You Can't Go Home Again

  The official with the sprouting moustaches, accompanied by the colleague he had summoned, opened the curtained door of the compartment again, and now George saw that two other officers were inside. And the nervous little man who had been their companion--no, he was not dead!--he sat all huddled up, facing them. His face was white and pasty. It looked greasy, as if it were covered with a salve of cold, fat sweat. Under his long nose his mouth was trembling in a horrible attempt at a smile. And in the very posture of the two men as they bent over him and questioned him there was something revolting and unclean.

  But the official with the thick, creased neck had now filled the door and blotted out the picture. He went in quickly, followed by his colleague. The door closed behind them, and again there was nothing but the drawn curtains and that ill-omened secrecy.

  All the people who had gathered round had got this momentary glimpse and had simply looked on with stupefied surprise. Now those who stood in the corridor of the train began to whisper to one another. The little blonde woman went over and carried on a whispered conversation with the young man and several other people who were standing at the open window. After conferring with them with subdued but growing excitement for a minute or two, she came back, took George and Adamowski by the arm, and whispered:

  "Come over here. There is something I want to tell you."

  She led them across the platform, out of hearing. Then, as both of the men said in lowered voices: "What is it?"--she looked round cautiously and whispered:

  "That man--the one in our compartment--he was trying to get out of the country--and they've caught him!"

  "But why? What for? What has he done?" they asked, bewildered.

  Again she glanced back cautiously and, drawing them together till their three heads were almost touching, she said in a secretive whisper that was full of awe and fright:

  "They say he is a Jew! And they found money on him! They searched him--they searched his baggage--he was taking money out!"

  "How much?" asked Adamowski.

  "I don't know," she whispered. "A great deal, I think. A hundred thousand marks, some say. Anyhow, they found it!"

  "But how?" George began. "I thought everything was finished. I thought they were done with all of us when they went through the train."

  "Yes," she said. "But don't you remember something about the ticket? He said something about not having a ticket the whole way. I suppose he thought it would be safer--wouldn't arouse suspicion in Berlin if he bought a ticket only to Aachen. So he got off the train here to buy his ticket for Paris--and that's when they caught him!" she whispered. "They must had have their eye on him! They must have suspected him! That's why they didn't question him when they came through the train!" George remembered now that "they" had not. "But they were watching for him, and they caught him here!" she went on. "They asked him where he was going, and he said to Paris. They asked him how much money he was taking out. He said ten marks. Then they asked him how long he was going to remain in Paris, and for what purpose, and he said he was going to be there a week, attending this congress of lawyers that he spoke about. They asked him, then, how he proposed to stay in Paris a week if all he had was ten marks. And I think," she whispered, "that that's where he got frightened! He began to lose his head! He said he had twenty marks besides, which he had put into another pocket and forgotten. And then, of course, they had him! They searched him! They searched his baggage! And they found more"--she whispered in an awed tone--"much, much more!"

  They all stared at one another, too stunned to say a word. Then the woman laughed in a low, frightened sort of way, a little, uncertain: "O-hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh," ending on a note of incredulity.

  "This man"--she whispered again--"this little Jew----".

  "I didn't know he was a Jew," George said. "I should not have thought so."

  "But he is!" she whispered, and looked stealthily round again to see if they were being overheard or watched. "And he was doing what so many of the others have done--he was trying to get out with his money!" Again she laughed, the uncertain little "Hohhoh-hoh" that mounted to incredulous amazement. Yet George saw that her eyes were troubled, too.

  All of a sudden George felt sick, empty, nauseated. Turning half away, he thrust his hands into his pockets--and drew them out as though his fingers had been burned. The man's money--he still had it! Deliberately, now, he put his hand into his pocket again and felt the five two-mark pieces. The coins seemed greasy, as if they were covered with sweat. George took them out and closed them in his fist and started across the platform towards the train. The woman seized him by the arm.

  "Where are you going?" she gasped. "What are you going to do?"

  "I'm going to give the man his money. I won't see him again. I can't keep it."

  Her face went white. "Are you mad?" she whispered. "Don't you know that that will do no good? You'll only get yourself arrested! And, as for him--he's in trouble enough already. You'll only make it so much worse for him. And besides," she faltered, "God knows what he has done, what he has said already. If he has lost his head completely--if he has told that we have transferred money to one another--we'll all be in for it!"

  They had not thought of this. And as they realised the possible consequences of their good intentions, they just stood there, all three, and stared helplessly at one another. They just stood there, feeling dazed and weak and hollow. They just stood there and prayed.

  And now the officers were coming out of the compartment. The curtained door opened again, and the fellow with the sprouting moustaches emerged, carrying the little man's valise. He clambered down clumsily onto the platform and set the valise on the floor between his feet. He looked round. It seemed to George and the others that he glared at them. They just stood still and hardly dared to breathe. They thought they were in for it, and expected now to see all of their own baggage come out.

  But in a moment the other three officials came through the door of the compartment with the little man between them. They stepped down to the platform and marched him along, white as a sheet, grease standing out in beads all over his face, protesting volubly in a voice that had a kind of anguished lilt in it. He came right by the others as they stood there. The man's money sweated in George's hand, and he did not know what to do. He made a movement with his arm and started to speak to him. At the same time he was hoping desperately that the man would not speak. George tried to look away from him, but could not. The little man came towards them, protesting with every breath that the whole thing could be explained, that it was an absurd mistake. For just the flick of an instant as he passed the others he stopped talking, glanced at them, white-faced, still smiling his horrible little forced smile of terror; for just a moment his eyes rested on them, and then, without a sign of recognition, without betraying them, without giving any indication that he knew them, he went on by.

  George heard the woman at his side sigh faintly and felt her body slump against him. They all felt weak, drained of their last energies. Then they walked slowly across the platform and got into the train.

  The evil tension had been snapped now. People were talking feverishly, still in low tones but with obvious released excitement. The little blonde woman leaned from the window of the corridor and spoke to the fellow with the sprouting moustaches, who was still standing there.

  "You--you're not going to let him go?" she asked hesitantly, almost in a whisper. "Are--are you going to keep him here?"

  He looked at her stolidly. Then a slow, intolerable smile broke across his brutal features. He nodded his head deliberately, with the finality of a gluttonous and full-fed satisfaction:

  "Ja," he said. "Er bleibt." And, shaking his head ever so slightly from side to side: "Geht nicht!" he said.

  They had him. Far down the platform the passengers heard the shrill, sudden fife of the Belgian engine whistle. The guard cried warning. All up and down the train the doors were slammed. Slowly the train began to move. At a creeping pace it rolled right past the little man.
They had him, all right. The officers surrounded him. He stood among them, still protesting, talking with his hands now. And the men in uniform said nothing. They had no need to speak. They had him. They just stood and watched him, each with a faint suggestion of that intolerable slow smile upon his face. They raised their eyes and looked at the passengers as the train rolled past, and the line of travellers standing in the corridors looked back at them and caught the obscene and insolent communication in their glance and in that intolerable slow smile.

  And the little man--he, too, paused once from his feverish effort to explain. As the car in which he had been riding slid by, he lifted his pasty face and terror-stricken eyes, and for a moment his lips were stilled of their anxious pleading. He looked once, directly and steadfastly, at his former companions, and they at him. And in that gaze there was all the unmeasured weight of man's mortal anguish. George and the others felt somehow naked and ashamed, and somehow guilty. They all felt that they were saying farewell, not to a man, but to humanity; not to some pathetic stranger, some chance acquaintance of the voyage, but to mankind; not to some nameless cipher out of life, but to the fading image of a brother's face.

  The train swept out and gathered speed--and so they lost him:

  * * *

  44. The Way of no Return

  "Well," said Adamowski, turning to George, "I think this is a sad end to our journey."

  George nodded but said nothing. Then they all went back into their compartment and took their former seats.

  But it seemed strange and empty now. The ghost of absence sat there ruinously. The little man had left his coat and hat; in his anguish he had forgotten them. Adamowski rose and took them; and would have given them to the conductor, but the woman said:

  "You'd better look into the pockets first. There may be something in them. Perhaps"--quickly, eagerly, as the idea took her--"perhaps he has left money there," she whispered.

  Adamowski searched the pockets. There was nothing of any value in them. He shook his head. The woman began to search the cushions of the seats, thrusting her hands down around the sides.

  "It might just be, you know," she said, "that he hid money here." She laughed excitedly, almost gleefully. "Perhaps we'll all be rich!"

  The young Pole shook his head. "I think they would have found it if he had." He paused, peered out of the window, and thrust his his hand into his pocket. "I suppose we're in Belgium now," he said. "Here's your money." And he returned to her the twenty-three marks she had given him.

  She took the money and put it in her purse. George still had the little man's ten marks in his hand and was looking at them. The woman glanced up, saw his face, then said quickly, warmly: "But you're upset about this thing! You look so troubled."

  George put the money away. Then he said:

  "I feel exactly as if I had blood-money in my pocket."

  "No," she said. She leaned over, smiling, and put her hand reassuringly upon his arm. "Not blood-money--Jew-money!" she whispered. "Don't worry about it. He had plenty more!" George's eyes met Adamowski's. Both were grave.

  "This is a sad ending to our trip," Adamowski said again, in a low voice, almost to himself.

  The woman tried to talk them out of their depression, to talk herself into forgetfulness. She made an effort to laugh and joke.

  "These Jews!" she cried. "Such things would never happen if it were not for them! They make all the trouble. Germany has had to protect herself. The Jews were taking all the money from the country. Thousands of them escaped, taking millions of marks with them. And now, when it's too late, we wake up to it! It's too bad that foreigners must see these things--that they've got to go through these painful experiences--it makes a bad impression. They don't understand the reason. But it's the Jews!" she whispered.

  The others said nothing, and the woman went on talking, eagerly, excitedly, earnestly, persuasively. But it was as if she were trying to convince herself, as if every instinct of race and loyalty were now being used in an effort to excuse or justify something that had filled her with sorrow and deep shame. For even as she talked and laughed, her clear blue eyes were sad and full of trouble. And at length she gave it up and stopped. There was a heavy silence. Then, gravely, quietly, the woman said:

  "He must have wanted very badly to escape."

  They remembered, then, all that he had said and done throughout the journey. They recalled how nervous he had been, how he had kept opening and shutting the door, how he had kept getting up to pace along the corridor. They spoke of the suspicion and distrust with which he had peered round at them when he first came in, and of the eagerness with which he had asked Adamowski to change places with him when the Pole had got up to go into the dining-car with George. They recalled his explanations about the ticket, about having to buy passage from the frontier to Paris. All of these things, every act and word and gesture of the little man, which they had dismissed at the time as trivial or as evidence simply of an irascible temper, now became invested with a new and terrible meaning.

  "But the ten marks!" the woman cried at length, turning to George. "Since he had all this other money, why, in God's name, did he give ten marks to you? It was so stupid!" she exclaimed in an exasperated tone. "There was no reason for it!"

  Certainly they could find no reason, unless he had done it to divert suspicion from their minds about his true intent. This was Adamowski's theory, and it seemed to satisfy the woman. But George thought it more likely that the little man was in such a desperate state of nervous frenzy and apprehension that he had lost the power to reason clearly and had acted blindly, wildly, on the impulse of the moment. But they did not know. And now they would never find out the answer.

  George was still worried about getting the man's ten marks returned to him. The woman said that she had given the man her name and her address in Paris, and that if he were later allowed to complete his journey he could find her there. George then gave her his own address in Paris and asked her to inform the man where he was if she should hear from him. She promised, but they all knew that she would never hear from him again.

  Late afternoon had come. The country had closed in around them. The train was winding through a pleasant, romantic landscape of hills and woods. In the slant of evening and the waning light there was a sense of deep, impenetrable forest and of cool, darkling waters.

  They had long since passed the frontier, but the woman, who had been looking musingly and a little anxiously out of the window, hailed the conductor as he passed along the corridor and asked him if they were really in Belgium now. He assured her that they were. Adamowski gave him the little man's hat and coat, and explained the reason. The conductor nodded, took them, and departed.

  The woman had her hand upon her breast, and now when the conductor had gone she sighed slowly with relief. Then, quietly and simply, she said:

  "Do not misunderstand me. I am a German and I love my country. But--I feel as if a weight has lifted from me here." She put her hand upon her breast again. "You cannot understand, perhaps, just how it feels to us, but--" and for a moment she was silent, as if painfully meditating what she wished to say. Then, quickly, quietly: "We are so happy to be--out!"

  Out? Yes, that was it. Suddenly George knew just how she felt. He, too, was "out" who was a stranger to her land, and yet who never had been a stranger in it. He, too, was "out" of that great country whose image had been engraved upon his spirit in childhood and youth, before he had ever seen it. He, too, was "out" of that land which had been so much more to him than land, so much more than place. It had been a geography of heart's desire, an unfathomed domain of unknown inheritance. The haunting beauty of that magic land had been his soul's dark wonder. He had known the language of its spirit before he ever came to it, had understood the language of its tongue the moment he had heard it spoken. He had framed the accents of its speech most brokenly from that first hour, yet never with a moment's trouble, strangeness, or lack of comprehension. He bad been at home in it, and it in him.
It seemed that he had been born with this knowledge.

  He had known wonder in this land, truth and magic in it, sorrow, loneliness, and pain in it. He had known love in it, and for the first time in his life he had tasted there the bright, delusive sacraments of fame. Therefore it was no foreign land to him. It was the other part of his heart's home, a haunted part of dark desire, a magic domain of fulfilment. It was the dark, lost Helen that had been forever burning in his blood--the dark, lost Helen he had found.

  And now it was the dark, found Helen he had lost. And he knew now, as he had never known before, the priceless measure of his loss. He knew also the priceless measure of his gain. For this was the way that henceforth would be forever closed to him--the way of no return. He was "out". And, being "out", he began to see another way, the way that lay before him. He saw now that you can't go home again--not ever. There was no road back. Ended now for him, with the sharp and clean finality of the closing of a door, was the time when his dark roots, like those of a pot-bound plant, could be left to feed upon their own substance and nourish their own little self-absorbed designs. Henceforth they must spread outward--away from the hidden, secret, and unfathomed past that holds man's spirit prisoner--outward, outward towards the rich and life-giving soil of a new freedom in the wide world of all humanity. And there came to him a vision of man's true home, beyond the ominous and cloud-engulfed horizon of the here and now, in the green and hopeful and still-virgin meadows of the future.

  "Therefore," he thought, "old master, wizard Faust, old father of the ancient and swarm-haunted mind of man, old earth, old German land with all the measure of your truth, your glory, beauty, magic, and your ruin; and dark Helen burning in our blood, great queen and mistress, sorceress--dark land, dark land, old ancient earth I love--farewell!"

  * * *

  BOOK VII. - A WIND IS RISING, AND THE RIVERS FLOW