Tales From a Not-So-Graceful Ice Princess

  But undoing the psychological damage from Santa Roach, the Red-Nosed Christmas Tree is going to take years and years of intensive therapy.

  I stared at Dad and Brianna in disbelief. “Please! Tell me this is all just a big PRANK?!”

  That’s when Brianna got this superserious look on her face and started speaking in this low, spooky voice.

  “Nikki, you better be careful! Because on Christmas Eve, Santa Roach rises out of the pumpkin patch and gives out candy canes and toys to all of the good little girls and boys! And he squirts roach spray into the eyes of all the BAD kids.”

  Which, by the way, is the MOST RIDICULOUS thing I’ve ever heard!!

  Brianna must think I’m an IDIOT!! I know her little story is just a rip-off of another well-known legend.

  But just in case any of that stuff she said about the roach spray is true, I’m going to start sleeping with my sunglasses on.

  Anyway, this weekend I was seriously planning to come clean and tell Chloe and Zoey about my WCD scholarship and my dad being the school exterminator and all.

  I’m just SO sick of all the deception and lies.

  I had no doubt WHATSOEVER that Chloe and Zoey were my TRUE friends and would accept me for who I really am.

  But that was BEFORE Santa Roach became a part of my STINKIN’ family!!

  There’s just NO WAY I can tell my BFFs now!

  !!

  SUNDAY, DECEMBER 8

  I was really surprised when I got up this morning and looked out the window. We had a really big snowstorm late last night and got, like, six inches of snow.

  My dad usually hates big snows. But today he was superexcited to go outside to clear the driveway.

  Earlier in the fall he bought this rusty old snowblower at a yard sale.

  Dad is always buying dangerous pieces of junk from yard sales. I’ll never forget the time he took us out on the lake in an old canoe with no paddles. If we hadn’t gotten rescued by that coast guard helicopter, we probably would have drowned.

  Dad insisted that he got a real bargain because a brand-new snowblower costs around $300 and he paid only $20 for his.

  Well, now we all know why his snowblower was so cheap. The snow-chute thingy was rusted and permanently stuck in one position. . . .

  DAD, TRYING TO CLEAR OUR DRIVEWAY WITH HIS BROKEN SNOWBLOWER

  That busted snowblower kept blowing snow right back onto the area Dad had just cleared. He couldn’t figure out what he was doing wrong.

  Poor Dad was out in the snow trying to clear the driveway for three hours. Mom had to go out there and drag him back into the house before his body parts froze solid.

  I actually felt sorry for him. And Mom did too, because she went right online and ordered Dad a brand-new snowblower.

  The bad news is that our driveway STILL needs to be dug out.

  I explained to Mom I was willing to make a huge personal sacrifice and stay home from school for the next week or two until the new snowblower arrives.

  But she just handed me a snow shovel and told me if I started shoveling right now, I’d have the driveway cleared out so I could go to school tomorrow morning.

  Mom obviously had no appreciation for the tremendous sacrifice I was willing to make.

  !!

  MONDAY, DECEMBER 9

  Today in English, our teacher reminded us that our Moby-Dick report is due in nine days. We were supposed to start reading the novel back in October, but I’ve been very busy with other stuff.

  It’s about a humongous whale and this crusty old sailor who has a purse and a really bad attitude. I’m so NOT lying!

  Like most people, I assumed that Moby Dick was the captain’s name or something. But it was actually the whale’s name. Like, WHO in their right mind would name a whale Moby Dick?!

  Our report is supposed to be about why the captain and the whale were mortal enemies. But to save time, I’m thinking about just skipping the book and writing the paper.

  Hey, you don’t have to be a literary scholar (or read the book) to know WHY that whale was probably trying to kill that guy. . . .

  Hey, if my mom had named ME Moby Dick, I would have been massively ticked off about it too.

  I think dusty old classics like these should come with a sticker on the cover that says:

  WHY?! Because Moby-Dick was so ridiculously BORING, I accidentally fell asleep, smacked my head on my desk, and darn near got a concussion!! . . .

  OMG! I had this big purplish bruise right in the middle of my forehead.

  And I’d only gotten to the SECOND sentence!

  As an additional precaution, I think students should be required to wear protective headgear while reading books like Moby-Dick.

  Tomorrow I’m going to wear my bike helmet to class to protect against further head injuries.

  Even though I was bummed about that paper being due next week, I was really looking forward to seeing Brandon today.

  I wanted to tell him what a great time I had hanging out at Fuzzy Friends. And that I thought he’d make a great veterinarian one day.

  But unfortunately, I didn’t see him at lunch and he wasn’t in bio.

  It was the weirdest coincidence that while I was in the girls’ bathroom, I overheard Jessica and MacKenzie gossiping about Brandon.

  Jessica said he had been called down to the office during first period and he’d left school for an important family matter. Well, that explained everything.

  And get this! MacKenzie said it’s rumored that Brandon’s dad is a wealthy U.S. diplomat at the French embassy and his mom is French royalty.

  Apparently, his family lived in Paris for ten years, but he never talks about it because he probably wants to keep the fact that he’s a prince or something a big secret. And that’s why Brandon is fluent in French.

  Then MacKenzie told Jessica that since she’s an office assistant, she should check Brandon’s school records to see if all those rumors are true.

  But Jessica said she doesn’t have access to certain information because it’s kept on a special computer in the principal’s office.

  I was both shocked and appalled that those girls were actually talking about snooping in highly confidential student records.

  It wasn’t like I was eavesdropping on their very private conversation or anything. I was in that bathroom stall totally minding my own business.

  I just happened to feel like climbing up on the toilet seat, standing on my tippy toes, and peeking over the top. To get, you know, some fresh air!

  MACKENZIE AND JESSICA, GOSSIPING ABOUT BRANDON

  I just hope everything is okay with Brandon. I’m guessing he probably had a dentist appointment or something.

  Jessica and MacKenzie are always sticking their noses in other people’s business!

  They are so PATHETIC!

  But what if Brandon REALLY IS secretly a prince or something?!! He IS in Honors French!

  OMG!!! SQUEEEEE!!

  !!

  TUESDAY, DECEMBER 10

  I’m kind of in SHOCK right now !!

  Brandon just left my locker about thirty minutes ago. I could tell right away that something was really bothering him.

  He gave me the rest of the photos he’d taken of me during the Great Puppy Escape and thanked me for helping him.

  But when I mentioned how much fun I’d had and that I wanted to volunteer on a regular basis, he just looked really sad and stared at the floor.

  Brandon explained that he’d just gotten very bad news from Phil and Betty Smith, the owners of Fuzzy Friends. Phil broke his leg and is going to be in the hospital in traction for the next two months.

  Unfortunately, there is no way Betty can keep the shelter open without his help.

  BRANDON TELLS ME THE SAD NEWS ABOUT FUZZY FRIENDS

  As soon as Betty finds a place that will accept the eighteen cats and dogs in her shelter, she plans to sell the building to the flower shop next door.

  No wonder Brandon was so upset. Starting tomorrow, he
plans to spend every day after school helping to care for the animals until they all get transferred or placed in new homes.

  I feel really bad for him. Mainly because I know how much he loves that place.

  I mentioned all of this to Chloe and Zoey in gym class, and we had a deep discussion during sit-ups about how we could possibly help.

  That’s when I came up with the brilliant idea of Chloe, Zoey, and me skating in the Holiday on Ice show to raise money for Fuzzy Friends!

  Of course my BFFs were superhappy about us FINALLY finding a charity. They also said it’s the perfect opportunity for ME to show Brandon what a good friend I am. Then Zoey said . . .

  I just kind of smiled at Zoey and nodded.

  But to be honest, I didn’t have the slightest idea WHAT she was talking about! Her comment had NOTHING whatsoever to do with ANYTHING we were discussing!

  Zoey is supersmart and I love her to death. But sometimes I wonder where she gets all of that cornball stuff.

  Anyway, I agreed to discuss the Holiday on Ice idea with Brandon. We need a charity to skate for, and Fuzzy Friends needs the money to hire a part-time worker to replace Phil while he’s recovering.

  Zoey did the math and calculated that the $3,000 donation from Holiday on Ice would probably be enough to pay a worker for about two months.

  I just hope Brandon thinks all of this is a good idea.

  I didn’t want to mention it to Chloe and Zoey, but I’m really worried we might have a little competition for Fuzzy Friends from someone else.

  While Brandon was talking to me at my locker, I couldn’t help but notice MacKenzie slinking around, pretending to be putting on lip gloss.

  PUH-LEEZE! She could have put on twenty-seven layers of lip gloss during the time she was eavesdropping on our very private conversation.

  That girl is a SNAKE and will stop at nothing to get what she wants.

  I just hope she already has a charity, like she has been bragging to her CCP friends.

  Because if she DOESN’T . . . ?!

  Things are going to get really UGLY!

  !!

  WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 11

  Right now I’m so MAD at MacKenzie I could just . . . SPIT!!

  My suspicions were correct! According to the gossip around school, MacKenzie is skating for Fuzzy Friends!

  YES! FUZZY FRIENDS!!! I was like, NO!! WAY!!

  I can’t believe MacKenzie is actually trying to steal MY charity from right under my nose like this. I came up with that idea first, and she knows it. But I’m not going down without a fight!

  When I saw her at her locker just now, she had the nerve to act all sweet and innocent. She even complimented my new sweater. Kind of.

  She was all like, “Nikki! What a CUTE sweater! It’s the PERFECT look! For a DOG. My poodle would LOVE it!”

  That girl is a charity-stealing BACKSTABBER!

  I finally tracked Brandon down in the newspaper room during lunch. He had photos of all the animals at Fuzzy Friends and was busy typing up descriptions.

  He explained that Betty is doubling her efforts to try to get all of her animals adopted before the shelter closes at the end of the month.

  “OMG!” I exclaimed. “So soon?!”

  I wanted to tell him about our plan to try to earn money for the shelter through the Holiday on Ice show.

  But Brandon looked so down in the dumps. The last thing I wanted to do was set him up for another big disappointment.

  Running that shelter was probably a lot of work. And it was very possible Betty just wanted to sell the building, collect the cash, retire to sunny Florida, and play bingo every day for the rest of her life.

  If she turned down our offer to help keep the shelter open, Brandon would just be more miserable than ever. I felt SO sorry for him.

  “Is there anything I can do to help?” I asked.

  Brandon looked up at me, and his face immediately brightened.

  “Yeah, you can put these photos in order based on the ad numbers. Thanks! And no matter what happens, I just want you to know that I’ll never forget you . . .” He nervously brushed his bangs out of his eyes and continued awkwardly. “Helping me with all of this stuff, I mean.”

  I was a little surprised he was so . . . serious. I tried to lighten the mood. “Hey, that’s what friends are for. Even though YOU GOT COOTIES, DUDE!”

  We both laughed really hard at my wacky impression of Brianna. Then we both kind of blushed and smiled at each other. All of this laughing, blushing, and smiling went on, like, FOREVER.

  Or at least, until we were RUDELY interrupted.

  “Hello, people!” MacKenzie announced as she sashayed into the room. “Here I am!”

  Then she dropped her Prada bag right on the stack of pictures I was sorting for Brandon.

  BRANDON AND ME, GETTING RUDELY INTERRUPTED

  I rolled my eyes at MacKenzie while Brandon looked superannoyed.

  Then she gave him a big fat phony smile. “Brandon, I just had the most brilliant idea. You’re going to be so thankful to me. But I need to talk to you about it ALONE!” she said in a breathy voice while batting her eyes like someone had thrown a fistful of sand in her face or something.

  OMG! Watching that girl shamelessly flirt with Brandon like that was SO disgusting I actually threw up in my mouth a little.

  Suddenly MacKenzie looked at me and scrunched up her nose like she smelled a funky foot odor. “Nikki, what are you doing in here? Don’t you know this room is for experienced journalists only?”

  “What I want to know is, WHY are YOU dressed like a tacky flight attendant?” I responded. “Are you here to write or to hand out peanuts?”

  MACKENZIE AS A TACKY FLIGHT ATTENDANT

  “PEANUTS FOR YOU. AND PEANUTS FOR YOU. EVERYONE GETS SOME PEANUTS!!”

  Brandon snickered but quickly covered it with a fake cough.

  Hey! SHE started the fashion critiques with her doggie-sweater comment. I just finished it.

  MacKenzie let out a high-pitched laugh, like she was in on the joke. But her eyes were shooting daggers at me.

  “So, what are you working on today?” she asked Brandon, peering over his shoulder. Then she picked up a photo of a puppy.

  “OMG! I LOVE puppies. Are they from that place called Fuzzy Friends? I heard they are closing down. I just hope those poor creatures won’t be put to sleep. That’d be AWFUL! Hey, I have a great idea! Maybe I could help out by ska—”

  Brandon’s jaw tightened as he gritted his teeth. “Actually, MacKenzie, Nikki and I are working on a really important project. We’re kind of busy right now. So if you don’t mind, um . . .” He coughed again.

  MacKenzie definitely got the hint.

  “Oh! Well . . . I didn’t mean to interrupt anything. I just stopped by to get my, um . . .” She looked around the room frantically until she spotted something on the floor.

  “My . . . PAPER CLIP! Yep, it’s right here. I accidentally dropped it on the floor yesterday, and I’ve been looking everywhere for it! Thank goodness I found it!”

  “I’m really happy for you, MacKenzie,” I said sarcastically.

  “Well, I guess I’ll just talk to you later, Brandon. When you’re not so . . .” She shot me an evil look. “BUSY. Good-bye!”

  She plastered a fake smile across her face, winked at Brandon, and sashayed out of the room. I just HATE it when MacKenzie sashays.

  It was quite obvious she had come to talk to Brandon about skating for Fuzzy Friends. And then she created all of that drama over a lost paper clip. How totally JUVENILE was that?!

  Chloe, Zoey, and I are planning to stop by the shelter on Saturday to talk to Betty, the owner. I just hope we get to her before MacKenzie does. I think MacKenzie is also CRAZY jealous that Brandon and I have been spending more time together lately.

  But girlfriend needs to:

  1. Cry a river.

  2. Build a bridge, AND

  3. GET OVER IT!!

  !!

  THURSDAY, DECE
MBER 12

  AAAAAHHHHH! That is me SCREAMING.

  WHY? I HATE taking those six-hour standardized tests for math, science, and reading comprehension!

  You know, the one where your normally nice and friendly teacher suddenly turns into a MAXIMUM-SECURITY PRISON GUARD and marches around the room slapping the test booklet on your desk.

  Then, at the beginning of the test, she clicks this little stopwatch and yells . . .

  “YOU MAY BEGIN . . . NOW!”

  And at the end of the test, she clicks the little stopwatch again and yells . . .

  “PLEASE STOP . . . NOW!”

  Then she says, “Put DOWN your pencil! Do NOT turn the page. Put your HANDS above your HEAD. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used against you. You have the right to an attorney . . .”

  OMG! It’s enough to scare the snot right out of you! No wonder students perform so poorly on these tests. But the worst part is that they compare your test scores with the scores of kids in your state and across the nation. This makes YOU look really BAD because the kids from those faraway schools are never as STUPID as the kids in your OWN school!

  And since stupidity is more CONTAGIOUS than chicken pox, there is no way you can beat the test scores from those other schools.

  Especially when you sit next to a seventeen-year-old guy who’s STILL in eighth grade and STILL eats boogers.

  So, under the circumstances, WHY would you even TRY to do well on the test when you already know your score is going to be LOUSY? I’m just sayin’!

  That’s why I’d like to see a CONNECT-THE-DOTS standardized test. Each student fills in those little circles on his/her answer sheet, and the test score is based on how CUTE and CREATIVE his/her picture is.

  This type of testing would be more FAIR and, most important, a lot EASIER !

  I can’t wait to score in the top 1% of the nation with all those smarty-pants AND earn an academic scholarship to Harvard University.