Pie

  “That’s because she did see the key. It was there when she looked at Aunt Polly, but by the time I looked at her, Miss Gurke had already stolen it.”

  “Good gravy,” said Charlie. “Are you sure?”

  “Come on,” Alice said. “I’ll prove it.”

  Even though Charlie was not completely convinced, he allowed Alice to talk him into letting her follow him to Miss Gurke’s house. On the way, her bicycle chain slipped off and the pedals began to spin around without catching hold. Charlie heard the clattering and circled back around to help. Watching him work with the greasy chain, Alice understood why his fingernails looked the way they did.

  “What if Miss Gurke catches us snooping around?” Charlie asked nervously. “She might get really steamed.”

  “Don’t worry,” said Alice. “She’s not going to catch us.”

  • • •

  When they got to Miss Gurke’s house, they found her car parked in the driveway. It was clear from the dripping garden hose and the bucket of soapy water standing beside it that it had recently been washed. The big green car gleamed like a lizard basking in the sun. Charlie and Alice stashed their bikes in the bushes.

  “Are you scared?” asked Charlie. “I mean, you’ve heard the stories, right?”

  There were a lot of rumors that had been passed around school over the years about Miss Gurke and the reason she wore such loose-fitting clothes. One of the most popular stories was that she was hiding the mummified body of a kid who’d been tardy to school one too many times. Alice tried not to think about that as she dove headfirst into a bank of holly that ran along the front of Miss Gurke’s house. A minute later, Charlie joined her.

  “Next time, let’s pick a bush without prickers,” he whispered, wincing as he pulled off a spiky holly leaf that was stuck to one of his palms. “What do we do now?”

  “Let’s peek in the window. If we see any sign of Lardo, we’ll go straight to the police,” Alice whispered back.

  There was a big picture window in the front of Miss Gurke’s house. Charlie and Alice crawled on their bellies, commando-style, across the lawn until they were situated just beneath it.

  “Ready?” asked Alice.

  Charlie nodded and slowly they rose up until their noses were resting on the sill.

  “See anything?” Alice whispered, peering through the glass into Miss Gurke’s living room.

  “Just some furniture,” said Charlie.

  thwack … thwack … thwack

  Charlie and Alice froze.

  “What was that?” Charlie whispered.

  thwack … thwack … thwack

  The sound seemed to be coming from the backyard. Alice signaled Charlie to get down, and they crawled across the lawn and around the corner to the back of the house.

  THWACK … THWACK … THWACK

  It was louder now, and in between the thwacks was another sound, like a little grunt.

  The backyard was surrounded by a wooden fence that was too high to see over. Charlie put one finger to his lips, warning Alice to be quiet. Then he squatted down and interlaced his fingers to make a little basket. Alice slipped her foot into his hands and Charlie boosted her up.

  THWACK … grunt … THWACK … grunt … THWACK … grunt …

  “What is it?” Charlie called up to Alice. “What do you see?”

  There was only one word Alice could think of to describe the terrifying sight that lay on the other side of that fence, and her voice was shaking so badly she had trouble getting it out —

  “Muh-muh-muh,” she stammered.

  Just then, Charlie heard a buzzing sound near his left ear. A giant horsefly was circling his head. Anyone who’s ever been bitten by a horsefly knows that it’s an experience worth avoiding if at all possible, but when Charlie felt the fly land on the back of his neck, he wasn’t able to swat it, because his hands were busy holding on to Alice’s foot. When the fly bit him, Charlie yelped and jumped three feet in the air, letting go of Alice’s foot with such force that it launched her over the fence like a missile straight into Miss Gurke’s backyard.

  “What on earth!” Miss Gurke sputtered as Alice landed at her feet in a heap. “Were you spying on me?”

  It’s hard to imagine many things more unsettling than seeing your principal without her clothes on. Not that Miss Gurke was naked — thank goodness — but the bright red, skintight outfit she was wearing that day was a far cry from the kind of clothing she normally wore. Even more shocking than the outfit itself was the fact that Alice now knew what Miss Gurke had been hiding under her loose clothes. Muscles. Great big ones. Standing there in her skimpy red suit, Miss Gurke didn’t look like a principal at all, she looked like Charles Atlas, the beefy muscleman Alice had seen pictures of in magazine ads. From her bulging biceps to her rippling calves, Miss Gurke’s rock-hard body glistened in the sunlight like a glazed ham. No wonder she’d been able to tear the pie shop apart. She was huge.

  “What do you have to say for yourself?” demanded Miss Gurke.

  Alice was speechless. She had come there to accuse Miss Gurke of catnapping Lardo, but looking at those giant muscles, all she could think about was Aunt Polly’s couch cushions with all the stuffing yanked out. Alice hoped she wasn’t about to meet the same fate as those poor pillows.

  “Well?” said Miss Gurke. “Let’s have it.”

  Ding-dong. The doorbell chimed from inside the house, and Alice breathed a huge sigh of relief. Whoever it was, Alice would explain everything to them. The police would come and take Miss Gurke off to jail. Then Alice would bring Lardo home and spend the rest of her life trying to forget the horrifying sight of Miss Gurke in that stretchy red outfit.

  “Don’t move,” Miss Gurke told Alice. Then she reached for her robe, which was hanging over the back of a chair, slipped it on, and went to answer the door.

  A minute later, Alice heard Charlie’s voice coming from inside the house.

  “HERE YOU GO, MISS GURKE,” he shouted. “I GOT THE GROCERIES YOU ASKED FOR.”

  “Put the bag on the table over there,” Miss Gurke instructed. “And there’s no need to shout, young man. I’m not deaf.”

  Charlie wasn’t shouting for Miss Gurke’s benefit; he was trying to let Alice know that he hadn’t abandoned her. After all, it was his fault that she’d ended up on the wrong side of the fence.

  “IS EVERYTHING OKAY?” Charlie shouted. “DON’T BE SHY. SPEAK RIGHT UP.”

  Alice wanted to run inside or call out to Charlie to get the police, but she was afraid it would make Miss Gurke even madder.

  “I don’t know what’s gotten into you today, Charles,” said Miss Gurke. “You’re certainly behaving strangely.”

  “MAY I JUST SAY, THAT IS A VERY LOVELY ROBE YOU’RE WEARING TODAY, MISS GURKE,” Charlie shouted. “THE COLOR REALLY BRINGS OUT THE BLUE IN YOUR EYES. AND THE MATERIAL IS SO, WELL, NUBBY, I THINK WOULD BE A GOOD WORD TO DESCRIBE IT, DON’T YOU?”

  Alice couldn’t imagine why Charlie was babbling on about Miss Gurke’s bathrobe until it dawned on her that he might be trying to distract Miss Gurke to give Alice time to escape. Sky King himself would have been proud of that plan! Looking around for something to stand on, Alice spied a folding aluminum lawn chair and quickly dragged it over to the fence. But when she climbed up on it, her feet immediately slipped through the plastic webbing and the chair toppled over, taking Alice along with it and making a terrible clatter in the process.

  “DID I MENTION THAT I FORGOT TO BRING THE SAND?” Charlie asked, shouting even louder now in an attempt to try to cover up the racket Alice was making.

  “What on earth is the matter with you?” Miss Gurke cried.

  Charlie was running out of ideas. So he decided it was time to come clean.

  “I didn’t mean to do it, Miss Gurke,” he said. “A horsefly bit my neck, and the next thing I knew, Alice was flying over your fence.”

  “Oh,” said Miss Gurke. “So you and your little girlfriend were in cahoots?”
r />   “I don’t know what ‘cahoots’ means, and Alice is not my girlfriend, but I’m the one who threw her over the fence, so if you’re going to turn one of us into a mummy, it ought to be me.”

  Alice, who was still hopelessly tangled up in the chair, was beginning to panic. Nobody knew where she was and clearly the police weren’t on the way. Charlie had done his best, but now it was time for her to step up to the plate, so she did the only thing she could think of to do — she screamed.

  The minute Miss Gurke heard Alice screaming, she raced for the door with Charlie at her heels. As they barreled out of the house into the backyard, visions of mummies and violated couch cushions flashed before Alice’s eyes and she screamed even louder. Miss Gurke bounded down the steps, reaching for Alice with her massive arms, but the belt of her robe got caught on the door handle, yanking her backward like a dog on a leash. When she tried to pull herself free, the robe fell open, revealing her gigantic muscles to Charlie for the first time. His eyes practically popped out of their sockets as he took in the sight of Miss Gurke in her skimpy red suit. Then a strange sensation came over him, like somebody popped a Fizzie into his head and carbonated his brain.

  “Good gravy, Miss Gurke!” said Charlie. “You look exactly like —”

  But before he could finish his sentence, everything went black.

  LEMON CHESS PIE

  4 eggs

  1 ½ cups sugar

  3 TBS cornmeal

  ¼ cup sweet butter, melted

  ½ cup whole milk

  2 lemons, juiced

  Combine eggs, sugar, cornmeal, melted butter, milk, and lemon juice in a large bowl.

  Mix until sugar is dissolved, but do not beat. Pour filling into unbaked pricked pie shell.

  Bake at 425 for 10 minutes. Reduce temperature to 350 and continue to bake until set. Cornmeal will form a crust on top of custard. This is the very best part, so if you don’t have cornmeal in the pantry — borrow some from a neighbor or make some other kind of pie! Cool before serving.

  Note: Lucille Gurke’s favorite. (Birthday: April 15)

  Chapter Eight

  Charlie lay crumpled on the ground. Alice, who had finally managed to untangle herself from the chair, ran to him.

  “He’ll be fine,” said Miss Gurke, who was squatting down beside him, fanning Charlie’s face with her hand. “He’s fainted.”

  Charlie groaned and opened his eyes.

  “What happened?” he mumbled.

  “You fainted,” Alice told him. “When you saw —”

  She glanced nervously at Miss Gurke.

  “Oh, yeah,” said Charlie, sitting up and rubbing his head. “Now I remember. I was just about to tell Miss Gurke she looks exactly like —”

  “Miss America,” said Alice, quickly jumping in.

  “No,” said Charlie. “I was going to say she looks like —”

  “Miss America,” Alice insisted. She wasn’t about to let Charlie tell Miss Gurke that she looked like Charles Atlas, or a raging buffalo, or whatever else he’d been about to say. They were in enough trouble as it was without adding fuel to the fire.

  “Do you really think Miss Gurke looks like Miss America?” Charlie asked Alice.

  “Yes,” said Alice, exasperated with Charlie for being so slow to catch on. “I really do.”

  “Really? Miss America?”

  “Stop saying that,” growled Miss Gurke.

  “It’s supposed to be a compliment,” said Alice. “Miss America is a beauty queen.”

  Miss Gurke jumped up and strode across the lawn to a canvas laundry bag that was hanging on a chain suspended from the branch of a tree.

  “I know who Miss America is. Do you think I’ve put myself through hours of hard training to become some mindless beauty queen?” she asked as she balled up her glistening fists and began punching the bag.

  thwack … grunt …

  “Beauty pageants are insulting to women.”

  … thwack … grunt …

  “Little girls need better role models.”

  … thwack … grunt …

  “Women who aren’t afraid to say to the world … ‘READY OR NOT, HERE I COME!’”

  … thwick, thwick, thwick, thwick …

  She pummeled the bag with a final barrage of rapid-fire punches. Then, dropping her fists, she turned and struck a pose, her powerful arms curling up at her sides like giant cobras.

  “Does this look like the body of a woman who should be spending her days making sure that lazy, ungrateful little children aren’t late for school?” she asked. “Well, does it?”

  “No, ma’am,” Charlie and Alice answered in heartfelt unison.

  “That’s right,” said Miss Gurke through gritted teeth. “Which is why I’m not about to let two nosy little whippersnappers spoil my dream of becoming America’s first muscle woman by spilling the beans before I’m ready.”

  “We don’t want to spoil your dream,” Charlie said. “And we won’t spill the beans about your muscles.”

  “Just give Lardo back,” said Alice, “and we won’t say a word.”

  Miss Gurke broke her pose.

  “Lardo?” she asked.

  “There’s no use pretending you don’t have him,” said Alice. “I found your earring under the radiator.”

  “What in the world are you talking about?”

  “You’re the catnapper,” Alice said. “And you’re the burglar, too. I have proof.”

  “Proof of what?” asked Miss Gurke, and Alice had to admit she was doing a very convincing job of pretending she didn’t know what Alice was talking about.

  “It’s all on the shopping list. How else do you explain the Band-Aids and the sand and the sardines?” Alice asked.

  “Not that it’s any of your business, but I use sand to fill my punching bag, and Band-Aids to protect my knuckles. As for the sardines, they’re high in protein, which is essential for maintaining muscle mass. Is there anything else you’d like to know?”

  Alice knew it was time to play her ace.

  “Why did you reach into Aunt Polly’s casket?” she demanded.

  Miss Gurke looked shocked.

  “You saw that?” she asked, the color draining from her face.

  “Yes,” said Alice triumphantly. “I saw you take the key. Sorry, Miss Gurke, but the jig is up.”

  It was an expression Penny and Sky King used when they cornered a bad guy, but instead of caving in and admitting her guilt, Miss Gurke looked even more confused.

  “What key?” she asked. “I dropped my ring in the casket.”

  Miss Gurke reached into the pocket of her robe and took out the diamond ring Alice had noticed her wearing on the day of the funeral. “It’s the vegetable shortening,” Miss Gurke explained to Alice. “It’s great for tanning, but it makes you slippery.” She slipped the ring onto her right ring finger and tipped her hand to the side to demonstrate how easily it could have slid off. “I didn’t mean any disrespect to your aunt, Alice, but this ring belonged to my late mother. So when it fell into the casket, I couldn’t just leave it behind.”

  Alice felt like a balloon with a hole poked in it, the air leaking out with an embarrassing sound. All of the clues that had pointed so clearly to Miss Gurke seemed ridiculous now.

  “Maybe we should get going,” Charlie said, pushing Alice toward the door. “Sorry to have bothered you, Miss Gurke. I’ll bring you that bag of sand tomorrow, okay? No charge.”

  “Not so fast,” said Miss Gurke. “We’re not finished here.”

  Ten minutes later, Charlie and Alice rode away on their bikes, but not before they had struck a deal with Miss Gurke that they would keep her muscles a secret. In return she wouldn’t report them to the police for trespassing in her backyard.

  “I’ll ride home with you if you want,” Charlie told Alice. “In case your chain comes off again.”

  “That’s okay,” she said. “You don’t have to.”

  But he did it anyway.

  Alic
e was embarrassed that she had falsely accused Miss Gurke and she felt awful about getting Charlie in trouble. Her aunt Polly had been wrong — having an active imagination wasn’t a good thing at all.

  They had only gone a couple of blocks when Alice’s chain came flying off again.

  “Maybe tomorrow you should bring your bike over to my house,” Charlie suggested. “I’ve got my tools there, so I could fix it for good.”

  “You want me to come over to your house?” asked Alice.

  “Sure,” said Charlie. “If you want to.”

  “Why aren’t you mad at me?” Alice asked, as Charlie went to work fixing the chain.

  “I don’t know,” said Charlie. “I guess I don’t like the way it feels.”

  “I’d rather be mad than sad,” said Alice.

  “I’d rather be happy,” Charlie said.

  Alice didn’t say it, but she wondered if she’d ever feel happy again. When the chain was back in place, she and Charlie got back on their bikes and continued on in silence.

  “It’s going to get better, you know,” Charlie said after a while.

  “What is?” asked Alice.

  “The missing.”

  “Aunt Polly was my best friend,” said Alice. “I’m never going to stop missing her.”

  “That’s how it was with me and my grandma,” said Charlie. “She died three years ago and I didn’t think I could stand it, I missed her so much. But then I came up with this little trick.”

  “What kind of trick?” asked Alice.

  Charlie hesitated. “Promise you won’t make fun of me?”

  Alice didn’t blame him for not trusting her.

  “I promise,” she said.

  “I keep one of her old perfume bottles in my drawer. When I really miss her, I close my eyes and take a sniff and it feels like she’s right there in the room with me.”

  “Aunt Polly didn’t wear perfume,” said Alice.

  “That’s too bad,” said Charlie.

  After that they didn’t talk for a while. Alice was feeling lower than low. No wonder her mother was so annoyed with her all the time. She probably wished she had a different kind of daughter, a girl more like Nora Needleman, who would want to dress up with her in matching hats. Instead she was stuck with a daughter who made up dumb songs and ran around accusing innocent people of being catnappers. Alice felt a sad song coming on, but she pushed it away. She’d already made a big enough fool of herself in front of Charlie for one day.