. And conveniently she’s already in hospital. Why are you looking so distraught Schultz.”

  “I’m not distraught.”

  “Anyone Schultz would think you were the way you are again jumping up.”

  “Well I’m fucking well not. Did these investigators tell you what the symptoms were.”

  “Yes as a matter of fact.”

  “Well come on. Tell me.”

  “Good grief Schultz you are indeed exhibiting the most considerable anxiety.”

  “Never mind what the fuck I’m exhibiting. What do the symptoms exhibit.”

  “Well anyone would think you’d caught it the way you’re pacing around there.”

  “What are the fucking symptoms. And Binky while you’re falling off the chair spilling your brandy and laughing you can fucking well stop thinking this is so fucking funny. Come on your Lordship.”

  “Schultz you won’t believe it when I tell you.”

  “Come on fucking well tell me. I’m waiting here for christ’s sake.”

  “O god Schultz it’s just dawned on me. Could this be a just retribution. For the stream of au pairs you’ve corrupted in and out of your bed. And Schultz, my god, one is beginning to think that girl wasn’t just simply scrubbing your floors. May we assume perhaps that you were rather friendlier with her than master and servant custom usually permits. And were up her or engaged in behaviour akin to being so.”

  “No I was not.”

  “Well then why are you sweating.”

  “Well holy shit I mean you know, you meet the odd girl here and there and so I got to watch out, don’t I.”