Heaven

  “I agree,” said Ivy, only she looked less comfortable with the idea.

  “Aren’t you guys big shots? Can’t you handle this?”

  “Ordinarily, yes, but this is different.”

  “How?” I asked, and Gabriel glared at me impatiently.

  “I think you know how.”

  “You mean because it’s him?”

  I didn’t know why I was unable to call him by name. Perhaps his name and everything it called to mind was so distasteful I couldn’t bring myself to say it aloud. Maybe there was also the fear that if I acknowledged him, it would bring back a flood of memories I’d been trying desperately to obliterate. Part of me was still hanging on to the childish notion that if evil doesn’t have a name, you can convince yourself it exists only in your imagination. Whatever the reason, I knew I had to keep it together for Xavier’s sake. It was an impossible situation, having the person I loved most and the thing I despised most within one body. Which emotion was I supposed to feel, love or hate?

  It took Gabe awhile to answer me, as if he’d had to consider his words carefully.

  “Because we cannot afford to fail.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means if we fail, Xavier may not come out of this alive.”

  The thought short-circuited my train of thought and the world blacked out for a moment, but I managed to recover.

  “Why would you fail? Expelling demons—that’s your thing. It’s what you do, right?”

  “Yes.” Gabriel hesitated. “But only through the power vested in us from above.”

  Suddenly the fog lifted. “Oh, I get it.” I felt my fists clench. “Given recent events, you can no longer be certain of corporate backing.”

  “That’s one way of looking at it.”

  “So Heaven isn’t on our side. That puts us in a pretty vulnerable position.”

  “We don’t know that for sure,” Ivy said. “We can still find allies.”

  “Assuming we have any left,” I muttered, and my sister raised an eyebrow.

  “Don’t think that way.”

  “We’re outcasts.” I tried to keep my voice from becoming shrill. “Nobody is coming to help us! Why would they?”

  “Because we’re all part of the same family.”

  “We’re screwed,” I mumbled.

  “Have you no faith left at all?” my brother remarked in surprise.

  “How can I, when God seems to have abandoned us?”

  “That is when you need faith the most,” Gabriel said. “Not when everything is going your way, not when you have much to be thankful for, but when there is darkness all around. He is always there, He is always watching, and one way or another, He will set you on the right path.”

  I hated my brother sometimes for being so wise. Everything he said made sense and I knew he was right, but we weren’t out of the storm yet. I, of all people, should have had faith but I was so tired and learning fast that even angels are not infallible. But somewhere inside me, through all the layers of worry and hurt and anger, I did feel a comforting hand, like a whisper on my back, guiding me forward and letting me know I wasn’t alone.

  The basement door was still tormenting me and Ivy caught the glances I kept darting in its direction. She finally took pity on me.

  “Bethany isn’t going to be much use to anyone until she checks on Xavier.”

  A slight inclination of Gabriel’s head indicated that he understood. I thanked them and forced myself to walk slowly rather than bolt for the hallway.

  “Five minutes,” Gabriel called after me. “Make sure you leave the door open. And no matter what he says to you, do not untie him.”

  “Got it,” I said.

  “Wait!” Ivy said, and handed me a pottery mug that gave off a strange pungent aroma. “See if you can get him to drink this.”

  “What is it?”

  “Mandrake tea.”

  “It doesn’t smell too good. What’s it for?”

  “I’m hoping it’ll knock him out for a while. That way we won’t have to keep vigil all night. Things will be clearer by morning.”

  “Maybe,” I said.

  “By then we should know if help is available.” Ivy tried to sound encouraging. “After you check on Xavier, you should get some sleep. You look beat.”

  “Good idea.” I gave her a tight smile, knowing full well how little chance there was of that happening. “I’ll be right up. I’ll just make sure Xavier’s okay and then I’ll crash.” I’d play along with Gabriel and Ivy right up until the point I could sneak back to sit by Xavier’s side.

  Walking into the basement for the second time, I found it hard not to fall apart seeing Xavier shirtless, bloodied, and shackled to a bed. Despite his taut and well-defined body, he’d never looked so vulnerable to me than he did at that moment. His face was exhausted, his lips chapped, and a five o’clock shadow was already visible on his chin. But it was his lost expression that was the hardest to take. I knew how maddening it must be for him to be aware of what was happening and not be able to do a thing about it. Xavier was never one to shirk from a challenge and would always choose to confront his enemies rather than run from them. But how could you fight an enemy that lived inside you?

  I carried the steaming drink and placed it carefully to cool on the old record player beside the bed. I went to the rusty sink and moistened a towel Ivy had brought down and used it to carefully tend the scratches on Xavier’s face.

  At my touch, he opened his eyes. At first he looked relieved to see me, then the memory of the last few hours crashed through his consciousness and a look of horror clouded his features.

  “Beth,” he choked out. “I’m so sorry!”

  “Xavier, what’s wrong?” I touched a hand to his forehead, out of habit.

  “Those terrible things I said! I didn’t mean it … any of it!”

  It was hard to believe it was actually him I was talking to. I didn’t know how long we had before the darkness took over again. I could see the effort of fighting it was costly, he was breaking out in a sweat and gritting his teeth. It was remarkable that he had succeeded at all in the struggle—one could not simply push Lucifer out of the way. Xavier must be stronger than any of us realized. But I couldn’t waste time marveling over that right now.

  I put my finger over his lips to silence him. “It’s okay. It wasn’t you. Don’t think about it. Here…” I held the mug of tea up to his lips, knowing that in a few minutes, maybe even seconds, the heinous creature inside him would resurface and he’d be lost again. “You need to drink this, it’ll help.”

  Xavier lifted his head obediently and took a few sips before making a face.

  “Sorry,” I said. “Does it taste as bad as it smells?”

  “Yep.”

  The muffled voices of my siblings deliberating in the kitchen reached us.

  “What are they doing?” Xavier croaked. I knew he must be wondering why they weren’t here, taking charge of the situation with their customary authority.

  “They’re just trying to figure things out.” I squeezed his hand. “They’ll fix this, I promise. You just have to get through the night.”

  Xavier squeezed his eyes shut and gave a groan of pain as something invisible twisted inside him, fighting to regain control.

  “The night?” he repeated, and I caught the note of rising panic in his voice. “Why do we have to wait? Can’t they do something now?”

  “They’re working on it, Xav,” I whispered, searching for something more reassuring to say. “It won’t be much longer.”

  I hoped my words might hold some comfort for him, but Xavier turned his face away.

  “You should go. I don’t want you to see me like this.”

  “I’m not going anywhere,” I pressed, inching closer to him as if to prove my point. “This is what marriage is about. The good, the bad, and the ugly.”

  “I think this might be too ugly,” Xavier said with a pained expression.

  “I d
on’t care, so quit arguing,” I said resolutely.

  “Beth…” His fingers clamped down hard around mine. “I don’t know how long I’ve got before … before he comes back. I can’t stop it, it’s like someone flicks a switch in my brain and I lose control.”

  I leaned down so our noses were almost touching. “No one can control you, Xavier. You’re too strong for that.”

  “What if I’m not?” he whispered.

  “I know you are. Want me to tell you how I know?”

  He looked at me with the first glimmer of hope I’d seen since we’d brought him back here.

  “How?”

  “Because this is you talking to me right now. Do you know how hard that is? How impossible? But you wrestled him down and that’s a bigger feat than anyone could hope for. You’re strong enough to fight this; you just have to believe you can. Will you do that for me?”

  Xavier gave a distant smile. “I’ll try, Beth.”

  “That’s more like it.”

  “But I want you to do something for me.” Xavier’s eyes seemed brighter than usual. Was he on the verge of tears? “If things don’t work out the way we hope…”

  The rest of the sentence choked in his throat.

  “What is it, Xavier?” I asked, although I already knew what he was about to say and the emotion that washed over me was almost too much to bear.

  “Promise you won’t get upset?”

  “Mmhmm,” I said, not trusting myself to speak.

  “I know Gabriel and Ivy will do everything they can but if they can’t help me…”

  “They can, Xavier,” I insisted. “Of course they can.”

  But he hardly heard me, he was so focused on getting out what he wanted to say.

  “There’s something deadly inside me, Beth. I’m gonna fight it hard but if I don’t win, you have to promise to lock me up, to keep me somewhere where I can’t hurt anyone.”

  “It won’t come to that.”

  “But if it does … I’d rather die.”

  “Don’t say that.” My voice was breaking, but Xavier pressed on, determined to finish this.

  “You have to let me die.”

  “I won’t!” I cried.

  “If it’s between my life and someone else’s, you have to let me go, Beth. I don’t want any more deaths on my head. I can’t live with that.”

  “I promise I won’t let you hurt anyone,” I said. “That’s the best I can do. Please don’t ask more of me.”

  “Okay,” Xavier murmured. He looked like he was losing consciousness. “I’ll see you again. Don’t forget me.”

  “What?” I asked, but he was already asleep. Ivy’s brew was one powerful concoction.

  “I won’t forget you,” I whispered, pressing my lips against his temple. “I’d sooner forget myself.”

  I went upstairs to collect a duvet, which I wrapped around my shoulders and settled in a dusty wicker chair in the basement to keep watch. Ivy and Gabriel didn’t try to stop me this time—the silent tears running down my cheeks must have been a signal for them to leave me alone. In the dark, I dozed intermittently, always jerking awake at the slightest sound or twitch of movement. It seemed every time I opened my eyes I was witnessing a physical transformation on the bed before me. Xavier’s cheeks looked more hollowed and there was sullenness around his mouth that was unfamiliar. But I told myself it was the gloom in the basement playing tricks on my mind.

  I only knew dawn was approaching by the strident crow of a rooster in someone’s yard. It stirred Xavier from sleep and he opened his eyes to look at me. They were still bright and brilliant and blue, but they were not his own. When he spoke, it was in a throaty voice so unlike his own it made me jump.

  “A magnificent vessel.”

  “What?” I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right and I inched a little closer.

  “This.” He tilted his chin to look down at his body. “It’s almost a shame to ruin him.”

  “You…” I began in a sudden fit of rage, but all the things I wanted to say, to scream at him, seemed to lodge in the back of my throat and I couldn’t get anything out. I knew Xavier was gone, there was a new tenant occupying his body now and boasting about his new lodgings.

  “Cat got your tongue?” He smiled and rattled the chains that bound him like they were nothing but toys. His voice had a low Texan drawl. “It’s good to see you again, little angel. You’ve done well for yourself. It feels good in here. In fact, I like it so much I might stay.”

  “You won’t be staying,” I said, sounding so calm I surprised even myself.

  “Oh, really? What makes you so sure of that?”

  “You can try but you won’t win,” I said dismissively. “Not against us.”

  “Depends how you define winning.” The voice became lower and more spiteful. “I’m in here, aren’t I?”

  “Not for long.” I shrugged, but my devil-may-care attitude wasn’t rattling him. I supposed it didn’t work so well against the actual devil.

  “You’d be surprised how tenacious I can be.”

  “Gabriel is a pretty powerful arch,” I said. “He’ll deal with you soon. You may as well give up now because you don’t stand a chance.”

  “My brother will deal with you. We have to help poor Xavier because I love him sooooo much.” The shrill voice and bitter laughter stung like a whip. “Oh, Bethany, my dear, your naivety is adorable. Now I think I do stand a chance; you know why? Because I ain’t budging and as long as I’m here, lover boy is at my mercy. I’d advise against trying to evict me. I can do a lot of damage from the inside—literally speaking.”

  Xavier’s head lolled from side to side as if he were trying to wake from a nightmare. His eyes were open but unfocused. Suddenly his body became racked by violent spasms like someone in the throes of a seizure. “See what I mean?”

  “Xavier!” I screamed, my hands reaching out to his chest.

  “Sorry, Xavier’s not at home right now, can I take a message?” Lucifer laughed at his own joke.

  “He can’t hear me,” I murmured under my breath.

  “Oh, he can hear you,” Lucifer replied pleasantly. “He just can’t answer. Remember, it’s still his body. He feels everything … acutely.”

  I searched Xavier’s face for a hint of recognition but found none.

  “What are you doing to him?” I asked.

  “Just pulling the strings.”

  I balled my hands into fists. There were no words that could do justice to the depth of loathing I felt for him but at least I knew I wouldn’t be doing Xavier any favors by vocalizing that. I had to think smart.

  “I know you’re angry with me,” I said imploringly. “So take your anger out on me. Get revenge on me. Don’t do this to him. This isn’t his fault.”

  “Oh, you dear, sweet girl,” Lucifer crowed. “I am taking revenge on you. What better way than this? To make you watch the one you love die before your eyes … and in such a slow and painful manner?” He shook his head. “It’s almost too cruel.”

  “Don’t do it,” I hissed. “Get out of him, leave him alone!”

  His eyes lighted on my ringed finger. “Oh, my, what have we here? Are you to be a widow, little angel? How tragic, losing your young husband so soon after the big day.”

  “If you kill him, my brother will hunt you down,” I said. “We all will. You can be sure of that.”

  Lucifer ignored me and continued on his own tangent. “Married life seems to agree with you. You’ve lost that startled rabbit look. You’re turning into a beautiful young woman.” He looked at me appraisingly, and even though it was Xavier’s face, I saw that the expression was so slimy it made me shudder.

  “You know what?” I said suddenly, flopping down on the bed beside him. Lucifer raised an eyebrow. “A few minutes ago I was thinking about how much I hate you but I don’t think it’s hate I feel—it’s pity.”

  “That very magnanimous of you, but the one you ought to pity is yourself. It’s been a hard road, hasn
’t it? Choosing to love a mortal. Your little boyfriend has already died once, your brother and sister resent you, and Daddy set his trained monkeys on you.”

  “My Father had no part in that,” I said hotly. “Don’t you dare bring Him into this.”

  “Believe what you like.” Lucifer shrugged. “But I thought He knew everything … isn’t He supposed to be omnipotent and all that jazz?”

  “He has a lot to deal with,” I snarled. “Cleaning up the messes you and your vermin have left all over the planet.”

  “Isn’t the cycle fun?” Lucifer grinned at me. “Shame you’re in Daddy’s bad books now.”

  “You really don’t understand Him at all, do you?” I asked suddenly. “God is love and His mercy is great. Just because He threw you out, doesn’t mean He’ll abandon the rest of us. That’s what it all comes down to, isn’t it? A little boy who feels abandoned by his Dad.”

  Lucifer stared at me for a moment and his eyes became icy.

  “Don’t talk about what you don’t understand,” he said in a dangerous voice.

  “I understand more than you think,” I replied. “And I know you weren’t always like this, were you?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “We’ve all heard the stories. You used to be one of Heaven’s brightest stars. Our Father loved you; He had big plans for you. But you messed up. You blame Him for it, but it was you who made the mistakes.”

  Lucifer bared his teeth at me. “You should quit while you’re ahead, little girl. You don’t want to make me mad.”

  “Do you ever wish you’d done things differently?” I persisted. “I bet you do, every day. You must have known love once.”

  “And you must want to see Frat Boy develop internal bleeding.”

  “No!” I cried. “I’m sorry! Don’t hurt him!”

  Lucifer, who had lifted his body and was leaning forward as much as the chains would allow, settled back. He seemed to be breathing more heavily. Obviously, something I’d said struck close to home.

  “We have more in common than you realize,” he said eventually, licking his cracked lips.

  “I seriously doubt that,” I retorted.