War With the Newts

  Abe realised that he was no longer gazing in ecstasy at the mother-of-pearl-coloured sea but that he was very, very angry as he let the sand with its little shells run through his fingers. Papa Loeb had said, Go and see something’of the world. Have we already seen something of the world? Abe tried to remember just what he had seen but he couldn’t recall anything except Judy and Sweetiepie Li showing their legs and Fred, broad-shouldered Fred, kneeling in front of them, sitting back on his heels. Abe frowned even more. What was the name of this coral island? Taraiva, the captain had said. Taraiva or Tahuara or Taraihatuara-ta-huara. How about turning back home and me telling the old man, Dad, we went as far as Taraihatuara-ta-huara. (If only I hadn’t summoned that captain, Abe thought irritably.) (Got to have a talk with Li, tell her not to do such things. God, how come I’m so terribly in love with her? When she wakes up I’ll have a talk with her. Tell her we might get married - ) Abe’s eyes were full of tears; God, is that love or pain, or is this boundless pain part of my loving her?

  Sweetiepie Li’s shiny blue-shadowed eyelids, which looked like delicate shells, trembled. ‘Abe,’ a sleepy voice said, ‘do you know what I’m thinking? That on this island here we could make a fan-tas-tic film.’

  Abe piled some fine sand on his unfortunate hairy legs. ‘Great idea, Sweetiepie. What sort of film?’

  Sweetiepie Li opened her immensely blue eyes. ‘Something like this: Imagine me being on this island like Robinson Crusoe. A girl Crusoe. Isn’t that a terrific new idea?’

  ‘Sure,’ Abe said uncertainly. ‘And how would you get to this island?’

  ‘Easy,’ said the sweet little voice. ‘You know, our yacht quite simply got shipwrecked in a storm, and you’d all be drowned - you, Judy, the captain, the lot.’

  ‘And Fred too? Remember Fred’s a great swimmer.’

  The smooth forehead was furrowed. ‘So Fred would have to be eaten by a shark. That would be a marvellous episode,’ Sweetiepie clapped her hands. ‘Because Fred’s got a divinely beautiful body, don’t you think?’

  Abe sighed. ‘And what next?’

  ‘I’d be cast up on the beach by a wave, unconscious. I’d be wearing those pyjamas with the blue stripes you liked so much the day before yesterday.’ From between the delicate eyelids there escaped a half-closed glance suitably illustrating feminine seductiveness. ‘Actually it would have to be in colour, Abe. Everybody says that blue goes awfully well with my hair.’

  ‘And who would find you here?’ Abe asked in a matter-of-fact way.

  Sweetiepie reflected. ‘Nobody. I wouldn’t be a girl Crusoe if there were other people about,’ she said with surprising logic. ‘That’s why it would be such a terrific part, Abe - I’d be on my own the whole time. Just imagine it - Lily Valley in the leading and altogether only part.’

  ‘And what would you be doing all through the film?’

  Li raised herself on an elbow. ‘I got all that figured out. I’d bathe and I’d sing perched on a rock.’

  ‘In your pyjamas?’

  ‘Without,’ said Sweetiepie. ‘Don’t you think that would be a terrific success?’

  ‘Surely you can’t play the whole film in the nude,’ Abe grumbled with a strong sense of disapproval.

  ‘Why not?’ Sweetiepie was innocently astonished. ‘What’s wrong with that?’

  Abe said something unintelligible.

  ‘And then,’ Li reflected, ‘- wait a minute, I’ve got it. Then a gorilla would carry me off. You know, such a terribly hairy black gorilla.’

  Abe blushed and tried to hide his unfortunate legs even deeper in the sand. ‘But there are no gorillas here,’ he objected without much conviction.

  ‘Sure there are. There are altogether all kinds of animals around. You got to look at it artistically, Abe. A gorilla would go tremendously well with my complexion. Have you noticed what a lot of hair Judy’s got on her legs?’

  ‘No,’ said Abe, unhappy about the subject.

  ‘Horrid legs,’ Sweetiepie opined, gazing at her own calves. ‘And just as that gorilla was carrying me off in its arms a marvellously handsome young savage would come out of the jungle and shoot it down.’

  ‘What would he be wearing?’

  ‘He’d carry a bow,’ Sweetiepie decided without a moment’s hesitation. ‘And a garland on his head. That savage would seize me and take me to the camp of the cannibals.’

  ‘There aren’t any here,’ objected Abe, trying to defend the little island of Tahuara.

  ‘Sure there are. Those cannibals would want to sacrifice me to their idols and they’d be singing Hawaiian songs meanwhile. You know, like those negroes at the Paradise restaurant. But that young cannibal would fall in love with me,’ Sweetiepie breathed, her eyes wide with amazement, ‘… and then some other savage would also fall in love with me, say the chief of those cannibals … and then a white man too - ’

  ‘Where would the white man spring from?’ Abe asked, just to make sure.

  ‘He’d be their prisoner. He could be a famous tenor who’d fallen into the cannibals’ hands. That’s so he could sing a lot in the film.’

  ‘And what would he be wearing?’

  Sweetiepie looked at her toes. ‘He would be … without anything, like those cannibals.’

  Abe shook his head. ‘Sweetiepie, that’s impossible. All famous tenors are frightfully fat.’

  ‘That’s a real shame,’ Sweetiepie regretted. ‘In that case Fred might act the part and the tenor would just do the singing. You know how they do those synchronisations in the film business.’

  ‘But surely Fred was eaten by a shark!’

  Sweetiepie was irritated. ‘You mustn’t be so terribly realistic, Abe. It’s quite impossible to talk to you about art. And that chieftain would wind strings of pearls all round me - ’

  ‘Where’d he get them from?’

  ‘There are masses of pearls around,’ Li declared. ‘And Fred, from jealousy, would have a boxing match with him on a cliff above the crashing waves of the sea - ‘Sweetiepie suddenly brightened up. ‘Now we could have that sequence with the shark. Think how furious Judy’d be if Fred was in a film with me! And I’d marry that handsome savage.’ Golden-haired Li jumped up. ‘We’d stand right here on the beach … against the sunset … quite naked … and the camera would slowly fade out - ‘Li dropped her bath-robe. ‘I’m going in.’

  ‘… not got your swimsuit on,’ Abe reminded her, aghast, turning towards the yacht to make sure no one was looking; but Sweetiepie was already tripping over the sand towards the lagoon.

  … actually looks better dressed, a brutally cold and critical voice suddenly spoke up inside the young man. Abe felt shattered by his lack of lover’s adoration, he almost felt guilty; but … well, when Li’s got her pretty clothes and shoes on it’s … well, somehow nicer.

  Perhaps you mean: more decent, Abe defended himself against that cold voice.

  Well, that too. And also prettier. Why does she waddle so strangely? Why is that flesh on her legs wobbling so? Why this and why that …

  Stop it, Abe defended himself in alarm. Li is the most beautiful girl ever! I’m terribly fond of her …

  … even without her clothes on? the cold critical voice inquired.

  Abe averted his eyes and gazed at the yacht on the lagoon. How beautiful she is, how trim and sleek all over! Pity Fred isn’t here. You can talk to Fred about the beauty of the yacht.

  Sweetiepie, meanwhile, was standing up to her knees in the water, raising her arms towards the setting sun and singing. Why the hell isn’t she getting her swim over, Abe thought irritably. But it had been nice, having her lying there, all curled up and swaddled in her robe, with her eyes closed. Sweetiepie Li. And with a tender sigh Abe kissed the sleeve of her robe. Yes, he was terribly fond of her. So fond that it hurt.

  Suddenly a piercing scream came from the lagoon. Abe raised himself on one knee to get a better view. Sweetiepie Li was squealing, waving her arms about and wading hurriedly towards the beach, stumbling
and splashing all over the place … Abe leapt to his feet and ran over to her. ‘What’s up, Li?’

  (Just look how strangely she is running, the cold critical voice nudged him. Flinging her legs about too much. Flapping her hands around too much. In short, it is not pretty. Moreover, she is cackling, yes, cackling.)

  ‘What’s happened, Li?’ Abe called out, running to her aid.

  ‘Abe, Abe,’ Sweetiepie sobbed, and - flop - she was already hanging on him, all wet and cold. ‘Abe, there was some kind of animal there!’

  ‘That was nothing,’ Abe soothed her. ‘Probably some kind offish.’

  ‘But it had such a frightful head,’ Sweetiepie squealed, burying her wet nose in Abe’s chest.

  Abe tried to pat her paternally on the shoulder, but on her wet body this turned into a rather noisy smack. ‘Now, now,’ he murmured; ‘look, there’s nothing there now.’

  Li turned back towards the lagoon. ‘It was horrid,’ she breathed, and suddenly started squealing: ‘There … there … see it?’

  A dark head was slowly approaching the shore, its mouth opening and closing. Sweetiepie Li screeched hysterically and started desperately to run away from the water’s edge.

  Abe was in a quandary. Should he run after Li to stop her being frightened? Or should he stay put to show that he wasn’t afraid of the beast? Naturally he decided on the second course; he moved closer, until he stood ankle-deep in the water, and with fists clenched looked the animal in the eyes. The black head halted, rocked strangely and said: ‘Ts, ts, ts.’

  Abe was feeling a little uneasy but he tried not to show it. ‘What is it?’ he said sharply in the direction of the head.

  ‘Ts, ts, ts,’ went the head.

  ‘Abe, Abe, Aaa-be,’ yelled Sweetiepie Li.

  ‘Coming,’ shouted Abe and slowly (to preserve his dignity) strode over to his girl. He stopped once and severely turned towards the sea.

  On the beach, where the sea draws its perpetual and impermanent lace on the sand, some kind of dark animal with a round head was standing on its hindlegs, twisting its body. Abe stopped, his heart pounding.

  ‘Ts, ts, ts,’ went the animal.

  ‘Aaa-be,’ Sweetiepie squealed, almost in a swoon.

  Abe backed away step by step, not letting the animal out of his sight; the creature did not move but merely turned its head towards him.

  At last Abe had reached his Sweetiepie, who was lying face down and sobbing with terror. ‘It’s … some kind of seal,’ Abe said uncertainly. ‘Maybe we’d better get back to the boat, Li.’ But Li was only shaking.

  ‘It isn’t anything dangerous at all,’ Abe insisted. He would have liked to kneel down by Li but he had to stand chivalrously between her and the animal. If only I wasn’t in my trunks, he was thinking, if only I had even a pocket-knife, or if I could find a stick …

  Dusk was beginning to fall. The animal once more approached to within some thirty paces, and then stopped. Behind it five, six, eight identical animals rose from the sea and hesitantly, with a swaying motion, waddled to the spot where Abe was guarding Sweetiepie Li.

  ‘Don’t look, Li,’ Abe breathed, but that was superfluous since nothing in the world would have made Li turn her head.

  More shadows were emerging from the sea and advancing in a wide semicircle. There must be some sixty by now, Abe counted. That light thing over there was Sweetiepie Li’s bathrobe. The robe she had been sleeping in a little while ago. The animals had by now advanced to that light thing spread on the sand.

  At this point Abe did something obvious and nonsensical, just like that knight in Schiller’s poem who walked into the lion’s cage to retrieve his lady’s glove. What of it; there are obvious and nonsensical things men will do as long as the world revolves. Without stopping to think, his head held high and his fists clenched, Abe walked amidst those animals to get Sweetiepie Li’s bath-robe.

  The animals retreated a little but did not run away. Abe picked up the robe, flung it over his arm like a bullfighter, and stopped.

  ‘Aaa-be,’ came a desperate whine from behind him.

  Abe was conscious of boundless strength and courage within him. ‘Well, then?’ he addressed the animals, taking another step forward. ‘What is it you want?’

  ‘Ts, ts,’ one animal smacked, but then, in a somewhat croaking and elderly voice, it barked: ‘Nyfe!’

  ‘Nyfe!’ came a bark from nearby. ‘Nyfe!’ ‘Nyfe!’

  ‘Aaa-be!’

  ‘Don’t be afraid, Li!,’ Abe called out.

  ‘Li,’ came a bark in front of him. ‘Li.’ ‘Li.’ ‘Aaa-be!’

  Abe thought he was dreaming. ‘What is it?’

  ‘Nyfe!’

  ‘Aaa-be,’ Sweetiepie Li moaned. ‘Come back!’

  ‘In a minute. You mean a knife? I haven’t got a knife. I’m not going to hurt you. What else do you want?’

  ‘Ts-ts,’ an animal hissed and swayed closer to him.

  Abe stood with his legs apart, the robe over his arm, but he did not retreat. ‘Ts-ts,’ he said. ‘What do you want?’ It looked to him as if the animal was offering him its front paw, but this did not appeal to Abe. ‘What?’ he said rather sharply.

  ‘Nyfe,’ the animal barked and from its paw dropped some whitish things, like drops of water. But they were not drops of water because they rolled in the sand.

  ‘Abe,’ stammered Li. ‘Don’t leave me here alone!’

  By now Mr Abe felt no fear at all. ‘Clear off,’ he said and waved the robe at the animal. The animal retreated hastily and awkwardly. Abe could now have moved away without loss of face, but he wanted Li to see how brave he was. He bent down to the whitish things the animal had dropped from its paw, to get a closer look. They were three hard, smooth little globules with a matt sheen. Mr Abe lifted them to his eyes because it was getting dark.

  ‘Aaa-be,’ howled his deserted Sweetiepie. ‘Abe!’

  ‘Coming,’ called Mr Abe. ‘Li, I’ve got something for you! Li, Li, I’m bringing it over!’ Swirling the bath-robe over his head Mr Abe Loeb raced across the beach like a young god.

  Li was cowering in a heap, shaking all over. ‘Abe,’ she sobbed, her teeth chattering. ‘How could you … how could you …’

  Abe knelt down ceremoniously in front of her. ‘Lily Valley, the gods of the sea, the Tritons, have come to pay tribute to you. I am to tell you that, since Venus emerged from the foam, no artist has made a deeper impression on them than you. As a token of their admiration they are offering you - ‘here Abe extended his hand - ‘these three pearls. Look.’

  ‘Stop fooling, Abe,’ Sweetiepie Li whimpered.

  ‘Seriously, Li. Why don’t you look: these are real pearls!’

  ‘Let’s see,’ Li grunted and with trembling fingers reached out for the whitish beads. ‘Abe,’ she gasped, ‘but these are pearlsl Did you find them in the sand?’

  ‘But Li, Sweetiepie, pearls aren’t found in the sand!’

  ‘Sure they are,’ Sweetiepie insisted. ‘And they’re panned. See, I told you there were masses of pearls around!’

  ‘Pearls grow in a kind of shell under the water,’ Abe declared with something approaching assurance. ‘Cross my heart, Li, these were brought for you by those Tritons. You see, they saw you bathing. They’d have given them to you in person if you hadn’t been so scared - ’

  ‘But they’re so ugly,’ Li blurted out. ‘Abe, these are marvellous pearls! I’m awfully fond of pearls!’

  (Now she is pretty, said the critical voice. The way she is kneeling there with those pearls in her palm - real pretty, got to admit it.)

  ‘Abe, these were really brought to me by those … those animals?’

  ‘Those aren’t animals, Sweetiepie. Those are gods of the sea. They’re called Tritons.’

  Sweetiepie was not in the least surprised. ‘That’s real nice of them, isn’t it? They’re awfully sweet. What d’you think, Abe, should I thank them in some way?’

  ‘You’re no longer afraid of them?’ br />
  Sweetiepie shivered. ‘Yes, I am. Please, Abe, take me away!’

  ‘Look,’ Abe said. ‘We’ve got to get to our boat. Come along then, and don’t be scared.’

  ‘But … but they’re standing in our way,’ Li stammered. ‘Wouldn’t you rather go to them alone? But you mustn’t leave me here on my own!’

  ‘I’ll carry you across in my arms,’ Abe proposed heroically.