The Diary of a Nobody

  I had to buy more and pay more than intended. Unfortunately I did not examine them all, and when I got home I discovered a vulgar card with a picture of a fat nurse with two babies, one black and the other white, and the words: ‘We wish Pa a Merry Christmas.’ I tore up the card and threw it away. Carrie said the great disadvantage of going out in Society and increasing the number of our friends was, that we should have to send out nearly two dozen cards this year.

  DECEMBER 21. To save the postman a miserable Christmas, we follow the example of all unselfish people, and send out our cards early. Most of the cards had fingermarks, which I did not notice at night. I shall buy all future cards in the daytime. Lupin (who, ever since he has had the appointment with a stock and share broker, does not seem overscrupulous in his dealings) told me never to rub out the pencilled price on the backs of the cards. I asked him why. Lupin said: ‘Suppose your card is marked 9d. Well, all you have to do is to pencil a 3 – and a long down-stroke after it – in front of the ninepence, and people will think you have given five times the price for it.’

  In the evening Lupin was very low-spirited, and I reminded him that behind the clouds the sun was shining. He said: ‘Ugh! it never shines on me.’ I said: ‘Stop, Lupin, my boy; you are worried about Daisy Mutlar. Don’t think of her any more. You ought to congratulate yourself on having got off a very bad bargain. Her notions are far too grand for our simple tastes.’ He jumped up and said: ‘I won’t allow one word to be uttered against her. She’s worth the whole bunch of your friends put together, that inflated sloping-head of a Perkupp included.’ I left the room with silent dignity but caught my foot in the mat.2

  DECEMBER 23. I exchanged no words with Lupin in the morning; but as he seemed to be in exuberant spirits in the evening I ventured to ask him where he intended to spend his Christmas. He replied: ‘Oh, most likely at the Mutlars’.’ In wonderment, I said: ‘What! after your engagement has been broken off?’

  Lupin said: ‘Who said it is off?’

  I said: ‘You have given us both to understand – ’

  He interrupted me by saying: ‘Well, never mind what I said. It is on again – there!’

  I receive an insulting

  Christmas card. We spend a

  pleasant Christmas at Carrie’s mother’s.

  A Mr Moss is rather too free. A boisterous

  evening, during which I am struck in the

  dark. I receive an extraordinary letter

  from Mr Mutlar, senior, respecting

  Lupin. We miss drinking out

  the old year.

  Chapter XIII

  DECEMBER 24. I am a poor man, but I would gladly give ten shillings to find out who sent me the insulting Christmas card I received this morning. I never insult people; why should they insult me? The worst part of the transaction is, that I find myself suspecting all my friends. The handwriting on the envelope is evidently disguised, being written sloping the wrong way. I cannot think either Gowing or Cummings would do such a mean thing. Lupin denied all knowledge of it, and I believe him; although I disapprove of his laughing and sympathizing with the offender. Mr Franching would be above such an act; and I don’t think any of the Mutlars would descend to such a course. I wonder if Pitt, that impudent clerk at the office, did it? Or Mrs Birrell, the charwoman, or Burwin-Fosselton? The writing is too good for the former.

  CHRISTMAS DAY. We caught the 10.20 train at Paddington, and spent a pleasant day at Carrie’s mother’s. The country was quite nice and pleasant, although the roads were sloppy. We dined in the middle of the day, just ten of us, and talked over old times. If everybody had a nice, uninterfering mother-in-law, such as I have, what a deal of happiness there would be in the world. Being all in good spirits, I proposed her health; and I made, I think, a very good speech.

  I concluded, rather neatly, by saying: ‘On an occasion like this – whether relatives, friends, or acquaintances – we are all inspired with good feelings towards each other. We are of one mind, and think only of love and friendship. Those who have quarrelled with absent friends should kiss and make up. Those who happily have not fallen out, can kiss all the same.’

  I saw the tears in the eyes of both Carrie and her mother, and must say I felt very flattered by the compliment. That dear old Reverend John Panzy Smith, who married us, made a most cheerful and amusing speech, and said he should act on my suggestion respecting the kissing. He then walked round the table and kissed all the ladies, including Carrie. Of course one did not object to this: but I was more than staggered when a young fellow named Moss, who was a stranger to me, and who had scarcely spoken a word through dinner, jumped up suddenly with a sprig of mistletoe, and exclaimed: ‘Hulloh! I don’t see why I shouldn’t be in on this scene.’ Before one could realize what he was about to do, he kissed Carrie and the rest of the ladies.

  Fortunately the matter was treated as a joke, and we all laughed; but it was a dangerous experiment, and I felt very uneasy for a moment as to the result. I subsequently referred to the matter to Carrie, but she said: ‘Oh, he’s not much more than a boy.’ I said that he had a very large moustache for a boy. Carrie replied: ‘I didn’t say he was not a nice boy.’

  DECEMBER 26. I did not sleep very well last night; I never do in a strange bed. I feel a little indigestion, which one must expect at this time of the year. Carrie and I returned to Town in the evening. Lupin came in late. He said he enjoyed his Christmas, and added: ‘I feel as fit as a Lowther Arcade fiddle, and only require a little more “oof” to feel as fit as a £500 Stradivarius.’ I have long since given up trying to understand Lupin’s slang, or asking him to explain it.

  DECEMBER 27. I told Lupin I was expecting Gowing and Cummings to drop in tomorrow evening for a quiet game. I was in hope the boy would volunteer to stay in, and help to amuse them. Instead of which, he said: ‘Oh, you had better put them off, as I have asked Daisy and Frank Mutlar to come.’ I said I could not think of doing such a thing. Lupin said: ‘Then I will send a wire, and put off Daisy.’ I suggested that a post-card or letter would reach her quite soon enough, and would not be so extravagant.

  Carrie, who had listened to the above conversation with apparent annoyance, directed a well-aimed shaft at Lupin. She said: ‘Lupin, why do you object to Daisy meeting your father’s friends? Is it because they are not good enough for her, or (which is equally possible) she is not good enough for them?’ Lupin was dumbfounded, and could make no reply. When he left the room, I gave Carrie a kiss of approval.

  DECEMBER 28. Lupin, on coming down to breakfast, said to his mother: ‘I have not put off Daisy and Frank, and should like them to join Gowing and Cummings this evening.’ I felt very pleased with the boy for this. Carrie said in reply: ‘I am glad you let me know in time, as I can turn over the cold leg of mutton, dress it with a little parsley, and no one will know it has been cut.’ She further said she would make a few custards, and stew some pippins, so that they would be cold by the evening.

  Finding Lupin in good spirits, I asked him quietly if he really had any personal objection to either Gowing or Cummings. He replied: ‘Not in the least. I think Cummings looks rather an ass, but that is partly due to his patronizing “the three-and-six-one-price hat company”, and wearing a reach-me-down frockcoat. As for that perpetual brown velveteen jacket of Gowing’s – why, he resembles an itinerant photographer.’

  I said it was not the coat that made the gentleman; whereupon Lupin, with a laugh, replied: ‘No, and it wasn’t much of a gentleman who made their coats.’

  We were rather jolly at supper, and Daisy made herself very agreeable, especially in the earlier part of the evening, when she sang. At supper, however, she said: ‘Can you make tee-to-tums with bread?’ and she commenced rolling pieces of bread, and twisting them round on the table. I felt this to be bad manners, but of course said nothing. Presently Daisy and Lupin, to my disgust, began throwing bread-pills at each other. Frank followed suit, and so did Cummings and Gowing, to my astonishment. They then commenc
ed throwing hard pieces of crust, one piece catching me on the forehead, and making me blink. I said: ‘Steady, please; steady!’ Frank jumped up and said: ‘Tum, tum; then the band played.’

  I did not know what this meant, but they all roared, and continued the bread-battle. Gowing suddenly seized all the parsley off the cold mutton, and threw it full in my face. I looked daggers at Gowing, who replied: ‘I say, it’s no good trying to look indignant, with your hair full of parsley.’ I rose from the table, and insisted that a stop should be put to this foolery at once. Frank Mutlar shouted: ‘Time, gentlemen, please! time!’ and turned out the gas, leaving us in absolute darkness.

  I was feeling my way out of the room, when I suddenly received a hard intentional punch at the back of my head. I said loudly: ‘Who did that?’ There was no answer; so I repeated the question, with the same result. I struck a match, and lighted the gas. They were all talking and laughing, so I kept my own counsel; but, after they had gone, I said to Carrie: ‘The person who sent me that insulting post-card at Christmas was here tonight.’

  DECEMBER 29. I had a most vivid dream last night. I woke up, and on falling asleep, dreamed the same dream over again precisely. I dreamt I heard Frank Mutlar telling his sister that he had not only sent me the insulting Christmas card, but admitted that he was the one who punched my head last night in the dark. As fate would have it, Lupin, at breakfast, was reading extracts from a letter he had just received from Frank.

  I asked him to pass the envelope, that I might compare the writing. He did so, and I examined it by the side of the envelope containing the Christmas card. I detected a similarity in the writing, in spite of the attempted disguise. I passed them on to Carrie, who began to laugh. I asked her what she was laughing at, and she said the card was never addressed to me at all. It was ‘L. Pooter’, not ‘C. Pooter’. Lupin asked to look at the direction and the card, and exclaimed with a laugh: ‘Oh yes, Guv., it’s meant for me,’ I said: ‘Are you in the habit of receiving insulting Christmas cards?’ He replied: ‘Oh yes, and of sending them, too.’

  In the evening Gowing called, and said he enjoyed himself very much last night. I took the opportunity to confide in him, as an old friend, about the vicious punch last night. He burst out laughing, and said: ‘Oh, it was your head, was it? I know I accidentally hit something, but I thought it was a brick wall.’ I told him I felt hurt, in both senses of the expression.

  DECEMBER 30, SUNDAY. Lupin spent the whole day with the Mutlars. He seemed rather cheerful in the evening, so I said: ‘I’m glad to see you so happy, Lupin.’ He answered: ‘Well, Daisy is a splendid girl, but I was obliged to take her old fool of a father down a peg. What with his meanness over his cigars, his stinginess over his drinks, his farthing economy in turning down the gas if you only quit the room for a second, writing to one on half-sheets of note-paper, sticking the remnant of the last cake of soap on to the new cake, putting two bricks on each side of the fireplace, and his general “outside-halfpenny-’bus-ness”, I was compelled to let him have a bit of my mind.’ I said: ‘Lupin, you are not much more than a boy; I hope you won’t repent it.’

  DECEMBER 31. The last day of the Old Year. I received an extraordinary letter from Mr Mutlar, senior. He writes: ‘Dear Sir, – For a long time past I have had considerable difficulty deciding the important question, “Who is the master of my own house? Myself, or your son Lupin?” Believe me, I have no prejudice one way or the other; but I have been most reluctantly compelled to give judgement to the effect that Iam the master of it. Under the circumstances, it has become my duty to forbid your son to enter my house again. I am sorry, because it deprives me of the society of one of the most modest, unassuming, and gentlemanly persons I have ever had the honour of being acquainted with.’

  I did not desire the last day to wind up disagreeably, so I said nothing to either Carrie or Lupin about the letter.

  A most terrible fog came on, and Lupin would go out in it, but promised to be back to drink out the Old Year – a custom we have always observed. At a quarter to twelve Lupin had not returned, and the fog was fearful. As time was drawing close, I got out the spirits. Carrie and I deciding on whisky, I opened a fresh bottle; but Carrie said it smelt like brandy. As I knew it to be whisky, I said there was nothing to discuss. Carrie, evidently vexed that Lupin had not come in, did discuss it all the same, and wanted me to have a small wager with her to decide by the smell. I said I could decide it by the taste in a moment. A silly and unnecessary argument followed, the result of which was we suddenly saw it was a quarter-past twelve, and, for the first time in our married life, we missed welcoming in the New Year. Lupin got home at a quarter-past two, having got lost in the fog – so he said.

  Begin the year with an

  unexpected promotion at the office.

  I make two good jokes. I get an enormous

  rise in my salary. Lupin speculates

  successfully and starts a pony-trap.

  Have to speak to Sarah.

  Extraordinary conduct

  of Gowing’s.

  Chapter XIV

  JANUARY 1. I had intended concluding my diary last week; but a most important event has happened, so I shall continue for a little while longer on the fly-leaves attached to the end of my last year’s diary. It had just struck half-past one, and I was on the point of leaving the office to have my dinner, when I received a message that Mr Perkupp desired to see me at once. I must confess that my heart commenced to beat and I had most serious misgivings.

  Mr Perkupp was in his room writing, and he said: ‘Take a seat, Mr Pooter, I shall not be a moment.’

  I replied: ‘No, thank you, sir; I’ll stand.’ I watched the clock on the mantelpiece, and I was waiting quite twenty minutes; but it seemed hours. Mr Perkupp at last got up himself.

  I said: ‘I hope there is nothing wrong, sir?’

  He replied: ‘Oh dear, no! quite the reverse, I hope.’ What a weight off my mind! My breath seemed to come back again in an instant.

  Mr Perkupp said: ‘Mr Buckling is going to retire, and there will be some slight changes in the office. You have been with us nearly twenty-one years, and, in consequence of your conduct during that period, we intend making a special promotion in your favour. We have not quite decided how you will be placed; but in any case there will be a considerable increase in your salary, which, it is quite unnecessary for me to say, you fully deserve. I have an appointment at two; but you shall hear more tomorrow.’

  He then left the room quickly, and I was not even allowed time or thought to express a single word of grateful thanks to him. I need not say how dear Carrie received this joyful news. With perfect simplicity she said: ‘At last we shall be able to have a chimney-glass for the back drawing-room, which we always wanted.’ I added: ‘Yes, and at last you shall have that little costume which you saw at Peter Robinson’s so cheap.’

  JANUARY 2. I was in a great state of suspense all day at the office. I did not like to worry Mr Perkupp; but as he did not send for me, and mentioned yesterday that he would see me again today, I thought it better, perhaps, to go to him. I knocked at his door, and on entering, Mr Perkupp said: ‘Oh, it’s you, Mr Pooter; do you want to see me?’ I said: ‘No, sir, I thought you wanted to see me!’ ‘Oh!’ he replied, ‘I remember. Well, I am very busy today; I will see you tomorrow.’

  JANUARY 3. Still in a state of anxiety and excitement, which was not alleviated by ascertaining that Mr Perkupp sent word he should not be at the office today. In the evening, Lupin, who was busily engaged with a paper, said suddenly to me: ‘Do you know anything about chalk pits, Guv.?’ I said: ‘No, my boy, not that I’m aware of.’ Lupin said: ‘Well, I give you the tip; chalk pits are as safe as Consols, and pay six per cent at par.’ I said a rather neat thing, viz.: ‘They may be six per cent at par, but your pa has no money to invest.’ Carrie and I both roared with laughter. Lupin did not take the slightest notice of the joke, although I purposely repeated it for him; but continued: ‘I give you the tip,
that’s all – chalk pits!’ I said another funny thing: ‘Mind you don’t fall into them!’ Lupin put on a supercilious smile, and said: ‘Bravo! Joe Miller.’

  JANUARY 4. Mr Perkupp sent for me and told me that my position would be that of one of the senior clerks. I was more than overjoyed. Mr Perkupp added, he would let me know tomorrow what the salary would be. This means another day’s anxiety; I don’t mind, for it is anxiety of the right sort. That reminded me that I had forgotten to speak to Lupin about the letter I received from Mr Mutlar, senr. I broached the subject to Lupin in the evening, having first consulted Carrie. Lupin was riveted to the Financial News, as if he had been a born capitalist, and I said: ‘Pardon me a moment, Lupin, how is it you have not been to the Mutlars’ any day this week?’

  Lupin answered: ‘I told you! I cannot stand old Mutlar.’

  I said: ‘Mr Mutlar writes to me to say pretty plainly that he cannot stand you!’

  Lupin said: ‘Well, I like his cheek in writing to you. I’ll find out if his father is still alive, and I will write him a note complaining of his son, and I’ll state pretty clearly that his son is a blithering idiot!’

  I said: ‘Lupin, please moderate your expressions in the presence of your mother.’

  Lupin said: ‘I’m very sorry, but there is no other expression one can apply to him. However, I’m determined not to enter his place again.’