Beat of the Heart

  She stared at me for a moment, unblinking and unmoving. Finally, she murmured, “Thank you, AJ.”

  Grabbing my wallet out of my back pocket, I motioned to the cafeteria line. “You want something?”

  “I can get it,” she argued.

  I rolled my eyes. “Just tell me what you fucking want, Mia.”

  Instead of answering me, she gave her order to the food service worker. “A grilled chicken salad with honey mustard and a Mountain Dew.”

  “Mountain Dew? Are you insane? You aren’t supposed to have caffeine,” I countered.

  Mia turned to glare at me, but then her brows rose in surprise instead. I guess she didn’t think I would be one to have a lot of baby knowledge. I’d picked up a lot of my knowledge from my sister and Lily. “My doctor says I can have one a day. Trust me, since I’ve cut out my morning coffee, you want me to have a little dose, or I’ll cut someone.”

  I laughed. “I can totally see you doing that.”

  She grinned as we edged down the line. I ordered some pie and a coffee. I followed behind her with our tray as she picked out a table far away from everyone else. Once we sat down, we fell into a silence as we ate. After what seemed like a small eternity of scraping silverware and chewing, Mia glanced worriedly at me across the table. “AJ, there’s something else you need to know.”

  “Jesus, Mia, after telling me you’re pregnant, how could there be anything more shocking?”

  “I-I’ve been talking to Dev again.”

  I slammed my cup of coffee down on the table, sending steaming hot liquid sloshing over the edge. “You have got to be fucking kidding me.”

  She jerked her head slightly. “He came to see me the night after I got in from Jersey City.”

  “Are you sleeping with him?” I demanded.

  “I don’t think it’s any of your business.”

  “The hell it’s not. You’re carrying my child.”

  Mia’s dark eyes blazed. “Oh, are you ready to tell me about every chick you’ve banged in the four months we’ve been apart.”

  Hunkering over the table, I spat, “You wanna a great big surprise? Well, here it is. I haven’t been with anyone since you.”

  After blinking a few times, she stared at me in shock. “It’s been four months.”

  I snorted. “Trust me, cariño. My dick knows exactly how long it’s been.”

  Ducking her head, Mia refused to look at me. Instead, she pushed some of the salad on her plate. “The answer is no.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “No, I’m not sleeping with Dev.”

  Relief flooded me at her revelation. “Are you dating him? I mean, what’s the fucking deal?”

  Mia remained silent as she chewed a piece of grilled chicken. “No, I’m not dating him. He wants a second chance. Somehow he’s convinced he can work for my affection.”

  “Oh yeah? And just how hard is he working?”

  She pinned me with a stare. “Pretty diligently.”

  “He doesn’t care that you’re carrying my kid?”

  “Dev always loved and wanted children even more than I did. He says…” Mia’s gaze dropped to her lap. “He says he’d be willing to raise him or her as his own.”

  “Over my dead fucking body,” I growled.

  Mia glanced up to narrow her eyes at me. “Have you really thought about this, AJ? I mean, have you really stopped to think about what a baby means for you? You actually want to be in this for the long haul? Midnight feedings, diaper duty, teething?”

  Crossing my arms over my chest, I said, “It’s my kid. There’s no question I want—no I will—be in its life.”

  “This can’t be all part of some machismo act of staking claim on what’s yours.”

  “Don’t insult the level of my love and feelings for this child—this flesh of my flesh.” I drew in a deep breath before adding, “Or my feelings for you.”

  “And just how in the world would the baby and I fit into your lifestyle?”

  I ran my hand over my face, pausing to rub the stubble along my cheeks. “I don’t know right at the moment, but I’d make it work—we would make it work. Hell, Bray and Lily have two kids, and they do just fine.”

  “But we barely know each other.”

  I shrugged. “Then we’ll get to know each other. You can come out on tour—”

  “AJ, I have a very demanding career—one I worked very hard to get. I can’t just leave it, so I can follow you around city to city on some cramped bus.”

  I couldn’t tell if she was bullshitting me with the career thing. I mean, I knew she was serious about being a nurse, and from Frank’s testimony, she was a damn good one. A part of me understood why she wouldn’t want to give up her life for the rootless and crazy life of a musician, especially one who she wasn’t sure she loved. Hell, I wasn’t completely sold on how much I loved her—I mean, I thought I did. Regardless of the baby, I knew I cared for her more than I had any girl I’d ever been in a relationship with before. I had even gone so far as to tell Mia I loved her once—of course, I was chained to a shower head, so I wasn’t sure how much she believed me or thought I was just playing her to get out.

  “Do you love me even a little bit?” I questioned.

  “W-What?”

  “You heard me.”

  Mia sighed. “Don’t ask me that.”

  “And why not?”

  “Because I don’t have an easy answer for it,” she replied.

  “For just a second, let go of the past. Focus on the two weeks we had together.” I leaned forward on the table with my elbows. “It wasn’t just physical, Mia.”

  “I know that,” she whispered.

  I threw my hands up in frustration and fought not to growl at her. “Then why are you fighting so fucking hard against me? Jesus, Mia, I’m sitting here trying to make this work.”

  Tears welled in her eyes. “I don’t know why I’m fighting you. After we…broke up or whatever you want to call it, things have been so crazy.” She gave a slight shake of her head. “But you don’t know how much I’ve missed you.”

  My chest constricted, and I fought to breathe. “You have?” I choked out.

  She gave me a sad smile. “Of course I have. I’ve thought of you each and every day—even before I found out about the baby. If I’m honest with you and myself, I haven’t been as happy as I was when I was with you in a long, long time.”

  I exhaled a ragged breath. This woman was going to be the fucking death of me. I crossed my arms over my chest. “Listen Mia, I don’t know what you want me to say or do. You have absolutely no reason not to trust me because I never cheated on you. I told you before that I’ve never been a cheater and never will, so you should know I would never do that to you. Trust me, I want to work things out with you, but you’re gonna have to give a little.”

  Mia remained silent for some time, twisting the napkin in her lap while chewing on her bottom lip. “Next Thursday is the early gender sonogram. I would love for you to be there.”

  “Wow, we’ll know what it is already?”

  “Yes.”

  My mind began furiously fast-forwarding a week. “Let’s see. We have a show in Philly on Wednesday night.” Mia’s brows rose skeptically as if she already suspected I was going to flake out on her. “But I’m already supposed to be back here on Friday, so I can leave for Mexico. But I can come back a day early.”

  Mia’s eyes widened. “You’re leaving the country?”

  “Yeah, I’m going to my cousin’s quinceañera. Well, all my family is going actually. She’s also my goddaughter so I wouldn’t dream of missing it. Jake and Abby are coming with me to scope out some places for their wedding.”

  “I see,” she murmured.

  A thought entered my mind, and I didn’t stop to question it, I just acted on it. Reaching out, I grabbed her hand in mine. “Come with me to Mexico.”

  “AJ, be serious.”

  “I’m absolutely fucking serious. The more I think about it, the mo
re perfect it is. My parents are going to be there, so I can introduce you to everyone—let them know I’m going to be a father. And then we can spend time getting to know each other.”

  “I can’t just up and leave for a strange country in less than a week.”

  “Can’t or won’t?” I squeezed her hand in mine. “Come on, lighten up and be a little spontaneous. It’ll be good practice for life on the road.”

  “I can’t.”

  “And why the hell not? I’m sure you’ve got to have vacation time stored up. You’re not too far along to fly.” At her surprised expression, I smiled. “Between Cris, and Lily, I know just enough about pregnancy and babies to be dangerous.”

  The corners of Mia’s lips turned up, and I could tell she was fighting not to laugh. “Okay, fine, you get to the ultrasound and that will prove you want to be a part of the baby’s life. Then, I’ll come to Mexico with you.”

  Finally, I was getting somewhere with Miss Stubborn. While that fact alone made me stoked as hell, I was also pumped that in just one week, I was going to find out if I was going to be the father of a son or daughter. Finding out Mia was pregnant was intense enough, but just the thought of knowing what it would be, was even more amazing.

  With a smile, I replied, “Okay then. It’s a deal.”

  I was in the Seventh ring of Hell, heading for the very fiery center. Just to be on the safe side, I had tried making my escape from Philly on Wednesday night after our show when a fucking snowstorm blew through and closed the airport for twelve hours. When flights were finally up and running, I was left with a thirty minute window to get from Hartsfield Jackson in Atlanta to Mia’s doctors in North Fulton.

  Bottom line: I was basically fucked.

  Rhys had flown in with me since he had left his car at the airport. As I cut my eyes over at him, I shook my head. “Dude, this is a fucking Porsche. Quit driving it like a grandma.”

  Rhys’s knuckles were white on the steering wheel. “Jesus, I’m doing ninety. Excuse me for wanting to live to see tomorrow.”

  “Yeah, that’s all well and good, but if I’m late, I’m totally fucked with Mia. She will do the emotional equivalent of cutting my balls off and roasting them over an open flame if I miss this. That or have her Sicilian family literally do me in.”

  Rhys chuckled. “Listen man, you gotta calm down. Take a few cleansing breaths or some shit. I’m doing the best I can with the traffic.”

  As hard as I tried, I couldn’t seem to take his advice to calm down. Nervous energy hummed through my body. I couldn’t stop my legs from bouncing up and down in the cramped confines of the two seat convertible. I had my hands moving too as I smacked out a steady beat of our newest song Convicted on my jean clad thighs. As I stared down at the faded, holey pair of jeans, I grimaced. “Shit, I should have worn something nicer.”

  “Huh?”

  Motioning to the ratty jeans and my faded button down Polo shirt, I replied, “I look like a second rate hood rat, not an expectant father.”

  “Daaaamn,” Rhys replied.

  “What?” I demanded.

  He cut his gaze over from whipping in and out of lanes to pin me with a wicked smile. “Mia has got you completely and totally spinning.”

  “She does not.”

  “Oh hell yes, she does.”

  “This isn’t just about Mia.” When he continued scoffing at me, I shook my head. “This is bigger than the both of us now. I’ve got a kid on the way, and I gotta be the best damn father in the whole fucking world.”

  Rhys took one hand off the wheel to pat me reassuringly on the shoulder. “You’re going to be an amazing father. I have no doubt about that.”

  “You really think so?”

  “I know so.” He turned to me and grinned. “But you may wanna start working on your language.”

  I grimaced. “Sh-I mean, shoot. I really do swear like a sailor.”

  With a laugh, Rhys replied, “You’re probably okay. I mean, considering Bray is his dad and he’s surrounded by us, look all the f-bombs Jude grew up with, and he’s just fine.”

  “Yeah, that was Jude, but how quickly you forget that after da-da and ma-ma, Melody managed to say shit and damn.”

  “Oops, I forgot about that one.”

  We were making good time when one glance in the rearview mirror sent my stomach plummeting. Blue lights from an Atlanta Police Department cruiser flashed all around us. “Fuuuuuuuuck!” One peek at the clock sent me pounding my fist against the dash. “I’m screwed.”

  “Easy man,” Rhys replied as he eased into the emergency lane. My phone vibrated in my pocket. When I snatched it out, I had a new text from Mia.

  Where the hell r u? I’m at the docs, and u r not here like u promised. Appt is in 10 min!

  “Shit, shit, motherfucking SHIT!” I yelled.

  “What?” Rhys questioned he dug his wallet out of his pants.

  “I just got a pre-rage text from Mia.”

  “Uh-oh.”

  We were interrupted by the cop knocking on the window. He appeared barely out of puberty. “License and registration please.”

  Rhys quickly obliged by rolling down the window and thrusting out the two cards.

  Before the cop glanced at them, he asked, “You do realize you were doing ninety-five miles an hour in a seventy zone?”

  “Yes sir, and I do apologize for that. I normally obey the speeding laws, but you see, my friend has a very important appointment he needs to get to. Unfortunately, to appease him, I felt it necessary to break the law,” Rhys replied, oozing the charm and respectfulness he’d been raised with.

  One glance at Rhys’s license, and the cop exclaimed, “Holy shit!”

  “Excuse me officer?”

  Leaning in the open window, the cop, whose badge read Carlisle, eyed Rhys. “Are you the Rhys McGowan, the guitarist for Runaway Train?”

  Silently, I mouthed “FUCK YEAH!” and did a mental fist pump in my seat as I saw a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel. I never shamelessly used my fame, but I sure as hell was going to do it today.

  A million dollar grin spread across Rhys’s cheeks. “Why yes, I am.” Jerking his thumb at me, he replied, “And there’s AJ Resendiz.”

  “Holy shit!” Officer Carlisle exclaimed again. His head shook back and forth so fast I thought he might lose his hat. “Dude, you guys are like my most favorite band in the world! I snuck in to Eastman’s once to see you guys play.”

  “Really? That’s awesome. We always love meeting die-hard fans, so let me shake your hand.” Rhys stuck his hand through the window.

  As Officer Carlisle pumped Rhys’s hand up and down, he exclaimed, “Oh man, no one at the station is going to believe this!”

  “You mean we’re not on your dash cam?” I questioned.

  He shook his head. “Nah, I’ve got an older cruiser, and we’re still working on installing them throughout the department.” He scratched the stubble on his chin. “Maybe I can have you sign something?”

  The wheels in my head started spinning in overdrive. I practically leapt over into Rhys lap, so I could get closer to Officer Carlisle. “Yeah, I didn’t need those balls,” Rhys groaned.

  “Listen man, I take full responsibility for the speeding, and I’ll be happy to pay whatever ticket we need to—hell, I’ll even pay double—it’s just I need to get out of here ASAP!” As Officer Carlisle stared at me skeptically, I exhaled a noisy breath of frustration. “Here’s the deal. I’ve got exactly…” I glanced at the dash and cursed under my breath. “I’ve got five minutes to get to the doctor’s office, or I’m in deep shit.”

  “Dude, I’m sorry. I didn’t know you’re sick.”

  “No, it’s not me. It’s just if I don’t get there on time my…” Shit, I didn’t know exactly what to call Mia. Girlfriend? Ex-flame? Baby Mama? I cleared my throat. “It’s like this. If I’m not there for the gender ultrasound for my baby, I may never have a chance to be a part of its life because its mother will emotionally cut m
e out of her life and then maybe even cut my balls off.”

  Officer Carlisle shook his head. “Dude, that’s some tough shit.” He shifted on his feet momentarily before nodded. “Follow me,” he instructed.

  As he started back to his cruiser, I glanced over at Rhys. “Think we’re about to get a police escort?”

  “Hell to the yeah!” he exclaimed with a grin.

  Flashing blue lights commenced followed by the wail of the police siren. Officer Carlisle pulled out first and then Rhys eased out behind him, turning on his flashers. While we started making our way down the interstate, I quickly texted Mia back to let her know I was on the way. When she didn’t respond, I got a little nauseated.

  “Oh fuck,” Rhys groaned.

  Glancing up from my phone, my heart plummeted at the sight of bumper to bumper traffic. “You have got to be shitting me!”

  We came to a full stop behind Officer Carlisle’s cruiser. He stepped out and then came back to the car. “Sorry man. I just heard on the radio that an eighteen wheeler jackknifed about a mile up the road.”

  “Damn. Damn. DAMN!” I cried. This time I beat my head, instead of my hands, against the dash.

  “Stop it, AJ,” Rhys demanded.

  I shook my now aching head miserably and fought the urge to hang my head out the window and scream at the top of my lungs. “I’m utterly fucked, dude.”

  “I’m sure if you explain it to Mia, she’ll—”

  I snorted. “No man, you don’t get it. Not only is she pregnant and a hormonal hurricane, but every single guy she’s been with has let her down. It’s not just about being the exception to that rule. If I screw this up, she could totally give up on me and choose that douche of an ex fiancé of hers.” With shaking hands, I grabbed my phone and prepared to make the call I really, really didn’t want to. But even if I dreaded calling Mia, I refused to just not show up. An excuse was better than being stood up.

  “Listen, maybe you won’t be too late. I mean, we’re only about a half a mile down the road.”

  My head snapped up. “It’s only that far?”