The Color of Her Panties

  That had proved to be a bit complicated, but now it was done, and all six of them were on their way back to Goblin Mountain. Because Che, realizing that they could get there in time only with the help of the other three, had used juvenile logic to persuade them. He would not be able to get away with that when he grew to be an adult, but he wasn't there yet. Except for the business about the Adult Conspiracy, which perhaps he could pretend to forget for a few more years. It really didn't apply when centaurs weren't with humans or crossbreed humans, so was of limited concern. Centaurs preferred to fetch their progeny directly, not trusting innocent babies to the carelessness of storks.

  Now they stood at the edge of the cloud, the Nameless Castle behind them. The day was waning, and circumstantial evidence indicated that it was their second day of this quest; they had perhaps an hour to get back to Goblin Mountain. He hoped their new companions could enable them to do it.

  "Will all of us fit in the roc-ket seed?" Mela asked. She wore what Che recognized as a Freudian slip, which tried to slide around to reveal a peek at a truly intriguing panty. She also wore Freudian slippers, which tended to set her feet down where her legs showed a bit too much. There was surely an interesting story behind her attire.

  "Surely we will," Ida said optimistically. "It's such a big seed!"

  Now Che saw the seed to which she referred. It was a big cylinder with translucent sides and a panel. It lay on the edge of the cloud. He doubted it would hold six folk. In any event, what was the point? They didn't need to cram into a seed, they needed to travel swiftly.

  The ogress went to the seed and hauled it up so that it pointed toward the sky. "Pile in," she said gruffly. Che could see that she was not enormously pleased about this association, and she especially did not seem to like Jenny Elf. Well, she had reason. It was a real irony that the Simurgh should have required the ogress to help rescue the elf. Did the Simurgh have a mean streak?

  They piled into the big seed, and lo, it turned out to be even larger inside than out, and they all did fit. Then the ogress slid the side panel shut. She did something—and fire and smoke billowed all around the seed and hurled it up off the cloud. Now the fire and smoke seemed to be coming from the base of the seed, blasting out and down as if eager to get away from it. Well, that was better than having it try to burn up the seed! Maybe that was why the seed was moving so swiftly: to escape the fire.

  Jenny and Gwenny were hugging each other, terrified, but Mela and Ida were taking it in stride. Che looked at the ogress, and saw that she was looking at a panel on which were several pictures. One picture was glowing: a messy pocked rubble heap of a hill. That would be Goblin Mountain!

  He looked out through the transparent side. The seed leveled off, then zoomed across Xanth, headed inland. Che peered down, realizing that though he still seemed to be standing upright with the others, all them were actually lying flat with respect to Xanth. This was most interesting magic!

  The cloud bearing the Nameless Castle had evidently traveled a fair distance during their stay on it, because they were not traveling west, but northwest. He saw the Isle of Illusion, and the Gap chasm, and dragon country. Ahead was the smoke of the Element of Fire. But that was beyond their destination; was the ogress overshooting the mark?

  Then the roc-ket seed dropped down, already arriving at Goblin Mountain. They were going to be there on time! It came right at the mountain, frightening the goblins on it; Che almost laughed as he saw them scatter into their holes.

  The seed came to rest in sight of the mountain. Okra slid the panel open. They were there.

  Gwenny got over her fright. "Oh, how wonderful!" she exclaimed as they piled out and stood beside the seed. "You have done me such a favor!"

  "We did it because of the Good Magician," Mela said. "And Nada Naga and her brother, Naldo, and the Simurgh. We are each supposed to have our Questions answered when we're done. So now we'll go back to find Naldo, and hope that he makes good on his word."

  "Oh, Naldo will," Gwenny said. "He came to help us when the goblins fought the winged monsters, because of the alliance. He doesn't like goblins at all, in fact his people and ours have been at war for centuries, but he did it. He's the very best creature."

  Okra made a wheezing sound.

  Che glanced at her. "What's the matter?"

  "Just my asthma," Okra wheezed. "I must have changed altitude too swiftly. It will pass in a moment."

  But Che was alarmed. "You mean you have an illness?"

  Okra coughed weakly. "It comes and goes. It makes my breath clog up so I lose my strength. I've been lucky recently, and hardly felt it at all, but now it has caught up with me."

  "We must get a cure for you," Che said.

  "No, it will pass," she repeated. "I'm surprised it hasn't caught me more often since I left home. Maybe I've just been moving around so much that it hasn't been able to keep up. So maybe it just lay in wait for me here, and caught me." She coughed again, wheezingly. "You must get on to the mountain with your prize." She laid down the roc's talon, which now seemed to be too heavy for her to carry.

  Che didn't like this, but knew she was right: Gwenny had to get promptly to Goblin Mountain. "I hope you get better soon," he said. "You have been a real help to us."

  "I'm sure you'll think of a way to get rid of it," Ida said with her characteristic optimism.

  "That would be nice," Okra agreed, making an effort to smile.

  Mela and Ida and Okra climbed back into the seed and pulled the panel closed. Che and the girls quickly retreated, knowing that the fire and smoke would come again. Goblins were reappearing at their holes, and Gwenny waved them back.

  But nothing happened. The seed capsule just lay there.

  After a while the ogress slid open the panel. "It won't go," she reported gruffly. She still looked weak and worn, and her voice was faint.

  "Maybe you are not yet done with us," Che suggested.

  "Yes, that must be it," Ida agreed, climbing out.

  It did seem to make sense. So they remained a party of six, for the nonce, and Gwenny led the way to the mountain.

  They started toward the mountain. The sun was almost singeing the trees to the west. There was just time to make it before the day ended, so that Gwenny would not be disqualified.

  Suddenly a monster loomed up on the path before them. It was massive, with the head of a stag but with a single black horn in its forehead. It had four elephant's feet, a boar's tail, and the body of a horse. It lowed challengingly.

  Che happened to be in the lead. He stopped. This was certainly a monster, but not a winged one, so it could be a threat to him. "We're only passing by," he said.

  "Halooo!" it bellowed in its low voice. "You must pay to use my path."

  Gwenny stepped forward. "I know you, Hugh Mongous Monoceros! You're always lurking around, trying to take what isn't yours. This isn't your path! This is a goblin path."

  "Who says?" the monoceros demanded.

  "I say!" she said.

  He thumped the ground with an elephantine toe. The ground shuddered. "Who are you?"

  "I am Gwendolyn Goblin, soon to be chief of Goblin Mountain. Now get out of the way before I move you out."

  "Ho, ho, ho. It is to laugh. You can't move me out, you skirted goblette. You must pay."

  Gwenny brought out her magic wand. She aimed it at Hugh Mongous. One of his forefeet lifted. "Uh-oh," she said.

  The monoceros laughed again. "Ho, ho, ho. Is that the best you can do, you cute morsel?"

  "What's the matter?" Che asked.

  "The wand's weakening," she said. "I've used it a lot today; on the roc and such, and after a while it loses power and has to recharge overnight. The monster is now too heavy for it."

  Che looked at the sun, which was hastening to end the day. They could not afford to be delayed long. "Is there another path we can take?"

  "Yes, but it will take too long. This is the only direct one from here."

  "So you're stuck, goblette," Hugh
Mongous said. "Pay."

  "This is outrageous!" Gwenny said, stamping her little foot. "We have to get through immediately!"

  "We shall just have to make a deal," Che said, disgusted. He faced the monoceros. "What is your demand?"

  "I demand that you pay me something for using my path. Something interesting and different. Such as maybe that magic wand."

  "Never!" Gwenny said.

  Okra Ogress came forward. "Maybe I can help," she gasped.

  "No, you can't!" Gwenny protested. "You're not well!"

  "Let me try. I've been trying to think, because that heats my head and sometimes helps clear my throat, and I may have found an idea."

  Ida clapped her hands, maiden style. "Wonderful, Okra! I knew you could do it."

  Che kept silent. That foolish optimism could become wearing, in time.

  Okra faced Hugh Mongous. "I have something that you might consider to be interesting and different," she wheezed. "Do you want it?"

  "What is it?" the monoceros asked.

  "My asthma. It makes me wheeze."

  Che had to clap a hand to his jaw to prevent it from dropping. Could the ogress be serious?

  "What a wonderful idea!" Ida exclaimed brightly. There it was again; she was thrilled about anything at all.

  "It does?" the monster asked, somewhat stupidly. "How loud can you wheeze?"

  Okra took a labored breath, then forced it out. "WHEE-EE-EEZ!"

  The creature would never fall for this! Meanwhile, they were wasting precious time. Che was disgusted.

  "I'll take it!" Hugh Mongous said.

  This time Che did not manage to catch his jaw in time. That creature was even more stupid than an ogre!

  Then Okra straightened up, extending a hand. "Here it is," she said, no longer wheezing. She set an invisible something on the monster's nose.

  "Wonderful!" the monoceros wheezed. Satisfied, it moved out of the path and let them pass. They could hear it happily wheezing as they left it behind.

  "As a stupid person, you are a complete failure," Che murmured to the ogress.

  "I know," Okra said sadly.

  They moved rapidly to the mountain. The goblins stared at the three additional folk, but did not attack them because they were with Gwenny. All three were twice the height of any goblin, but Gwenny chose a tunnel that was large enough to accommodate them.

  They trouped to the central chamber. There were Gobble and his henchmen. The brat was holding a soiled harpy feather. He had found the old wives' tail, and figured he had won. He was just waiting for the day to end without Gwenny's reappearance. It was a joy to see his crestfallen look as they entered the chamber.

  Godiva entered. Her expression was the opposite of the brat's. "You have returned, my daughter!" she exclaimed, hurrying across to embrace Gwenny.

  Behind her were the three male goblins who had served her loyally for years, Moron, Idiot, and Imbecile. Che had gotten to know them, and they really weren't bad sorts, for goblins. When the children had wanted to sneak in tsoda popka to substitute for ugh healthy drinks, these three had always been willing accomplices. Godiva had been aware of this, but elected not to make an issue, because she was unusually liberal, for an adult: she thought children should be allowed to have a little bit of fun, if it wasn't overdone. So while Godiva was hugging her daughter, the three halfway decent goblins came across to congratulate Che and Jenny, and to meet their new companions.

  "These are Moron, Idiot, and Imbecile," Che said. "Those are their names, and there's nothing odd about them." That was so the women wouldn't laugh. Then, to the goblins: "And these are Mela Merwoman, Ida Human, and Okra Ogress, who are here temporarily until their roc-ket seed is ready to move again. See that no one messes with it."

  "Right," Moron said, hurrying out. The other two remained, looking at Mela.

  Che realized what was happening. "Mela," he murmured, "straighten out your slip."

  The merwoman quickly adjusted the Freudian slip, which still conspired to give stray males flashing glimpses of her panty. Che would have to speak to Godiva, who was an excellent seamstress, to see about making Mela a regular dress. After all, suppose underage goblins saw? It wasn't as if it was a dull panty; its pattern was a most intriguing crisscross of colors that would surely madden the mind of an adult male.

  "But where's what's between a roc and a hard place?" Gobble demanded, recovering some impudence.

  "Right here," Gwenny said, gesturing to Okra, who still carried the roc's talon.

  "But that's just an old claw! It's supposed to be the fancy egg."

  "It was in the stone nest, under Roxanne Roc," Gwenny said evenly. "It was between the roc and a hard place. It qualifies."

  "But that wasn't what I meant!" he protested. "I meant the egg!"

  Gwenny stared at him. "How could you mean the egg, if you didn't write it? And if you wrote it, you cheated, because you weren't supposed to know what the challenges were."

  Gobble was silent, realizing that he could only get himself into trouble. "So okay, you got it. But you're not home free, sis. Tomorrow's the physical combat."

  "Physical combat!" Che exclaimed, appalled. "Girls don't do that!"

  "Yeah. So she loses," Gobble said with satisfaction. He glanced darkly at the three male goblins with Gwenny's party. "And after that I'll deal with you traitors." Then he slunk out of the chamber.

  "I knew there were three challenges, like the ones for getting into the Good Magician's castle," Gwenny said. "I know the first consisted of merely being qualified to assume the chiefship, which narrows it down to Gobble and me. The second was performance, which we have just finished. The third is physical, but I thought that just meant building something or showing I could hold a club. Combat—I fear that is beyond me."

  "But he's just a little brat," Okra Ogress said. "You could club him with one fist."

  "No, I couldn't," Gwenny said. "I'm a refined goblin girl, and we are never violent in that way. It simply is not our nature. If we could fight, we would not be nice, and there would be no point in having a female chief to make the goblins nice."

  Che saw the logic. "But Gobble cannot be trusted," he said. "We must check the original document. Where is it written how the chiefship is won?"

  Gwenny took them to a small separate chamber. There in a chest to which she had the key was an old dirty scroll. She brought it out, and they read it.

  It was indeed the list of rules for the succession. "Ha!" Che said as he read it. "There is a combat, but it's a combat by selected champions."

  "Gobble and me," Gwenny agreed glumly.

  "No. By champions you select. So you don't have to fight yourself. You merely choose a tough goblin to fight for you, and if he wins, so do you. Gobble won't fight himself either; he'll have someone bigger and meaner."

  "But no male goblin will fight for me!" Gwenny said. "They don't want me to be chief."

  Che pondered. "That does present a problem," he said, stumped for a solution.

  "But I'm sure you can solve it," Ida Human said brightly. "Because centaurs can solve almost anything."

  Then, oddly, Che did get a notion. "But maybe a female could fight for you," he said. "Goblin girls are all nice, but that's not necessarily the case for the females of other species."

  "I'll fight for you!" Jenny Elf said.

  "No, Jenny, no!" Gwenny said. "You would be no better than I, because you're not mean or tough."

  "She's right," Che said. "I meant a female from somewhere else, tough enough to do the job."

  "But who would that be?" Gwenny asked. "The females of other species really don't care much about goblin politics. In fact they don't care much about goblins, period."

  "I don't know," Che admitted. "But I know how to find her."

  "Well, tell us!" Jenny said. "Because there's less than a day to get her here."

  "I can't say it directly, until certain arrangements are made," Che said. "Because a certain party has been known to take off without warning,
seeking what has been mentioned."

  "Oh," Jenny said, glancing at her little cat. "Sammy, come here." The cat did, and she picked him up and held him firmly. "But with a—a certain device I can see where he is going, and—"

  "Suppose the one we want is far away?" Che asked. "You could not keep up. But I think I might." He looked at the goblin girl. "Gwenny, do you have any light cord? Something that might tie a very light person to another, so that he might be hauled along at whatever velocity is necessary?"

  Gwenny nodded. She hurried away. "Imbecile, help me fetch the cord," she said, and that goblin immediately followed her.

  "But suppose he goes through some small hole?" Jenny asked.

  "We can frame the search to exclude that sort of thing."

  "What are you folk talking about?" Mela asked.

  "Jenny's cat can find anything except home," Che explained. "So if we ask Sammy to find something, and I follow him, we'll find it. I will be away for a while on that search, but Gwenny will see that you three extra visitors have a room and food for the night. Perhaps tomorrow your roc-ket will be recharged, and you can be on your way. We do appreciate the way you have helped us, and regret that it has diverted you from your quests."

  "That's very nice of you," Ida said. "But it seems that our quests are linked to yours, and that when you have yours fulfilled, then ours will be too. I still don't know my destiny."

  He shrugged. "Perhaps. Maybe you are a lost princess, and your kingdom will find you after this is over."

  "Or maybe she's someone's twin sister," Mela said. "And her twin will find her, and they'll live happily ever after."

  "Or maybe she'll turn out to have a Sorceress-caliber magic talent," Okra suggested. "Just waiting to be discovered."

  "Oh, if only any of it could be true!" Ida said, clasping her hands with longing. "But first we must help Gwenny, if we can. And I'm sure you can do it, Che, because you are so smart and talented."

  Che tried to resist the obvious flattery, but it did buoy his confidence. Maybe this desperate ploy wasn't as farfetched as he feared.