Zip, Zero, Zilch

  I make my way out to my seat, and I see that my sisters have already done their job because all the people sitting around are holding signs down by their feet, and they cheer when I show up. I duck my head and grin. I’m so embarrassed. A few people pat me on the shoulder as I walk into the center of them all.

  “I guess they’re all ready, huh?” I ask Star.

  “Primed and ready,” she says. She grins. “I am so jealous.”

  I snort. “Because I’m about to make a spectacle of myself?”

  Her face softens. “No, because you’re in love.”

  I blink back tears.

  I watch the clock, and two minutes before the two-minute warning that will signal the commercial break time out before the end of the half, everyone in our section stands up and holds their signs up above their heads. From a distance, it looks like a solid sign. The crowd in our section starts to chant, “Fifty-one! Look over here!” Stomp! Stomp! “Fifty-one! Look over here!” Stomp! Stomp!

  They chant it until it spreads to other sections and people start to point and pick up the sound. You can hear it roar around the stadium. The Jumbotron picks us up, and I see my section on the big screen. The signs, when all put together, read: 51, look here!

  A smaller screen near us pans to Sam. He’s pacing back and forth down the sideline, and he’s not even looking in our direction. But then one of his teammates smacks him on the shoulder and he looks toward me. He stops.

  He unstraps his helmet, pulls it from his head and stares up at me.

  Star motions for everyone in our section to be quiet, and they all lower their signs. Emily swipes a tear from her cheek and says, “Go for it.” Logan wraps an arm around her and Kit and holds them tight. Logan is grinning like a fool, though.

  The camera guy is right in front of me. “Forty-five seconds,” he reminds me. I see my image on the big screen and one of the guys on the field points to it, so Sam looks in that direction.

  I hold up my signs. I have them grouped in order, one after the other. I show the first one.

  I love you, 51!

  I flip to the next.

  I don’t want to be just a Zero anymore.

  Flip.

  I want to be a Zero-plus-one.

  Flip.

  Or a Zero-plus-two.

  Flip.

  Maybe even a Zero-plus-three.

  Flip.

  I want to make little cupcakes with you.

  Flip.

  Only you.

  Flip.

  Forever.

  Flip.

  Check yes or no.

  I take this last card and walk out of my section. I have hands of people I don’t even know reaching out to steady me, and they’re all saying encouraging things. The camera guy runs along behind me, cursing as he chases me down the stairs.

  I run with my last card all the way down to the bottom bleacher and I lean over the side, holding it down against the concrete block wall. I pull a marker from my pocket and hold it out, too.

  Then I wait. It’s the longest forty-five seconds of my life.

  Sam stands completely still.

  He scratches his head.

  His teammates say things to him and he still stands there.

  The clock is ticking. Maybe he doesn’t want what I want after all.

  Then he starts to run toward me. He jogs in my direction, and my heart is in my throat. I have tears running down my face, and I don’t care.

  When he gets to the wall, he stares up at me. There’s no way he can come up this high, so I drop the board with the check boxes and the pen on the ground in front of him. He grins up at me and lays the board on the grass. He takes the pen and starts to check a box. Then he stops and looks up. Then he moves like he’s finally going to do it. Then he stops and looks up. I’m going to kick his ass if he keeps messing with me. Then he checks the yes box and holds the board up for the whole stadium to see.

  The buzzer goes off and he has to run with his teammates back onto the field to play the last two minutes of the half. When that’s over, just before he goes into the tunnel, he turns back and flashes me the I love you sign, along with a big smile. My heart settles.

  I can’t wipe the grin from my face as I go back to my seat and sit down. Marta lays a hand on my back. “I knew you could do it,” she says.

  “I’m glad you did, because I wasn’t sure.”

  For the rest of the game, I accept congratulations from complete strangers. It’s chaotic and wonderful and at the center of it all, there is a sense of peace. Of wellbeing. A feeling like I am where I should be.

  Sam

  I step out of the locker room and run into one of my teammates. My hair is damp from my shower and I don’t care. I just want to see her. I can’t imagine how tough that was for her to make a public declaration like that. She has more balls than I gave her credit for.

  “Dude,” my teammate says. “Watch where you’re going.” But he’s grinning. “You still got your head in the clouds.”

  I grin. “Yeah.”

  Then I turn the corner and I see her standing there. She’s leaning against the wall, her hip hitched against the concrete. Her coat is slung over her crossed arms, and she smiles shyly at me when she sees me. I hold up the check-yes-or-no sign, because I saved it. I’m going to keep it forever. Her cheeks go rosy. She ducks her head like she’s suddenly shy.

  I’m grinning like a damn fool, and I don’t care.

  I jog over to her and stop just before I can touch her.

  “Hi,” she says.

  “What’s up?” I reply, but I can’t smother my grin.

  “I don’t know.” She rolls a rock with the toe of her shoe.

  “I’m glad you’re here,” I tell her. I push a lock of hair behind her ear.

  “Are you?” Her voice is so quiet that I can barely hear her.

  I nod.

  Then I grab her. I can’t help it. I grab her and pull her against me. I need to feel her, to touch her, to smell her. I kiss her, because I really need to taste her. I hear the tiny little noises she makes when she’s excited, and she growls against my lips.

  The coach barks out, “Knock it off, Reed!”

  I lift my head, but I imagine I have stars flying around my head like Sylvester the cat after he gets hit with a rolling pin.

  “But she’s Mrs. Reed, coach!” I call back.

  “Congratulations,” he says drolly. But he’s smiling too. “Now get a room.”

  My phone dings in my pocket. I pull it out and laugh. It’s a text from Paul.

  I show her the phone and she blushes. Use a condom, it says.

  “Hope you have a whole box,” she whispers.

  My eyebrows are probably near my hairline at that remark. I grab her hand and take her to the exit, where we catch a cab back to the hotel. “When do you leave?” I ask.

  “In the morning,” she says sadly.

  “Me too.” I pull her legs across my lap because I just can’t stop touching her.

  “How’s your leg?” she asks.

  I nod. “Better.”

  I nuzzle my nose into her neck and she giggles. She touches my eye, which is still a little purple from her father’s fist. “Sorry about that,” she says.

  I shake my head. “Don’t be. When we have a kid, I’m going to be the same way.”

  “So…” she says slowly.

  “So…you want to make cupcakes with me, huh?” I grin.

  “Yep. I want to adopt one, too.”

  I nod and pull her closer. “Okay.”

  We get to the hotel room finally. She doesn’t wait. She starts stripping off her clothes. She’s not bashful at all. Not a bit. When she’s naked, she struts over to me. “So…you want to start on those cupcakes tonight?”

  I pick her up and toss her onto the bed. “Hell yeah.”

  She’s so beautiful, all spread out on my bed. Her breasts are heavy and they hang to the side a little. She spreads her thighs while I watch and dips her finger into her
pussy, then brings it up and swirls it around her clit.

  I fall onto the bed between her thighs and replace her hand with my lips. She threads her fingers into my hair, and the little noises she’s making nearly undo me. I arch my hips against the bed, trying to soothe my aching dick. I haven’t so much as even thought about coming since the last time I saw her, and my balls are aching to sink inside her. And immediately disgrace myself.

  I part her folds with my fingers and suck her clit into my mouth, lapping at it with insistence while I suckle her tender flesh. She cries out, and I slide two fingers inside her. Almost immediately, she squeezes around my fingers and comes. Her hands in my hair hold me against her pussy, and I make my lips more tender as she comes down from her orgasm.

  “Forgive me in advance,” I tell her, as I hold her legs wide and push my way inside her. I bring her feet together on my left shoulder, and she’s so tight like this that I can barely get inside her. “But I’m going to come really quick.”

  My balls tickle and I can already feel the pull of my orgasm, and I try to hold off, but then she takes my finger into her mouth and sucks on it while I fuck her, and I need to come.

  “Can I come inside you?” I ask.

  She pants. But she nods. And I do.

  I feel like she has split me open and laid me bare. Like she’s seeing every part of me as I pour myself into her.

  I let her legs drop, then I fall to her side, and she rolls toward me.

  I flip over to face her and draw a circle on her bicep. “I’m really sorry,” I tell her, but she covers my mouth with her hand.

  “It’s okay.”

  “It’s not.” It’s really not.

  “It’s okay.”

  “I misunderstood and I should have given you time to explain.” She’s still and she listens as I explain my thoughts that day. I thought she cheated. And I know she didn’t. If anybody knows how the tabloids can skew a story, it’s me. “I’m sorry,” I say again when I’m done.

  “I love you,” she says. She kisses me.

  “I love you too.” I kiss her back. “Can you stay tonight?”

  She nods. “You can’t get rid of me that easily.”

  “I don’t want to ever get rid of you.” I brush her hair back. I lean close and sniff her. I’ve missed everything about her. “You smell so good.”

  I roll her beneath me and take her nipple into my mouth. When she starts to squirm under me, I lift my head. “If you thought you were going to get any sleep tonight, you were wrong.”

  She laughs. “I like being wrong,” she says as she reaches down between my legs.

  Sam

  He’s only supposed to have one person with him, because of the amount of distraction lots of people can provide, but the audiologist lets us all go in the room with him. They even bring in more chairs for us all. He told us he didn’t need for us all to be there.

  “Where you go, we go,” Paul says.

  Emily is the only woman here. All the others opted to stay home, because the room just wasn’t big enough for all of us. So it’s me, Pete, Paul, and Matt, along with Emily and Kit. Kit’s playing with some toys that Emily dropped in the corner of the room.

  Logan’s knees are jumping with nervousness, and I’m not sure he could sit still if he tried.

  I remember when Logan lost his hearing. Our mom was devastated and worried and hopeful all at once. But she rushed right out and bought videos to teach us all sign language. We learned to sign and we learned how to live with a deaf person, how to adjust to his new life. But for us, Logan was just Logan, and we did what it took to communicate with him, and we didn’t see it as more difficult than that.

  This cochlear implant will certainly be a change, that’s for sure.

  The audiologist attaches the receiver using a magnet they implanted in Logan’s head. “So you can’t walk through metal detectors anymore, huh?” Pete asks.

  Logan rolls his eyes at him and he puts on the behind the ear microphones. They look a lot like his hearing aids do.

  Logan’s knee is still bobbing up and down, and Emily covers it with her hand. She’s sitting right beside him. He stops moving and looks at her. She stares back, and so much love passes between them that it makes me want to go home to Peck. Right this very second.

  “You okay?” Paul asks Logan. He signs while he talks.

  “Scared,” Logan says back.

  “I’m going to play a series of clicks for you, and I want you to tell me when you hear them, okay?” The audiologist waits for him to nod.

  The room goes completely silent, and even Paul is holding his breath.

  Logan’s head jerks when he hears the clicks. “I hear it,” he says.

  “Good,” the audiologist says. “Is it loud?”

  “No. Very quiet.” He grins. “My voice is loud, though. Really loud.” He looks at Emily. “Is my voice always this loud, Em?” He blushes. “I can hear my voice.”

  “It’s going to sound really loud to you until you get used to it.” The audiologist adjusts some knobs. “I’m going to play some beeps. Tell me when you hear them.”

  Logan’s leg starts to jump again, and Emily covers it with her hand. He grabs her fingers and squeezes tight, smiling at her. His head jerks again and he laughs. “I hear it.” He looks at everyone else. “Do you hear it, too?”

  Paul nods. “We hear it.”

  “Holy cow!” Logan yells. “Is that your voice?” He stares at Paul.

  I watch Paul as he blinks. His eyes form shallow little puddles and he looks away. “Yeah, that’s my voice.” He clears his throat. I look over at Pete and try to catch his eye so I can make fun of Paul tearing up, but he’s swiping a hand across his cheek.

  Logan grins. “I can hear you talking.”

  “It’s going to take some time to get used to the sounds,” the audiologist tells me. “You’ll learn what sounds go with what items in the coming months. There might be sounds you don’t recognize at all.”

  He points to Paul. “I heard his voice.” Then Logan’s eyes well up. “Sometimes I dream of your voice, Paul,” he says. “It doesn’t sound like that at all right now, but I still know it’s you.”

  Paul gets up and goes to look out the window, facing the other way.

  Matt pulls a tissue from a box on the desk and blots his face, and then he passes the box around. He has been videoing the whole thing so Logan will have it later.

  Logan turns to Emily. She’s actually holding it together a lot better than the men in the room. I blow my nose into a tissue as he tells her, “Talk to me, Em. Say something.”

  She reaches out and cups the side of his face. “Oh, Logan,” she says. And a tear finally falls over her lashes and down her cheek. “I love you so much.”

  “I love you too,” he says back.

  And finally, he drops his head into his hands and cries.

  Paul pushes the tissue box into his hands and kneels down in front of him. “You okay?” he asks gently.

  “Yeah.” Logan breathes out a heavy sigh. “I didn’t expect to be this emotional.”

  “Neither did we,” Pete adds. He coughs to clear his thick throat.

  Kit gets up and walks over to Logan, and she pats his arm. He looks down at her. “Hi,” he says.

  So far, she’s only said ma ma ma ma ma ma and some other simple sounds. But she’s never said anything else. She holds out her toy and he takes it from her. He picks her up and puts her on his knee. “Da da da da da da,” she says.

  Logan’s eyes roam quickly from one of us to another. “Did you hear that?”

  “Did you hear that?” the audiologist asks.

  “She said da da da da da.” He’s almost shivering with emotion. I can feel it all the way in my seat.

  “Yes, she did.”

  Kit shakes her toy and Logan jumps. He takes it from her and shakes it again. “That was this?” He gives it back to her. “It’s loud.”

  “Now you see why I don’t want to buy her things wi
th batteries,” Emily tosses out.

  “I see it. And I hear it.” Logan grins.

  The audiologist goes through some things with Logan, and we all pay attention, because we want to know all we can. But what we leave with is Logan, and he’s hearing. He may not hear the same way we do, but he can hear sounds.

  “The birds are singing?” he asks as he we walk outside.

  A car horn blares from the street and he jumps about a foot in the air. “What was that?”

  “Car.” Matt pats his shoulder. “Speaking of which, we need to get a cab.”

  Logan looks at Emily. “You feel like walking back?”

  Kit is in her stroller and she’s all warm in her winter coat. “Sure.” She grins. “We can walk all you want.”

  Logan steps on a metal drain on the cement, and it makes a noise. He stops and rocks his foot so that it will do it again. “That’s cool,” he says.

  Paul says, “Thanks for letting us come with you.”

  “Where I go, you go. Where you go, I go.” Logan grabs Paul and hugs him.

  “Always,” Paul says close to his ear.

  Logan’s eyes close for a second. Then he says, “Always.”

  Oh fuck, now they’re going to make me cry.

  “You guys should grab a cab,” Logan says.

  Paul shakes his head. “We’ll walk with you.”

  And the five of us, and Emily and Kit, start walking. Logan stops to figure out noises as we go, and it’s like watching him experience it all for the first time. I wouldn’t have missed it for the world.

  Epilogue

  Peck

  Sam puts the finishing touches on a plate and slides it toward a waiter, who takes it and dashes out of the kitchen to go serve it.

  “There’s a line around the building. Again,” Paul says as he walks into the kitchen. He has a towel slung over his arm and a notepad in his hand. “I need one special and one Chicken Parmigiana.” He passes the order to Sam and Sam growls.

  “I wish they would try some of the new items on the menu.”

  Paul shrugs. “They know what they like.”