Zombie Lover

  “Are you all right?” Bink and Breanna called together. Then they laughed, together.

  Chapter 11

  ISLE OF WOLVES

  “I came out of the house, and you were gone,” Breanna told the three kings. “I was afraid something had happened to you.”

  “Something did,” King Dor agreed. “But we worked it out. What of you?”

  “Something happened to me too, but now it's all right. King Xeth has found a good zombie woman to marry, and they are addressing the stork now. So I don't have to stay here after all.”

  “We'll be glad to take you home when we leave,” Prince Dolph said. “Which should be soon.”

  “Thanks! I'm glad things are okay.” Then she noticed that there was another person with them. “Hello. I'm Breanna of the Black Wave.”

  “I'm Tipsy Troll. I'm going with them too.”

  Breanna was surprised. “Not—?”

  Tipsy laughed. “Not married, no. But they think there's a man there who will marry me.”

  “Oh. Okay.” And of course she had known that none of the kings would have married any woman of the Isle.

  “Indeed they would not,” Justin Tree said, “But I suspect that they have quite a story to tell, if they care to tell it.”

  Breanna made a mental note to be sure to ask for that story, when the occasion seemed propitious. Then she thought of something else. “Justin, I guess my adventure is just about over, now that I've escaped marriage to the Zombie King, thanks to your help. So I guess that means we'll be parting company soon.”

  “I confess that is a sad occasion for me. You have been fascinating company “

  “And you have been great. I really needed your guidance.”

  “But of course you have your own life to live now, and do not need any further intrusions “

  “I guess.” But she was dissatisfied. “Justin, I know you have had enough of teenage girls by now.”

  “As if there could ever be enough of them.“

  “Do you think maybe—I mean, if you don't have something better to do—you could maybe, sort of, well, stay around a little longer? Of course you don't have to—”

  “I do not wish to impose, Breanna I fear my presence limits your lifestyle. You have given me a fine adventure, and I can't complain.“

  “I wish you'd stay.” She felt his surprise.

  “You are not merely being polite? The Good Magician did say a year, or until we mutually agreed to end it, but of course I would not hold you to such a term.“

  “I'm being more like desperate. I think I don't want to go back to nothingness just yet, and that's what it'll be. But maybe I could sort of hang around with the three kings a while longer, and that's bound to be interesting. But I don't really know them, and you do, so if you could tell me what to do—”

  “I would be glad to, Breanna I am gratified that you are not yet tired of my presence.“

  “I'm not tired of it! I couldn't've made it without you.”

  “I thank you for that sentiment”

  They walked to the dock. There was the duck-footed boat. “Will you take us back to the mainland?” Dor asked it.

  “Sure, when the women say it's okay. When the Isle interfaces again.”

  “But that won't be until tomorrow,” Breanna protested.

  “No, that's the automatic cycle. The women can change it when they want to. to let an impatient prince in, or to take a married one out with his bride. We can go when Voracia says it's okay. She should be along in due course.”

  “That's great,” Breanna said, though she was speaking more for the kings than for herself. This did not seem like a bad isle, now that she had settled with Xeth.

  They sat down to wait for Voracia. And while they rested, they exchanged stories. Justin's surmise turned out to be correct: the women had pulled a dastardly stunt, and only some good breaks and good thinking had gotten them out of it. Exactly as it had been for Breanna herself.

  Voracia came down the path. “We're setting up the interface,” she told the boat. “Take them back to Xanth.” She glanced at Tipsy. “You're going too?”

  “Yes. They think there's a man for me.”

  “Good for you. We've got dream princes galore. Davina and Fiona confirmed it, and will show us the way there.”

  They got into the boat, and it paddled across the pond and ran up onto the path on the other side. They were on their way.

  They reached the shore, and the boat splashed into the sea. There was Xanth, as she gathered it had not been until the women set up the interface.

  “Now may be a propitious time to raise the matter.” Oh. Yes.

  “Uh, you said you would take me home.”

  “Yes, of course.” King Dor said.

  “Could you maybe wait on that? I mean, I'm grateful, but I'd sort of like to stick around with you a while, if that's not too much trouble.”

  King Dor glanced at the others, who nodded. “Certainly, Breanna. You have been of real help to us, and we appreciate it. We suspect that our own adventure, such as it has been, is about done, but you will be welcome to remain with us until it ends.”

  “Gee, thanks.” She stifled a tear; she really appreciated their generosity. They were all good men, as well as being kings, unlike that bad Ralph.

  They reached the other dock and disembarked. There were a few zombies wandering desolately around. “Oops, there's something I should do,” Breanna said.

  “We can keep you from the zombies,” Prince Dolph said. “We'll simply fly away from them.”

  “No, I'm tired of running from problems.” Breanna walked boldly up to the nearest zombie. “Hello. I'm Breanna, the one you've been chasing. But you can go home now, because your King Xeth has found love with Zyzzyva Zombie instead, and will marry her. They'll be returning here in a day or two, I think. Do you understand?”

  The zombie seemed surprised. “Underzdand,” he repeated after a suitable pause for cogitation.

  “Good enough. You stay here to welcome them when they come.” Then she extended her hand.

  After another pause, the zombie extended his hand. Breanna grasped it firmly and shook it, not hard. It felt somewhat slimy, but she gave no sign of disgust. She had conquered her fear of zombies. “Good for you, Breanna!”

  Then she returned to the kings. “Okay, that's done.” Dor was talking with the duck-footed boat. He looked up as Breanna returned. “We have made a deal. It will be days before Para needs to service the Isle of Women, because their interest is now on dreams. Voracia will call if the boat is needed sooner. So we will exchange conveyances.”

  “So the boat is Para, with the two docks,” Justin remarked appreciatively. “There can be more meanings in a name than one expects.”

  “Yeah, every time you figure you know something, there's more you don't know.”

  “I don't understand,” Tipsy said. “I thought that man was near here.”

  “No, he's some distance south,” Bink said. “But we feel there is one thing you need before you meet him. So we shall fetch it now.”

  “I don't mean to be any trouble,” Tipsy said.

  “They don't consider it trouble,” Breanna said.

  “They're nice people.” She had come to know the troll-woman somewhat while they waited to cross back to Xanth, and knew she was warm-hearted. “You helped them; they're helping you.”

  King Dor, Bink, Tipsy and Breanna got into the boat again. Prince Dolph changed into a roc bird. He caught up the boat in his huge talons, spread his wings, and took off. Breanna saw that it was definitely easier to be carried in the boat than it would have been to be clutched by bare claws.

  “Wheee!” the boat exclaimed, wiggling its feet. “I've been on land and sea, but never in air before.”

  “Me too,” Breanna agreed, peering down as the land fell below.

  “And me,” Tipsy said, looking down the other side. “It looks just like a map.”

  “We're going to Mt. Rushmost,” Bink explained.
“For some lip bomb.”

  “A bomb!”

  “You put it on your lips, and when you kiss a man it just about knocks him out, in a pleasant way. We think that with that, you will be able to make an impression on Phil Istine.”

  Tipsy looked at Breanna. Breanna shrugged. “I haven't encountered this.”

  “I have. Long ago. It is a good ploy.”

  “But Justin says it's good,” Breanna said.

  Soon they came to a towering mountain. Dolph-roc glided to a landing at the edge of its upper plateau. He set the boat down, changed to manform, and jumped in as the duck feet got moving.

  “We are looking for Karla, Sharon, or Chea Centaur,” Dor said. “Or Serena girl.”

  “Go that way,” the ground said, its voice moving in a particular direction.

  They went that way, and came to an early evening fire where three winged monsters congregated. All of them were centaurs, and female.

  “What, are you men back again for more punishment?” one of the centaur fillies demanded.

  “I'm not a man, and neither is Tipsy Troll,” Breanna said before it occurred to her that silence might be better.

  “You're not winged, either,” the centaur said disapprovingly.

  “Karla, we come to ask another favor,” King Dor said quickly. “We'd like to get some lip bomb for Tipsy.”

  The centaurs considered. “What use would a troll have for that?”

  “She did us a favor, and now we want to help her get married. She's a good person. We think the lip bomb will enable her to make a suitable impression.”

  “Very well: we will give it to you. But you must demonstrate it on your two girls, so that they understand its nature.”

  “You mean, we must don it, and kiss our companions?” Prince Dolph asked.

  “Exactly.”

  King Dor looked at the girls. “I don't know—” But Breanna was curious. “Sure one of you can kiss me,” she said. “I'll know you don't mean it, so it's no violation of the Adult Conspiracy, if that matters.”

  The kings looked doubtful, but didn't argue. “All right,” Tipsy agreed uncertainly.

  Karla brought out a jar of red stuff. “Come here. King Dor,” she said with a typically centaurian obscure smile. She took paste on her fingers and carefully smeared it on his lips. Then she did the same with Bink. “Now kiss them.”

  The king and the prince turned. Bink approached Tipsy, and Dor approached Breanna. “I apologize for the necessity,” he said.

  “Oh, at least pretend some enthusiasm,” Breanna said naughtily. “It isn't as if I haven't been kissed by a king before.”

  He took her in his arms and put his lips to hers. It was sort of pathetic, that this middle-aged man thought his kiss could have any real effect. Then her mouth detonated, and she would have fallen spinning to the ground, except for the fact that he was firmly supporting her. Stars and planets careened in circles around her head. The experience was devastatingly pleasant.

  She found herself limp in his embrace. “Do what you want with me,” she murmured blissfully.

  “Have no fear of that.” he replied. “It is only a demonstration, as we agreed.” He set her on her feet and let go, and she was able to stand somewhat unsteadily.

  “That lip bomb is remarkable stuff,” Justin remarked. “Now I appreciate more fully why they believe it will help Tipsy Troll.”

  “For sure. If Xeth had used it on me, we'd be married by now.” She looked around. Tipsy Troll was sagging against Bink. with little hearts floating up from her head. Obviously his kiss had been just as potent. “That's some stuff,” Breanna repeated, awed.

  Karla handed Tipsy the jar. “Now you know what to do with this,” she said. “Go get your man.”

  “Now I know,” Tipsy agreed dizzily.

  “We thank you very kindly,” King Dor said. “Perhaps you fillies can come to the big royal wedding next week at Castle Roogna.”

  “Oh? Who is getting married?”

  “We don't know. But it will surely be a momentous occasion.”

  “We like momentous occasions,” Karla said. “But we don't have invitations.”

  “I will try to get some made up for you,” King Dor said. “We'll give them to you when you arrive.”

  The centaur frowned. “That's not exactly the way it is done.”

  King Dor shrugged. “I'm a man. I don't know any better.”

  “True. We'll try to attend.”

  “Ask Serena, Erica, and Aurora to come too,” Prince Dolph said.

  “We shall.”

  They got into the boat, and it ran toward the brink. The centaurs waved farewell, evidently intrigued by their mode of transportation. The boat charged right over the edge and dropped toward the distant ground. Tipsy and Breanna screamed.

  Then Prince Dolph changed form, his feet grabbing the sides of the boat while his great wings spread and took up the slack. The fall became a rise. They were on their way.

  “That was fun,” the boat said. Breanna stomped a floor panel.

  King Dor and Bink brought out handkerchiefs and wiped the remaining lip bomb from their faces. Breanna touched her own lips, where a trace of bliss lingered. She had had no idea that something like that existed. It was a devastating weapon in the war of genders, usable by either side. As it was, she had half a crush on King Dor, despite his advanced age.

  They flew down to the ground somewhat south of the Isle. They landed, and Prince Dolph resumed riding in the boat. Soon they came to a man contemplating a loaf of bread. As they halted by him, the bread became a statue of a winged dragon.

  “Phil Istine,” King Dor said, stepping out of the boat. “We have brought you a wife from the Isle of Women.”

  Phil's eye fell on Breanna. “A black beauty,” he said. “But isn't she about three years young?”

  “Not me. white trash.” Breanna retorted. “Her.” She indicated Tipsy, who was carefully applying lip bomb.

  “A troll moll?” Phil demanded incredulously. “I meant a human-type woman.”

  “She is half human,” Bink said. “And a nice person with a warm heart.”

  “I don't care about her heart! She's a troll!”

  “At least give her a try.” King Dor suggested. “Kiss her.”

  “Why should I kiss a troll? It's no deal.”

  “Then let her kiss you,” Bink said evenly as Tipsy got out of the boat.

  Phil did not look pleased, but couldn't refute the logic because there wasn't enough to refute. So he stood disdainfully while Tipsy approached him and planted a hot kiss on his lips.

  It was something to watch. The man fell back, spun three times around, and fell on the ground, leaving a trail of heart-shaped cloudlets. It would have been comical, if Breanna hadn't experienced such a kiss herself.

  Tipsy went to help him sit up. “I'm sorry. I didn't mean to—”

  “Okay, you'll do,” Phil said. Then he glared at King Dor. “But still, she's a troll. That's only half a loaf. So I'll give you half a loaf in exchange: I'll just tell you who else knows where you live. Go to the king of the werewolves, in the Isle of Wolves.”

  King Dor did not look pleased, but Breanna saw that there was a certain logic to Phil Istine's decision. Tipsy was a nice woman, but she was a troll. With the help of the lip bomb she would surely make Phil about as happy as he deserved to be. Meanwhile, this meant that the three kings would need to visit another interesting place, and that Breanna would be able to enjoy their adventure a while longer.

  Breanna went to Tipsy. “Could you spare a little of that lip bomb? I'd like to have it for an emergency.”

  “Certainly.” Tipsy found a packet and scraped some of the red stuff into it.

  “Thank you.” Breanna put the packet away. King Dor returned to the boat. “Can you take us to the Isle of Wolves?” he asked with resignation.

  “Sure. It's not far from the Isle of Women.”

  “Very well. Please take us there now.”

  They got
in the boat, and it padded toward the water, ran in, then paddled swiftly north.

  Breanna looked back. There was Tipsy troll, waving. Breanna waved back, feeling a lump in her throat. They had gotten Tipsy what she most desperately wanted, a husband, but had they done right by her? The wrong man would be worse than no man at all, as Breanna’s experience with Ralph had shown.

  “Suppose Phil mistreats her?” she asked Bink. “I mean, some men are brutes.”

  Bink nodded. “I have a similar concern, though her talent of the cold shoulder could set him back if that proved necessary. That's one reason I decided to fetch the lip bomb. Can you imagine ever mistreating a man who kisses you with that?”

  She pondered that. “No, I guess not. When King Dor kissed me, I would have done anything for him.” She glanced in the king's direction, “Still would,” she murmured.

  Bink smiled. “The effect slowly fades. I was first kissed by Sharon Centaur, when we delivered Aurora Winged Mermaid there. I always liked centaurs and have had good relations with them, but I never saw them as romantic objects. That is—” he paused, awkwardly.

  “I understand,” Breanna said. “No storks.”

  “Yes. But when Sharon kissed me, I just wanted to please her. It wasn't the same as love elixir; I wasn't in love with her. But she seemed infinitely desirable, and if she had wanted to summon the stork, I would have found it harder to resist than I did when the Isle of Women tempted me. When I saw her again, I felt a thrill, as if we had been lovers, though we had not. If one kiss had such effect, what would several have? So I think Phil Istine will never mistreat Tipsy.”

  Breanna nodded. “You're a lot older than you look, and married, and Sharon is of a different species, but that bomb got to you. I'm too young and King Dor's too old, as well as being married, but if it were just the two of us in this boat, I'd be growing up real fast. So you're right: Tipsy's safe with Phil. I'm glad of it, because she's a good woman.”

  “Yes. Actually all the women of the Isle are good, just desperate. They treated us fairly by their lights.”

  “Just as you treat others fairly.” she agreed. “You know, it's just chance that I met up with you, but I'm glad I did, and not just because it's a nice adventure. I'm learning a lot.”