The Color of Her Panties

  Mela continued to question her, but Ida was at a loss for answers. She had sought her destiny, and her destiny had turned out to be crystallized. Apparently that had occurred, and these were the folk who had rescued her. She had no idea how much time had passed or where the dragon was now. But the name they had given her was settling in, and now it seemed that she had always been Ida, and that anyone who might have talked or written about her would have been calling her that. The centaur would have alluded to it as retrospective nomenclature, but probably it was just back-dating the text.

  The folk who had rescued her seemed nice enough. Possibly they were on a mission of their own. It would be really nice if they were going to see the Good Magician.

  It turned out that the merwoman and the ogress were indeed going there. So Ida decided to join them. It seemed that their path led through the garden shed, and was closed off when they removed the crystal block containing Ida, so they had to find another way. She was sorry to have interrupted their journey, but had not been aware of what was going on until they freed her from the crystal.

  Mela led the way, and Okra was last, with Ida safely in the middle. They reached a health spa spring and had a drink. Then Okra picked up a red boat she had evidently left there before, and carried it over her head with the strength of her kind. They finally came to a big lake. This was, it turned, out, Lake Kiss-Mee. They got into the little boat, and Okra rowed them vigorously across to an island. "It isn't really safe on the shore," Mela remarked. "It's not safe on the island either, but we know what the dangers are, so we're more comfortable here.

  Indeed it was comfortable, for there was a wonderful hot pool. Mela explained that she was not at all partial to fresh water, but had learned to appreciate this pool, as it was firewater. She had a set of firewater opals that seemed to glow more brightly as they neared this pool. The three of them soaked in it and compared histories. Ida told her story up to this point; and Okra told hers, and how she hoped to become a Main Character and maybe lose her asthma; and Mela said that her story was too long to cover, as she was older than she might appear, being one of the long-lived sea monsters, but that she was now in search of a suitable husband. She really was not choosy; any handsome, thoughtful, intelligent, gentle, and manly prince would do, especially one who happened to like well-endowed merwomen.

  Ida was not conversant with the tastes of princes, but she suspected that any who were manly would like Mela's endowments, which were trying their best to float to the surface of the hot water.

  Okra had a question. "How is it that you understood the speech of the dragon?" she asked Ida.

  Ida was taken aback. "Wasn't I supposed to?"

  "But human folk don't understand the languages of other creatures, do they? I mean, they understand creatures of human stock, so you can talk to the two of us, but dragons are different. To us, their speech is just roars and growls."

  "Oh, I didn't realize that," Ida said, chagrined. "I have been talking to animals all along, never realizing that I wasn't supposed to. The otterbees are friendly furry animals who like to swim and eat fish. Shouldn't I have talked to them?"

  "Of course you should have," Mela said. "We are just surprised that you have that ability. Maybe it's your talent."

  "My talent?"

  "Every human person has a magic talent. Didn't you know?"

  "No, I didn't. The fauns and nymphs didn't."

  "They aren't quite human enough, I think," Mela said. "Some of us part humans have built-in magic, such as being able to breathe water."

  "I never thought of it as magic. I just spoke to anyone who spoke to me."

  "Well, we can check it the next time we meet a dragon or other monster," Mela said. She went off to find some ripe pies for supper. Ida hurried to help her, for she had always been used to finding her own pies.

  After supper they discussed their plan of travel. Mela had a map, which indicated that the Good Magician's castle was to the west. It had shown a path that went that way, but that was the one now blocked off, so they had to find another.

  They pored over the map, and discovered what Mela had not seen before: there was an invisible river flowing from Iron Mountain through Poke country to Lake Kiss-Mee. The only way to find the river was to spot the faint reddish flecks of rust in it, from the mountain.

  Heartened, they decided to try that in the morning. Then they settled down for the night.

  But Ida had one question. "Do you happen to know why this is called Lake Kiss-Mee?"

  "It was once a very friendly lake," Mela explained. "So was the Kiss-Mee River which flows from it. But then the Demon Corps of Engineers pulled the river straight, and it lost all its charm and became the Kill-Mee River. They finally had to put it back the way it was, but neither the river nor the lake has yet fully recovered from the shock. That may be just as well, because we don't want to be compelled by their magic to be forever kissing them and each other."

  Ida had to agree with that. She had never kissed anyone herself, but had seen the fauns and nymphs doing it all the time. They had never stopped at kissing. So if kissing was one step in an ongoing process, Ida was not yet ready for it.

  In the morning Okra rowed them back across the lake. Ida wore her dull ordinary dress, for she was no longer on display. This time they explored the shore, looking for the invisible river. It occurred to Ida that she might be able to spy it if she squinted, because that changed the way things looked. Sure enough, soon she spied a faint wave pattern of air with flecks of reddish brown. Only if it was what she hoped it was, it wasn't air, but invisible water. The water was invisible, but not the sediment it carried along. "I think I see it," she announced pointing.

  Okra was facing back so she could row, but since Ida was in the rear end of the boat, the ogress could see her. So Okra guided the craft in that direction, and soon Mela also spied the specks of rust. "It looks just like wind," Mela said doubtfully.

  But Okra's oars made splashes as they encountered the invisible water. So she rowed right into the river, leaving the lake behind. The current was slow, so there was no trouble going against it; still, Ida was impressed with Okra's strength and endurance. This river flowed not in a regular riverbed, but across the varied landscape. Apparently (despite invisibly) it did not disturb the land it passed over, and kept to itself until it reached the lake. It maintained its elevation, winding back and forth to avoid hills and holes, so they got a fair tour of the surrounding land. It was mixed countryside, with trees of many kinds and bushes of a few kinds and herbs of one kind.

  A swirl of vapor appeared above the boat. Curious, Ida stared at it. Was it another branch of the invisible river? But it didn't seem to be flowing, just hovering.

  Then a mouth formed. "What are you staring it?" it demanded.

  "It talks!" Ida cried, affrighted.

  "Of course it talks," the mouth said. A pair of eyes formed, focusing on her. "What did you expect, a belch?"

  "But you're a cloud!" Ida protested. "Clouds don't talk. Do they?"

  "Of course clouds talk. Just not in a language humans understand."

  "Oh, you mean the way dragons do?"

  "Cardinally."

  "What?"

  "Intrinsically, inherently, fundamentally, elementarily, primarily."

  "Essentially?"

  "Whatever," the vapor said, clouding up.

  "That's the Demoness Metria!" Mela exclaimed, looking back.

  "However did you know?" the cloud asked, forming into the shape of a woman almost as shapely as Mela herself.

  "It was a lucky guess. There's nothing of interest going on here, Metria, so we shouldn't waste any more of your time."

  "But isn't this Ida?" Metria asked. "She's the most interesting person in Xanth."

  "I am?" Ida asked incredulously.

  "She is?" Mela asked. "Why is that?"

  "Because of her destiny. There's never been one quite like it before."

  "But my destiny was to be crystallized by the dragon,
" Ida said.

  "That may have been what the dragon claimed," Metria said. "But dragons are notorious liars."

  "I didn't know that."

  "Well, you haven't had much experience with dragons."

  "That's true," Ida agreed. "I didn't even know that humans couldn't talk to dragons."

  "That's what comes of an isolated upbringing," the demoness said.

  "Unless maybe my magic talent is to talk to monsters."

  Metria laughed. "What an interesting way to put it! But your talent is hardly that."

  "You know what my talent is?"

  "Of course I know!"

  "Will you tell me?" Ida asked eagerly.

  "I might, if you asked."

  "What is my talent?"

  "Then again, I might not." The demoness faded out.

  "I should have warned you," Mela said. "She likes to tease mortals. She probably doesn't know your talent anyway."

  "You mean demons are like goblins?" Ida asked. "You have to treat them discourteously?"

  "Not exactly. But they don't mean to do you any favors. Metria isn't bad, as demons go; she merely is bored and likes to entertain herself by watching what mortals do. But she has a problem finding the right word sometimes, and that gives her away."

  "I noticed."

  Now Okra spoke. "Why does the demoness think Ida is the most interesting person in Xanth?"

  "I'm really not very interesting," Ida said with maidenly modesty.

  "She said it was because of her destiny," Mela said, remembering. "I must say that though Metria can be annoying, she does seem to tell the truth. There must be something very special about Ida."

  "Maybe we'll find out when we reach the Good Magician's castle," Okra said.

  They continued on up the stream. It was definitely slanting uphill now; the current was stronger, and the flecks of rust were thicker.

  "Aren't you getting tired?" Ida asked the ogress. "You've been doing all the rowing."

  "I suppose I am," Okra agreed. "I hadn't noticed until now."

  "Let's see if we can pull to the side, without falling out of the water," Mela suggested.

  They did so, cautiously, and were able to come safely to land. They got out of the boat, and Okra lifted it out of the water and sat down to rest. Mela and Ida went looking for food, and found some cupcakes for Ida and some watermelons for Mela. But what would Okra like? They saw some okra plants growing, and knew that their fruit would be perfect for the ogress.

  As they ate, Ida saw a plant growing pretty red caps. "One of those will be fine to protect my delicate hair from the sun," she said. She went and picked a cap and put it on, and it fit her perfectly.

  Mela stretched. "We should get moving," she said.

  "Who says?" Ida snapped angrily.

  "Why, I just thought—" "So don't think!" Then Ida went and kicked the boat, startling the ogress. She was furious.

  Mela stared at her a moment. Then she sought her purse and brought out a little book. She leafed through its pages. "That's it!" she cried, finding her place.

  "That's not it!" Ida snarled.

  "What is?" Okra asked.

  "It's a madcap," the merwoman said.

  "Stop insulting me!" Ida screamed.

  "Please take off that cap."

  "I will not!"

  But Okra, behind her, reached out and lifted the cap from her head.

  Ida was immediately appalled. "What was I saying?"

  "It wasn't you," Mela explained. "You happened to pick a madcap. See, here it is in my manual. The moment you put it on, it made you mad."

  "Oh." Ida felt herself blushing. "I would never act like that. I mean—"

  "I knew something was wrong, and since the cap was the last thing that changed, I checked it. It wasn't your fault."

  "Oh, throw that awful thing away!"

  But Okra considered. "It might be useful sometime." She folded it and tucked it into a pocket. That startled Ida, because she hadn't known the ogress had any pockets, since she wasn't wearing anything.

  They put the boat back in the invisible river and climbed in. Okra, rested, rowed it more swiftly upstream. Ida could only marvel at the girl's strength. But of course that was the ogre's talent. Ogres were strong, ugly, and stupid, and it seemed Okra had one of those traits.

  They came to another lake. This one was smaller than the last, with a smooth surface on which little footprints showed. "I'd better check this," Mela said, getting out her manual. In a moment she had it: "This must be Lake Wails. We had better portage around it."

  "Why?" Ida asked.

  Then a huge creature appeared, running along the surface of the water, wailing. "Because we don't want to run afoul of the wails," Mela said. "I understand they get very upset if their prints are erased."

  "The prints of wails?"

  "That's right. They are unhappy enough as it is."

  Ida had to agree. So they got out of the boat and walked around the lake. At one point they encountered a multiheaded serpent. "Hello, serpent," Ida greeted it. But the thing only hissed several times at her simultaneously.

  She realized that Mela had been right: she couldn't talk to monsters. However, she doubted that the serpent had anything to say that she really wanted to hear.

  They found the river on the far side of the lake, and resumed their travel.

  Then the tip of the Iron Mountain came into sight. It was solid metal, poking high into the sky. The closer they came, the larger it loomed, until it towered above them. The river did flow from it, but not gently; it issued from a coiled spring in the side and plummeted through a waterfall.

  They parked the boat and started up the mountain. The way was steep, but there were iron steps and an iron guardrail, so it was all right. It seemed that they were not the first to come here.

  But when they were halfway up, walking along an iron ramp with a sheer cliff above and below, a dragon appeared in the sky. Ida looked, and her worst fear was realized. "That's Dragoman, the dragon who crystallized me!"

  "Well, we can't let him take you again," Mela said.

  "But we're helpless here! He can pick us all off, and probably will." Her fear was growing into a deadly certainty.

  "No, he won't," Okra said.

  "He won't?"

  "He won't?" Mela echoed.

  "Trust me."

  So Ida trusted her, since she had been asked to. Her deadly certainty faded back into weak-kneed uncertainty. There must be something Okra could do to dissuade the dragon from its fell purpose. Otherwise she would not be so confident.

  The dragon gave a harsh cry and swooped down at them, its dread talons extended. Ida did not understand what he was saying, but she could guess. He was angry that she had gotten away from his showcase.

  Okra fished out the madcap and put it on. She scowled. Then as the dragon made a grab for Ida, Okra made a ham fist and swung it furiously. It bashed the dragon on one leg and sent it spinning out of control.

  "Oh, lovely!" Mela breathed. "If there's one thing that can stand off a dragon, it's a mad ogre."

  So it seemed. But the dragon had not yet caught on that one of the three maidens was an ogress. He righted himself and came diving in again.

  This time Okra didn't bash his foot, she made a swipe with her ham hand and caught it in an ogre grip. She hauled the dragon in. Then she bashed him in the snoot with her other ham fist. "Don't fool with us, bezoar-breath!" she roared, and hurled him away.

  Now at last he caught on. He pulled out of his tailspin and circled, out of sorts.

  Then he reoriented and came in again. He might be up against an ogress, but after all, he was a dragon, and she was a rather puny example of her kind. He looked as if he had something new in mind. He opened his mouth.

  "He's going to crystallize us!" Ida screamed. "Don't let that vapor touch us!" Of course it seemed doubtful that they could stop the dragon from breathing on them, but Okra had said to trust her, so Ida did.

  The dragon loomed close. A jet
of vapor came out.

  Okra opened her own mouth and breathed back at the dragon. There was an awful stink.

  The dragon's breath and the ogre breath collided. They formed into the ugliest crystalline cloud imaginable. Then the crystal melted and dropped like the foul stone it was. The ogre breath had nullified it.

  The dragon took a look at this, shrugged, and flew away. His worst weapon had been thwarted, so he was doing the sensible thing and retreating.

  Okra turned toward the two of them. Her face was swollen and horrible. She inhaled.

  "Take off the cap!" Mela and Ida screamed together.

  Snarling, Okra swept off the cap. Then she looked appalled. Ida knew exactly how she felt. "You did wonderfully!" she said. "You got rid of the dragon and saved us all from a fate worse than—well, I don't know what it's worse than, but I'm glad you saved us."

  "I guess I did," Okra said. "I've never been ogre-mad before, but it seemed to be a good time for it."

  "It certainly was," Mela agreed warmly.

  Then they resumed their trek up the mountain. Ida thought about what had just happened. It seemed to her that Okra had a reasonable chance to achieve her dream of becoming a major character. She had certainly acted like one.

  CHAPTER 6.

  Jenny

  Jenny was still shaken by the revelation of the content of the secret of the Adult Conspiracy. But there was no time to ponder that, because the way was open and she had a Question to ask the Good Magician. Sammy Cat was already bounding into the main part of the castle.

  Actually, she had been here once before, but that was almost like a dream, and the castle had looked different. So it was just as unfamiliar now to her as it was to her friends.

  A young woman appeared. She had long fair hair with a tinge of green. "Princess Ivy!" Jenny exclaimed. She had met Ivy at the wedding of Prince Dolph and Electra.

  Ivy hugged them all, then ushered them into the main chamber where Magician Grey sat. "You're just in time for lunch," Ivy said brightly.

  Jenny started to protest, but realized that she was hungry, and the others surely were too. Sammy had already found the dish of milk that must have been set out for him. So they joined Grey at the table. He was nondescript, and not at all like Jenny's impression of someone from Mundania. But of course she had never been to Mundania, so couldn't judge the dull folk there.