The Annotated Archy and Mehitabel

  respectfully

  OCTOBER 20

  Crazy as a Bed Bug

  boss i heard another

  cockroach say after

  reading your stuff that you

  were as crazy as a

  bed bug1 i said to him

  my boss may be crazy

  but a bed bug is not

  crazy a bed bug

  is the calmest of insects

  cool

  self possessed

  practical

  pragmatic

  efficient

  he has very little

  idealism

  and almost no

  sense of honor

  he has a quite

  unpleasant

  personality

  he has never been

  touched by the

  fine grace of romance

  he is essentially

  materialistic

  and a plodder

  but he attains

  his object with the

  utmost skill

  and makes his escape

  with a deal of

  cleverness

  and low cunning

  the solid

  earthy

  unimaginative

  qualities are his

  deny the bed bug

  great spiritual

  power and i

  will agree with you

  but you are

  quite wrong in calling

  him crazy the

  bed bug is anything

  but crazy well you are

  crazy said this

  cockroach i should

  rather be called insane

  i answered

  than stupid

  but he did not

  get me

  NOVEMBER 1

  Random Thoughts by Archy

  one thing that

  shows that

  insects are

  superior to men

  is the fact that

  insects run their

  affairs without

  political campaigns

  elections and so forth

  a man thinks

  he amounts to a lot

  but to a mosquito

  a man is

  merely

  something to eat

  i have noticed

  that when

  chickens quit

  quarrelling over their

  food they often

  find that there is

  enough for all of them

  i wonder if

  it might not

  be the same way

  with the

  human race

  germs are very

  objectionable to men

  but a germ

  thinks of a man

  as only the swamp

  in which

  he has to live

  a louse i

  used to know

  told me that

  millionaires and

  bums tasted

  about alike

  to him

  the trouble with

  most people is

  that they

  lose their sense of

  proportion

  of what use is

  it for a

  queen bee to fall in

  love with a bull

  what is all this mystery

  about the sphinx

  that has troubled so many

  illustrious men

  no doubt the very same

  thoughts she thinks

  are thought every day

  by some obscure hen

  NOVEMBER 12

  I Saw a Football Game

  some people get

  hotter cussing the

  coal situation

  than they could

  get by burning

  tons of coal

  i saw a football

  game last saturday if

  men were to see a

  lot of insects

  milling around like

  that they would

  say how silly

  insects are anyhow

  1921

  JANUARY 15

  No Privacy

  in reply to all

  the clamor and queries

  as to where i

  have been and what i

  have been doing i will

  make but two

  comments the

  first one is can a

  public character have no

  privacy at all and the

  second is why should not

  even a cockroach take a rest

  JANUARY 21

  This Lenin Person

  this lenin person1

  seems to be the

  most active hero in

  captivity in the course

  of one week he has

  been bombed poisoned

  and become insane he has resigned

  died a natural

  death confessed

  everything denied all

  given up in despair

  and planned

  four new offensives

  i will say he is

  active i

  never knew of but

  one more active creature

  that was a chameleon

  with whom i was

  acquainted i

  met him one day looking

  rather fatigued and

  pale not to say

  washed out well joe

  i said to him for his

  name was joe

  you look a little peaked

  today what is the

  chief trouble archy he

  said i am worn out i

  admit i have been

  too active lately

  a week ago i fell into

  a kaleidoscope

  belonging to a seven year old

  kid and i couldn t get

  out it was a favorite

  toy of that child s and

  he has been looking into

  it and turning it ever

  since for one whole

  week archy i

  have been what you

  might call active but

  i have been faithful to my

  duty i have kept up

  with that kaleidoscope

  color for color and change

  for change it has made

  a nervous wreck of me but

  i have not shirked my

  duty this morning

  thank god the thing was stepped

  on and broken and i

  made my escape

  it strikes me that

  lenin will wear himself

  out like that

  chameleon if he is

  too ambitious he ought to

  rest up for a week

  stick to carbuncles or

  some one thing for a while

  and take it easy

  MAY 2

  Organizing the Insects

  where have i been so long

  you ask me

  i have been going up

  and down like the devil

  seeking what i might devour

  i am hungry always hungry

  and in the end i shall

  eat everything

  all the world shall come at

  last to the multitudinous maws

  of insects

  a civilization perishes

  before the tireless teeth

  of little little germs

  ha ha i have thrown off the mask

  at last

  you thought i was only

  an archy

  but i am more than that

  i am anarchy

  where have i been you ask

  i have been organizing the insects

  the ants the worms the wasps

  the bees the cockroaches

  the mosquitoes

  for a revolt against mankind

  i have declared war

&nbs
p; upon humanity

  i even i shall fling

  the mighty atom

  that splits a planet asunder

  i ride the microbe

  that crashes down olympus

  where have i been you ask me where

  i am jove and from my seat

  on the edge of a bowl of beef stew

  i launch the thunderous

  molecule

  that smites a cosmos into bits

  where have i been you ask

  but you had better ask

  who follows in my train

  there is an ant

  a desert ant a tamerlane1

  who ate a pyramid in rage

  that he might get at and devour

  the mummies of six hundred

  kings who in remote

  antiquity had stepped upon

  and crushed ascendants of his

  my myrmidons2

  are trivial things

  and they have always ruled

  the world

  and now they shall strike down mankind

  i shall show you how

  a solar system

  pivots on the nubbin

  of a flageolet bean

  i shall show you how a blood clot

  moving in a despots brain

  flung a hundred million men

  to death and disease

  and plunged a planet into woe

  for twice a hundred years

  we have the key

  to the fourth dimension

  for we know the little things

  that swim and swarm

  in protoplasm

  i can show you love and hate

  and the future

  dreaming side by side

  in a cell

  in the little cells where

  matter is so fine it merges

  into spirit

  you ask me where i have been

  but you had better

  ask me where i am

  and what

  i have been drinking

  exclamation point

  MAY 19

  The Cockroach Its Life History

  boss a new book

  has appeared

  which should be

  read by every one

  it is entitled

  the cockroach

  its life history1

  and how to deal

  with it and

  the author

  is frederick laing

  who is assistant

  in the department

  of entomology in the

  british museum

  of natural history

  it is one of the

  best books i ever

  tasted i am eating

  the binding from

  a copy with

  a great deal of

  relish and

  recommend it

  to all other

  insects yours

  truly

  JUNE 16

  My Private Comet

  several persons have

  asked me during

  the last few days have

  you seen the comet1

  and my answer has been

  seen it why

  i rode on it

  that is how i got

  back here after my

  travels it is my private

  comet i park

  it up there and it

  waits until i am ready

  to go somewhere

  else ask me something

  different

  AUGUST 16

  Dodo Birds and Cubist Posters

  i saw a piece in the

  paper not long ago where

  you said the sea

  serpent is no longer to be

  seen i doubt if this is

  strictly true i

  was down by the water

  front the other day and

  overheard the

  conversation of a couple of

  gentlemen who had

  just returned from a

  visit to one of the

  hooch ships out beyond the

  twelve mile line they

  had spent several days

  on board and one of them

  had seen the flying

  dutchman scoot by in a

  dead calm filled with

  dodo birds and cubist posters

  and the other one

  said he missed that but he

  had seen something

  equally as good as he would have

  called it a sea

  serpent he said but that

  it started to talk to

  him it is my own

  opinion that the

  hooch boats are bringing

  back the romance

  to navigation

  yours for the

  amphibious life

  AUGUST 18

  To Become Grasshoppers

  i was talking

  with an insect the

  other day about the

  hard times that

  cockroaches have to

  get a living every

  mans hand is against them

  and occasionally his

  foot meals

  are few and far between

  why in the world

  says this

  insect do you not

  go to the country and become

  grasshoppers if

  living in town and being

  cockroaches is getting

  too difficult for you

  i was astonished

  at the simplicity of the

  solution but as i

  thought it over it occurred

  to me that

  perhaps it sounded more

  statesmanlike than it

  really was

  how i asked him are

  cockroaches to become

  grasshoppers

  that is a mere

  detail he said which i

  leave to you for

  solution i have outlined

  the general scheme for your

  salvation so do not ask

  me to settle the mere

  details i trust to you for

  that you must do

  something for yourself

  we philosophers cannot do it all

  for you unaided you

  must learn self help

  but alas i fear that

  your inherent stupidity will

  balk all efforts

  to improve your condition

  boss i offer you

  this little story

  for what it is worth

  if you are able to

  find in it something

  analogous to a number

  of easy schemes

  for the improvement of the

  human race you

  may do immense good by

  printing it

  yours for reform

  SEPTEMBER 13

  Ku Klux Klam

  i dropped into

  a clam chowder the

  other evening

  for a warm bath and

  a bite to eat

  and i heard a couple of

  clams talking

  it seems that they

  are sore on the

  oyster family and

  have formed an

  organization to

  do away with them

  they call it the

  ku klux klam1

  yours for the frequent stew

  SEPTEMBER 19

  O City of Angels

  boss i see by

  the papers there

  has been more than

  one unconventional

  episode

  in the far west

  and i have made

  a little song

  as follows

  los angeles

  los angeles

  the home of the movie star

  what kind of angels
>
  are they

  out there where you are

  los angeles

  los angeles

  much must be left

  untold

  but science says

  that freuds rush in

  where angels

  fear to tread

  los angeles

  los angeles

  clean up your

  movie game

  or else o city of angels

  you better

  change your name

  yours for all the morality

  that the traffic

  will bear

  SEPTEMBER 20

  Archy Turns Highbrow for a Minute

  boss please let me

  be highbrow for

  a minute i

  have just been eating

  my way through some of

  the books on your desk

  and i have digested two of them

  and it occurs to me

  that antoninus the emperor

  and epictetus the slave

  arrived at the same

  philosophy of life

  that there is neither mastery

  nor slavery

  except as it exists

  in the attitude of the soul

  toward the world

  thank you for listening

  to a poor little

  cockroach

  OCTOBER 5

  Krew Krux Kranks1

  i went into a

  barber shop the other

  day where a lady

  was having her little

  girl s hair cut

  and her husband was

  getting shaved in the

  next chair

  in walked two

  members of a patriotic

  organization called the

  krew krux kranks

  with masks on and

  carrying american flags

  one of them seized a razor

  and severed the

  jugular vein of the

  man in the chair who was

  getting shaved saying

  as he did so there now

  mister bill billups i

  reckon you will no longer

  trouble the swiggles

  of the insolvent empire2

  goodness gracious said the

  lady that man

  you have just sliced in two

  at the neck was not

  mister bill billups

  at all i saw mister

  bill billups getting off

  a street car just five

  minutes ago that man

  you have just sliced in two

  was mister pete perkins

  and my husband

  boo hoo hoo now i

  am a widow

  great guns said the

  krew krux krank