Never Knowing

  “Pipers Lagoon.” I held my breath. Please, please, say yes.

  The police initially chose Bowen Park, but there was an outdoor arts festival. Pipers Lagoon Park was remote enough that there wouldn’t be any crowds, just people out for walks, especially on a weekday. A narrow gravel dike led from the parking lot out to the twenty-acre park with its rock bluffs, arbutus trees, and Garry oaks. The dike was bordered by ocean on each side and lined with park benches, so I’d be able to sit in the open and the police could keep an eye on me from several vantage points. But the best part was that there was only one road in, so they could block John’s escape.

  On the phone he said, “Sure, let’s meet there at twelve-thirty.”

  I tried to match his enthusiastic tone. “Perfect!” But my stomach climbed into my throat. In three days I was going to be bait for a killer.

  Billy called right away to let me know John was still near the Alberta border and that we’d go over everything in the morning. Once I told Evan it was set up he said he was coming home Sunday night. I don’t think Billy really wanted him to ride with them, but I told them I wouldn’t do it if they didn’t allow it. Sandy said as long as Evan understood he wasn’t to interfere, he could sit in the command vehicle.

  John called the next morning, Saturday. He was in high spirits, saying how much he was looking forward to meeting me, then asked what I was doing that day. I said I was taking Ally for a walk later.

  He said, “It’s nice you spend so much time with her.”

  “Life gets in the way sometimes, but I try.”

  He was quiet for a moment, so I took advantage of his good mood.

  “Did your parents spend time with you?”

  “My father worked a lot, but my mom did, until she left.”

  “Where’d she go?”

  “Don’t know. She left when I was nine. She missed her people, so I think she went back to the reserve.” That was interesting. I wondered if his mother leaving was what started everything.

  “That had to be really hard—you must have missed her a lot. Did you ever try to find her?”

  “A few times, but no luck.”

  “That’s so sad, John.”

  “It was tough. But she waited until she knew I was old enough to take care of myself, then one night she was gone.”

  “Why didn’t she take you with her?”

  “I think she knew if she did, he’d hunt her down.”

  “God, I can’t imagine leaving Ally.”

  “My dad was a hard man.”

  “Did she leave you a note or anything?”

  “She left a spirit doll to protect me.” The dolls!

  “Like the dolls you gave me?”

  “Similar. They’re for protection.” He made dolls from women he killed so he’d have protection? Too bad the women didn’t have protection against him.

  “What are they protecting you from?”

  “The demons.”

  Was he into witchcraft? Was that what this was all about?

  “Are these First Nations demons?”

  His voice wasn’t angry, more bored, when he said, “I’ll tell you another day.”

  “Can I ask about your dad? You mentioned before that he was strict.”

  “He was a violent drunk. He knocked out my front teeth for telling a joke.”

  “No sense of humor, huh?”

  John laughed. “You could say that. But he taught me everything I know about guns. When you’re in the woods, though, you can’t just rely on firepower—that’s one thing he never understood. But my mother did. If it wasn’t for her teachings he’d have killed me the first summer.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “When I turned nine he started taking me up into the woods and leaving me there.”

  “Like for an afternoon?”

  “Until I found my way home.” He laughed again.

  “That’s horrible.” My shock was genuine. “You must have been terrified.”

  “Being out there was better than being at home with him.” He laughed for the third time and I knew he must be uncomfortable. “I used to stay out for weeks on end. He’d beat me because it took me so long to find my way back, but I could’ve come home sooner. Sometimes I’d be living right on the outskirts of the ranch and he didn’t know. I’d line up his head in my gun’s sights, and pow.”

  “What stopped you?”

  “How’s Ally today?”

  Not surprised by the abrupt subject change, I said, “She’s great.”

  “Little girls all seem to like Barbie dolls, so I was going to—”

  “Ally doesn’t like Barbies.” Last thing I wanted was for him to send another doll. “She’s more into bugs and science stuff.” Ally would own every Barbie in the world if she could, and if I ever gave her a science kit she’d probably burn down the house.

  He said, “Better get going. I have some packing to do.” He paused, then said, “I’m really looking forward to this.”

  “It’s going to be awesome.”

  “I’ll call you soon.” I was about to hang up when he said, “Wait, I got a joke for you. You’ll like this one.”

  “Sure.”

  “One man says to another man, ‘Did you ever hunt bear?’ and the other man says, ‘No, but I went fishing in my shorts.’” He laughed loudly.

  I said, “That’s a good one,” and forced a laugh.

  “Tell Ally.” His voice was excited. “She’ll love it.”

  You have no idea what my daughter would love.

  “Sure, she’ll crack up.”

  * * *

  Sandy called as soon as I hung up and her excitement radiated through the phone so strongly I wanted to hold the receiver away from my ear. They thought he was traveling west along the border—toward Vancouver. Even though he’d talked longer, the signal connected with a tower in Washington State and threw them off his trail. They wanted to meet me at Pipers Lagoon so we could walk the area and make sure we were all on the same page. I dropped Ally off at a friend’s and headed over to the park.

  Dressed in blue jeans and with her perpetual windblown appearance, Sandy looked like she was in her element. Billy was wearing a baseball cap pulled low, a windbreaker, and dark denim jeans with hiking boots, which gave him a rugged look that wasn’t wasted on a couple of women who checked him out as they walked by. He and Sandy scoured the area for the best vantage points. We decided which bench I should sit at and they pointed out a few locations where they’d have undercover officers.

  Sandy wanted Billy stationed in the parking lot, but he said, “I worked out a plan last night. I think we need to take him down before he gets to the parking lot. ‘On enclosed terrain, if we occupy it first, we must block it, and wait for the enemy.’ We can put a car at the base of the hill and one at the top where—”

  “I don’t have time for one of your quotes,” Sandy said. “I want him in the parking lot when we arrest him. I’m not losing him into one of the driveways bordering the road.”

  “Understood, but I just think—”

  “I don’t like it.” She walked away with her cell to her ear.

  I’d have told her off, but Billy just stared after her for a moment. If it wasn’t for the red wave crawling up his neck, I wouldn’t have known he was even pissed.

  I said, “See, her attitude sucks.”

  He smiled. “Come on. Let’s walk the route again.”

  * * *

  The rest of the weekend I never heard from John once, which was terrifying because I had no idea how close he was. If he kept driving after his last call he could already be on the island. And if that wasn’t stressful enough, we don’t know how he might come over—there are two ferry terminals in Vancouver, but he could also take the ferry from Washington to Victoria, then drive up the island to Nanaimo. I was driving myself crazy imagining every possible scenario, wondering where he was every minute. Thank God Evan came home on Sunday. I’d cleaned the house from top to bottom that morning, then
made him chicken cordon bleu in an effort to keep myself sane, or at least busy. But neither of us could eat much. After dinner Evan called Billy and asked how the meeting was going to go down. His tone was polite as they talked, but his expression told me he wasn’t happy about the conversation.

  Later we snuggled on the couch. Evan was quiet while I babbled about Moose’s new organic food, my suspicion that one of our neighbors is growing pot, what to do with Ally this summer—everything and anything to stop myself from thinking about what was going to happen the next day. When I finally paused for breath he pulled me in tight against him.

  “Sara.”

  “Hmm?”

  “You know how much I love you, right?”

  I turned to him. “You think something’s going to happen to me tomorrow!”

  He didn’t meet my eyes. “I didn’t say that.”

  “But that’s what you’re thinking.”

  This time he looked at me, his face serious. “You sure you don’t want to call this thing off?”

  “Nope, tomorrow they’re going to arrest John and he’ll be out of our lives once and for all.” I tried for a big smile, tried to believe what I was saying.

  “This isn’t funny, Sara.”

  My smile faded. “I know.”

  * * *

  That night in bed we held each other close as we went over everything again. Finally we fell asleep, but I dreamed I was being hauled away to prison. Ally cried through the glass and Evan came and visited me with Melanie—his new wife. I woke up at five-fifteen a.m., glanced at the clock, then stared at Evan’s sleeping form, thinking for the hundredth time, Am I doing the right thing?

  * * *

  The next morning Evan made pancakes. We were joking around with Ally while Moose grunted and snorted his way through his own plateful, but Evan and I kept meeting eyes over our coffees, and I checked my cell phone over and over. Was John already on the island? Was he close? Did he know my address? What if he showed up here? I checked the alarm and caught Evan rechecking it.

  After we dropped Ally off at school, where a patrol car would be parked outside all day, we headed to the police station. Evan waited while they fitted me with a wire device. I was to drive down to the park, walk to the bench, sit, and wait. Evan was to go with the police in the main vehicle so John wouldn’t see us together. If for some reason he did get close, I was to make sure I didn’t go near any car, mine or his, and to keep lots of space between our bodies. All these commands were couched as cautions and followed by “if you still want to go through with this.” The message was clear: if the shit hit the fan and I got hurt, the police wanted it known I was doing this of my own free will.

  Once I got to Pipers Lagoon, Sandy would park down the road in the command unit with Evan. Billy would be one of the undercover agents acting as workmen installing new signs in the parking lot. Other police officers would be scattered around as dog walkers and birders. One female officer was going to push an empty stroller with a strategically placed blanket and another was stationed on the hill above my bench, sketching the ocean. I was relieved they were bringing in so many members—they weren’t taking any chances. But I was.

  * * *

  About half an hour before I was supposed to meet John I left the station. On the way there the sun broke through the clouds, bouncing off cars and shining into my eyes. My head started to pound and I realized I hadn’t taken my pill that morning. I reached into my purse and hunted for an ibuprofen, but the bottle was empty. Perfect.

  The closer I got to Pipers Lagoon, the more my heart climbed into my throat. Why had I ever agreed to this? My mind was filled with images of all the things that could go wrong: John grabs a hostage. John grabs me. Evan jumps out to help and gets shot. The urge to call everything off was huge.

  I parked and looked around at the other vehicles. No trucks. What if he’d rented a car? I didn’t see any license plates for a rental company. I wiped my sweaty palms on my legs. Okay. All I have to do is get out and walk to the bench.

  I took a deep breath, climbed out of the Cherokee, and started along the graveled path, holding my coat tight as the wind off the ocean grabbed at it. For a moment I panicked when a young couple hovered near the bench I was supposed to sit at. Thankfully, they moved on.

  As I waited, my head started to pound harder and my eyes began to water. My migraine was coming in fast. I glanced at my watch, then looked around the parking lot again.

  Twelve-thirty arrived, but no sign of John. I watched every vehicle that pulled in. The wind whipped my hair around, obscuring my vision. I pushed it back. A man got out of a small car. I held my breath. He stood for a moment and glanced around, then took off his baseball cap. I caught a flash of reddish hair. Oh, God, it was him. He closed his car door and started walking down the path. Where were the police? They were supposed to grab him right away.

  Closer, closer, closer.

  Finally the man was close enough for me to see his face. He was too young. I let out my breath. He gave me an odd look as he passed by. I focused back on the parking lot. Had I missed someone? No new vehicles. I checked my watch. Another five minutes had passed. Where was he?

  My heart was beating so fast I was worried something was wrong, but I put it down to nerves. Even though it was sunny, the wind was cold and my body felt like it had been dipped in ice. I shuffled my legs back and forth and tucked my hands into my armpits.

  Another ten minutes passed. Still nothing. I took the cell phone out of my pocket and dialed the last number John had called me from. No answer. What was going on? Was he even on the island?

  I stood up and looked around. The female policeman on the rocks above me was sketching and gazing out at the ocean. I sat down, feeling my head spin as the migraine clenched at the base of my neck. I looked at my watch again: a half hour after our meeting time. I was still considering what to do when the cell in my pocket rang.

  I picked it up and flipped it open. I didn’t recognize the number.

  “Hello?”

  “Are you there?”

  “John, I was starting to wonder. Is everything okay?”

  “I don’t know, Sara, you tell me.” Dread oozed over me.

  “What’s going on? I’m waiting for you like we agreed.”

  “You seem to have a problem telling the truth.”

  I glanced around. Was he watching me? Was anyone watching me? A shiver slid down my spine.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about, John.”

  “You haven’t been telling me the truth about Ally.” My mind scrambled over everything I’d told him. What could he have possibly found out?

  I said, “I’ve always tried to be as truthful as possible.”

  He chanted, “Ally loves Barbies. Ally’s good at sports. Ally doesn’t like science.”

  I sucked in my breath. “Have you been watching me?”

  “You lied.”

  I was scared, but I was also angry. “Ally is my daughter, John. My job is to protect her. You shouldn’t have been asking those questions.”

  “I can ask whatever questions I want.”

  Get a grip, Sara. Remember who you’re talking to.

  “Let’s both calm down and start over, okay?”

  “It’s too late.”

  “It’s never too late with family—that’s what being a family is about.”

  He was silent.

  My heart was going nuts. I pressed my hand against it.

  Finally John said, “Check the bathroom stall—the last one. I’ve left something for you.”

  “Right now?”

  “I’ll call you back.” He hung up.

  * * *

  I got to my feet and headed down the path toward the outdoor bathroom at the far end of the parking lot. My eyes frantically searched the hills, the beach, decks of the houses overlooking the lagoon. Was he watching me? I glanced back over my shoulder. The policewoman on the hill was packing up her things and talking into a cell phone. Once I reache
d the parking lot I passed by Billy and the other cops. Billy was talking into his phone too, but he gave me a nod. Did that mean I should keep going?

  On my right, I spotted the policewoman with the stroller heading to the bathroom. She almost made it to the entry before me, but an older woman leaving the bathroom started talking to her—gesturing like she was asking for directions. I hesitated at the entrance, but if I waited any longer it was going to look weird. I took a deep breath and went in.

  Thankfully no one was in the bathroom, so I went to the last stall and eased open the door. At first glance there was nothing unusual—it must be in the toilet tank. I wondered if I should wait before checking, but I didn’t know how long I had until John called back. With shaky hands, I lifted the lid off the tank. A Barbie doll floated facedown in the water. I knew I shouldn’t touch it. I flipped it over with my pinky nail.

  The face was melted off.

  I tore out of the bathroom, almost bumping into the policewoman, and raced to the Cherokee. My hands shook as I fit my key in the door lock. Finally I was racing down the road—my cell rang. I caught my breath, but it was just Billy.

  “You okay, Sara?”

  “Ally, she’s at school and—”

  “We have someone watching the school right now.”

  “I want to talk to Evan.”

  “We need to go over some things with you—”

  “Now, Billy.” I hung up.

  Evan called right away. “You okay?”

  “No.” I told him about the Barbie.

  “Jesus. Billy said he was a no-show, but he didn’t—”

  “I don’t feel good.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I have a migraine and my heart’s beating really fast. It’s hard to breathe and my chest feels all tight.”

  “It’s probably just from the anxiety and—”

  I raised my voice. “It’s not a panic attack, Evan. Jesus. I think I know what a panic attack feels like. I forgot my pills.”

  His tone was calm. “Sara, just pull over.” I heard voices in the background

  “I can’t—what if he’s following me?” When Evan didn’t answer right away, I said, “Did Billy say where he’s calling from?”