Never Knowing

  “Evan didn’t want you to meet him, but you did it anyway?”

  We stared at each other. Mom said, “She thought she was doing the right thing, Patrick.”

  Dad walked over to the window and looked down at the parking lot. His arms were crossed in front of him, his broad back a wall I’ve never been able to cross.

  The four of us stood in awkward silence, all staring at Dad.

  “I better go talk to the other officers,” Billy said. “If you have any more questions I’ll be in the hall.” No one said anything as he left.

  After a moment Dad said, “Evan was right—you should’ve just stayed out of it.”

  “Dad, I was trying to help.”

  He turned around and looked hard at me. “Let the police handle it from now on, Sara.” As he headed out of the room he said, “I’m going to find the doctor.”

  Mom gave me a consoling smile and touched my hand. “He’s just upset.”

  “I know, Mom, but don’t you think I am too? He has no idea how much pressure I’ve been under. The cops, Julia—they were all pushing me to do this. It’s not like I came up with the idea on my own.”

  “Julia?”

  “My mother.” Mom recoiled like she’d been hit. Crap, crap. Crap. “I mean my birth mother. She wanted me to meet him and—”

  “You’ve seen her again?”

  “I went to her house a couple of times, but I couldn’t mention it to you because we were talking about the case. She’s been terrified for years—it was really important to her that he be caught. And I wanted to help because…”

  “Because she’s your mother.”

  “That’s not it at all, Mom—I just felt bad for her.”

  “Of course you did, sweetie. You’re a caring person.”

  “Yeah, well, that bit me in the butt.”

  “Anyone else would’ve just walked away, Sara. You give yourself to everything you do, and everyone you love.” She smiled, but the look in her eyes broke my heart. She said, “I’d better make sure your father’s being polite to the nurses,” and hurried after Dad.

  I turned to Lauren. “Great, now Mom’s upset.”

  “Don’t worry about that right now. Just focus on Evan.”

  I sighed. “You mean the other person I hurt?”

  “It’s not your fault, Sara.”

  “No, Dad’s right. I screwed up. I told John that Evan was the reason I couldn’t meet him. I should’ve known how much that would piss him off.”

  “You didn’t know he was going to hurt him.”

  “Evan wanted me to stop this a long time ago. I should’ve listened.”

  “I can’t believe you’ve been going through this all on your own.”

  She stepped forward and wrapped her arms around me. I leaned into her shoulder and started to cry.

  * * *

  We waited outside Evan’s room for a couple of hours. Billy stayed near the other cops, where they talked in low voices, and Dad sat in a chair with his arms across his chest, when he wasn’t pacing up and down the hallway. Mom flipped through a magazine but kept looking at Dad, Lauren, and me. Lauren went to the cafeteria and got us all something to eat, but I could only sip a coffee. So she sat beside me, talking about the boys or the house or her garden. The chatter was comforting, but I was barely able to focus on what she was saying as I watched doctors and nurses, worrying every time anyone stopped outside Evan’s room.

  Dad looked at his cell, then got up and walked down the hall. After a few moments he came back.

  “I’ve got to get down to Nanaimo—a chain broke on the skidder.”

  Mom stood up. “Are you going to be okay if we leave you, Sara?”

  “I’m fine, Mom. It will probably just be a lot of sitting around.”

  Lauren said, “I can stay.”

  “No, you’ve got the boys. I’ll be okay.”

  Mom said, “We can come up later.”

  “Thanks, Mom. But they’ll probably be sending Evan to Nanaimo tomorrow. You might as well just wait and visit him there.”

  “Make sure to let us know if anything changes or if you need anything, sweetie.”

  “Of course.”

  I spent another hour waiting with Billy, but now I was the one pacing up and down the hall. A nurse came by and told me Evan had woken up briefly and they’d given him more pain medication. He’d probably be sleeping for the rest of the day, if I wanted to go home and get some of his things.

  Billy was on his phone when I went to find him.

  I said, “Everything all right?”

  “Yeah, just touching base with Sandy.”

  “Is Ally okay?”

  “They’re having a great time.”

  I breathed a small sigh of relief.

  * * *

  We were only ten minutes out of town when my cell rang.

  I looked at Billy. “It’s John! What do I do?”

  “If you don’t think you can remain calm, you shouldn’t—”

  “But if he’s still close by, you might be able to get his location and catch him, right?”

  “It’s the best chance we have, but you need to think about what you say before you—”

  I answered on the next ring.

  “What do you want?”

  “Sara! I’m on the island, what time can we meet?”

  “You actually think I’m going to meet you after you shot Evan?”

  Silence.

  “You screwed up big time, John. Don’t ever call me again. This is over.” I hung up the phone, my whole body shaking.

  Billy clasped my shoulder. “You okay?”

  I nodded as adrenaline pumped through my body. I realized my teeth were chattering.

  “Yeah. God, no, I’m not. I’m sorry I couldn’t talk to him for longer—I lost my temper. But I think—I think I’m having an anxiety attack. My chest … it’s all tight, and…” I sucked at the air.

  “Just take some slow deep breaths, Sara. You need—” His phone rang. “Reynolds here.… Okay, I’ll let her know.”

  “What’s going on?”

  “John’s cell pinged off a Nanaimo tower, so he’s in town.”

  He gunned the Tahoe. Now my body was shaking even harder.

  “God, he must be totally freaking out that I hung up on him.”

  “He’s not going to be happy about it.” Billy’s hands gripped the steering wheel so hard the muscles in his forearms were corded.

  “You think he still wants to meet me? But I told him it was over, and—”

  “This is a man who doesn’t like to be told no.”

  My chest tightened again and my face felt hot.

  “Do you think I should meet with him? If I don’t, will he go after Evan again?”

  “Emotions are high on both sides right now, so it might not be the best time to meet. But if he’s acting impulsively, he’s more likely to make mistakes, and—”

  “I think I’m having another anxiety attack.” I pressed my hand against my rocketing heart.

  Billy looked worried. “Maybe we should go back to the hospital and—”

  “No.” I sucked in a lungful of air. “No, I have to talk to my psychiatrist.”

  “Right now?”

  I nodded rapidly. “I have to or I’m going to lose it, Billy. I need to calm down, but I can’t unless I talk to her and—”

  “Call her.”

  * * *

  I didn’t expect that you’d want me to come in right away. I thought we could just do this over the phone, but I guess I did sound one panic attack away from all-out hysteria. I want to be with Evan, but every other part of my body’s screaming at me to get home as fast as I can to be with Ally. Of course, you’re right, I need to calm down first. Part of protecting her is making sure she doesn’t see her mother go off the deep end.

  Poor Billy—he’s waiting out in the Tahoe. I told him he could go grab a coffee, but he said he was staying to make sure I was all right. Only way I could come here was if I called
home first and talked to Sandy, then Ally, who’s having a great time. When she put Sandy back on the phone she said she’d guard Ally with her life. I believed her. I may not like Sandy, but I’m pretty sure if she saw John she’d shoot him on the spot.

  As for me, I’m spinning in every direction, bouncing all over the place. I just wish I knew what kind of shape John’s in right now, if he’s in a full-on manic state too. But he has to be—why else would he shoot Evan? He must be escalating—and I went and hung up on him. I know what I’m like when I’m losing it, how out-of-control I feel—like right now—but I don’t have a gun. Lord knows what I’d do if I did. Actually, that’s not true. I know exactly what I’d do.

  SESSION TWENTY

  I’m so sorry about what happened. God, I can’t believe you still wanted to see me after what you went through. It doesn’t matter how many times you tell me I shouldn’t blame myself, I can’t help thinking I should’ve sensed something. I was just so upset I wasn’t thinking straight. I’m still not thinking straight. But I don’t feel like I should be bothering you with any of this, so if it’s too much, you have to tell me, and I’ll stop. You might have to tell me a couple of times, because we both know I don’t stop easily. Something else I got from my father.

  * * *

  After our last session Billy took me back home, where Sandy was waiting. Ally was upset about Evan—Sandy had told her he’d hurt his shoulder on the boat, as we agreed—but I convinced her he’s going to be fine. Then she told me about all the fun things she and Sandy had done. I was surprised Sandy is such a kid person, didn’t see that one at all, but they’d made a fort and played dress-up—even staged a singing contest. I usually look frazzled after a day with Ally, but Sandy’s cheeks were flushed and her eyes glowed. Then again, maybe it was from excitement that John had called again.

  Billy heated up some frozen pizzas while I fielded calls from concerned friends and workers at the lodge. I checked in with Mom and Lauren, who both offered to come over, but I said I was okay. I didn’t tell them John had called or that he was still in town. I also phoned the hospital several times, but there was no change in Evan’s condition. When he woke up again they gave him more medication, so he was asleep when I called. There were a couple of calls from unfamiliar numbers I didn’t answer, just checked my voice mail with a racing heart. Was it John? Was he coming for me? But there was never a message. The police traced the calls to pay phones in Nanaimo.

  After we ate—well, they ate and I stared at my food—Billy and Sandy cleaned up while I gave Ally her bath. Then I let her watch TV in my bed so the adults could talk downstairs.

  Sandy said, “That’s a great kid you have there.”

  “Thanks, I think she’s really special.”

  “She is.” Sandy took a sip of her iced tea. “Have you given any more thought to meeting with John?”

  Didn’t expect her to cut to the chase that fast.

  “I still don’t know what I’m going to do. Evan, my dad, my psychiatrist—no one thinks it’s a good idea.”

  Sandy set her glass down hard and sat straight in her chair. “Even though he shot your fiancé, you don’t want to try to stop him?”

  “Of course I want to stop him, but my psychiatrist thinks he’s escalating and might kill me if—”

  “That’s why it’s important we arrest him soon.”

  I glanced at Billy, waiting for him to jump in, but he was silent.

  “Sandy, you can’t guarantee something won’t go wrong and he’ll get away.”

  “No, and we can’t guarantee your safety now—or Ally’s.”

  “Are you seriously trying to use my daughter to scare me? I think about that every day, I don’t need you to—”

  “I’m not trying to scare you, but when he feels rejected he—”

  “I know. I’ve been thinking about that since he called again, since he shot Evan, but if I do this I stand to lose my fiancé, my family, and possibly my life.”

  Billy said, “I think Sara just needs a break tonight, Sandy.”

  “I’m fine. But if one more person tells me what I should do, I am going to lose it.”

  Sandy lowered her voice. “Sara, I can understand what you must be going through, but I also know you don’t want to leave a serial killer out there when you have Ally to think about.”

  “I’m sick of you trying to make me feel guilty. You’re just pissed off because you can’t catch him.”

  Her mouth opened like she was about to say something, but then a voice from the doorway said, “Mommy, it’s time for my story.”

  “Okay, sweetie, I’m coming.” As I took Ally’s hand and led her off, I felt Sandy’s gaze burning into my back. When I came downstairs later she was gone and Billy was sitting at the table, playing solitaire.

  “Where’d Sandy go?”

  “She needed to do some follow-up work at the station.”

  “She hates me.” I sat down with a sigh.

  “She doesn’t hate you, Sara.”

  “Well, can’t say I’m her biggest fan.”

  He grinned. “Couldn’t tell.”

  “You know, Nadine—that’s my psychiatrist—didn’t actually say she thought John would kill me.”

  “No?”

  “She just said it sounds like he’s in a manic state and might be more dangerous. Then I think about what you said—that if he’s freaking out he might be easier to catch. I want to do it, and if he hadn’t shot Evan…”

  “You don’t have to decide tonight. But just remember, ‘A swooping falcon breaks the back of his prey; such is the precision of his timing.’ He’s in striking distance, Sara.”

  “I know, I know.” I sighed. “Well, I told Nadine I’d sleep on it, then I’m going to call her in the morning before I drive up to see Evan.”

  “It’s great you have someone like that in your life.”

  “Evan thinks so too.” I laughed. “Saves him a lot of grief when I work things out with her first.” Then I thought of Evan alone at the hospital and a fresh wave of anxiety washed over me. “I’m going to call the hospital again.” The nurse told me Evan was stable but he’d be heavily sedated for the rest of the night, so it would be better to come back in the morning.

  “I should be up there with him, Billy. I hate this.”

  “I’d feel the exact same way, but it’s getting dark and that road isn’t safe at the best of times.”

  “But what if he takes a turn for the worse or John goes there and—”

  “Then it’s the last place you should be. Number one, Evan is well guarded. The members watching him are senior officers. Number two, I’m sure the doctors are keeping a close eye on him. They’ll call if there are complications. If you were my fiancée and I was in the hospital, I’d want you to stay where you were safe.”

  I groaned. “Evan would probably say the same thing.”

  “With John in town you should have protection. We can call Sandy or I can—”

  I held up my hand. “Not Sandy. I’ll make up the spare room.”

  “I should probably stay down here on the couch—closer to the door.”

  “Sure.” Even though it was still early evening, I brought down some blankets and started making up the couch. Billy came over to help. As he reached for the edge of the sheet our arms brushed, which made me break out in goose bumps. At the same moment I thought, Billy smells good.

  I stepped back quickly.

  Billy stopped tucking in the sheet and straightened up. “You okay?”

  My face burned as I said, “Yeah, totally. But my neck’s a little sore. Think I’m just going to have a hot bath and hit the sheets.” I headed for the stairs. “It’s been a long day. And I told Nadine I’d call her early—she’s doing some research tonight about serial killers. Not that I’ll be able to sleep.” Shut up, Sara.

  “Why don’t you take something? Didn’t you say your psychiatrist prescribed something for anxiety?”

  “Ativan.” I glanced at him. “But
is it safe for me to take something with John out there?”

  Billy spread his arms wide and grinned. “Who’s going to get through me?”

  I forced a smile back. “Thanks for staying over, Billy.”

  “Just doing my job, little lady,” he said in a John Wayne voice as he pretended to swagger. I laughed, then spun around and started up the stairs.

  Billy said, “Wait, what’s your alarm code—I’ll set it.”

  I rattled the numbers off as I was still walking. At the landing I said, “Okay, good night, then,” but didn’t wait to hear his response before I shut the bedroom door. I stood in the middle of my room and shook my head. God, Billy must be totally wondering why I was acting weird. I was wondering that myself. As I watched Ally’s pink-fleece-clad chest rise and fall—she was sound asleep on my bed with Moose—I went over the moment in my mind.

  Why was I suddenly noticing how good Billy smells? The entire time I’d been with Evan I’d never found another man attractive—not once. The only reason I never felt bad about spending so much time with Billy was because it was nothing. Nothing for him and, I thought, nothing for me.

  No, this was stupid, it was still nothing. I was allowed to notice something nice about a good-looking man—I wasn’t dead. And it wasn’t like I threw him down on the couch and jumped his bones. I’m sure there were women at the lodge Evan thought were pretty. This didn’t mean anything. It was probably one of those transference things. Billy represented safety and I was distracting myself from my real fear: losing Evan.

  I poured a hot bath and soaked in the lavender-scented bubbles. But I couldn’t stop thinking about Evan being shot. Even though I hadn’t been there, I could see his body jerk with the impact, see him fall, then drag himself to the boat. My mind tortured myself with thoughts of what might’ve happened if John had been successful. Then I thought of all the times I’d been short with Evan lately or ignored him completely because I was so caught up in my drama.

  I gave up on the bath and popped an Ativan, then pulled on one of Evan’s shirts and crawled into bed with Ally and Moose. Ally was on my side, but I left her there and whispered a good night as I kissed her cheek and smoothed her hair off her face. The book Billy had given me was still on the night table where I’d put it the day we went for a drive. Hoping it might distract me, I thumbed through the pages. One quote—“All warfare is based on deception”—jumped out. I’d tried to deceive John, but he won that battle hands down. As I scanned more pages I saw how Billy might’ve used some of the strategies, especially the ones about espionage and waging war.