Zombie Holiday

water was snaking through like it was just daring your ass to come on down. I didn’t think it looked real deep and stepped down into the cold water.

  Just like that my foot slipped out from under me and down I went. Before I knew it I was dragging along on the bottom, bouncing off rocks and broken branches and shit. Hell, I musta left several yards of skin in that motherfucker. Not to mention, just about all that was left of my sense because after the first little bit, through the murky, swirling water, I thought I saw a boulder ahead (notice I didn’t say ‘rock’), and all I remember now is heading in its direction and then a whole lot of nothing.

  I don’t know how long I was out but I did gather some information. How useful, I’ve yet to learn, but information nonetheless. And now I’ll share it with you: we can be knocked unconscious. Now that’s a hell of a thing, ain’t it? The goddamn Dead getting knocked out. Shit, I think about it and it almost makes me laugh around that bone. But I guess it’s that head thing again.

  Regardless, I was out for the count. How long you may wonder, to which I reply, shit if I know. When I came around I was underwater and caught up in one of those twistbacks. God knows where I woulda ended up if I didn’t get snagged right there but I came to about as bloated up as a waterlogged water buffalo. At first I didn’t even know it was me. I looked around underwater and noticed this arm the size of Texas with bloated up fingers the size of Lucky Dogs floatin around in front of my face. Took me a while to get a bearing on what it was. And let me tell ya, even after I did discover myself that was only about a quarter of the problem.

  I was more twisted up than a drunk’s story on Sunday morning. And I was so fucking waterlogged and swollen my hands were about as useful as gloves on a chicken. But I finally managed. I broke through all that shit I was caught up in near the bank and managed to slide out of there like the fattest fuck you ever saw. I’d like to say it took my breath but you probably already figured out I ain’t got none to begin with. But damn I was tired.

  I finally flipped over on my back like some ancient box turtle and laid there in the sun trying to get back to normal. Normal, I say. Lucky for me the sun was high and hot that day, and it had me laying there, a big slab of fat ass. Did I make some sounds that day? Lord have mercy. Watery farts that went on for minutes at a time and were followed by a shit stream that just went on and on. Deep-seated burps that fountained muddy water out of my mouth by the gallons. But at least it felt good. Like an all day shit you been waiting for for a month.

  When I was finally able to sit up it was dark and I noticed I was naked as hell.

  Well that just didn’t sit right with me. As I said I got that hang up about sex and horror movies and sitting there beside the stream, in the middle of the night, buck-naked and weak as a kitten, I gotta tell you, made me a little nervous. I started thinking about those damn babies again. But I laid there a little while longer anyway, looking up at the sky, trying to think about good things. Sweet little puppies and girls I used to look at in high school. I got up when my thoughts began to go ugly and red.

  But hitch up your wagon, I told myself. You ain’t getting nothing done laying on your bloated ass out here in the woods. So I got up. Looked around. Appeared I had got across that stream regardless of everything else, so at least that part was over. But, goddammit, the first thing on my mind was getting some fucking clothes. This streaking thing just didn’t pad out for me.

  So I walked, my dingus flapping in the breeze. Hell, after awhile it even felt kinda good.

  And its weird, how this thing keeps on coming up sex because that’s straight where it went next.

  Round morning I was trailing through the woods. Not feeling too bad as things went. And as I walked I begun to see the reason in going naked. Hell, it was easy. Get up, roll out of bed and go about your business as God made ya. Made me think I’da done a coupla things different back in the old days if I’da only known.

  Wasn’t long before I stumbled out of the woods to the road. Dirt, unpaved. Looked like it was built to go just about nowhere. Which was exactly where I was headin. So there I was, buck-naked, walking right down the middle of that road. And that’s when I seen it. Up ahead, no more than fifty yards up, a naked butt pointing my direction. Now I got to tell you, I had to stop a minute to make sure I was seeing right. I moved to the side of the road for a better look and there weren’t no doubt. A butt. Right there by the side of the road near the underbrush, two legs attached. Someone bent over, it looked like.

  Well, hell, I didn’t know what to think.

  I shuffled up a little closer and the butt moved a little. Then I saw two icy red eyes staring back at me at about the butt’s knee level. A Deader bent over stark naked. Looking back at me. And the closer I got I could tell it was a woman. A couple more steps and I refined my thinking. It used to be a woman.

  Now it was nothing but a goddamn ghoul just like me. But what a ghoul, let me tell you. See didn’t stink much and hell, with the lights out, she’da made a coupla album covers. Then she growled at me, deep down like a dog. Stood up and faced me and I knew then she was double trouble. When she was alive she musta been a firecracker, now she was a nuclear bomb waiting to go off. Her titties were a little blue and I could see the nipples were blacker than sin but one look and my pecker was standing up to have a look. I don’t think she paid my little buddy much mind because she was still growling like a junkyard dog my direction.

  I stopped where I was, trying to figure out this new twist. Something was way wrong. She had that look in her eyes, the one I ain’t seen that much, but right about then I started thinking about those babies again. I don’t know which scared me the most, and like I been saying, ain’t much scares me these days.

  When she hissed my little willy hunkered down by my balls like he was trying to make a best friend. I looked at her and she looked at me. Then, before any more good will could pass between us I heard the gunshot.

  I damn near jumped outta my skin but she didn’t so much as blink. She just growled a little deeper. The shot had come from behind and was loud enough to have come from my back pocket if I’d had any clothes on. I thought about that bunch back there at the house and started walking faster, making my way past her as she followed me with her eyes the whole way. When I heard someone yell I decided to get out of the fucking road and hide back there in the bushes. She didn’t seem to mind one way or the other.

  Wasn’t long before the owner of that gunshot came into view. It was one guy, a Live-er I could tell straight off. I hunkered down a little closer to the tree I was hiding behind, that bone twanging like a country song in my throat. Man, I could just taste that motherfucker from here. But there was the gun.

  Me don’t like guns.

  But her, she didn’t seem to mind. She just took up her position on the side of the road, butt stuck up in the air, bent over for a little spread show. Pointing right back down the road to where that sonofabitch with the gun was coming from. I decided to stick around for the show. This definitely looked like something different.

  From where I was I could just see him when he spotted her. His goddamn jaw dropped and almost took out his knees. Immediately he pulled the shotgun up to his shoulder but instead of crashing away into the woods that crazy bitch held her ground. Even shook her butt back and forth a little bit and that’s when I really flipped. There was no doubt I was into something brand spanking new here because if my pecker was telling me what I knew it was, that bitch was baiting him.

  A goddamn black widow zombie.

  I tell ya, I just shook my head and waited. Didn’t take long either. The Live-er must have been drunk because he didn’t shoot her right off. Most woulda probably pole-axed her right through the ass with the double-ought and then blown her head off when she went down. Not this motherfucker. He was actually looking for pussy.

  Or if he wasn’t looking for it, he’d found it and wasn’t too keen on letting it get away. She waved it from side to side again and I saw his eyes go bigger. The gun didn??
?t go down but he was hooked. I seen that much.

  He called out to her but she didn’t move. He walked right up behind her. Said a few more things I couldn’t reckon. He wiped a hand across his eyes to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. Then he did about the goddamnedest thing I ever seen. He took one hand off the gun and undid his pants, shoved them down around his knees. And he had a raging boner that made mine look like a stick in the mud. He said something else and she waved back and forth again like a snake pulling in a weasel. And that did it. He threw the shotgun down in the road, ran up behind her grabbing her by the hips and started going hell for leather. I couldn’t fucking believe it.

  And the damndest thing was she let him. Started making all kinds of sounds that didn’t appear to put him off in the least. It was when he put his head back and really started to rodeo that things changed for that guy for good.

  One second his ride was bent over and taking all he was giving and the next she swung around like a bullwhip coming undone and had him by his root. He looked surprised for a one count before she ripped back and left him dickless. There was just a long strand of something bluish white hanging limp and then the blood gushed out. He tried to stop the flow with his hands