My Favorite Mistake

  “Why, does other people having sex make you uncomfortable?”

  “No, it’s just weird. Having them right over there,” I said, pointing to the wall.

  “That’s college for you.” He pushed off the door and got back into bed, flinging the boxers down on the floor and sighing.

  I looked away and got back into my bed.

  “You’re not jealous, are you? That you’re not the one getting lucky?”

  “She’s drunk. She probably won’t even remember it.”

  “You are jealous. Well, Missy. I’ve told you we can fix these things.”

  “Why does everything come down to sex with you?”

  “It’s not just about the sex, Missy. Although, that part is a lot of fun. It’s the other stuff. Waking up naked next to someone and knowing you’ve shared something. That you were connected, if only for a few minutes.”

  “Is that what it’s like for you?” I couldn’t imagine having that kind of connection with Chastity or whoever else he’d had sex with.

  “It would be with you.”

  “It isn’t with everyone?”

  “Well, do you connect with everyone you’ve been with?” Oh shit. I hadn’t expected him to turn this around on me.

  “No,” I said too quickly. Goddamn.

  “Jesus Christ,” he said, sitting up and clutching the blanket so it wouldn’t fall and uncover him.

  “What?”

  “You’re a virgin.”

  “I am not,” I said, sounding very much like someone who was lying.

  “Shit. Oh, shit.” He was acting like he’d just run over a puppy with his car.

  “I’m going to bed,” I said, because I didn’t really have anything else to say.

  “Is that it? Your big secret?”

  Oh, if only it was that.

  I didn’t answer.

  “I feel like I’ve defiled you now. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “Why does it matter? Great, now you know I’m a freak. Congratulations.”

  “That’s not what I meant. Christ.”

  I was mortified and I didn’t know why it bothered me so much. It wasn’t a secret I guarded that closely, but it ran very close to the one I did. This was why I hadn’t wanted Hunter to get close. Because of this moment.

  “You should have said something. I would have stopped.”

  “I’m not a child, Hunter.”

  “I know, but I wouldn’t have said all those things if I had known.”

  “Really? Really?” I sat up, finally glaring at him.

  “Maybe? I don’t know. You just seemed so confident.”

  “You mean slutty.”

  “No. I definitely didn’t mean that. You’re not that kind of girl. I just meant that you seemed like you had experience, that you knew what you were doing. I guess… Wow.”

  He shook his head back and forth in disbelief.

  “Are you really a virgin?”

  I took a deep breath before I answered.

  “Yes.”

  “But you’ve done other stuff? Like physically?”

  “If you’re asking if I’ve ever given or received oral sex or been fondled, the answer is no. I have been kissed, and my boob got grabbed once by a guy who I’m pretty sure will never have children after I was done with him.”

  For the first time ever, Hunter was speechless. Point for me.

  “I don’t know what to say,” he said.

  “Then here’s a thought, don’t say anything. Goodnight.”

  “No, no, no. We are talking about this.”

  I heard him reach for his boxers, and then a shirt. Hmm. A minute later, the end of my bed dipped.

  “Hey, talk to me. I just… it just seems unfathomable that it hasn’t happened yet. If you were to yell out the window right now that you were a virgin, there would be at least a hundred guys lined up within five seconds.”

  “Whatever.” I refused to turn over and look at him. I just wanted him to go to bed so I could continue to die inside in peace.

  “No one’s ever even tried?”

  “No.” Sure, I’d been asked out, but I’d never gone. And anyone who tried anything usually wound up with a very sore crotch.

  “Then there must be something in the water where you live that alters logic. You should probably alert someone about that, because that’s completely crazy.”

  “They called me the Ice Queen,” I mumbled.

  “What?”

  “They called me the Ice Queen,” I said, rolling over. Maybe if I satisfied his curiosity, he’d go away.

  “They did not. You?”

  “I guess I was chillier when I was in high school. Maybe you thawed me.”

  His hand touched my shoulder.

  “I’m sorry about everything.”

  “You don’t have to be sorry. Just think before you speak next time. You don’t want to go around insulting virgins. We can be fierce when we want to.”

  “I’ll keep that in mind. Goodnight.” He finally got up and went back to his bed. “Oh, and if you ever decide to turn in that V card, I’m here. Just so you know.”

  “I’m well aware.”

  “Good. Because we could be amazing. You and me.”

  “Goodnight,” I said for what felt like the millionth time.

  “Goodnight, Missy.”

  *****

  Hunter was ridiculously nice to me for the next two weeks as we passed from the last gasps of summer into fall.

  Fall was my favorite season. Not only because my birthday was in November, but because of Halloween and crunchy leaves and pumpkin-scented things and hats and cute scarves. What wasn’t to like about fall? I couldn’t think of anything.

  I usually got the baking bug in the fall as well, and one night I made pumpkin cookies with cream cheese frosting that made Renee propose to me, on one knee and everything.

  “Thanks , babe,” Paul said as he reached for another. Since Renee had brought him home, Paul had become a fixture in our apartment. He and Hunter hit it off right away and had already had several extremely intense Halo tournaments and guitar jam sessions. Paul had a guitar as well, and wasn’t that bad. Renee would sit and watch, tapping her hand and bopping her head and yelling out requests.

  I’d never seen her so happy. She was grinning from ear to ear most of the time, and she was always touching him and laughing with him and kissing him. He was sweet and fun and kind of a dork. I liked him even more than I did when they dated last time. He seemed more settled. More mellow.

  Between Paul, Hunter and Mase, we had quite a male presence in our place. Add Sean and Dev and we had quite a posse. I got used to having a million people around, all climbing over one another. Dinners were a production, so we made sure we had something for everyone. Somehow, even though I was the youngest, I’d become sort of a mom to them all. When we had dinner no one remembered to grab a napkin, and they always needed something and I was usually the one to get up and get it.

  I was still wearing the ring. I only took it off to shower, and my hand felt cold and naked without it. Hunter hadn’t made further mention of the cost, and I had kind of let it go. Or so he thought. I was determined to find out where he got the cash. I knew he wasn’t selling drugs, or robbing banks or anything like that, but I knew it had something to do with Joe. It just had to.

  The same night I made the pumpkin cookies I was cleaning up our bedroom, or at least my side of it, when I saw what looked like a crumpled up check. Puzzled, I unfolded it.

  It was made out to Hunter in the amount of five thousand dollars.

  “Holy shit,” I said, dropping the check.

  “What are you doing?” a voice said behind me. A Hunter voice.

  “Cleaning. And stop sneaking up on me.”

  “What were you holy shitting?”

  “Nothing. Nothing.” I tried to push the check with my foot so it would go under a t-shirt I hadn’t picked up yet, but he caught me. Boy was too damn observant.

  “Then why are
you trying to hide it?”

  “Hide what?”

  “You’re not a moron and you can’t play one very well.” He reached for the check, but I got there first.

  “Then why don’t you tell me what the hell this is?” I held it in front of his face and watched as all the color drained. Impressive.

  “Give it back.” He reached for it, but I’d been to kickboxing this week, and my reflexes were on.

  “Tell me what it is.”

  “Give. It. Back,” he said through clenched teeth.

  I stepped back, putting the check behind my back. He was going to get hold of it, because, let’s face it, he was taller and stronger. But at least I might be able to find out what this was all about.

  “Tell me what it is. Where did you get this kind of money?”

  “Give. Me. The. Check.”

  I’d never seen Hunter so angry. Never. His blue eyes blazed with it. For the first time, I was scared of him. Didn’t mean I was going to give it to him before I found out what the hell it was.

  “Tell me,” I said softly, backing up until my back hit my bed.

  “I swear to God, if you don’t give that to me in the next five seconds, I’m going to take it from you and I’m not going to be very nice about it.”

  I shook my head.

  “Fine.”

  He dived at me, knocking me back so we were on my bed. I fought, but he had weight and momentum on his side.

  “Get off me!”

  “Not until you give it to me.”

  “Tell me and I will.”

  That only seemed to make him madder, and he grabbed my arm, wrenching it around as I fought.

  “You’re hurting me.”

  He didn’t answer.

  We continued to struggle as he finally got hold of it.

  “Thank you. Now get the fuck out,” he said as he got up. I was panting, but he wasn’t. But at least we were both pissed now.

  “What?”

  “Get the fuck out,” he roared.

  “Where am I supposed to go?”

  “That’s not my problem.”

  “I’m not leaving,” I said, crossing my arms.

  “Then I’m going to have to remove you.”

  “I’d like to see you try.”

  With steel in his eyes, he reached for me. I thrashed, but he threw me over his shoulder and marched out the door, past Renee and Paul, who were having a tickle fight on the couch, and out to the hallway where he dumped me. I tried to get a good kick or punch in, but he was able to avoid them.

  “Don’t touch my stuff. Ever.” He shut the door in my face and clicked the lock.

  Twenty

  I sat on the floor in the hallway for a few stunned seconds before I got up and banged on the door. Of course, I didn’t have my key, so I banged on it until Renee sheepishly opened it and let me in.

  “Thanks for that,” I snapped.

  “I… I didn’t know what to do. I just… I’ve never seen him like that. He went in your room and locked the door and he won’t come out.”

  Paul was in the process of banging on our bedroom door.

  “Here, let me,” I said, taking his place at the door. “I’m leaving, you douchebag. I just have one thing to say to you. I. Hate. You. If you don’t believe me, whatever. But I’m not moving out permanently. I was here first before you barged your way in. I don’t care where you go, but when I come back tomorrow, you’d better be gone. Screw you, Hunter Zaccadelli.”

  I grabbed my purse and left, calling Megan to ask if she had a free couch for the night.

  “Of course, what happened?”

  “I’ll tell you when I get there.”

  Sassy roared to life, and I drove as fast as I could away from campus without getting busted by campus security for speeding.

  I still wasn’t crying. Oh no. Tears were the last thing on my mind. I was pissed. Beyond pissed. I was livid.

  Megan was waiting with a plate of chocolate cake and a sympathetic shoulder.

  “Jake’s still at work, and his crusty friends aren’t coming over tonight, so the couch is all yours. I already made it up with fresh sheets. Do you need some clothes?”

  I’d run out without anything, but I had an emergency stash in my car for moments like this.

  As I mowed through two pieces of sticky cake and a glass of milk, I told Megan everything. I hadn’t really had a chance to catch up with her in a while, so I filled her in on the ring affair and everything else.

  “He’s got money and he’s hiding it. If it were from his aunt and uncle, he would have admitted it. I just keep coming back to this Joe guy.”

  “So he had a meeting with him and he said something about not wanting… something. Maybe it was the money.”

  “That’s the first thing I thought of. I mean, his parents are dead, this weird Joe guy has a meeting with him, and then this,” I said, holding up the ring, “and then the check for five grand. It’s got to be connected. I just don’t know why he would lie to me about it.”

  “I hate to say it, but you’re lying to him, too.”

  “This is different.”

  “It isn’t and you know it. You can’t expect him to be open with you if you aren’t open with him. It goes both ways, babe.”

  “I know it does.”

  “Just, stay the night here and think about it and see how you feel in the morning. This couch is yours as long as you need it. I’d much rather have you here than Jake’s gross friends.”

  “Thanks, Meg. I don’t know what I would have done.”

  “You’re a resourceful girl. You would have figured something out.”

  “Thanks.”

  “Goodnight.”

  “Night.”

  I slept horribly on the sofa, but I told Megan I slept great. Jake tried not to make a lot of noise when he came home at six from his graveyard shift, but he couldn’t help it. I got up as soon as I could in the morning. I didn’t have any early classes and neither did Megan, so we had pancakes and talked some more.

  “Any revelations after a night of sleep?” she said.

  “Nope. But my voicemail box is full on my phone, and I have about a million texts that I haven’t read.”

  “Maybe you should talk to him. Work things out.”

  “I just don’t know if we can. There are just too many things in our way.”

  “Things you put there.”

  “Exactly. Meg, you know I can’t do it. I just can’t. Not even for him.”

  “You know everyone has secrets. Some are bigger than others, but it seems like he’s got one equally as big as yours. So why don’t you swap and call it even? Why let that stand in the way of something that could be amazing?”

  The thing was that I didn’t have a good answer. Letting Hunter in on my secret didn’t seem so big anymore.

  Seeing the look on his face last night was terrible. It put me in a dark place that I’d thought I’d crawled out of years ago. I just didn’t think I was ready.

  There was a knock at the door, and Megan went to answer it.

  “I’m not going to let you in. It’s up to her,” she said, moving the door so I could see who it was.

  Hunter. With his guitar.

  “Please. Just listen. I… I’m so sorry. I’ve been trying to figure out how I could show you, and this was all I could come up with. You don’t have to do anything but listen. Just listen.”

  Megan looked at me, and I nodded.

  “I’ll be in the kitchen. Just scream if you need anything and I’ll be there with a knife or two.”

  “Thanks.” I turned my attention back to Hunter and his guitar.

  “You can stay on the porch. Like how you left me on the floor outside our room.”

  “I didn’t know what else to do. You found the check, and I panicked.”

  “That isn’t an excuse.”

  “I know. And I’m not saying that this is going to make up for it. I’m going to try, really try, to make you trust me again. I want you
to trust me. I just… I couldn’t sleep last night without you. It was the strangest thing, being in the room alone without you. I couldn’t hear you breathing, and your laughter was gone and you were gone, and it was like a part of my life was missing. A big part. I tripped going to the bathroom and banged my head. See?” He pointed to a lovely gash on his forehead. “And then I burned my hand on the toaster oven. And then my car wouldn’t start. Again. I’ve never had such bad luck in my life.”

  He brought the guitar around and settled it so he could play.

  “I’ve been thinking about this song since I closed the door on you. I was going to come and see you last night, but I wanted to give you space.”

  I waited.

  “So, here is part one of my apology.”

  He strummed the guitar in a familiar melody and started to sing.

  It was Honey, Come Home by The Head and the Heart. The lyrics were about a married couple where the husband was begging the wife to come back. He’d done the dishes and cleaned the house, and all he wanted was to lie next to her, with the one he loved.

  He’d done a new arrangement that was both sad and beautiful. I melted into the music and Hunter’s voice and I could see it. I could see us, washing the dishes and waking up tangled up in him in the morning. It was so close I could taste it. I could taste his lips on mine.

  When he ended the song he looked at me.

  “Can I come in?”

  “I don’t trust you.”

  “I know, Missy. But I don’t trust you either. You’ve got a secret, too. You’ve been pushing me away to keep it. I pushed you away to keep mine.”

  “You were so angry. I was scared of you.”

  “I was scared of me, too.”

  “Are you going to tell me?”

  “If that’s what it will take to get you to come home. Yes. You might not like it, but if you want to know that badly, then yes.”

  “Okay then. You can come in.”

  “Are you okay in there?” Megan said.

  “We’re good,” I called back.

  “Okay, I’m going to take a shower. The knives are right here if you need them.” Moments later I heard the water clunk to life, and Megan humming.