Tales From a Not-So-Graceful Ice Princess

  BRIANNA THE BRAT?!

  YES! My nutty little sister, who I could always count on to be a total PAIN in the butt.

  “Chloe! I’ve got an idea! Dial my cell phone number! Quick! Before your phone dies!”

  “What? But why?” Chloe asked. “Didn’t you leave it in the dressing room? Everyone was supposed to be dressed and cleared out of there thirty minutes ago.”

  “I know! Just call! PLEASE! We’re running out of time! The show starts in ten minutes!”

  Chloe and Zoey stared at me like I was nuts.

  Finally Chloe shrugged, called my cell phone, and put it on speaker so we all could hear.

  It rang once. Twice. Then three times.

  I had set it up so that it would go to voice mail on the fifth ring.

  “Please answer! Please answer!” I pleaded aloud.

  It rang a fourth time. Then . . .

  “Hello! Who is this?” said a small, squeaky voice.

  Chloe and Zoey started screaming excitedly too.

  “Sorry, but this isn’t me,” Brianna continued. “I’m not home right now because I’m waiting for Nikki to skate. Please leave a message. Good-bye!”

  “NOOO! Don’t hang up!!” we all shouted desperately.

  “Please, Brianna! Listen to me! Don’t hang up!” I begged. “I was just calling to tell you that, um, you can play Princess Sugar Plum on my cell phone while we’re sliding on the ice, okay?”

  Long silence. “Really?”

  “Really!”

  “Goody gumdrops! Can Miss Penelope play too? I told her not to sneak your phone and play the Princess Sugar Plum game, but she did it anyway. It’s all HER fault, not mine. But she’s very sorry!”

  “Sure, Brianna, Miss Penelope can play too.”

  “Okay! Thanks! BYE!”

  “WAIT!!” I screamed. “I need to talk to Mom or Dad! It’s an emergency.”

  “Daddy went to go get me popcorn. And Mom is talking to that lady from ballet class with the big mouth. I’m not supposed to interrupt Mom again, or else. But guess who I see walking by? It’s BRANDON THE COOTIE GUY! Hi, Brandon the Cootie Guy! It’s me! We talked on the phone, remember?! Nikki was in the shower and that dead squirrel was in Mrs. Wallabanger’s backyard.”

  Muffled voices.

  I could NOT believe Brianna was telling all of our personal business like that.

  “Brianna! BRIANNA!” I yelled.

  “WHAAAT!” she huffed.

  “Can you give the phone to Brandon the Cootie Guy? I need to talk to him. Okay?” I said.

  “Well, just for a little bit. I’m supposed to be playing Princess Sugar Plum on this phone. Hold on.”

  More muffled voices.

  “Hello, Nikki!”

  “Brandon! OMG! We’re stuck in a storage locker in the arena! Storage Area C, locker seventeen. Chloe’s phone is about to die any minute. Please come get us out!”

  “WHAT? Where did you say you were?”

  “We’re stuck in a—”

  That’s when the battery died on Chloe’s phone and it went dead.

  The three of us just sat there in the pitch-dark, stunned and speechless.

  We had no idea whether or not Brandon had heard any of the details about where we were. But just when we were about to give up hope . . .

  The show was starting in four minutes.

  We raced back to our dressing room and grabbed our skates and clown wigs, with Brianna tagging along.

  Her eyes lit up when she saw the huge, colorful gift-wrapped box. “Nikki, can I have that really big present?”

  “No, Brianna, it’s empty. That’s just a prop for clowns to use.”

  “I wanna be a clown TOO!” She pouted.

  That’s when Chloe, Zoey, and I got the exact same idea at the exact same moment.

  I guess the old saying “Brilliant minds think alike” is true.

  The arena was filled to capacity, and the excitement was so electric you could feel it in the air.

  Several local television stations were broadcasting live.

  Victoria Steel, looking more glam than ever, warmly welcomed the audience and encouraged them to donate generously to the charitable organizations being represented in the show.

  Then she made a surprise announcement. “To show our commitment to your community, in addition to the three thousand dollars that each organization is receiving, Holiday on Ice is going to award an additional ten-thousand-dollar cash prize to the crowd favorite.”

  At that news, the entire audience stood up and cheered like crazy.

  Talk about crowd participation!

  This was turning into American Idol.

  On ICE!

  The big cash prize sounded exciting and all. And I was sure Fuzzy Friends could use it.

  But my personal goal was simply to try to get through the entire routine and perform well enough to be awarded the $3,000.

  Soon the lights dimmed and the ice show got under way.

  I wasn’t the least bit surprised to see that MacKenzie had been selected as the opening act.

  She skated to music from Swan Lake and was AWESOME!

  And when she finished, the audience gave her a standing ovation.

  As far as I could tell, MacKenzie was pretty much a major contender for the crowd favorite award. She knew it too, because she kept posing and waving to the audience. . . .

  When MacKenzie came off the ice, she looked really shocked and surprised to see us in the waiting area backstage.

  I smiled and waved, but she just stuck her nose in the air and walked right past us.

  “MacKenzie, you’re a rotten little sneak. That was a new LOW for you. You’ve obviously hit rock bottom and started to dig,” I said right to her face.

  She whipped around and sneered at me. “You say that like it’s a bad thing. Actually, I was just trying to do you a favor by saving you and your little friends from public humiliation. But if you insist, go right ahead. LOSERS!”

  By the time it was our turn to skate, I was a nervous wreck.

  My knees were wobbly even BEFORE I got on the ice.

  But somehow I made it into position without falling on my face.

  As we waited for the music to start, Zoey gave Chloe and me a big smile.

  Then she whispered loudly, “Every human being is a clown but only few have the courage to show it—Charlie Rivel.”

  I smiled. “Thanks, Zoey!”

  OMG! The butterflies in my stomach were so bad I felt like I was going to lose my lunch right on the ice in front of the audience.

  That’s when Zoey whispered even louder. “A clown is an angel with a red nose—J. T. ‘Bubba’ Sikes.”

  I was like, “PUH-LEEZE! Enough already, Zoey. It was cute the first time, but the philosophical CLOWN-ISMS are starting to get on my last nerve!”

  But I just said that inside my head, so no one heard it but me.

  I knew she was just trying to make me feel better.

  I was actually pretty lucky to have a BFF like her.

  As the music blared over the speakers, Chloe and Zoey floated across the ice like graceful butterflies.

  Okay. Like graceful butterflies wearing stupid clown costumes.

  I was supposed to zig, but I zagged.

  Or was I supposed to zag, but I zigged?

  In any event, I tripped, fell on my butt, and slid across the ice at ninety miles per hour like a human bobsled.

  Then, BAM!! I crashed right into the huge gift we were using as a prop.

  Chloe and Zoey looked totally stunned and stopped skating.

  I felt so terrible about messing up our routine, I wanted to cry. MacKenzie was right! All we were doing was making fools of ourselves.

  I half expected to hear Victoria shriek,

  “SECURITY! Get those CLOWNS off of my ice!”

  And once we were kicked out of the show, Fuzzy Friends would close and Brandon would be forced to move.

  I would probably never see him again !

&n
bsp; I just sat there stunned, too exhausted to get up.

  But that’s when I noticed the most amazing thing.

  The entire audience was LAUGHING.

  And all the little kids were on their feet pointing and clapping.

  Apparently, they thought me skidding across the ice on my behind and almost cracking open my skull was part of a little comedy act or something.

  Then it occurred to me that we WERE wearing clown outfits.

  DUH!

  And clowns were supposed to be funny!

  DUH!

  And they were always falling on the ground and knocking each other over.

  DUH!

  I think Chloe and Zoey must have noticed the crowd’s reaction and come to the exact same conclusion.

  The crowd seemed to LOVE US!!

  I mean, REALLY LOVE US!

  From that point on, we totally hammed it up.

  The crowd went KA-RAY-ZEE when we started doing funky dance steps from our old Ballet of the Zombies routine. I’m guessing it was probably because no one had ever seen ZOMBIE CLOWNS do the MOONWALK in ICE SKATES before!

  I even threw in a few dance moves from that time Brianna and I performed LIVE at Queasy Cheesy!

  I felt so happy and relaxed that, suddenly, skating just wasn’t that difficult for me anymore.

  It almost seemed to come naturally.

  FINALLY!

  The strange thing was that I didn’t accidentally fall down, not even ONCE, for the entire two and a half minutes that remained.

  I only FELL DOWN on PURPOSE!

  To make the crowd laugh.

  Hey! I was a clown!

  It was my JOB!

  As our music ended I wanted to keep skating.

  This was the most fun Chloe, Zoey, and I had ever had together.

  But there’s more!

  The crowd got an unexpected surprise when a tiny little clown popped out like a demented jack-in-the-box. . . .

  BRIANNA!!!

  I guess you could say she stole the show. . . .

  ME, CHLOE, ZOEY, AND BRIANNA—A SUPERCUTE CLOWN POSSE

  We totally nailed that last pose, and the audience went WILD!! And we received a standing ovation.

  After we got off the ice, we were SO happy! We did a group hug with Brianna and Miss Penelope!

  I didn’t think our day could get any better, but it did. Guess who won audience favorite and a check for $10,000 for Fuzzy Friends!

  The whole time we were getting our picture taken, MacKenzie was glaring at me.

  I wanted to walk up to her and say, “Hey, what’s WRONG? You MAD, girlfriend? Huh? Is that it? You MAD?!!”

  But I didn’t. Because I was trying to be nice and show good sportsmanship.

  In spite of the fact that SHE was the biggest CHEATER on the planet!!

  I couldn’t believe she stole our costumes AND locked us in that storage room.

  But her evil little plan totally BACKFIRED on her.

  CLOWNS knocking each other over and sliding around on their butts is really FUNNY stuff.

  But prissy Sugar Plum Fairies doing the same thing? Not so much!

  Just as I was coming off the ice, I saw Brandon, and he looked SO happy.

  I almost DIED when he handed me a beautiful bouquet of flowers.

  “Congratulations, Nikki!” Brandon said.

  “Thanks, Brandon! This whole thing has been unbelievable.”

  “I heard there was a mix-up with your costumes too. But I knew you’d be okay. You guys totally rocked the ice!”

  “Well, it was worth it. I’m just happy we were able to keep Fuzzy Friends open so that your gran—er, I mean Betty—can continue to take care of those animals,” I said, and plastered a big, dopey grin across my face.

  But deep down inside I cringed and wanted to kick myself for almost referring to Betty as Brandon’s grandmother.

  It’s weird, but the better I’ve gotten to know him, the MORE questions I have about who he really is. And the LAST thing he needs right now is some busybody snooping into his personal business and gossiping behind his back.

  I’ve personally lived through that with Miss Motormouth MacKenzie, and it’s been TORTURE.

  So for now, I know all I need to know—that Brandon is an AMAZING friend who’s always there when I need him. And I’m happy I was able to be there for him too.

  I hugged my bouquet of roses and buried my face in them.

  I inhaled their sweet, romantic fragrance, awed by how much they smelled like perfumey . . . um . . . roses.

  “Well, thank you for all your help. Nikki, you’re . . . AWESOME!” Brandon gushed.

  I blushed profusely.

  Then he gave me a big hug!

  OMG! I thought I was going to pee my pants.

  BRANDON. ACTUALLY. HUGGED. ME!!

  SQUEEEEEEE!!!

  But now I’m even more CONFUSED!

  Because I don’t know if it was a . . .

  “You’re my FRIEND” hug.

  Or a “You’re my really GOOD friend” hug!

  Or a “You’re MORE than a good friend” hug!!

  Or a “You’re my GIRLFRIEND” hug!!!

  I really want to ask him.

  But I can’t!

  Because THEN he’ll know . . .

  I really want to KNOW!

  And him knowing all of this would just make me supernervous.

  Which sounds really crazy.

  Right?

  Sorry, I can’t help it.

  I’M SUCH A DORK!!!

  !!

  Hey, you!

  Wanna take a sneak peek at a few pages of my next diary, Tales from a Not-So-Smart Miss Know-It-All?

  Shhhh! It’s a secret. . . .

  JANUARY

  AAAAAHHHHH!!!

  (That was me screaming!)

  Right now I’m at Brandon’s birthday party!

  Locked in a bathroom!

  Totally FREAKING out!

  It all started earlier today when I got the WORST news EVER!

  At the last minute my mom had to step in for a sick parent and be the driver for Brianna’s dance class carpool.

  Mom was all like, “Nikki, dear, I’m STILL planning to take you to Brandon’s party. But we have a teeny-tiny complication regarding your transportation HOME. So your dad has agreed to help.”

  I could not believe my own mother would LIE right to my face like that. Sorry, Mom! But it WASN’T a teeny-tiny complication.

  IT WAS A SUPERSIZED, GIGANTIC, HUMONGOUS BLOB OF A PROBLEM!!

  WHY?

  Because my parents casually informed me that I was going to be picked up by . . . wait for it, wait for it . . .

  Dad and his very creepy, six-foot-long riding companion, MAX THE ROACH!

  There was just NO WAY I was going to let everyone at Brandon’s party see me getting into the roachmobile. Which, BTW, was STILL blinged out in tacky Christmas decorations.

  Why couldn’t DAD drive for Brianna’s dance class?!

  Then, instead of brutally traumatizing ME for LIFE, Dad could take Brianna and her little friends joyriding. It would be more fun than DISNEY WORLD!!

  BRIANNA AND HER FRIENDS, JOYRIDING IN THE ROACHMOBILE

  That’s when I made a VERY difficult decision.

  I was NOT going to Brandon’s party !

  And being the honest person that I am, I planned to tell Brandon and all my friends the truth: Something had come up at the last minute.

  Namely, my LUNCH! I was so SICK of my life !!

  I had picked up the phone to break the bad news to Chloe and Zoey when my mom knocked on my bedroom door and stuck her head inside.

  “Nikki, dear, would you please write down the time you need to be picked up from your party along with the address and telephone number and give it to your dad? He doesn’t have the best memory and gets lost going to the mailbox.”

  Before I could tell her I’d changed my mind about the whole party thing, she closed my door and disappeared into the hall.

/>   I just sighed and dialed Zoey’s number.

  Actually, Dad NOT finding the house would be a really GOOD thing because—

  Suddenly a little lightbulb flashed on in my brain, and I had an idea that was pure genius.

  Brandon’s party was going to be at Theodore’s house because he had a cool, arcade-style game room with an awesome sound system. The address was 725 Hidden Lake Drive. But what if Dad parked and waited for me about a block away?! At ANOTHER address? Then no one at the party would see me getting into the van with him and Santa Roach.

  PROBLEM. SOLVED. !!

  I quickly hung up the phone.

  Then I scribbled all of my party information for Dad.

  Just like Mom had instructed.

  Except I kind of fudged on the address-and-phone-number part:

  Was I not brilliant? !!

  Anyway, Brandon’s party was just as fun as I had imagined.

  It was really cool hanging out with all my friends.

  Chloe and Zoey kept me laughing.

  And Brandon and I talked to each other almost the entire time.

  Theodore had just about every type of pizza imaginable delivered hot and fresh by Queasy Cheesy.

  Yep—Queasy Cheesy!

  I was shocked to find out that his family owns the one at the mall. As well as the other 173 locations in the national chain.

  And get this! As a special treat, his dad gave each one of us three FREE gift certificates for an all-you-can-eat Queasy Cheesy Pizza Fest.

  OMG! I was SUPERhappy about that!

  Because if I gave one Queasy Cheesy certificate to Mom, one to Dad, and one to Brianna, I’d pretty much have ALL of my Christmas shopping done for next year!

  Without having to spend ANY of my OWN money.

  How COOL is THAT!

  Anyway, I couldn’t believe how quickly the time passed, and soon it was 10:00 p.m.

  But we were having so much fun, no one wanted to leave.

  I wasn’t really the least bit worried because according to my brilliant plan, my dad was patiently waiting for me somewhere nearby.

  So of course I had a complete MELTDOWN when the doorbell rang and . . .

  Excuse me, sir, but I’m having trouble finding the address 710 Hidden Lake Drive. I’m supposed to pick up my daughter from there?