Tristan: Finding Hope

  "Oh, I'm sure that'll go over well," I say as Quinton joins us, handing me a cigarette as he lights up one himself. "I can just picture it now. A needle on the front and inside 'Congrats on not being a disgusting user anymore.' " Just talking about the needle makes my veins throb with need.

  Nova's face instantly falls and Quinton shoots me a warning. "What's wrong?" Nova asks. "You should be happy, but you're not."

  She's right. I'm not. I don't think I ever really have been. Half the time I'm not even sure why, but today I know. My mom's got me feeling guilty about Ryder and her birthday. I envied the high I could hear in my mom's voice, not just because it'll take all the emotional pain away but because it's easier to deal with being so alone when I'm out of it. But I'm good at faking being happy and I plaster a smile on my face. "Sorry. I just didn't sleep very well last night... I had a lot of stuff on my mind."

  Nova leans in closer. "You want to talk about it?"

  I shake my head, popping the cigarette into my mouth and then reaching into my pocket to get my lighter. "No, I'm good, but thanks." I inch away from her and light up as she leans back. "I am fucking hungry, though. So how about we go eat." I say it because it's what she wants to hear and it'll get her to leave me alone so I can sulk in my own head because what I really want to doing is snort lines. I know it's wrong. Know I'm fucked up for not being able to stop. But I've accepted that I might always be that way. An addict and I'm about to fuck up again, be the loser I am. But I tell myself I need it, that I can't live without it, because it makes it easier to do.

  Chapter 3

  Nova has to get ready and Quinton goes back into the room with her. It's the perfect opportunity for me to take care of my craving. So I pretend to go back into my room, then I slip outside unnoticed and walk to the last door of the motel. There's a guy there who call himself D-Man. I ran into him once when I was wandering around outside. He was totally a tweaker: skinny, thinning hair, pale skin, bones protruding, teeth rotting, sores on his skin. It was looking into a mirror of the past and after chatting for a little while, I ended up doing a line with him, hence my slipup a few weeks ago. Quinton was the one who found out. Ex-tweakers have a radar for people who are spun out of their minds. He stayed with me until my system was clean, until the crashing was over, and he's been watching me like a hawk every since. He didn't tell Nova about it, which I'm grateful for. The last thing I want to do is see the disappointment in her eyes that I've seen many times before, including when I kissed her. That one stung.

  I rap on the door and he opens up, his eyes glossed over with that look I crave. I need to make it quick before I get busted, so I say I need to buy a hit, or two, or three, or four.

  "Sure man," he says, his voice in that same euphoric state as my mother's. He goes back into the room and I wait outside because I can see the syringe and spoon on his nightstand and I know if I step over the threshold I'll want to do that, but I can't. Not without being busted the moment I pass out. Plus that's the cause behind why we're going out to celebrate that I'm disease free today. Still, I crave it and I think I pretty much keep my eyes on it the entire time until D-Man comes back with a small bag with a pinch of white crystals in it. I give him the money, and then tuck it into my pocket, hurrying back toward my room so I'll have time to do it before we go out.

  But my plan goes to shit because Quinton's waiting outside when I get there, smoking, and when he sees me coming, he gets this weird look on his face like his tweaker radar is on.

  "Where've you been?" he asks, ashing his cigarette as he searches my eyes, probably for enlarged pupils and lack of blinking.

  I miss a beat, but recover. "I went to see if they have any gum in the vending machines," I say, pointing over my shoulder. "If we're going to a restaurant, I'm not going to be able to smoke when I want to and I'm going to need something to keep me from wanting to grind the shit out of my teeth all night."

  He's not buying it, but doesn't press. "Nova will be out in just a second," he says and plops down on the curb, stretching out his legs. He doesn't ask me to sit down and I could easily slip back into my room and do my line. It'd make tonight a hell of a lot easier to bear. But I know if I do, he's going to sense something else is up, and honestly, I don't want him to know that I'm still that person who runs to drugs every time there's a bump in the road. Or maybe I'm just deciding what road I want to go down.

  Chapter 4

  Quinton and I sit on the curb while we wait for Nova to come out. We smoke and stare as the blue sky shifts to gray. It's fairly quiet and we only talk every few minutes. It reminds me of when we were both doing drugs and we just sit and let time waste away. It makes it difficult not to pull out the bag and say "Let's take a hit," and it makes the bag feel like it's burning a hole in my pocket. I'm going to have to find a way to get alone so I can do it.

  About fifteen minutes later, Nova walks out of their room wearing shorts and a clean tank top, her hair down and running down her back in waves. "Okay, so Avery should be here any second."

  "Who the hell is Avery?" I ask as Quinton says, "Sounds good."

  Nova shuts the door, slinging her purse over her shoulder. "Oh, she's the girl whose house we're building. She actually stopped by today and we got talking and I said how we were going out to celebrate. She mentioned she knew some good places with good music and offered to take us out as a thank-you." She plops down on the curb between Quinton and me. "She's really nice. I think you'll like her."

  I rake my fingers through my hair. Great. One more person I'm going to have to escape tonight. "What exactly did you say we're celebrating?"

  "Life," Nova says simply. I press back a smile. Only her.

  A moment later a horn beeps and Nova glances around the parking lot and then waves at this old red Jeep with the top off parked just a ways off. "There she is." She gets up and heads over and Quinton and I follow her.

  "You okay with this?" Quinton asks quietly cross the parking lot.

  "With what?" I ask, patting my pocket to make sure I have my cigarettes and lighter on me.

  "With going out with a stranger on your night?"

  "My night?" I say in a sarcastic tone. "You make it sound like I'm a sixteen-year-old girl going to prom."

  He snorts a laugh. "You know what I mean."

  I shrug. "Yeah, I'm fine with whoever goes. It's all the same."

  He nods and then slows down as we reach the Jeep. He opens the door to get in and the girl... Avery or whatever says hi to him as he flips the seat back and climbs in. I follow, letting Nova take the front. As I'm getting situated in the backseat, I get a good look at this Avery girl. When Nova said that there was a girl coming with us and that it was the one we were building the house for, I expected someone older. Avery has long brown hair with a streak of purple going down it, hazel eyes surrounded by black eyeliner, and full lips with a piercing just above the top one. She's got to be around twenty, give or take a few years, which has me confused why we're building her a house. She looks like she should be in college. Usually when we build houses, they're for families.

  "I'm Avery," she says as she turns in her seat and extends her hand to me. I notice she has a cross tattooed on her forearm with the word Survivor below it. I wonder what she's survived.

  "Tristan," I say, taking her hand and shaking it. There's this weird moment between the two of us where I sense that she's checking me out just as much as I'm checking her out. She's not bad on the eyes at all. Totally fuckable. She looks like she's been through some stuff, rough around the edges, eyes that carry secrets. I wonder what those secrets are--I wonder if they're as fucked up as mine.

  "Nice to meet you, Tristan," she says, giving me a once-over, in this slow, lasting way.

  She takes one last look then turns to Quinton, smiling, but it doesn't quite reach her eyes. "And good to see you again, Quinton."

  "Likewise," Quinton says as Nova hops into the front seat and closes the door. "So where are you taking us?"

  Avery grabs t
he shifter as she turns on the headlights. "I was thinking about going to the The Vibe. They've got some really good food and music and it's not as rowdy as some of the other shit around here." She drives onto the road, the wind sweeping through the roofless vehicle. "You guys are all twenty-one, right?" She specifically glances at me from over her shoulder and I almost laugh. That's a first. Usually people think I'm older.

  "I'm twenty-three," I tell her, then just because, I decided to throw it back at her. "You don't look old enough, though."

  "Twenty-two." She winks. "But I'll take that as a compliment."

  "I meant it as a compliment." And now I'm flirting.

  Quinton glances at me, arching a brow, like Really, you're going to go there? Avery seems to enjoy it, still smiling as she turns around in her seat.

  "What?" I ask him, playing dumb.

  "Nothing." He shakes his head, then leans toward me. "Be careful, man. Remember, she's the person we're building a house for and it's not going to go over well if you hook up with her and bail out the next morning."

  I glance up front to see if Nova and Avery are paying attention, but they're chatting about bands. Nova plays the drums and Avery plays the guitar and they both seem excited about this.

  "Who said I'm planning on hooking up and bailing on her?" I ask quietly.

  "You have that look in your eyes."

  "What look?"

  He gives me an accusing look. "The one you get right before you hook up and then leave the girl two seconds later. I know the drill man. I used to do it too, remember."

  "Hey, maybe I'm planning on hooking up with her and sticking around for a while," I say.

  "In the four years we've been around each other," he says. "I've never seen you ever once stick around."

  I want to tell him that's not true. That I stuck around for Nova, even when we didn't hook up. I almost do too, mainly so he'll get pissed and I can go get high without worrying about him keeping an eye on me. But Nova and Avery are in the car and I don't know Avery and Nova's seen enough of the ugly in me for a while. So I keep my lips shut and I kind of zone out for the rest of the drive, thinking about Ryder. I feel bad for not going home, but not because of my mother. Ryder was a good sister. Things were easier when she was there. When I was younger, she saw me when I was invisible to everyone else in my family. I should have gone home, if nothing else, for her.

  Guilt creeps up inside me and I want nothing more than to quiet it the one way I know how. I put my hand into my pocket and feel the plastic in the palm of my hand. God, what I'd give to pull it out now.

  The sky gets darker as we merge into the heart of the small town, the buildings lining the sides of the roads lighting up the night with their signs and flashing lights. I start flicking my lighter restlessly, needing to light up, but I'm not about to do it somebody else's car. So I wait until we're parked, then I hop out and quickly light up, feeling my heart and thoughts still. Quinton lights up too, and then Avery surprises me when she asks to borrow my lighter so she can light up as well.

  "Wow, I feel like I'm about to get cancer," Nova jokes as we walk toward the front door with a cloud of smoke around us.

  "Oh, do you want me to put is out?" Avery asks, bending down like she's going to put it out on the ground. She's got a nice body, leggy, a tight ass. She's wearing a tight black dress with boots, the back of her dress low and revealing a tattoo of a tree, half dead, half flourishing. The flourishing half has leaves blowing away from it and below it the words: Carry me away, to where I can breathe, to where my soul can thrive again, to where I can be free to where I can live again. There's more too it than that, but it goes below the dress. I'm curious what the rest of it says. I have my own tattoos with their own meanings and that kind of a tattoo has to have a meaning. Maybe it's her life story. It makes me wonder if I can get under the dress to see if she was able to live again and why she thought she was dying.

  "So do you have any of your own?"

  I jerk from my thoughts and realize that Avery is standing to the side of me and Nova and Quinton have migrated to the front. "Any of my own what?" I ask distracted by how intense Avery's eyes are up close--this girl has definitely been through some stuff.

  She reaches around and touches her back. "Tats." Her hand falls to her side. "I saw you staring at mine."

  "Oh." I take a drag from my cigarette, thinking of what Quinton said about staying away from her and how I want to do the opposite at the moment. "A few here and there."

  Her eyes scroll over my body and she smiles, but it's a ghost smile, masking this tremendous amount of pain her eyes carry. "Leaving it up to my imagination, huh?"

  I'm not sure if she's just being friendly or flirting, but I'm going with the latter because it gives me a good excuse for what I do next. "One on my ribs. One on my arm. The third one's a secret." I wink at her. "Maybe I'll show it to you later."

  Her expression never wavers, making it hard to unravel her. And flirt. She ashes her cigarette before taking a drag off it. "Any of them mean anything?"

  "They all do." I arch a brow at her. "Yours?"

  She nods, biting her lip. "All five of them."

  I want to ask her about the one on her back, but we're approaching the line in front of the entrance to the place we're going to and the crowd's voices silence me.

  "You guys wait here," Avery says, walking back toward the front of the line with a finger held up. "I'll be right back."

  As soon as she's out of sight, Nova says, "Are you guys going to be okay with this place?"

  Quinton glances at the door then back at her. "As much as I love you, you need to relax. We've been to clubs before, even after we got clean."

  I discreetly catch Quinton glancing at me, which means he's worried about me, but isn't going to say anything to Nova because it'll only make her worry more.

  "I should have told her no places with alcohol," Nova mutters, frowning at the ground.

  "Every place has alcohol," I tell her, then playfully nudge her shoulder. "Would you relax? We'll be fine." I lift up my hand as if making a vow. "And I won't drink. I promise." I'll just do the line in my pocket.

  She still seems concerned, but gets distracted when Avery comes skipping back with a half-smoked cigarette in her mouth and three pink bands in her hand and one around her wrist. "Here. Put these on." She hands us each a band, looking very proud of herself. "And follow me."

  "What about the line?" Nova asks as she puts the band on her wrist.

  Avery pulls her cigarette out of her mouth. "I have connections." She turns around to head to the front, giving me another once-over, looking like she's trying to be nonchalant about the fact that she's checking me out, but falters a little. It makes it really hard not to just grab her and kiss her. I'm not that kind of guy, though. I'm honestly not even sure when the last time I just made out with a girl was. I've fucked a lot of girls, ones I didn't know, ones that were high--I was high. I'm not even sure if I know how to just kiss.

  We follow Avery to the front of the line and the bouncer lets us right through, giving Avery a kiss on the cheek as she walk by and muttering something about being sorry to hear about Conner. The name makes her expression falter, but she quickly recovers and plaster a fake smile on her face. Boy, she's fucking good. It always takes me a beat or two to fake it. She must have a lot of practice. Why, though?

  "Thanks," she says to the bouncer, then opens the door and we follow her inside the club.

  The lighting is low, like it is in most clubs. The music loud and bass throbbing. The air smells like smoke, sweat, and booze. There's a dance floor that gives everyone an excuse to rub up against each other until they all become so horny they have to pair off and go back for a one-night stand. I know the scene. Lived it for a long, long time, and it makes me want to live it again. Maybe Nova's right. We probably should have avoided places like this tonight.

  We find a table in the back corner where it's less noisy. Nova and Quinton sit down and Nova picks up a menu. I'm
glancing around, looking for the bathroom, not because I have to piss, but because I need to do this line before it drives me insane.

  "You want to come with me to get drinks?" Avery asks me. She has this accusing look on her face and I swear she knows exactly what I was just thinking. But how could she? No one possibly could.

  "Sure," I tell her, one single word that's really fucking hard to get out.

  "You guys want anything?" Avery asks Nova and Quinton.

  "A water's fine," Quinton says, but I can tell it's a little difficult for him to say it when we're here in a room full of booze.

  "A diet Coke," Nova says, opening up the menu. Her gaze flicks to me for a moment and I can tell she's wondering what I'm going to come back with.

  "Relax," I say to her, just so she'll stop. "I'll be a good boy. I promise."

  That gets her to smile.

  I follow Avery to the bar area where she leans over the counter, trying to flag down the bartender. Her dress rides up and I get a glimpse of this unique flower symbol-type tattoo on the back of her thigh. That makes three I've seen. Only two more to go.

  "Hey Benny, would you hurry your ass up," Avery calls out playfully to the bartender, who glances over at her and grins.

  "Keep your panties on," he says as he pours some shots. God, it's been a while since I've had a shot. "I'll be over in a second."

  Avery laughs and then settles on a barstool, her eyes landing on me. "So are you going to sit down or just stand there?"

  She's got me thrown off a little. Very blunt. Very forward, or at least that's how it seems. But like I said, there's this look in her eyes like she's trying to keep a lot of secrets buried.

  I drop down on the stool and rest my arms on the countertop. "You come here a lot? You seem to know a lot of people around here."

  "Well, I should," she says with a twinkle in her eyes. "Since I work here every afternoon from noon to five."

  I want to ask her why she's in desperate need for a house, but I don't want to make her uncomfortable, so I opt for option number two. "So what's the tattoo on the back of your leg mean?"

  She smiles at me again in this dark, mysterious sort of way. "You noticed that one, huh?"