Ashes of the Sun

  BB, Dakota, and the others followed me through the woods silently, as they had been taught to do. The only noise came from the crunch of leaves beneath their feet. I wished I could do something more for them. Something to make them smile. But my mind came up blank.

  “Come on, then,” I called out. “Let’s catch up!” I started to jog, waiting for them. The kids seemed confused. I gestured excitedly with my hands. “Rosie will get the best seat if we don’t hurry!”

  Dakota and BB shared a look. Then a smile. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen. It filled my heavy heart. Then we were all running, the sound of their laughter like music.

  Anne and Rosie were already in the clearing when we arrived. Dakota, BB, and the others collided as we came to a stop. My smile slipped slightly when I saw Bastian sitting beside Rosie on a fallen log, looking at something intently that the little girl held in her palm. He was nodding, taking whatever she was saying very seriously.

  I hadn’t spoken to Bastian since the day in the garden. It had been a long few days stewing over his words.

  His accusations.

  I didn’t like how they sat in my gut.

  But being outside, in the forest with the children, I could pretend none of that mattered.

  I was good at that.

  Pretending.

  Yet I couldn’t pretend what he said didn’t bother me. Or that I didn’t enjoy hearing about his life on the outside.

  Seeing him now, when I hadn’t prepared myself for it, I was completely unnerved.

  I wanted to ignore him, but I knew that wouldn’t be possible.

  As if sensing me, Bastian looked up. Our eyes met. He lifted a hand in a small wave. I kept my arms resolutely by my side.

  Then I looked away.

  Pia Drummond, who had just turned eleven, was laughing so hard she had tears in her eyes. “BB stepped in poo! I saw it!” she giggled, pointing at the boy’s foot.

  There was a chorus of “Ewww,” followed my more laughter.

  Dakota and the other kids were in hysterics and poor BB’s face turned bright red. “I did not! That wasn’t poo!” he protested, lifting his foot to look at the sole of his shoe.

  I felt flustered. I had to settle the children before they were overheard. I tried to forget about the man behind me, his blue, blue eyes drilling holes through my back.

  “That’s enough, everyone. Calm down. We’ve had our fun. Now it’s time to—”

  “Sara, look what Bastian found!” Rosie exclaimed, hurrying over, her hand outstretched. Bastian followed her over. I tensed the closer he came. My fingernails dug into my palms as I clenched my hands.

  Don’t look at him. Ignore him. He doesn’t matter.

  I could barely focus on what Rosie was saying.

  “What do you have there?” I asked her, hating how breathless I sounded. How out of sorts.

  “It’s a woolly worm!” she giggled. Curled in the center of her hand was a fuzzy black and orange caterpillar. Rosie touched it carefully with the tip of her finger and it uncurled and started to inch its way across her palm. She shrieked with delight as it made its way along her wrist. “Can I keep it? I love him so much!” she declared, gently picking it up and placing it back in the middle of her hand.

  “I don’t think—”

  “He’d be a lot happier out here with his caterpillar mom and dad, don’t you think?” Bastian cut in, before I had to let the excited girl down.

  Rosie’s mouth turned downward and I could see her pretty, brown eyes welling up with tears. “I don’t want to take him from his mommy and daddy,” she wailed, her lower lip trembling. “Take him back!” She held out her hand.

  Bastian scooped up the caterpillar. “It’s okay, Rosie. We were just saying hi. I’ll put him back now.” He walked over to the bushes and put the bug on the ground, shielded by the undergrowth. “See, now he’s with his family again.”

  Rosie wiped away her tears and gave a wobbly smile. “Good. I don’t want him to miss his family like I miss my grandma and grandad.” My chest ached at her innocent admission.

  Bastian glanced at me, his eyes sad, but forced his voice bright as he looked at the rest of the kids who had gathered around him curiously. “So, what are you guys up to out here?”

  Dakota stood up straight. “Anne and Sara said we could have Bible study in the woods. It’s better than being stuck inside.”

  Bastian nodded solemnly. “That it is,” he agreed.

  Anne started directing the kids to sit down but they were more interested in Bastian. “Why are you out here?” BB asked, whacking a tree with a stick he had found.

  “Oh, you know, checking out the sights. Rescuing caterpillars. That sort of thing.” He grinned down at Rosie, who seemed utterly charmed by him. She took his hand and huddled close to his leg. I was surprised by her ready familiarity with a man she had just met. Rosie was shy. It took her a long time to get used to new people and new situations. But with Bastian Scott, she naturally gravitated towards him, as though she had known him forever.

  “Can we find more bugs? Different ones?” Rosie asked, her eyes hopeful. “But not to keep. Only to look at. They have to stay with their bug families.”

  “Can we look for bugs too?” Pia asked, her normally hesitant expression brightening slightly.

  “We’re supposed to be reading from Psalms today, remember?” I said, watching as each of their faces fell with disappointment.

  None of them argued. They knew it was futile. They had learned, as we all did, that obedience was necessary. Bastian stood there, watching them as they trudged to the logs and sat down, his mouth pinched.

  I held the Bible in my hand. It felt uncomfortably heavy. Anne sat down beside Rosie, instructing the kids to bow their heads in prayer.

  They were like tiny robots. Their movements emotionless and mechanical. They went through the required motions. They had been taught what to do and they did it. No questions. No arguments.

  They were the best-behaved children. Most had learned the consequences for non-compliance.

  They were so young to be so conditioned.

  I felt slightly ill. There was a sour taste in my mouth and I wanted nothing more than to throw the holy book into the leaves.

  “I haven’t seen you in a while,” he said to me quietly.

  “Well, I’ve been around,” I retorted.

  “You seemed mad at me the last time we spoke,” he went on. Why did he have to bring that up now? With all the children pretending not to watch us when they were supposed to be praying.

  “I wasn’t mad,” I contested.

  “You seemed mad,” he argued.

  “Maybe you should stop presuming to know how I feel,” I bit out through clenched teeth.

  “Maybe you should start admitting how you feel instead of suppressing it all the damn time,” he whispered harshly.

  I opened my mouth to snap something back when Anne called my name.

  “We should get started,” my friend said, her eyes widening slightly. She looked from me to Bastian, sensing the tension between us.

  “I guess I should go then,” Bastian muttered, turning to leave, his eyes lingering on me. On the children with their downcast eyes.

  Only little Rosie dared to peek through her blond curls. She watched Bastian forlornly as he turned to leave.

  “You can stay if you want,” Anne spoke up, much to my chagrin. The kids all looked our way, their faces expectant.

  Bastian frowned. “I don’t think Bible study is my thing.”

  “Then you definitely shouldn’t stay,” I said with a sweet smile that didn’t fool him in the slightest.

  He raised an eyebrow, his lips twitching as if he were trying not to laugh.

  The Bible was like a brick in my hand. I looked from Bastian to the kids. I was expected to spend the next hour reading the scriptures. Ensuring that the children understood God’s message. To use it to reinforce the philosophies of The Gathering.

  Why did that feel
so daunting?

  He met my eyes. “Or…” He let the word hang in the air before turning to Anne and the kids. “Perhaps, just for today, we can do something else?” he suggested, shrugging. As if it were perfectly reasonable.

  In another world, it would be.

  But not here. Not in this life.

  “Pastor Carter tasked us with teaching them, Bastian. It’s our duty,” I told him, though surprisingly there was no bite in my tone. No admonishment.

  I felt weary of the same old argument.

  “Maybe Bastian’s right. Perhaps we can go without Bible study for one day,” Anne murmured, her eyes pleading. The kids didn’t dare look at me. Didn’t dare get their hopes up.

  They had learned that duty trumped everything else. It was one of the first lessons you became schooled in.

  “There’s more to learning then reading from some old book,” Bastian continued. He was speaking blasphemy. I should scold him. I should tell him to leave. He was a bad influence. The children needed to stay on their path.

  A path that they never agreed to…

  A memory hit me like a freight train. Of sitting silently during a sermon. Of hating every second I spent on the cold, hard floor. I wasn’t allowed to move. I wasn’t allowed to speak. I had to stay completely still. Because it was God’s will.

  And when I stared too long out the window at a pair of doves in the tree building a nest, my mother pinching my arm until the skin bruised. I was sent to The Refuge for three hours after that. Tears were useless so I didn’t bother with them.

  I learned to follow the path. But only through fear of getting in trouble. Fear of being locked in a tiny room with no windows.

  Fear of the cold look in Pastor Carter’s eyes when I disappointed him.

  I didn’t want the kids to feel that dread.

  I really didn’t.

  I may be the perfect disciple—Pastor Carter’s chosen favorite—but that came at a cost. And it was a price these children didn’t have to pay. Not yet.

  There was time for them to find their way.

  If they wanted to…

  I tucked the Bible into the deep pocket of my skirt. “Okay then. What should we do with our hour then?”

  There was a whole minute of stunned silence. Anne stared at me as though I had morphed into something alien. The kids’ eyes went wide as saucers.

  And Bastian…

  He stared at me with something in his eyes that made my stomach flip and tumble.

  “No ideas then?” I asked, clearing my throat.

  They all started talking at once. Though not too loudly. We all knew better than to be overheard.

  They jumped to their feet, crowding around Bastian, the catalyst for the change in their routine. They knew who to thank for the freedom they had been granted.

  I felt the sting of guilt. But it had nothing to do with ignoring my obligation and everything to do with following it doggedly.

  “Bastian, will you help me find more caterpillars?” Rosie asked. Dakota and BB asked him to show them what Poison Ivy looked like. Pia, Darlene Winslow, and Liam Powers asked if he could help them build a stick fort.

  Bastian held up his hands and they all went instantly quiet, their hands folded demurely in front of them. Perfect little disciples. He looked bothered by the sight in front of him but quickly covered his reaction. “How about we do something as a group? All together. Who here has played hide and seek?”

  Several hands shot up in the air as if they were in school. Rosie clung to Bastian’s arm, looking up at him. “Will you help me? I’ve never played before,” she whispered loudly.

  He knelt down so they were on eye level. “Of course, I will,” he promised her and she smiled. Bastian turned to Anne and me. “Why don’t we split the group up. Anne take one half, Sara, you take the other. Don’t go too far.”

  “That’s a given,” I deadpanned.

  He smirked as though he appreciated my response. I suspected he liked giving me a hard time.

  “Rosie, should we seek first?” he asked the small girl, who nodded vigorously. He looked at the rest of the kids, who were practically bouncing with excitement. “Okay, the rules are, go with your adult to find a hiding place. Nothing too hard for the first time. The object of the game is to get back here to this log before Rosie and I find you. We’ll count, giving you time to find a hiding place.” He sat down on the ground with Rosie, who he instructed to cover her eyes. “Let’s count to fifty. Can you do that?” he asked her.

  She hung her head. “I can only count to twenty.”

  He patted her hand. “That’s okay. I’ll help.” He covered his eyes with his hands and Rosie did the same. “Okay guys, I’m going to start counting.”

  Anne and I quickly split the group. I took Liam and Dakota, while Anne took Pia, Darlene, and BB. The boys laughed quietly as we hurried into the woods, trying to find a place to hide.

  Liam wanted to crawl inside a hollow tree. “You have to be able to get out quickly so you can run back to base,” I reminded him. I didn’t want to mention all the creepy crawlies that were probably using that tree as a home.

  “Okay, what about behind this bush?” Liam asked, crouching behind an oversized scrub tree. I could still see the red shock of his hair, but figured it would be hard for Rosie to spot right away.

  “Perfect,” I told him, giving him a thumbs up. With an infectious grin, Liam hid himself, having to cover his mouth with his hand to contain his glee.

  “Sara, what about this spot?” Dakota asked, lying down on the ground behind a large boulder. I made a point to look at it from all directions. Bastian was at number thirty. I could hear Rosie dutifully repeating the numbers.

  “Looks pretty great to me,” I said.

  Dakota went to go behind the rock then stopped. His green eyes sparkled with something that had to be joy. “This is the most fun I’ve had in forever. Thank you, Sara.”

  I was both touched and saddened by his gratefulness.

  To think playing a simple game of hide and seek was the most fun these kids had experienced in a long time…

  I couldn’t think about that.

  My childhood was no different.

  That doesn’t make it right.

  I blinked away dust that must have gotten in my eye and hurriedly found my own hiding spot. I kept it simple, choosing to stand behind a tree that didn’t quite cover me.

  Peeking out from around the trunk I heard Bastian call out, “Ready or not, here we come!” Several soft giggles drifted through the trees.

  Bastian made a show of stomping noisily through the leaves, telling Rosie places to look.

  “Found you!” she cried out triumphantly after finding Pia perched up on a tree branch.

  “Found you!” Rosie yelled, giving Anne a hug after seeing her sitting behind a holly tree.

  There was a rush of footsteps and Liam’s exuberant shout when he made it to home base.

  The game didn’t last long. Rosie found me only a few minutes after finding Darlene, who wasn’t that far from my hiding spot.

  “Found you, Sara!” Rosie exclaimed, her cheeks flushed with excitement.

  “You sure did!” I put my hands on my hips and feigned disappointment, which made her giggle.

  “You’re no match for Rosie’s super finding skills.” Bastian gave Rosie a high five.

  “Guess not. You and Bastian make quite a team.” Rosie hugged Bastian’s arm and he seemed delighted.

  “We’re the best, right, Bastian?” Rosie looked up at him adoringly.

  “I made it!” Dakota yelled from the base. He and Liam did a funny dance and we all rushed over to join in their celebration.

  “That was so much fun! Can we play it again?” Darlene asked, seeming to brace herself for rejection. They all were. For all the fun they just had, the kids looked as though they were waiting for it to be taken away.

  There was such miserable acceptance that totally obliterated the happiness I had witnessed only momen
ts earlier.

  Were we culling innocence to make way for beaten down obedience?

  How could this be what God wanted?

  I just want to go home, Mommy. Please!

  His face in the shadows. Rescuing me. Leading me into the light. But he was the one who put me in the dark…

  “One more game,” I announced to more cheers. And it felt good to put that delight on their faces.

  Bastian knocked my shoulder with his. “Do you want to pick the seeker this time?”

  “Sure.” I pointed to Dakota. “You’re it!” The boy did a cartwheel and then promptly covered his eyes and started counting.

  The kids dispersed, off to find their hiding spots. Bastian stopped before disappearing into the trees.

  “These kids should be doing more of this, don’t you think?” he asked, cocking his head to the side as he took the measure of me. As though he were trying to figure me out.

  I could hear their laughter all around me and couldn’t deny that they deserved more play in their lives.

  Pastor Carter said this was our safe place from the harshness of the outside world. That here we could be at peace. But listening to the children enjoying themselves, I realized I hadn’t heard the sound of pure joy in over ten years.

  And it didn’t ache. It didn’t fill me with a dull pain that never went away.

  I realized grudgingly that I had Bastian to thank for that.

  Maybe he was a change that we all needed.

  I watched him as he chased after the kids. He and Anne throwing good natured barbs at each other’s teams.

  Then it all came to a stop.

  “What’s going on out here?”

  The rough voice sent shivers down my spine. Clement Rowe and Stanley Gibbons stood behind us, hands crossed over their chests. Their grizzled beards covering most of their faces, giving them a menacing appearance.

  I had never liked either of the elders. They were Pastor’s heavies. The ones that kept watch over The Refuge. Pastor’s iron fists. Where he preached about passivity, Clement and Stanley’s threatening presence ensured we all fell in line.

  They answered only to Pastor. It seemed, at times, they held most of us in contempt. Including my mother. Neither seemed overly fond of her, or her place at Pastor’s side.