Mules and Men

  “Aw, nobody ain’t studyin’ bout yuh. Jus’ cause you done set round and growed ruffles round yo’ hips nobody can’t mention fat ’thout you makin’ out they talkin’ bout you. Ah wuzn’t personatin’ yuh, but if de cap fit yuh, wear it.”

  “G’wan Mack, you knows dat a very little uh yo’ sugar sweetens mah tea. Don’t git me started.”

  “G’wan start something if dats de way yuh feel. You kin be stopped. Now you tryin’ to make somebody believe you so bad till you have tuh tote uh pistol tah bed tuh keep from gettin’ in uh fight wid yo’ self! You got mo’ poison in yuh than dat snake dat wuz so poison tell he bit de railroad track and killed de train, hunh?”

  “Don’t y’all break dis lyin’ contest up in no fight,” Christopher Jenkins said.

  Mah Honey laughed scornfully. “Aw, tain’t gointer be no fight. Good Bread jus’ feel lak bull woofin’ uh little t’night. Her likker told her tuh pick uh fight but let Mack make uh break at her now, and there’ll hafta be some good runnin’ done befo’ dat fight come off. Tain’t nothin’ tuh her. She know she ugly. She look lak de devil ground up in pieces.”

  Good Bread jumped up with her pocket knife out. “Who y’all tryin tuh double teen? Trying tuh run de hawg over de wrong one now.”

  “Aw set down Good Bread, and put dat froe back in yo’ pocket. Somebody’s liable tuh take dat ole piece uh knife you got and wear it out round yo’ own neck.”

  “Dats what Ah say,” Christopher put in. “She always tryin’ tuh loud talk somebody. Ah hates women wid men’s overalls on anyhow.”

  “Let her holler all she wants tuh,” Ford added off-hand. “Dis is uh holler day. She kin whoop lak de Seaboard and squall lak de A.C.L. Nobody don’t keer, long as she don’t put her hand on me. Sho as she do dat Ahm gointer light her shuck for her.”

  Good Bread got to her feet importantly as if she was going to do something. For a fraction of a second I held my breath in fear. Nobody else paid it the least bit of mind. Good Bread flounced on off.

  “Ahm glad she gone,” said Mah Honey. “She always pickin’ fights and gittin beat. Dat ’oman hates peace and agreement.” He looked after her a moment then yelled after her. “Hey, lady, you got all you’ bust in de back!” Everybody laughed and Mah Honey went on. “She so mad now she’ll stay way and let Mack tell Zora some lies. Gwan, Mack, you got de business.”

  “Aw, Ah feel lak singin’,” Mack Ford said.

  “Well nobody don’t feel lak hearin’ yuh, so g’wan tell dat lie on Big Sixteen. Ah never gits tired uh dat one.”

  “You ruther hear uh story, Zora?”

  “Yeah, g’wan tell it. Dats jus’ what Ah’m here for.”

  “Well alright then:

  It was slavery time, Zora, when Big Sixteen was a man. They called ’im Sixteen ’cause dat was de number of de shoe he wore. He was big and strong and Ole Massa looked to him to do everything.

  One day Ole Massa said, “Big Sixteen, Ah b’lieve Ah want you to move dem sills Ah had hewed out down in de swamp.”

  “I yassuh, Massa.”

  Big Sixteen went down in de swamp and picked up dem 12 X 12’s and brought ’em on up to de house and stack ’em. No one man ain’t never toted a 12 X 12 befo’ nor since.

  So Ole Massa said one day, “Go fetch in de mules. Ah want to look ’em over.”

  Big Sixteen went on down to de pasture and caught dem mules by de bridle but they was contrary and balky and he tore de bridles to pieces pullin’ on ’em, so he picked one of ’em up under each arm and brought ’em up to Old Massa.

  He says, “Big Sixteen, if you kin tote a pair of balky mules, you kin do anything. You kin ketch de Devil.”

  “Yassuh, Ah kin, if you git me a nine-pound hammer and a pick and shovel!”

  Ole Massa got Sixteen de things he ast for and tole ’im to go ahead and bring him de Devil.

  Big Sixteen went out in front of de house and went to diggin’. He was diggin’ nearly a month befo’ he got where he wanted. Then he took his hammer and went and knocked on de Devil’s door. Devil answered de door hisself.

  “Who dat out dere?”

  “It’s Big Sixteen.”

  “What you want?”

  “Wanta have a word wid you for a minute.”

  Soon as de Devil poked his head out de door, Sixteen lammed him over de head wid dat hammer and picked ’im up and carried ’im back to Old Massa.

  Ole Massa looked at de dead Devil and hollered, “Take dat ugly thing ’way from here, quick! Ah didn’t think you’d ketch de Devil sho ’nuff.”

  So Sixteen picked up de Devil and throwed ’im back down de hole.

  Way after while, Big Sixteen died and went up to Heben. But Peter looked at him and tole ’im to g’wan ’way from dere. He was too powerful. He might git outa order and there wouldn’t be nobody to handle ’im. But he had to go somewhere so he went on to hell.

  Soon as he got to de gate de Devil’s children was playin’ in de yard and they seen ’im and run to de house, says, “Mama, mama! Dat man’s out dere dat kilt papa!”

  So she called ’im in de house and shet de door. When Sixteen got dere she handed ’im a li’l piece of fire and said, “You ain’t comin’ in here. Here, take dis hot coal and g’wan off and start you a hell uh yo’ own.”

  So when you see a Jack O’Lantern in de woods at night you know it’s Big Sixteen wid his piece of fire lookin’ for a place to go.

  “Give us somethin’ to wet our goozles wid, and you kin git some lies, Zora,” Jenkins prompted. I stood treats.

  “Now g’wan, Mack, and lie some more,” I said, and he remarked:

  “De mosquitoes mighty bad right now, but down there on de East Coast they used to ’em. Know why we got so many skeeters heah and why we have so many storms?”

  “Naw, but Ah’d love to know,” I answered eagerly.

  Well, one Christmas time, God was goin’ to Palatka. De Devil was in de neighborhood too and seen God goin’ long de big road, so he jumped behind a stump and hid. Not dat he was skeered uh God, but he wanted to git a Christmas present outa God but he didn’t wanta give God nothin’.

  So he squatted down behind dis stump till God come along and then he jumped up and said, “Christmas gift!”

  God just looked back over his shoulder and said, “Take de East Coast,” and kept on walkin’. And dat’s why we got storms and skeeters—it’s de Devil’s property.

  I should mention it is a custom in the deep South for the children to go out Christmas morning “catching” people by saying “Christmas gift.” The one who says it first gets a present from the other. The adults usually prepare for this by providing plenty of hard candy, nuts, coconuts, fruits and the like. They never try to catch the neighbors’ children but let themselves be caught.

  “Ah know one mo’ story on de devil. Reckon Ah’ll tell it now.

  “One day de Devil was walkin’ along when he met Raw Head.”

  “Who is Raw Head?” I interrupted to ask. “Ah been hearin’ his name called all my life, but never did find out who he was.”

  “Why, Zora! Ah thought everybody knowed who Raw Head was. Why he was a man dat was more’n a man. He was big and strong like Big Sixteen and he was two-headed. He knowed all de words dat Moses used to make. God give ’im de power to bring de ten plagues and part de Red Sea. He had done seen de Smokey Mountain and de Burnin’ Bush. And his head didn’t have no hair on it, and it sweated blood all de time. Dat’s why he was named Raw Head.”2 Then Mr. Ford told the following story:

  As Ah started to say, de Devil met Raw Head and they passed de time of day. Neither one wasn’t skeered of de other, so they talked about de work they been doin’.

  Raw Head said he had done turnt a man into a ground puppy. Devil said he been havin’ a good time breakin’ up couples. All over de world de Devil had husbands and wives fightin’ and partin’.

  Tol ’im says, “Devil, youse my cousin and Ah know you got mo’ power than me, but Ah know one couple you can’t part.
They lives cross de big creek in my district, and Ah done everything Ah could but nothin’ can’t come between ’em.”

  Devil says, “Dat’s because de right one ain’t tried yet. Ah kin part any two people. Jus’ like Ah kin throw ’em together. You show ’em to me and Ah betcha half of hell Ah’ll have ’em fightin’ and partin’ befo’ Sunday.”

  So de Devil went to where dis couple lived and took up ’round de house.

  He done everything he could but they wouldn’t fight and they wouldn’t part. Devil was real outdone. He had never had such a tussle since they throwed him outer Heben, and it was Friday. He seen he was ’bout to lose half of his kingdom and have to go back on his brag.

  He was ’bout to give up and go somewhere else dat night when he met a woman as barefooted as a yard-dog. They spoke and she says, “You don’t look so good. You been down sick?”

  Devil told her, “Naw, but Ah been tryin’ to break up dat lovin’ couple up de road a piece there, but Ah can’t do it.”

  De woman says, “Aw shucks, is dat all? Tell you whut: Ah ain’t never had a pair of shoes in my life and if you promise to give me a pair of shoes tonight Ah’ll part ’em for you.”

  “If you part ’em you get de shoes, and good ones at dat. But you got to do it first.”

  “Don’t you worry ’bout dat, you jus’ meet me at dat sweet-gum tree on de edge of de swamp tomorrer evenin’ and bring de shoes.”

  Next mornin’ she got up soon and went past de place to see where de man was workin’ at. He was plowin’ way off from de house. So she spoke to ’im nice and polite and went on up to de house where de wife was.

  De wife asted her in and give her a chair. She took her seat and begin to praise everything on de place. It was de prettiest house she ever seen. It was de bes’ lookin’ yard in dat part of the state. Dat was de finest dawg she ever laid eyes on. Nobody never had no cat as good as dat one was.

  De wife thanked her for all her compliments and give her a pound of butter.

  De woman told her, “Everything you got is pretty, but youse de prettiest of all.”

  De wife is crazy ’bout her husband and she can’t stand to see him left out so she say, “My husband is prettier than Ah ever dared to be.”

  “Oh, yeah, he’s pretty too. Almost as pretty as you. De only thing dat spoil his looks is dat long flesh-mole on his neck. Now if dat was off he’d be de prettiest man in de world.”

  De wife says, “Ah thinks he’s already de prettiest man in de world, but if anything will make ’im mo’ prettier still, Ah will too gladly do it.”

  “Well, then, you better cut dat big ole mole offa his neck.”

  “How kin Ah do dat? He skeered to cut it off. Say he might bleed to death.”

  “Aw naw, he won’t neither. He won’t lose more’n a drop of blood if you cut it off right quick wid a sharp razor and then wipe cob-web on de place. It’s a pity he won’t let you do it ’cause it sho do spoil his looks.”

  “If Ah knowed jus’ how to do it, Ah sho would, ’cause Ah love him so and he is too pretty a man to be spoilt by a mole.”

  “Why don’t you take de razor to bed wid you tonight. Then when he gets to sleep, you chop it off right quick and fix it lak Ah told you. He’ll thank you for it next day.”

  De wife thanked de woman and give her a settin’ of eggs and de woman told her good-bye and went on down to de field where de husband was plowin’, and sidled up to him. “Good mornin’ suh, you sho is a hard-workin’ man.”

  “Yes ma’am, Ah works hard but Ah loves to work so Ah kin do for my wife. She’s all Ah got.”

  “Yeah, and she sho got a man when she got you. ’Tain’t many mens dat will hit from sun to sun for a woman.”

  The man said, “Sho ain’t. But ain’t no man got no wife as good as mine.”

  De woman spit on de ground and said, “It’s good for a person’s mind to be satisfied. But lovin’ a person don’t make them love you. And youse a pitiful case.”

  “Why you say dat? Ain’t I got de prettiest wife in de world. And what make it so cool, she’s de sweetest wife God ever made.”

  “All Ah got to say is ‘Watch out.’”

  “Watch out for what? My wife don’t need no watchin’. She’s pretty, it’s true, but Ah don’t have to watch her.”

  “Somebody else done found out she pretty too and she’s gointer gid rid of you. You better keep a close watch on her and when you go to bed tonight, make out you sleep and see if she don’t try to cut yo’ throat wid a razor!”

  “Git off dis place—lyin’ on my wife?”

  De woman hid in de bushes outside de fence row and watched. Sho nuff, pretty soon he knocked off and went on towards de house. When he got dere he searched all over de place to see if anybody was there besides his wife. He didn’t find nothin’ but he watched everybody dat passed de gate, and he didn’t say nothin’ to his wife.

  Dat night he got in bed right after supper and laid there wid his eyes shut. De wife went and got his razor and slipped it to bed wid her. When she thought he was good and sleep she got de cob-web in one hand and de razor in de other and leaned over him to cut his mole off. He had de cover up ’round his neck and soon as she started to ease it back he opened his eyes and grabbed her and took de razor.

  “Unh, hunh! Ah was told you was goin’ to cut my throat, but Ah didn’t b’lieve it. From now on, we ain’t no mo’ husband and wife.”

  He dressed and left her cryin’ in de bed.

  De woman run on down to de sweet-gum tree to git her shoes. De Devil come brought ’em but he took and cut a long sapling and tied de shoe to de end of it and held ’em out to de woman and told her, “You parted ’em all right. Here’s de shoes I promised you. But anybody dat kin create mo’ disturbance than me is too dangerous. Ah don’t want ’em round me. Here, take yo’ shoes.” And soon as she took ’em he vanished.

  Horace Sharp said, “You lemme tell one now, Mack; you been talkin’ all night. Tell yuh bout de farmer courtin’ a girl.

  Well, the startin’ of it is, a farmer was courtin’ a girl and after he decided to marry her, they married and started home. So when he passed a nice farm he said to the girl: “You see dat nice farm over yonder?” She said, “Yes.” He said: “Well, all of these are mine.” (Strokes his whiskers.)

  Well, they traveled on further and they saw a herd of cattle and he said, “See dat nice herd of cattle?” She said. “Yes.” “Well, all of these are mine.” He smoothed his whiskers again.

  So he traveled on a piece further and come to a big plantation with a big nice house on it, and he said: “All of these are mine.”

  So he traveled on further. He said, “See dat nice bunch of sheep?” She said, “Yes.” “Well, all of these are mine.”

  Traveled on further. Come across a nice bunch of hogs and he said: “See dat nice bunch of hogs?” “Yes.” “Well, all of these are mine.”

  So the last go ’round he got home and drove up to a dirty li’l shack and told her to get out and come in.

  She says, “You got all those nice houses and want me to come in there? I couldn’t afford to come in here. Why you told me a story. I’m going back home.”

  He says, “Why no, I didn’t tell you a story. Everytime I showed you those things I said ‘all of these were mine’ and Ah wuz talkin’ bout my whiskers.” So the girl jumped out of the wagon and out for home she went.

  Goat fell down and skint his chin

  Great God A’mighty how de goat did grin.

  “You do pretty good, Horace,” Mah Honey drawled, “but how come you want to stick in yo’ bill when Mack is talkin’? Dat story you told ain’t doodly squat.”

  “Less see you tell one better’n dat one, then,” Horace slashed back.

  “Oh Ah can’t tell none worth listenin’ tuh and you can’t neither. Only difference in us is Ah know Ah can’t and you don’t. Dat lie you told is po’ ez owl harkey. Gwan tell some mo’ Mack. Maybe somebody’ll come long and help yuh out after while.” r />
  “Ah thought Horace’s story wuz jus’ alright,” Lessie Lee Hudson said. “Can’t eve’ybody talk de same.”

  “Course it wuz!” Horace yelled, “it wuz alright wid everybody ’ceptin Mah Honey. He’s a nigger wid white folks’ head—let him tell it. He make out he know every chink in China.”

  “What you gointer do?” Mah Honey asked. “Ah kin tell yuh fo’ yuh part yo’ lips. You ain’t gointer do nothin’ but mildew.”

  Somebody came along singing, “You Won’t Do,” and everybody looked round at one time like cows in a pasture. “Here come A.D. He kin lie good too. Hurry up, A.D. and help Mack out!”

  “What Mack doin’?”

  “Lyin’ up a breeze.”

  “Awright, lemme git in dis shag-lag. Who lied last?”

  “Mack. Youse next.”

  “Who all know what uh squinch owl3 is?” Frazier lit out.

  “Man, who you reckon it is, don’t know what dat bad luck thing is?” Christopher Jenkins asked. “Sign uh death every time you hear one hollerin round yo’ house. Ah shoots every one Ah kin find.”

  “You kin stop ’em without shootin’ ’em. Jus’ tie uh loose knot in uh string and every time he holler you pull de knot uh lil bit tighter. Dat chokes ’im. Keep on you choke ’im tuh death. Go out doors nex’ mawnin and look ahround you’ll find uh dead owl round dere somewhere.” Said Mah Honey.

  “All you need tuh do is turn somethin’ wrong side outuds, pull off yo’ coat and turn it or else you kin turn uh pocket,” Carrie Jones added. “Me, Ah always pull off uh stockin’ and turn it. Dat always drives ’im off.”

  “Throw some salt on de lamp or stick uh rusty fork in de floor will do de same thing. In fact its de best of all; Ah mean de salt in de lamp. Nothin’ evil can’t stand salt, let alone burnin’ salt.”

  “Lemme tell y’all how come we got squinch owls and then y’all kin talk all yuh please bout how tuh kill ’em and drive ’em off de house top in de night time,” said A.D.

  Yuh know Ole Marster had uh ole maid sister that never been married. You know how stringy white folks necks gits when dey gits ole. Well hers had done got that-a-way and more special cause she never been married.