Never Knowing

  “I’ve actually been working on something for a few years—how The Art of War can be used in police work. ‘Victory belongs to the man who can master the stratagem of the crooked and the straight.’”

  “That’s so cool!”

  He glanced at me. “Yeah?”

  “Totally.” If he was going to use military strategies to get John out of my life, I was all for it. This case needed someone who was willing to go the extra mile. Then I thought about Sandy. How far would she go to catch John?

  * * *

  The rest of the way home Billy told me all about his book. By the time he dropped me off, my anger had cooled and I was feeling horrible about my reaction to Evan on the phone earlier. I was also feeling pretty bad about taking off with Billy. I knew it was nothing, but would Evan?

  My mind filled with panicky images of Evan moving out, of having to sell the house, of canceling the wedding, of Ally sobbing and having weekend visits with Evan, of lonely nights filled with the knowledge that Evan was the best thing that ever happened to me and I lost him. As soon as I walked in the door I e-mailed all our wedding invitations. Then I tried to call Evan, but his cell was off. I didn’t leave a message—I didn’t know what to say.

  * * *

  When Evan called later that night I was working in the shop. My stomach lurched and I took a deep breath before answering. Here we go.

  He said, “Hey, baby. I’m sorry about earlier, I was being a dick. It’s just that this guy is bad news and I don’t think you get how dangerous he is.”

  I let out my breath. We were going to be okay.

  “I do, Evan. Of course I do. And I really hope you didn’t mean what you said about our relationship, because I sent out our invitations.” I laughed.

  Evan was quiet. My chest tightened.

  I said, “Okay, now you’re scaring me.”

  “You scare me, Sara. I want to marry you and make a life with you—I love you—but you’re putting yourself and Ally in danger. I want to protect you, but you don’t listen to me.”

  “Since when do I have to obey everything you say? I’m not a dog.” I laughed, but he didn’t.

  He said, “You know that’s not what I mean. I don’t want you to meet with him again. I don’t know how much clearer I can make it. I didn’t even want you to talk to him in the first place.”

  “I know that, Evan. But I’m trying to tell you I can’t keep living my life in limbo. It’s killing me.”

  “Sara. Just do it. Meet with John. I don’t care anymore. But I have to go to bed. I have a long day tomorrow.”

  “Wait, Evan. I want to talk about this—”

  “No, you don’t. Your mind is made up and you just want me to be okay with it. But it doesn’t matter how many different ways you say it, I’m not okay with it. Talking about it is a waste of energy.”

  “I need to know we’re going to be okay, if I do this.”

  “I don’t know, Sara.”

  I was crying now. “You and Ally are the most important people in the world to me, Evan. I don’t want to lose you, but I’m losing myself. I can’t eat, sleep, anything. I’m a mess. Can’t you see that?”

  “Just make a decision.” He sounded resigned.

  He said good night and I whispered it back through my tears, then pulled on one of his T-shirts and climbed into bed. I couldn’t imagine a life without Evan—didn’t want a life without him. But if I didn’t end this thing with John soon my relationship was going to die regardless because I was spiraling out of control. Either way I was ruined.

  Evan was right, I had to make a decision and I knew what it was going to be. There was only one way out. Then my life could return to normal. I just prayed Evan was still going to be a part of that life.

  * * *

  The next morning John called my cell when I was taking Ally to school. This time I tried something different.

  “Hi, John, I’m just driving Ally, but I’ll call you back as soon as I can.”

  “But I want to talk.” He sounded startled.

  “Great, because I really want to discuss some of the stuff we talked about the other day.”

  “I can’t leave the cell on. But I need—”

  “Okay, just give me a call back in a half hour on my home line.” I hung up.

  I held my breath, expecting him to call right back, but he didn’t. Billy called to tell me John was near Williams Lake again and they had every available officer out on the roads. Exactly a half hour later John called my landline. While he bragged about tracking a black bear through a marsh that morning, I debated whether I should wait for him to mention another meeting or bring it up myself. As he started describing how he gutted the bear, then dragged the two-hundred-and-fifty-pound carcass out of the bushes without breaking a sweat, I interrupted.

  “It’s got to be hard to shoot a bear. I’d be scared I’d miss and he’d come after me.”

  “I never miss.” His voice turned angry. “Every year I come across injured bears out in the woods because of some amateur. If I can’t get a solid shot right behind the ear and straight into the brain, I don’t pull the trigger. Most hunters, they get excited, then they jerk up at the last minute and—”

  “Wow, that’s really interesting. It’s too bad we didn’t get to meet. I would sure like to hear some of these stories in person.”

  “Great minds think alike! I was just going to suggest another meeting—you can bring Ally.”

  “I don’t know.… Maybe it should just be me the first time. She might say something to Evan. But I can bring pictures of her?”

  “Yeah, yeah, bring pictures. That would be great.” I shuddered at the idea of him touching a photo of Ally.

  He said, “So when do you want to meet?”

  “When were you thinking?” My mouth went dry.

  “I need to get away. It’s getting warm out.” His voice was angry again. “People are starting to camp and they throw their trash into the woods and turn their radios up so loud you can’t hear yourself think.”

  “Soon, we can meet soon.”

  “Okay. Tomorrow.”

  * * *

  That’s why I called for an emergency session. I know you don’t normally do evening appointments, so I really appreciate this. Trust me, I wanted to come earlier, but I’ve been at the station all afternoon. Billy said he’d watch Ally—can you believe he’s taking Ally to Boston Pizza and he wouldn’t accept any money? Evan’s supposed to call later tonight and I don’t know how I’m going to tell him or if I even should. I’m just sick about it. But I’m sure after we catch John, Evan will forgive me. Who was it that said it’s better to beg for forgiveness than ask for permission?

  You’re the only person I can tell this, but when I was at the station listening to Billy and Sandy—I’m meeting John at Bowen Park this time, so they wanted to go over a new plan—I had a really weird moment. I think what triggered it was something Billy said about John’s headaches, about John using them as an excuse. I caught myself for a second wanting to defend him—to defend myself. My entire life people have looked at me like I was faking it when I had a migraine. But I know how much they hurt, how the pain almost makes you insane.

  When I was in school one of my friends fought with her mom constantly and when her mom would say, “You’re just like me when I was your age,” my friend would go on and on about how she was nothing like her mom. I didn’t understand it. For one, they were a lot alike, and two, I thought it was a lot worse not being able to see yourself at all in your parents—like me. Definitely not in Mom, who is the sweetest, most patient woman on the planet, and Dad, well, we’d need another hour to cover all the ways we differ.

  That’s one of the reasons I was so disappointed when I met Julia. I still didn’t see myself. It scares me how much I’m like John—his impulsiveness, his short attention span, his temper. Now even with the migraines. But I’m terrified I’m becoming more like him. Every time he says something that reminds me of myself I fantasize about
killing him, taking a knife to the meeting and stabbing him over and over again. But the best part is when he’s lying there, bleeding—when I can see he’s finally dead. It feels good.

  SESSION EIGHTEEN

  I thought about everything you said, and considering what I’m going through I guess I could be doing a lot worse. You get some of the credit. No matter what I tell you, no matter how weird I’m feeling, you make me look at it. And you always help me figure out where it’s coming from. Then I can deal with it, or at least try to make sense of it. Evan accepts all my quirks and craziness—well, that might be up for debate at the moment. But I don’t think he really understands why I do the things I do, or maybe he just doesn’t need to know why.

  Me, I’ve always questioned everything—a trait that drove my dad nuts. Okay, most people in my life. But you were the first person who told me it was okay to have questions, who encouraged them. Actually you were the first person who told me I was okay. Even Lauren sometimes tells me to stop being so … so Sara. But not you.

  You said my obsessions were passions, that my intensity was a powerful gift, that my determination was admirable. That what I considered my weaknesses could also be my greatest strengths. If John is a mirror that reflects back my worst distortions of myself, then you’re a mirror that reflects the good. Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I didn’t have you holding it up.

  * * *

  When I got home from our last session Evan had left a message saying he was exhausted and was turning his cell off and going to bed. I felt bad he didn’t know I was planning to meet John at noon the next day but relieved I didn’t have to tell him. I left a message saying I was sorry I missed his call and wished him a good night. Then I hung up before I blurted out everything.

  After Billy brought Ally home he waited while I put her to bed, then we went over the logistics for the meeting again. The police had counterattacks set up on the main highway from Williams Lake to Vancouver and conservation officers stopping people on the back roads, but for all they knew they’d already let John through. We had to continue with our plan.

  This time Billy was posing as a park landscaper working near the bench where I’d be sitting. I felt a lot better knowing he’d be close. He’s so big and solid, definitely someone you’d want by your side if you were going into a dark alley—or meeting a serial killer. A couple of times I cracked a joke and he always smiled, but then he’d point back to his sketch of the park. His belief that their plan was going to work shored up my belief that I was doing the right thing. All I had to do was sit on a bench for a little while and this whole nightmare would be over.

  After Billy left around ten I collapsed into bed and sank into a dreamless sleep. But the next morning I woke on Evan’s side of the bed and as I cuddled his pillow, breathing in his scent, my confidence began to ebb. What if something happened to me? What if that last conversation I’d had with Evan was our last conversation ever? I had to let him know how much I love him. But when I tried his cell, he didn’t answer. For a moment I was tempted to phone Billy and call the whole thing off. Then I thought about what would happen if I did.

  * * *

  Ally wanted to make me breakfast, pancakes the same way Evan makes them. I let her make a total mess of the kitchen—she looked so cute in her little apron and chef’s hat as she served me—then sat at the table with her instead of rushing around to clean up. As I listened to her morning chatter, smiling at her story about what Moose did to his stuffie, I prayed this wouldn’t be her last memory of me. I tried to remind myself that John had never threatened me, but I couldn’t forget that he was a killer. When we got to Ally’s school I walked her to her classroom, then dropped to my knees in front of her.

  “Ally, you know how much Mommy loves you, right?”

  “Yup.”

  “How much?” I said in a teasing voice.

  “More than Moose loves his bunny!” She giggled and I pulled her in for a hug, squeezing so tight she said, “Mom-meeee!” and I had to let go. She joined a couple of friends and, giving me a little wave over her shoulder, she entered the classroom.

  On my way to the station for a final briefing with Sandy and Billy, I tried to call Lauren, but she didn’t answer. Desperate to talk to someone, I almost called Melanie, then remembered I still hadn’t listened to Kyle’s CD. When I tried Evan’s number again I just got his voice mail. This time I even called the lodge’s direct line to his office, which I don’t like doing because he’s rarely there, and his receptionist, who I don’t like because she has no sense of humor, said he was working on one of the boats.

  After the meeting at the station I was on my way home to kill an hour when I passed a store with bundles of flowers outside. I picked the biggest bunch I could and drove to my parents’ place. When Mom opened the door, her face lit up.

  “Sara, what a lovely surprise. Have you eaten?”

  As I sat there drinking coffee, playing with my cinnamon bun, wondering if I’d live through the day, Mom touched my hand every two minutes.

  “I’m glad you came by, sweetie. It’s been so long since we’ve had a chance to visit.”

  “Sorry, Mom, it’s just been crazy between wedding plans and work.”

  “I’m always here if you need help.” As she smiled I noticed she’d put blush on her cheeks, but the makeup just sat on top of her pale skin. I wanted to brush it off and replace it with a kiss. She did always try to be there for me, despite her illness. But she couldn’t help with this. She couldn’t help with any of my problems growing up—not that I ever asked. I loved my mom for her sweet and gentle soul, but it was those same characteristics that stopped me from sharing anything real. I’d do anything to protect her from pain.

  “I know, Mom. You’re awesome.”

  She smiled again. She was so easy to please. All she wanted was for her children to be happy. The thought of all the lies I’d told her over the last couple of months, was still telling her, made tears prick at the back of my eyes.

  “Dad never wanted to adopt me, did he?” I couldn’t believe I’d asked, and judging by Mom’s flushed cheeks, she couldn’t either.

  She looked around like he was going to walk in right that minute. “Of course, he just…”

  “It’s okay, don’t worry about it.” I already had my answer. Guilt was written all over her face. I always knew why Dad was so distant, but to have it finally confirmed hurt more than I’d expected.

  I switched the talk to Ally until it was time to go meet John. I gave Mom a hug and a kiss at the door, letting myself sink into it for a moment, inhaling her powdery cinnamon scent. Then, with a promise to bring Ally over soon, I got going. As I neared the park I tried to call Evan’s cell one more time. Still no answer, so I left him a message. I didn’t know what to say, so I just told him I love him and, “I’m sorry I’m such a pain in the ass.”

  * * *

  At Bowen Park I found the bench near the outdoor tennis court where I told John I’d wait, then watched every truck and car pulling in. My gaze roamed the park in case he walked in from a different direction, and I held my breath every time I spotted someone, letting it out in a rush when it turned out to be a false alarm. Billy, weeding a garden bed on my right, met my eyes a couple of times, giving me a hang-in-there smile. When I wasn’t watching for John, I was monitoring the whereabouts of the undercover officers.

  Ten minutes passed. To occupy my hands I spun my coffee cup around and around and around. Another ten minutes and still no sign of John. The gallons of coffee I’d drunk had me needing to pee, bad. Images of my bladder exploding filled my head. Thank God I remembered to take my pill this time. I was about to risk speaking into the wire device when my cell rang. It was John.

  “John! Where are you?”

  “Sorry, Sara, but I’m not going to be able to meet today.”

  “You’ve got to be kidding. I’ve been sitting here for almost a half hour.” I forced myself to calm down. “I’m just confused. Yesterday you were real
ly excited about getting together, so why are you—”

  “I changed my mind.” He sounded pissed off.

  You don’t think I wanted to change my mind, you jerk?

  “That’s too bad, John. I’ve been really looking forward to meeting you.”

  “I’m sorry, I wanted to, but it just won’t work out.”

  “Where are you right now?”

  “Vancouver.”

  “You’re almost here. Why don’t you see if you can catch the next ferry?”

  “No, we’ll have to meet in a couple of days.”

  “Unfortunately that’s not going to work for me. Evan’s coming home tomorrow.” Two can play that game.

  “So?”

  “So I’m going to be busy.”

  His voice rose. “I don’t want to meet today. When I woke up, it didn’t feel right.”

  Of course it didn’t feel right, you murdering son of a bitch—the cops were going to arrest your ass. But now this was never going to end. I had to give it one more chance.

  “I don’t mind waiting a little longer so you can think it through—”

  He hung up. Was he pissed off? Should I just leave? I glanced at Billy, but I couldn’t read his expression.

  The phone rang a minute later.

  John said, “It still doesn’t feel right. Let’s try for tomorrow.”

  “I told you—that’s not going to work.”

  “Because of Evan?” His tone made it very clear what he thought of Evan, and I realized my mistake.

  “No, I’ve got a lot of stuff to do, work, Ally, shopping.” I had to get off the phone fast. “I guess we’ll just have to arrange something for another time. Take care, John. Drive safe.” I hung up before he could say anything else. When I walked by Billy I shook my head—subtly, in case John was watching. As I climbed into the Cherokee a text came through on my cell. Billy: Meet us at the station.

  Great. More coffee and more talking. At least they had a bathroom. On the way there, Evan called.