Dearest Dacha

  ‘You’d have to have eyes at the back of your head before you’d be up to the carry-on of some wives,’ Duncan said. ‘You’re in the hole right enough, kid. You used to slag me off quite a bit about the “Death Before The Free Church” T-shirts. It was me that picked those words. I was guilty of that.’

  ‘You made a mistake that time,’ Davy said. ‘This time round, I’ve got to do something myself. If I’m in the shit, he’s the one that put me there, and I could kill him for it, I really could.’

  ‘I don’t think you should do that,’ Duncan said. ‘Let the Elder deal with him.’

  ‘Then the mad bastard comes after me?’ Davy said. ‘Course, they’re not your kneecaps, but that doesn’t matter, does it?’

  ‘Anyway,’ Duncan said, ‘there’s no way I’m tied to these Russian girls. I didn’t get married down in Glasgow.’ He closed his mouth and frowned. ‘Of course there’s always the house in Strumore, but I’m not responsible for the behaviour of the people who live in it. And this is the proof.’

  ‘Don’t kid yourself, Duncan,’ Davy said. ‘You’re in danger too. Forget Calum for the minute. Either he’ll go to Germany or the Elder will grab him before he does.’ He smirked briefly. ‘Or, he’ll get caught by the police with that stuff on him, and he’ll go to prison.’

  ‘We’ve got to concentrate on the Elder. Don’t open your door to anyone with a Lewis accent . . . you hear somebody cackling like a hen outside get out as quick as you can.’

  ‘No, that’s not how I see things,’ Duncan said. ‘I don’t think even the Elder could beat Tamara and Tanya if it came to fisticuffs. As for you, although the pair of you are married, you’re kind of separated and she’s doin’ her own thing.’

  ‘Duncan, I hope you’re right,’ Davy said. ‘I’m really attached to these kneecaps of mine. I’d like to keep them for a long time yet.’

  ‘I’m right,’ Duncan said.

  ‘You don’t mind, though,’ Davy said, ‘if I go and stay for a while with Alina and the kids . . . and the Lego pieces?’

  ‘Davy,’ Duncan said, ‘you can go and stay with your wife in Strumore, if it’d make you feel safer with her protecting you. We’ll get out of this. I’m going to write a couple of scripts for the old boys. You’ll get word from me when it’s time to stop worrying and start working again.’

  12

  A goat’s eyes in the head of the Elder

  Murdo MacIver, also known as the Elder, was immense. His torso was so broad and thick that it was a wonder his legs, themselves like muscled columns, could support it. In the cafeteria at Balivanich airport in Benbecula, he walked slowly towards the table where Margaret was sitting. His face was a soft one, his small brown eyes like sleepy raisins.

  ‘Margaret,’ the Elder said. He had a high-pitched, reedy voice, which a lot of men who fight acquire through being punched in the throat.

  ‘Murdo,’ Margaret said. ‘Coffee?’

  ‘No,’ the Elder said. ‘Any chance of getting a proper drink?’

  ‘It’s only half past ten,’ Margaret said. ‘I don’t know if the bar’s open yet.’

  ‘What’ll you have?’ the young waitress, a blonde teenager, enquired.

  ‘Just a couple of bottles of beer,’ Margaret said.

  ‘Uh uh,’ the Elder said.

  ‘What do you want?’ Margaret said.

  ‘Dark rum – a large,’ the Elder said.

  ‘I don’t think we’re selling spirits just now,’ the young girl said. ‘I’ll do my best.’

  ‘You do that, darling,’ the Elder said, ‘and maybe I’ll give you my phone number.’

  ‘Murdo!’ Margaret said. ‘That lassie’s still at school.’

  ‘All the better,’ the Elder said. ‘Train them when they’re young, that’s the best thing for them.’

  ‘You got a glow on, Murdo?’ Margaret said.

  ‘I had a dram on the plane,’ the Elder said.

  ‘Maybe more than one?’ Margaret said.

  ‘Well,’ the Elder said, ‘maybe I had two or three.’

  ‘You eaten yet?’ Margaret said.

  ‘On the plane,’ the Elder said. ‘I didn’t eat any of the stuff they gave us. The meat was so undercooked, you could almost hear it barking when you took a bite of it. I had a chocolate biscuit.’

  ‘You ought to have a roll here,’ Margaret said.

  ‘Not hungry,’ the Elder said. He turned his head towards the serving counter. ‘Where did that retard of a girl go?’ He noticed the girl approaching with their drinks. ‘Hey, get a move on, I’m as dry as a cork over here.’

  ‘There you go,’ the young blonde said. ‘Angus wasn’t all that keen on opening the bar at first but he made an exception eventually.’

  ‘Where do you have to go to talk to Angus?’ the Elder said.

  The waitress did not reply.

  ‘I asked you,’ the Elder said quietly, ‘where do you have to go to talk to good old Angus. I know it’s outside the building here. You maybe had to jump on your micro scooter, or take a bus. I was just wondering.’

  ‘Angus is the boss,’ the young girl said.

  ‘Murdo, leave her alone,’ Margaret said.

  The Elder raised the glass and drained it in one gulp. ‘Another large one for me, and do you want anything, Margaret?’

  ‘No,’ Margaret said, ‘I’m fine.’ She crouched down as though looking for her handbag and whispered under her breath, ‘But I don’t think you are.’

  ‘That really gets on my nerves,’ the Elder said. ‘Young things with big tits and everything, they won’t do a hand’s turn unless you’re watching them. They’re . . . they don’t give a shit for people who’re waiting for some service. All they can think about is boyfriends.’

  ‘She did you a favour,’ Margaret said.

  ‘Aye,’ the Elder said, ‘she ran to Creagorry to get a dram for me.’

  ‘You never used to be so keen on the booze,’ Margaret said. ‘You still taking communion?’

  ‘No,’ the Elder said, ‘I had to give that up. The other elders withheld the communion from me. I was summoned before the Back elders – the most powerful group in the Western Isles.’

  ‘What put them against you?’ Margaret said.

  ‘There was this young girl,’ the Elder said, ‘and she was kind of religious . . . and I used to help her with the Shorter Catechism and stuff like that. You know what they did? Oh, they’re a horrible lot. Know what the folk in Back say?’

  ‘No,’ Margaret said.

  ‘They have a motto,’ the Elder said. ‘ “We don’t eat our young here in Back. We eat your young.” They were spying on us while we were parked in the car outside the house of Alex the Grass. Right enough, it was kind of late, and she had school to go to in the morning but . . . it wasn’t fair what the deacon said to me at the full session. “Hand over your soft hat, Murdo. The great church of Back is no place for the likes of you.” I’m on the dole and I’m on Big Kenny’s programme now and again.’

  ‘Gosh,’ Margaret said, ‘I wouldn’t think you’d make much at that.’

  ‘I don’t get a penny,’ the Elder said. ‘ “Thanks a lot” if I’m lucky. But I’ll find something.’

  ‘Well,’ Margaret said, ‘I’ve got something for you here.’

  ‘Thank the Lord God,’ the Elder said. ‘I’m really hurting for the money just now. It’s hard getting work like this nowadays. People have been staying away from me lately.’

  ‘You don’t say?’ Margaret said.

  ‘You don’t mind,’ the Elder said, ‘if I drink a mouthful of your beer while I’m waiting for that ugly bitch to make it back from Lochboisdale?’ He did not wait for permission and drank half the contents of her glass.

  ‘God,’ Margaret said, ‘what a thirst you’ve got, man!’

  ‘I was up all night,’ the Elder said. ‘I never sleep a wink, I’m goin’ on the plane the next day. Planes make me nervous. We finish here I’m heading straight for the bed as soon as we get to
the hotel.’

  ‘How’re Peggy and the kids?’ Margaret said.

  ‘Hellish,’ the Elder said. ‘Donald’s turned into a waster. He left school last spring and all he does is smoke that stuff. Kylie’s got a boyfriend. She’s fourteen years old and she’s on the pill.’

  ‘No kidding!’ Margaret said.

  ‘You just can’t believe it,’ the Elder said. ‘I said to Peggy, “In the name of God, will you tell me, what’s goin’ on in this house?” She says, “You want, you’d probably prefer she gets pregnant.” I couldn’t believe it. “Peggy,” I said, “she’s fourteen years old. She’s started a bit early, do you not think?” ’

  ‘I think so, too,’ Margaret said.

  The young waitress arrived and placed a glass of rum on the table. ‘Dark rum – double,’ she said.

  ‘Bet you didn’t bring her a beer,’ the Elder said.

  ‘No,’ the girl said politely, ‘you only wanted the rum, I thought.’

  ‘You thought wrong,’ the Elder said. ‘Go and get her a bottle of beer. I’ve drunk her beer on her.’

  ‘I don’t want any more, Murdo,’ Margaret said. ‘It’s all right.’

  ‘Bring her a beer,’ the Elder said. He drank a mouthful of rum. ‘Yeah, Kylie’s too young.’

  ‘I agree with you,’ Margaret said.

  ‘You know what Peggy says to me?’ the Elder said. ‘She says, “How old was Natalie when you were goin’ with her?” ’

  ‘How old was Natalie?’ Margaret said.

  ‘Sixteen,’ the Elder said, ‘which is a completely different thing.’

  ‘I believe you, Murdo,’ Margaret said.

  ‘Everything goes to hell if you wait long enough,’ the Elder said. He stopped talking, as if he had just remembered something. ‘And Peggy’s got herself a toy-boy. I know who he is and everything, but that stuff leaves you so tired I can’t be bothered getting up and doing something about it.’

  ‘God save us,’ Margaret said.

  The waitress arrived and thumped the bottle on the table.

  ‘Congratulations, dear,’ the Elder said, ‘you managed, finally. Traffic was bad, I suppose.’

  ‘You’re not having any more,’ Margaret said. ‘You’re goin’ to collapse.’

  The Elder began to drink, rum and beer, alternatively. ‘I’ve got a great capacity for drink. So, what’re we doin’?’

  ‘We’ve got two Russian girls and a couple of lads,’ Margaret said. ‘Well, there’s really three guys, but one of them’s missing just now and I thought I’d get rid of a couple. That’d leave the girls and Duncan MacCormack for you to do.’ She looked up as the young girl appeared with a bill in her hand. ‘What do I owe you, miss?’ she said. She took out a purse and MasterCard and extended the card to the girl.

  ‘On your way back,’ the Elder said, ‘if you think you’re goin’ to be in the neighbourhood again this year, you can bring me another one.’

  ‘You can’t, miss,’ Margaret said. ‘I’m going to drink this, even if I don’t want it. He’s drinking coffee. Give the man a black coffee.’

  ‘Hey,’ the Elder said, ‘take it easy.’

  ‘Hey,’ Margaret said, ‘you take it easy. Coffee for you, boy.’

  ‘I won’t be able to sleep,’ the Elder said, ‘if I take coffee.’

  ‘Read the Shorter Catechism,’ Margaret said.

  ‘I don’t think I’ll be doing that,’ the Elder said. ‘You’re going to fix me up with a lump of that stuff.’

  ‘You need that as well?’ Margaret said.

  ‘Relax, I’m not working tonight, am I?’ the Elder said.

  ‘No,’ Margaret said.

  ‘I’m probably not goin’ to be working tomorrow night, either,’ the Elder said. ‘What day is it today, anyway?’

  ‘Tuesday,’ Margaret said.

  ‘I don’t like doin’ things as fast as this,’ the Elder said. ‘This is Tuesday, I’ll go and talk to the Russians on Sunday night. That’s when I’m goin’ to scare the shit out of them. You people in Uist are so impatient. You don’t take time to think about things. I do.’

  ‘It’s always good to meet a man I can learn something from,’ Margaret said.

  ‘I’ve been at this game a long time,’ the Elder said. ‘That leaves me free for five nights, then. Who’s coming to the hotel with the stuff tonight?’

  ‘I don’t know,’ Margaret said. ‘I’ll do my best. Some-one’ll come.’

  13

  A visit to the house of the ostriches

  When Margaret and her nephew, Tommy Matheson, arrived at Dearest Dacha in Strumore in their Land-Rover they stopped and gazed at Tanya who was outside feeding the ostriches.

  ‘God, what a size she is!’ Tommy, a handsome, fair-haired lad of nineteen, exclaimed.

  ‘That one who’s feeding the ostriches just now, that’s Tanya,’ Margaret said. ‘Wait till you see the other one.’

  ‘The other one’s bigger than Tanya?’ Tommy said.

  ‘A lot bigger,’ Margaret said.

  ‘God save me,’ Tommy said. ‘You see her at the disco you’d go, “That’s goin’ to take a lot of trips to the toilet with the half-bottle.” ’

  ‘Aren’t you lucky!’ Margaret said. ‘You’re goin’ to get to meet them and you won’t need a half-bottle at all.’

  ‘What’re we goin’ to do, Margaret?’ Tommy said.

  ‘You’re goin’ to sit down,’ Margaret said, ‘and you’re goin’ to pout so as to look sexy.’

  ‘What’re you goin’ to be doin’?’ Tommy said.

  ‘Never mind thinking about what I’m goin’ to do,’ Margaret said. ‘You just think about what you’re goin’ to do. Try and smile a lot, too.’

  ‘Do I get some money?’ Tommy said.

  ‘Two hundred,’ Margaret said, ‘and you’ll get a car out of it too.’

  ‘What kind?’ Tommy said.

  ‘Land-Rover,’ Margaret said. ‘This one.’

  ‘But that’s MacAskill’s car,’ Tommy said. ‘It belongs to the estate.’

  ‘It’s yours now,’ Margaret said.

  ‘Okay,’ Tommy said, ‘but why’re you bein’ so generous? You’re making me think.’

  ‘That’s your weak spot, Thomas,’ Margaret said. ‘Don’t you be thinking at all. Just do as I tell you, and you’ve got nothing to worry about.’

  ‘God, here she comes,’ Tommy said.

  ‘Greetings, comrades,’ Tanya bawled. ‘You want to enter Dacha? Show not begin until twenty-three hundred hours, but mother and son welcome to have glass of wodka.’

  ‘She thinks you’re my mother,’ Tommy said, laughing.

  ‘Thank you’ Margaret said. ‘We follow you.’

  ‘Come,’ Tanya said, ‘you meet my friend Tamara.’

  The front door squeaked as Tanya opened it. The three of them entered.

  Tamara, dressed in shorts and singlet, stood in the middle of the room. She was exercising with a large ball and dripping sweat. Tanya and Tamara spoke in their own language for a while. Then Tamara broke off her conversation and turned to Margaret. ‘Wodka for you?’

  ‘Yes, please,’ Tommy said.

  ‘Tommy!’ Margaret said. ‘No, thank you. I want to talk to you both . . . Me, Tanya and Tamara . . . We talk, okay?’

  ‘Okay,’ Tamara said.

  ‘You like working in Scotland?’ Margaret said.

  ‘Is okay,’ Tamara said.

  ‘Better in Germany, no?’ Margaret said. ‘Many roubles there.’

  Tamara replied with enthusiasm, ‘Yes, yes, yes!’

  ‘You like to go work in Germany?’ Margaret said, running her tongue over her lips.

  The pair of them displayed great excitement. ‘Da, da, da!’ they exclaimed together.

  ‘You like to go with . . . him?’ Margaret said.

  ‘Da, da, da!’ they said.

  ‘Hold on a minute, Margaret,’ Tommy said, ‘I don’t like . . .’

  ‘What did I tell you?’ Margaret said. ‘
Shut up.’

  ‘How old your son?’ Tamara said.

  ‘Nineteen,’ Margaret said.

  ‘Younger than husband of Tamara, Dah-vee,’ Tanya said. ‘What his name?

  ‘Tommy,’ Margaret said.

  ‘To-mee is pretty boy, no?’ Tamara said.

  There followed a machine-gun exchange in Russian.

  ‘What’s that dopey bitch saying?’ Tommy said.

  ‘They think you’re not bad-looking at all,’ Margaret said. ‘I think Tanya’s fallen for you.’

  ‘God preserve me!’ Tommy said, a hint of anxiety in his voice.

  ‘You go to Germany with Tommy?’ Margaret said. ‘He has a good car and knows the way to Hamburg.’

  Tanya and Tamara spoke in unison. ‘Da, da, da! Hamburg is good! To-mee is good!’

  Margaret took a wad of banknotes from her purse. ‘Here,’ she said to Tamara as she handed over the money, ‘a little money for you.’

  All that could be heard was the rustle of banknotes and whisperings in Russian as Tanya and Tamara counted the money. Finally, Tamara spoke. ‘You no’ want show?’

  ‘Give show to Tommy on the road,’ Margaret said.

  ‘Da, da, da,’ the Russians said with one voice.

  ‘Is good,’ Tamara said. ‘When we go?’

  ‘Oh, Margaret!’ Tommy said plaintively.

  ‘Shut up!’ Margaret said to Tommy. She turned to the girls. ‘You go Friday night. Ferry sails from Lochboisdale at ten . . . at twenty-two hundred hours. You meet Tommy there at twenty-one hundred.’

  ‘Nyet, nyet, nyet,’ Tanya said. ‘To-mee stay here. We entertain him.’

  ‘Margaret, I’m begging you,’ Tommy said, ‘don’t leave me with them.’

  Margaret made a fist with her right hand and smacked it into the palm of her left. ‘Tommy comes with me. You meet him Friday night at Lochboisdale.’

  ‘Okay,’ Tamara said seductively. ‘To-mee, Friday night I let you feel my muscles, eh?’

  ‘Let’s go, Margaret,’ Tommy said. ‘Listen, give me a loan of your mobile, will you? I’ve got to phone somebody before I leave . . . that’s if I have to leave.’

  ‘Right,’ Margaret said, handing over the phone. She turned towards the Russians. ‘Tommy make call on telephone?’