The Gutbucket Quest

  “No,” Progress said calmly. “This one can play.”

  Slim saw Pickens’ hands clench tightly around the already crushed bundles of money as the piggy eyes turned and seemed to try to burn through him. “Well, I’ll have to keep an especially close eye on you.”

  “Don’t go to any trouble for me,” Slim mumbled. The man made him feel dirty and afraid.

  “No trouble at all,” Pickens said, turning back to Progress. “Well, Mister Hornsby, what’s you business here?”

  “Don’t be playin’ no games, T-Bone. You know what I’m here for. Where is it?”

  Pickens ignored the question. “Nadine,” he said. “Why don’t you dump these losers and come in with me?”

  Slim hadn’t had a reason to hate the man until that moment. But the feeling flared up inside him like a lightning bolt, shaking him and causing his fists to clench. He was going to say something, but Nadine spat on the white rug and said, “You? Don’t even think about me, you slimeass. I’d rather fuck your slave out there.”

  Pickens growled and the affable mask slipped once again. Showing clearly the greed and hatred that consumed him, he pointed his finger at Progress and shook it. “Old fool, you’ll never get the Gutbucket back. It’s mine, now.”

  Progress wasn’t fazed. “Take your finger out my face,” he said. “I s’pected that’d be your attitude. I guess there’s nothin’ for it. Come on, chillen. Time for us to be goin’.”

  They turned and headed for the door. Just before they reached it, Progress turned.

  “By the way,” he said. “We’re havin’ us a friendly little blues festival out at the river in a few days. Whyn’t you come on along and see some folks with real talent do it right.”

  That didn’t seem like much of a barb to Slim, but it scored on Pickens. “Get out! Get out” His voice was high-pitched and filled with rage.

  They left, quickly closing the door behind them. They heard something hit it on the other side, and Progress laughed all the long way down the elevator.

  8

  These brief flashes bring with them a great joy, a great beauty and a great uplift. They are, for most people, their first vivid awakening to the existence and reality of a spiritual order of being. The contrast with their ordinary state is so tremendous as to shame it into pitiful drabness. The intention is to arouse and stimulate them into the longing for re-entry into the spirit, a longing which inevitably expresses itself in the quest.

  —Paul Brunton, Introduction to Mystical Glimpses

  After an hour or so in the woods looking for mushrooms, Dad said “Well, we can always go and buy some real ones. “

  —John Cage

  After another hearty breakfast, Slim and Nadine were traveling alone in the pickup. Progress had said that there was important work he had to do in his garden. After a stop for gas, and ice and sodas Nadine packed in a chest, they headed west. The roads were rural and twisting. Sometimes Nadine, driving, took dirt roads, or paths that didn’t look like roads at all. Slim was glad of the sodas when he could wash the invading red dust from his throat.

  “Where are we going?” he asked nervously. It was the first time he and Nadine had been alone, and he wanted very desperately to try to start a friendship, a relationship.

  “We’re going to Tralfaz, to see Mother Phillips,” she answered. There was a strange smile on her face that spoke of things she wasn’t saying. “Daddy wants her to bless the festival.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  Nadine whoofed, exasperated. “Can you really be that stupid and live?”

  “Hey—”

  “Never mind. Sorry. I know you don’t know anything. I grew up here all my life, so I don’t take well to explaining things I think everyone knows. Daddy wants to call on the deep powers at the festival. So he has to start out with a blessing so that everything builds up the way he wants it.”

  “Why are we taking such a hard way to get there?”

  “In case anyone tries to follow us.”

  “Oh,” Slim said. “I guess that makes sense.”

  Nadine whoofed again. “Oh thanks,” she said. “I always appreciate a man that knows absolutely nothing telling me I know what I’m doing.”

  It wasn’t going well. Slim could tell that. No matter what he said, it seemed to be wrong.

  “Nadine?”

  “Yes?”

  “I’m sorry.”

  She sighed. “It’s okay,” she said. “But tell me something. How do you manage to be so inept?”

  “It’s easy,” Slim said. “I practice.”

  They both laughed then. It was the first time Slim had seen Nadine really smile. It was a beautiful smile.

  “Did Progress tell you where I came from?” he asked.

  “No. Just that you weren’t from around here.”

  Slim told her his story. He might have gotten a little carried away in his desire for her. Started a little too soon, told her a little too much about his problems with women and life. But he wanted her to know, and he soon got to the point where he’d been exploded into her world, and how confused he was about it. He almost told her he loved her. He wanted to, badly, but he was afraid.

  “That explains a lot of things,” she said, when he had finished.

  Slim was surprised. “You believe me?”

  “Daddy does, so I do, too. I’ve never known him to be wrong about a person. And you may be a lot of things, but I don’t think you’re a liar. Besides, you’re not used to this world. A lot of strange things happen here. Stranger than you.”

  They were suddenly driving through trees, not a common sight on the plains. The woods he had known in Texas were certainly not lush enough or green enough to give the impression of a forest like the one they were now in the middle of.

  “What the—”

  “It hits everybody that way when they first come to Tralfaz,” Nadine said. “They found an underground lake under the property. And there are streams and creeks all through here, so there’s always enough water to grow all this. Hey, it still gets brown in the winter, so don’t sweat it.”

  They followed a narrow dirt road through the trees. Slim was amazed to see small antelope and buffalo in the brush, along with what looked to be hundreds and hundreds of cats. “What’s with all the animals?” he asked.

  “Oh, Tralfaz is a kind of safe place. Mother Phillips doesn’t allow hunting here at all, and they’ll take in any kind of strays. The animals know it somehow, and they migrate here from all around. The people in town know it, too, so if they can’t keep their animals they bring them out here.”

  “That’s outstanding,” Slim said. “I like that a lot. You come out here often?”

  “As often as I can. I’m not exactly a member. But I like the people here. It’s a good place to be. I agree with the beliefs and I like the attitude.”

  “What do they believe?” Slim asked.

  Nadine smiled that mysterious smile again. “I don’t really want to tell you,” she said. “Once we get inside, you can ask Mother Phillips. She’ll be happy to tell you.”

  “Why didn’t Progress come with us?”

  Nadine’s smile turned to chuckles. “Daddy wouldn’t come out here for anything in the world. Mother Phillips has been after Daddy for years. I guess she’s been in love with him since they were young. Daddy likes her and there have been a few good times between them, but he isn’t looking to get connected with her just yet.”

  Nadine drove the pickup to what looked like a group of domes that had grown from the earth. Instead of wood or concrete, they were covered with soil and grass and wildflowers, surrounded by the oldest trees of all. They were huge, but not imposing.

  “Reference stop,” she said. “Everybody out.” She was still laughing, and Slim couldn’t figure out why.

  They walked through a doorway in the nearest dome, pulling a buffalo-skin cover aside, and were in a small bare room.

  “Take your clothes off,” Nadine said.

  ?
??What?"

  “Take your clothes off. No clothing allowed in Tralfaz.” Nadine was already undressing, so Slim did so as well. He had a difficult time because he couldn’t take his eyes off Nadine. She seemed totally at ease and, as she slipped her panties off, she stood and turned to look at Slim.

  “Come on,” she said, still smiling wickedly. “Get them off.”

  Slim took his pants off, and as he wore no underwear, was exposed to view. The sight of Nadine’s small breasts, her legs, her stomach, her puss, had put him into an embarrassing condition. He knew he had a nice face, and women had told him many times that he had a beautiful dick, but there wasn’t any other part of his body that he felt was attractive and this casual intimacy both excited and disturbed him. He wished adamantly that he could exert control over the single part of his body he knew it was useless to try to control.

  Nadine, however, was looking him over carefully, unselfconsciously as he stood there wondering what to do with his hands. She spent, he thought, an inordinate amount of time looking at his protruding dick, but there seemed to be a look of approval on her face.

  She walked up to him and patted his stomach. It made him jump.

  “Don’t worry,” she said. “I like big men. Come on, now. Let’s go see Mother Phillips.”

  She walked through another door. Slim followed, which did nothing to abate his embarrassing condition. It made it, in fact, even worse. But she had said she liked big men. That meant he had a chance. At least his rotundity wouldn’t stand in the way. Now, if only he could overcome his personality, he might have it made.

  He’d heard that people who spent time in nudist colonies soon got over the immediate sexual attraction. But as long as a naked Nadine was around him, Slim thought it highly unlikely that that condition would ever occur to him. As long as he could see—everything—it just got more desperate.

  They walked through several doors and buildings, following an increasing scent of earth and water, but Slim couldn’t have said what, if anything, the rooms contained. His attention was totally focused on Nadine’s shoulders, back, ass and legs and the way they all seemed to move so gracefully together. So he was unprepared when she stopped. He almost ran into her, which he thought could have been a wonderful disaster. When he was together enough to look around, he realized he was in a large, dome-shaped greenhouse. It was filled with young trees, plants, flowers and naked people who paid no attention to him and Nadine beyond an initial identifying glance. Most of them were working with the plants. Some were playing. The energy and attention seemed to circle around a very short, wrinkled old woman who sat on a small grassy hummock just ahead of them.

  The old woman looked up at them. She dismissed a little girl she had been talking to and stared at Slim as appraisingly as Nadine had. Then she smiled widely and genuinely. It made Slim uncomfortable in a way Nadine’s smile hadn’t. This old woman had power. He could feel it, but he didn’t understand it. It didn’t frighten him, but it was discomfiting.

  “Nadine” the old woman said with delight. “Welcome. Welcome. Who’s your handsome friend here?”

  “This is Slim Chance, Mother. We’ve come for an important thing.”

  Mother Phillips stood up easily and walked over to Nadine and hugged her. Then she walked to Slim.

  “Give me a hug, boy.”

  She reached out her arms and Slim hugged her fearfully. To his amazement, she reached down and slapped her hand around his dick, which by this time felt gigantic and obvious. He would have pulled away, but Mother Phillips seemed to exude an aura of goodness, mixed with a subtle threat, as if this were a test that Slim had to pass or go no further, either with Nadine or with this world.

  Mother Phillips released him with a smile and returned to her seat on the hummock. “Sit down, you two,” she said.

  Slim sat first and he swore that, if Nadine sat cross-legged, he would explode. She did. He didn’t, but it was a close call.

  “Nadine,” Mother Phillips said. “This is a good man. He’s a little desperate, but he’s got a good heart.” The old woman looked at him and her eyes seemed to pierce him. “Do you know he’s in love with you?” she said.

  Slim groaned out loud. Did everyone see his feelings? Nadine looked at him harshly.

  “Yes, I know,” she said. “But that doesn’t do me any good at all until he tells me.”

  Slim wanted to protest, to say something to turn the conversation away from himself, but Mother Phillips put her hand over his mouth.

  “He can’t,” she said. “I can feel inside him. He’s been hurt too bad, too many times. And he feels that he has something to prove to you.”

  “He does,” Nadine said, looking straight at him. “He’s a little slow, and I haven’t even heard him play guitar, yet.”

  “Is he a player?”

  “Daddy says he is. He took him on as his apprentice. But I have to see it for myself.”

  “That’s fair,” Mother Phillips said. “How is your daddy? Still ornery as ever?”

  “He’s good,” Nadine replied.

  “Tell him I said hello and he’s welcome here,” the old woman said. “I’m glad you’re giving this boy a fair chance to make it. For a minute I though you were being your mean old self.”

  “She is,” Slim blurted.

  Nadine turned on him angrily, but before she could say anything, Mother Phillips broke in and stopped it. “No, boy,” she said. “If she was, she’d never have brought you here. You’re the first man she’s ever brought here.”

  “Oh,” Slim said. “Sorry. Do you people always talk so—personal, here?”

  “Yes, I guess we do, at that. Without clothes, there’s little need to cover up other aspects of reality and life, so we do tend to get right to the heart of things. Our beliefs don’t allow for any other attitude.”

  “What is it you do believe?”

  Mother Phillips smiled and closed her eyes. “That’s a hard question. Basically, we believe in the two Mothers, the Goddess Without Name and our Mother the Earth. We celebrate life and love and lust, all the growing things. We believe in what we can see and feel and know. Past that, it’s hard to say. We’re just a community that loves life and freedom, sex and love and the enjoyment of the natural human being. Does that explain it for you?”

  “As well as anything,” Slim said, more confused than ever. “It’s at least something I can halfway agree with.”

  “Good,” the old woman said, turning back to Nadine. “Now that the air’s clear, tell me why you’ve come.”

  Slim and Nadine told Mother Phillips about the Gutbucket and about Progress’ plans. They told her about their meeting with T-Bone. The old woman hmm’d and scratched and oh my’d throughout the story, and when it was finished she shook her head sadly.

  “That’s bad,” she said. “That’s very bad. I don’t talk about it much, but Pickens has been after Tralfaz for years, trying to buy us out. He hates us, I think. Hates anything good that doesn’t make money. Wants to put more tall buildings here, I guess. So, yes, I will be more than happy to bring the whole community out to give the blessing for you.”

  “Thanks,” Slim said, feeling he needed to. He wasn’t sure why, but it felt an important thing to say at that moment.

  “Yes, thank you,” Nadine added. “You be careful, Mother. Daddy thinks T-bone’s liable to pull some tricks.”

  “Like the hand?”

  Nadine jumped. “You know?”

  “Caught a whiff of it.”

  “Am I missing something?” Slim asked, perplexed by this interchange.

  “Better tell him, girl,” Mother Phillips said gravely. “He has a right to know.”

  Nadine looked uncomfortable. “Daddy felt it best not to, right away, anyway.”

  “Tell me what?” Slim was getting uneasy.

  “Something ugly,” Nadine said. She looked at the old woman. “T-Bone can’t touch you, can he?”

  “No problem. We’re safe here. Can you kids stay for dinner? We
have fresh corn and some good buff tonight.”

  Slim wanted to find out what buffalo meat tasted like, and he would have liked to spend more time talking with Mother Phillips, not to mention enjoying his view of Nadine. But Nadine shook her head and said they had to go.

  She and Slim stood up and started back the way they had come. They didn’t talk, but Nadine took his hand and, again, Slim was oblivious to the surroundings. When they got back to the small room where they had started and began to put their clothes on, he was surprised to discover that his embarrassing condition had ceased to be a problem some time before.

  Nadine took a different route leaving Tralfaz. Slim could think of nothing to say to her. The image of her body was burnt into his mind, into his memory, his being. And she had acted as if she really might like him a little, as if he had a chance to earn her love. But she scared him, too. She was so strong, so independent, so clear on who and what she was. And Slim was so unclear on all those things. And what was this business about a hand, that made even Nadine nervous? He wanted to ask, but thought he’d better wait for her to tell him on her own.

  Remembering the conversation with Mother Phillips, Slim thought that a whole lot was depending on one thing he had, at the moment, a singular lack of confidence about. His playing. In his world, he knew he could hold his own. He was competent. Maybe not the best, but above average. But here in Tejas, where blues seemed to be the heart of the culture—where would he stand here? He knew that his playing rarely came from inside. It was all technique, all chops, little feeling. He wanted to express his feeling. Once in a while a note or two would linger and seem to go beyond him. But he needed to let himself out before he played for Nadine, or she would never love him. As they rode, he tried to remember something Progress had told him.

  “When you play it right,” Progress had said, “this hurts.” He’d grabbed his foot. “And this hurts.” He’d grabbed his heart. “And this hurts, too.” He’d then grabbed his crotch. “If it don’t move people, if it don’t make ‘em feel, then it don’t work. The most important thing is emotion. It’s easier to sit down and figure out what notes go with what chords and how fast you can play ‘em than it is to be askin’ yourself why you’re playin’ that song or what feelings you’re tryin’ to express or even why you’re playin’ at all. Them questions require that you be real honest with yourself. It ain’t about what you play, it comes down to what’s in your heart.”