Nothing Left to Lose

Page 51
Author: Kirsty Moseley

He recoiled instantly, and a hurt expression spread across his face. Guilt settled in the pit of my stomach. I hated being a bitch to him. This wasn’t his fault, it was mine. He hadn’t done anything wrong; this was my problem and my mistake.

I sighed and stood up, walking over to his side. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to yell at you. Maybe we should go for a walk,” I agreed, looking anywhere but him because I didn’t want to see the hurt on his face. Wordlessly, he stood up and followed behind me, putting his hand on the small of my back as we walked past a group of rowdy guys.

As we got outside, I instantly headed towards the picnic benches out the front, sitting down and staring at the sky. It was a really nice day, the sky was a beautiful shade of blue and the clouds were white and fluffy, but it could have been raining for all I cared at the moment.

Instead of sitting next to me, he squatted down in front of me, putting his hands on my knees. “Anna,” he said quietly, trying to get my attention. My heart was racing. I had no idea what to say to him. I reluctantly dragged my eyes to meet his and saw what I hadn’t wanted to see there all morning: hurt and confusion. “Anna, talk to me. Don’t shut me out like this, please, I can’t stand it,” he begged.

My chin trembled as my emotions threatened to boil over. I fought desperately to keep them in check and not break down and weep. “I don’t know what to say,” I admitted weakly. “I guess I should say that I’m sorry. I should say that I shouldn’t have done that last night and that I won’t do it again. But I don’t want to say that. I’m not sorry. I enjoyed it. ” I frowned, not knowing how to express this conflict that was going on inside me. I decided to tell him the truth – well, half of it at least. I figured it was best to leave out the fact that I was frightened to death that he’d break my heart. I took a deep breath before I spoke, “Look, I like you. You are the sexiest damn thing I have ever seen, and I want you so badly that it hurts sometimes. I’ve never wanted anyone the way that I want you, not even Jack. But the fact is that I love Jack, and I shouldn’t be doing this when I’m not over him. And the thing that is tearing me up inside is that I know I’ll never be over him,” I winced, dreading his reaction. This was the first time I’d ever let him into my messed-up head. Maybe this would send him running from me. He’d finally see how screwed up I was and he’d bolt.

He didn’t bolt though; instead, he put his forehead to my knees and sighed. “I knew that was it. I knew this was about Jack,” he mumbled, his voice muffled against my knees. “Anna, do you really think that because you don’t know what to say to me, that saying nothing is better?” he asked sadly, not raising his head.

I couldn’t stand the pain in his voice; I tangled one hand in his hair. “I’m sorry, but you didn’t say anything either,” I countered, trying to make him shoulder some of the blame that was clearly all mine.

He sighed. “I wanted to give you space, Baby Girl, I knew you needed space. I figured you’d come talk to me when you were ready, but I just can’t wait any longer. ” He lifted his head from my knees and looked at me intently. “I really like you,” he whispered, trapping me in his eyes so I couldn’t look away.

My breath caught in my throat. I liked him too, but I just couldn’t let him in, I couldn’t. Even aside from the fact that I was still messed up over Jack, I couldn’t go through another heartbreak. Everything I touched turned to shit and left in the end, and I couldn’t stand for that to happen to him. Having him in my life as a friend, or even as an acquaintance, was much better than not having him at all.

“I like you too,” I muttered, “but I just want us to be friends. There’s something between us though, I don’t know if you feel it too, but it’s like a need, like something I long for, but I can’t have it. I can’t let you in, I’m sorry. ” And I truly was sorry. Sorry for all the times I may have led him on and used him for a quick bit of self-pleasure, support and comfort. That wasn’t fair of me, I knew that. The words were painful to say; it felt like I was ripping my heart out, and the pain that I felt scared me even more. It was then that I realised that I’d already let him in to a certain extent.

“You can’t let me in, or you won’t?” he countered, not taking his eyes from mine.

“Both. ” I was fighting the urge to cry, I could feel my eyes prickling with tears.

He sighed. “I don’t like hurting you. I think I should just request a reassignment so it’ll make things easier on you. ”

Panic surged through me at the thought of being without him. I couldn’t do it. I needed him way too much for my own good. I threw myself at him, knocking him flat onto his back as I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly, afraid to let go. The emotions that were threatening to break free merely seconds before now hit me full force.

“No! Oh God, please don’t go. I’m so sorry. I won’t shut you out again, I won’t. Please don’t leave me,” I choked out between sobs, gripping fistfuls of his T-shirt.

He gasped, wrapping his arms around me tightly too, stroking the back of my head soothingly. “Anna, shush. It’s okay. I won’t leave if you don’t want me to. That was just a suggestion, that’s all. I just don’t like hurting you all the time. You’re killing me, I swear. ”

I sniffed in a very unladylike fashion and pulled back so I could look at him. “I’m so sorry. I just need you around me. Please don’t leave,” I begged. “I just can’t be with you in that way. I can’t do that to you or Jack, please understand. ”

He sighed, cupping my face in his hands. “I understand. Just don’t put me through this again, alright? I hate seeing you upset and knowing that I caused it. ”

“You didn’t cause it. It was my fault. I’m so sorry. Please say you forgive me?” I begged. The emotional pain at the thought of him leaving me was crushing me inside.

He tilted my head down and kissed the tip of my nose tenderly. “There’s nothing to forgive, Baby Girl. I enjoyed last night as much as you did. ” He wiped my tears off my cheeks using his thumbs. “Just promise me we’ll talk through stuff in the future. Don’t shut me out again, promise?”

I nodded quickly. “I promise. ”

A gorgeously wicked smile crossed his face. “Good. Now, how about we skip the rest of the day and go catch a movie or something?”

I laughed, wiping away the last of my tears; he always did seem to know how to make me feel better. “You’re a bad influence on me, Agent Taylor,” I scolded, grinning now too.

“Yeah, but you love it,” he teased, rolling so that I was under him and then pushing himself up to his feet.

“Yeah, I do,” I admitted. I smiled and took the hand he offered, letting him pull me to my feet. We walked hand in hand to the car as he called Dean to tell him we were leaving. As we climbed into the car, I silently prayed I could always keep Ashton in my life somehow.

Chapter Twenty

~ Ashton ~

I woke in the morning with Anna nudging me gently in the ribs. I smiled and opened my eyes. She was wide awake, looking at me, grinning like the Cheshire cat. The same as every morning, her eyes were still droopy from sleep and her hair was messy and sticking out. Still, she took my breath away.

“Hi. What are you grinning at me like that for?” I asked, confused. Had I done something to make her happy? I thought back over the last few days but couldn’t think of anything specific, today was just a random Thursday, so nothing was going on that I could think of.

“Well, I’ve got you something for your birthday on Saturday, but I need to give it to you now. ”

“What? How do you know it’s my birthday on Saturday?” I asked, rubbing my sleepy eyes and propping myself up on my elbow.

She chuckled. “You told me, remember? When we were at my parents’ house, when you first started,” she explained, shrugging and leaning away from me. My stomach clenched as it always did when she was about to move away from me. I reached out and put my hand on the small of her back so I could savour the last touch before she got dressed and we were back to just being bodyguard and client. When we were all cuddled up in bed, I liked to believe we were more than that.

Instead of getting out of the bed though, she reached into her bedside cabinet and pulled out an envelope with her name on the front, but I noticed that it was addressed to next door, to Dean and Peter’s apartment.

She sat crossed-legged on the bed and held the envelope out to me, grinning wildly. I smiled. Anna liked to do things for me; even just little things like making my favourite food seemed to make her happy. I loved it when she smiled.

“Here. ” She bit on her lip like she always did when she was excited.

Seeing her lip in her teeth like that made my mouth water. I wanted to bite her lip like that. Thoughts of her lip between my teeth and her tongue in my mouth started to play out in my mind. I felt a stir in my boxers, so I quickly looked away from her, taking a deep breath and forcing myself to think of other things.

I took the envelope from her hand and frowned uncomfortably. This was my first birthday present since my parents had died over eleven years ago and I didn’t really know how to deal with it. “Baby Girl, you shouldn’t keep buying me things. ”

She didn’t need to spend money on me; to be honest, the best thing she could give me, she gave me every day – just a smile, a laugh, and her time. All I ever wanted was just to be with her. It almost killed me just to be her friend, but that was what she wanted and needed, so I tried my hardest every day to make her happy. She was everything that was good in my world, the most important and precious thing in my life, and I would always love her, even if she couldn’t feel the same about me.

“I like to buy you things. Now, will you just open it before I do?” she cried, practically bouncing on the bed with excitement.

I laughed and opened the envelope, pulling out a sheet of paper. It was an itinerary for tomorrow. I frowned, confused because we didn’t have any plans for tomorrow. I scanned the details quickly. At eight in the morning we were to be at the airport, ready to fly to her parents’ house on the lake. Apparently a helicopter would meet us at the airport, transfer us to the Lake House, where I would deliver the jewel. The helicopter would then take me back to the airport in time for flights to LA.