The Coming of the Teraphiles

  outer bulkhead. 'Very well, Doctor. Very well.' His tone was

  suddenly measured, cautious. 'You have found my Achilles

  heel, as it were. Clever. You know far too much about us. Far

  too much.'

  Silence continued to shoulder in on the scene. Everyone

  held their breath.

  Still keeping the long arrow in place, Frank/Freddie

  Force continued to make his way crabwise to the bulkhead;

  his astonished men, unsure of what was happening, but

  understanding that they were all in serious danger, formed

  a semicircle around him. He reached the ship's inner hull

  and spread himself against it. His men followed his example

  Then, to Amy's utter surprise, the Antimatter Men and their

  leader slowly turned into hazy outlines of pink and white

  and faded from sight into the bulkhead until they vanished.

  The arrow shot at Frank/Freddie by the Doctor clattered

  to the metal floor. Captain N'hn ran back towards his bridge,

  yelling orders to his crew with the Doctor and Amy following

  rapidly in his wake.

  The centaur flung himself into his big bucket seat and threw

  every lever and switch, turned every dial on his boards, until

  a high, musical whine filled the ship. She bucked forward

  under more pressures than she had ever been designed to

  stand, putting a great many parsecs between herself and

  the pirates, while General Frank/Freddie Force and his men

  turned once more into candy-striped ribbons of energy and

  fled through the void in an effort to get to safety before the

  emergency batteries in their pseudo-skins' power packs gave

  out. The captain whinnied with amusement, though he kepi

  his eyes on the screens and continued to check the distance

  between his tanker and the disabled pirate craft.

  'Well done, Doctor,' Amy cried. 'How did you know he

  was bluffing?'

  Captain N'hn shook his head. 'He wasn't bluffing! He

  wasn't bluffing! What I want to know is how you knew where

  the power for his faux derm was coming from, Doctor.'

  'It had to be an implant point and it had to be protected

  as much as possible by fat. Logic! And eyes. I used my eyes.

  The rest was hoping I could aim decently while he was

  distracted.'

  'Will he try again?' Amy wanted to know.

  'I'm certain he will. Probably not immediately. He's taking

  quite serious risks already. And we're letting ourselves gain

  momentum as the black hole draws us in.'

  'What on earth could he want with that awful hat? And

  why pinch it twice?' Amy peered at the screens. General

  Frank/Freddie Force and his followers were well behind them

  at last. All she could see were the faint and distant stars.

  'I don't think he did pinch it first. He wouldn't need two

  goes at it once he had it in his hands. So someone else must

  have made the first attempt They might have been working

  for Force and Co. It's hard to say. If Lady Peggy Steel, the

  Invisible Thief, was with him... As far as I know, this is the

  first time he's risked coming so far away from that black

  hole. That hole is the core of our universe, as an even denser

  one exists for the whole multiverse. Both lie at the centre of

  our universe and Frank/Freddie Force's antimatter universe.

  Don't worry about it. OK? He's taking extraordinary risks -

  chancing suicide with every move he makes out here. Even

  to go a little way into such a completely alien environment

  takes either a lot of courage... Or considerable desperation.

  The Doctor shook his head. 'What does that hat represent?'

  The door opened and Mrs Banning-Cannon stood there.

  'About two million bluebacks,' she said. 'Some believe no

  one's ever paid so much for one of Diana's hats. She refused

  to sell it. I told her how I wanted it for the prizegiving in

  Miggea, and she relented. But that silly little man surely

  wouldn't have gone to such lengths just to steal a hat for

  ransom or to give it to a lady friend. The materials are worth

  a great deal, of course. It contains living organisms. Could

  the hat contain a rarer precious stone or metal than even

  Diana knew about when she sold it to me? I inspected it

  thoroughly, of course, the moment it was in my hands again.

  It did, I will admit, look a bit like a dead spider. But I found

  nothing. I was indeed a little disappointed when I examined

  the materials. In artificial light it appears rather tawdry.

  Mere platinum and a few rare stones. Oh, all the usual junk.

  I suppose her artistry lies in what she does with them. All

  ruined now of course. Once a hat has shown its furniture I

  fear it has become unwearable. Still, the principle remains.'

  Mrs Banning-Cannon sighed deeply. 'I came to thank

  you, Doctor. There are few men who would so readily take

  such risks as you did to defend a lady's honour. Ah, if there

  were only a planet where men and women of courage could

  retire... some Old Barsoom brought back to life.'

  The Doctor cleared his throat. 'Well, er, I - that is, I'm

  sure...'

  Amy gave Mrs B-C her best and most winning smile. 'He's

  like that,' she said. 'Chivalrous. Impulsive. A bit of a Don

  Quixote. That's why I'm just happy sometimes to be his little

  Sancho Panza.'

  'Is that a sort of secretary or PA?' asked Captain N'hn,

  who took little interest in ancient texts.

  'Something like that,' agreed Amy showing her teeth.

  Chapter 12

  That Old Spaceship Shuffle

  'I SAY, DOCTOR, THAT was a smashin' bit of shootin',' said W.G.

  Grace, the Bearded Lady and the best whacker on the team,

  resting her arm over her beloved antique bow-case and letting

  her spare hand lift a cup of Assam to her hirsute lips.

  At this rate you'll become a pretty useful second-best

  bowman, eh?' Bingo winked at his new friend.

  'Don't overdo it, chaps,' added Hari, 'or his head will swell

  until we're able to use it for a target.'

  By now the boys of the First Fifteen were bonding like

  billy-o, all differences forgotten over a pint or two of tea

  and a fruit bun at the temporary mess reserved precisely

  for this function. Within hours they had joined in the old

  debate concerning broadswords. Bingo thought they should

  remain at a metre wide and about a third of a metre long.

  Hari felt they should be shorter. The broadswording event

  required extraordinary skill but was not a sport popular

  with spectators. There was talk of dropping it from the

  programmes in future. Others wanted to change it. Donna

  Bradmann fried sausages over a single-burner portable heat

  canister. The Doctor rather enjoyed the sensation of retreat

  into an Edwardian school story. He was getting the kind of

  rest he needed, but soon he would have to sleep and think.

  Meanwhile, Amy was enjoying the non-players' company,

  with not quite as much tea being consumed and a little more

  Vortex Water, as issues of the day were discussed, such as

  whether Allardyce had any chance against Preston in next
>
  year's intergalactic home game. Flapper wondered what the

  General Ejection in Nova Roma would mean for the galactic

  council. Seventy-eight members were up for ejection in the

  coming year. Amy was fascinated. She had not realised that

  the galaxy was actually democratic.

  'If you can call it democratic,' said Flapper bitterly and

  launched into a long and somewhat parochial attack on a

  great many people with unpronounceable names whom she

  assumed Amy knew.

  '... and Mummy's paying far too much for the old ones,'

  she complained.

  'The old ones?'

  'Yes, the ones being ejected. That's how you pay for the

  new ones' campaigns. By selling off the previous incumbents

  who then have to work for a person rather than the people.

  They're called lobbyists.'

  'I'm only buying fifty this time,' declared Mrs Banning-

  Cannon. 'The last lot were a complete waste of money.'

  She frowned. She was still trying to work out what Frank/

  Freddie Force had wanted with her hat. But she was full of

  praise for the Doctor, whom she declared to be a knight in a

  shining armoire. Which, for Amy, brought up the image of

  the Doctor attired in a natty French wardrobe.

  She smiled. 'Did you actually buy that hat on Peers™, Mrs

  Banning-Cannon?'

  'I ordered it when we stopped on Loondoon for the Heart

  of the Blitz re-enactments. Diana herself was there - a woman

  of extraordinary beauty - and promised to send the hat by

  Gbot to Peers™, where I could pick it up at her branch in the

  Forest Mall. Which, of course, I did, planning to wear it for

  the Highest Tea ceremony.'

  'Gbot?'

  'You know, one of those warpers that make holes in

  space. The kind of holes which form vortices and kill human

  messengers.'

  Amy deduced she was talking about a robot courier. 'And

  it was never out of your possession until it was stolen?'

  'Exactly.'

  'But it was made in Loondoon?'

  'So I understood. You don't suppose Diana or one of her

  staff used my hat to get through customs on Peers™, do

  you?'

  'That's a thought,' said Amy. 'Suppose something was

  smuggled in the lining - something that Frank/Freddie Force

  and the rest wanted badly, but which someone else stole.

  That would mean your hat no longer carries the contraband

  but that the thief now has it. And the thief's on this ship.'

  'Why do you assume that?'

  'Because Frank/Freddie Force detected what he was after

  and assumed that the hat still had its secret intact.'

  'Ah, of course. Well, I have to admit that the hat was

  returned to me in poor condition. The great central arc sagged

  a little. And the decorations were all over the place.'

  'Could it be possible that part of your hat has come adrift?'

  Amy was still a little vague about her theory. She wished she

  were bouncing ideas off the Doctor.

  But the Doctor was still bonding, swapping tall stories with

  his new buddies, and scoffing crumpets and teacakes. That

  is to say, their tales were tall and his happened to be true but sounded tall. Everybody knew about the legendary Daleks

  who had once sought to invade and inhabit the galaxy. But

  few had heard the stories he had to tell. Not that anyone

  believed him, which was why they admired him.

  'You ought to be writing for the Vs, Doctor,' roared W.G.

  Grace, slapping her not inconsiderable thigh-

  'Rather!' declared Donna, detaching another crumpet

  from her toasting fork and handing it to W.G., who delicately

  wiped crumbs from her magnificent face foliage.

  'You can tell 'em all right Doctor,' declared Denise

  Compton, the Second Fifteen's second-best whackswoman.

  'You've done some space travelling in your time, I'd guess.'

  'I like to travel,' the Doctor admitted. 'I have what you

  might call an enquiring nature.' As if to demonstrate, he

  became suddenly thoughtful. 'I was trying to work out how

  they could disseminate long enough to cross space on a

  photon beam. They expected to leave that way, though with

  the hat, having taken horrible risks to acquire it. They had

  less than a twenty-five per cent chance of survival, same as

  they gave us. So what makes it so valuable?'

  The company had become infected by his mood. 'By George,

  that was the spookiest bally thing I ever saw in my life and all

  of them dressed up like organ grinders' monkeys!' declared

  Denise. She was still a little shaky from the encounter. 'Was it

  an illusion, Doctor? I mean, if we looked around, would we

  discover it was a bunch of your old mates putting on a show

  to liven up this boring voyage?'

  The Doctor allowed himself a smirk. 'I wish I had that

  level of creativity.'

  Somehow the subject got changed to archery techniques in

  enclosed spaces and how you could rig up a perfectly good

  quintain if you didn't mind using the casing of the ship's

  nuker. A chap someone knew knew of a chap who had used

  the cadmium rods at full draw to give him eighteen hits or

  rolls. Sadly they'd blown up passing Kali 4.

  At length, feigning tiredness, the hero of the hour made

  an excuse and left musing for bed. Stooping uncomfortably,

  he was met in the gangway by a slightly flushed and

  cheerful Amy, whose unruly red hair stood on end as she

  realised that they had both been wondering the same thing:

  what could be worth risking the death of the universe for?

  Because Frank/Freddie Force, the Antimatter Men and Lady

  Peggy Steel, the Invisible Crackswoman, reportedly often in

  his company, all wanted what was hidden aboard this ship.

  'They gambled their own lives on it being here. And ours,'

  said Amy. 'And if you hadn't happened to be carrying a bow

  and arrows and acted with unusual presence of mind her

  grin widened - 'who knows what would have happened?'

  By now they were sitting in the makeshift gaming room

  where a few other parties were playing virtual machines.

  Some machines were so threadbare they were barely visible

  to anyone but the users. The pair sat in the darkness, well to

  the back, and talked quietly.

  'It would have produced a totally chaotic effect swiftly

  followed by a collapse into permanent stasis. Caused by

  an in-turned war of the very forces evolved to maintain the

  great multiverse in perpetuity,' the Doctor murmured. 'We're

  going to need assistance from the Second Aether. Those

  brawly boys are mad as moonbeams and as hard to catch

  long enough to question and see if they'll help us.'

  He'd already told her that only in those spaces lying

  between the twin planes of matter and antimatter, Law and

  Chaos, was this war understood and exploited in full. The

  Second Aether was the realm between space and time where

  the Famous Chaos Engineers performed their morphing

  miracles. They called themselves names like The Secondaries

  or The Preprincipleasures and lived in a dimension not even

&n
bsp; Morphail's wizard scientists could explain. This environment

  was thought to be the legendary spaces of the inbetween, which

  could be traversed by winding roads of energy and where

  peoples of every species, race and creed walked between the

  worlds. To some they were known simply as the Spaces, but

  to the more romantically inclined, the Second Aether.

  Home to the totally opposed immeasurable entities

  generally known as the Spammer Gain and the Original

  Insect, the Second Aether sheltered many a corsair tribe but

  in the main the inhabitants left the real fighting, the blood

  feuding and the empire building to their associates. They

  took sides fighting for those they called the Principles.

  The Doctor sighed and grimaced, his eyes opening wide as

  another thought struck him. 'We know they don't side with

  Law or Chaos, Matter or Antimatter, Reason or Romance.

  But most of them will rally to a call. They need Law as life

  needs death and as waking needs sleeping. I'll see what I can

  do. It's risky, but it's worth a try. Meanwhile we're somehow

  hosting a mystery beacon radiating to every millinery freak

  for umpteen billion parsecs and we don't know where to

  look for it. Desperate measures, Amy. What do you call those

  odds?'

  'Oh, be generous,' she said, her spirits rising. 'Fifty-fifty?'

  'Let's make it more interesting,' he said, running through

  his pockets until he found a live card, flashing and gaudy

  in the light. 'Neither side will be happy with a tie in these

  circumstances. Let's say fifty-one to forty nine, eh?'

  'Don't tell me.' She was sardonic. 'You're the fifty-one per

  cent?'

  'Let's find out.' He leaned forward, smiling like a Fool,

  and winked.

  She took his proffered arm and quietly stood up. They

  had barely reached their own section when the darkness was

  split by bolts of the richest indigo, by zigzags of scarlet and

  oscillating, impossible greens.

  'At last!' The Doctor lifted his head like a predator detecting

  a change in the wind, the sound of distant thunder. Amy half-

  expected him to lift up one arm, the way a dog or cat might

  lift a forepaw and sniff at the territory ahead. He helped her

  brace against the gangway plates as they turned slowly so

  she immediately recovered her balance.

  'What is it, Doctor?'

  He cocked his head a little to one side and grinned at her.