Darkest Hour

  At the dinner table, Papa always appeared the most aloof, bearing down on us during the religious readings and blessings like some high official of the church just visiting, and then becoming lost in his meal and his own thoughts unless something Mamma said snapped him out of them. His voice was usually deeper, harsher. Whenever he had to speak or answer a question, he usually did so quickly, giving me the feeling he wished he could take his dinners alone and not be distracted by his family.

  In his office, he was always the Captain, sitting behind his desk or moving about with a military demeanor—his shoulders back and straight, his head high, his chest out. Under the portrait of his father dressed in his Confederate army uniform with his saber glinting in the sunlight, Papa sat booming orders to the servants and especially to Henry, who often entered only a few inches past the doorway and stood waiting, hat in hand. Everyone was afraid to disturb him when he was in his office. Even Mamma would moan, "Oh dear, oh dear, I have to go tell the Captain," as if she had to walk through fire or over a bed of coals. As a child I was terrified of going in the office when he was there. I wouldn't so much as cross in front of the doorway if I could avoid it.

  And when he was gone and I could go in there to look at his books and things, it was as if I had entered some sacred room, that part of a church where precious religious icons were stored. I would tiptoe over the floor and pull out the books as softly and as quietly as I could, always gazing at the desk to be sure Papa hadn't suddenly materialized out of thin air. As I grew older, my confidence grew and I didn't look upon the office with as much trepidation, but I never stopped being afraid of crossing Papa and making him angry.

  And so when he entered my room, his face brooding, his eyes dark, I felt my heart stop and then begin to pound. He straightened up, his hands behind his back and fixed his gaze on me for a long moment without speaking. His eyes seemed to sizzle as they blazed down at me. I twisted my fingers around each other and waited anxiously.

  "Stand up," he suddenly commanded.

  "What, Papa?" Panic seized me in a tight grip and for a moment I couldn't move.

  "Stand up," he repeated. "I want to take a good look at you, a new look at you," he said, nodding. "Yes. Stand up."

  I did so, straightening my skirt.

  "Doesn't that teacher teach you about good posture?" he snapped. "Don't she make you walk around with a book on your head?"

  "No, Papa."

  "Humph," he said, and approached me. He gripped my shoulders between his strong fingers and thumb and pressed so hard, it hurt. "Pull your shoulders back, Lillian, or you'll end up walking and looking like Emily," he added, which surprised me. He never criticized her in my presence before. "Yes, that's better," he said. His eyes scanned me critically, his gaze centering on my budding bosom. He nodded.

  "You have grown a few years' worth overnight," he remarked. "I've been so busy lately, I haven't had time to pay attention to what's going on right beneath my feet." He pulled himself into a straight position again. "Your Mamma's told you about the birds and the bees, I assume?"

  "Birds and the bees, Papa?" I thought a moment and shook my head. He cleared his throat.

  "Well, I don't mean the birds and the bees exactly, Lillian. That's just an expression. I mean about what goes on between a man and a woman. You're apparently a woman already; you should know something."

  "She told me how babies are made," I said.

  "Uh-huh. And that's it?"

  "She told me about some women in her books and . . ."

  "Oh, her damn books!" he cried. He pointed his thick right forefinger at me. "That will get you into trouble faster than anything else," he warned.

  "What will, Papa?"

  "Those stupid stories." He straightened up again. "Emily's come in to see me about your behavior," he said. "And no wonder, if you've been reading your mother's books."

  "I didn't do anything bad, Papa. Honest, I . . ." He put up his hand.

  "I want the truth and I want it fast. Did you come running out of the forest like Emily says?"

  "Yes, Papa."

  "Did the Thompson boy come running out after you a moment later, huffing and puffing like some dogs after a bitch in heat?"

  "He wasn't running after me, exactly, Papa. We . . ."

  "Were you buttoning your blouse when you came out of the forest?" he demanded.

  "Buttoning my blouse? Oh no, Papa. Emily's lying if she said that," I protested.

  "Unbutton your blouse," he ordered.

  "What, Papa?"

  "You heard me, unbutton your blouse. Go on."

  I did so quickly. He stepped closer and looked down at me, his gaze falling on the tops of my breasts. When he was this close to me, I couldn't help but smell his bourbon and mint. It was stronger than ever.

  "Did you let this boy put his hand in there?" he asked, nodding toward my exposed bosom. For a moment, I couldn't respond. I blushed so fast and so hard, I thought I would faint at his feet. It was as if Papa had somehow been able to eavesdrop on my fantasies.

  "No, Papa."

  "Close your eyes," he ordered. I did so. A moment later, I felt his fingers on my chest. They were so hot to the touch, I thought they would burn my skin. "Keep your eyes closed," he demanded when I opened them. I closed them again and he moved his fingers down until I felt them reach the top of my bosom and turn into my small but distinct cleavage as if he was measuring the rise in my breasts. There, they rested for a moment and then he pulled them back. I opened my eyes.

  "Was that what he did to you?" he asked in a raspy voice.

  "No, Papa," I said, my lips and my chin trembling.

  "All right," he said, and cleared his throat. "Now button your blouse as quickly as you can. Go on." He stood back and folded his arms across his chest and watched.

  I buttoned my blouse as fast as I could, but my fingers fumbled terribly with the buttons.

  "Uh-huh," he said like a detective. "That's the way Emily claims she saw you fumbling when you came running out."

  "She's lying, Papa!"

  "Now, you listen here," he said. "Your Mamma doesn't know about this yet because Emily came straight to me. We're lucky it was just Emily and not a bunch of other folks who saw you come out of the woods, alone with a boy, buttoning up your blouse."

  "But Papa . . ."

  He held up his hand.

  "I know what it's like when a healthy young girl blooms into womanhood overnight. All you have to do is watch some of our farm animals in heat and you understand the fire in the blood," Papa said. "I don't want to hear no more stories about you and boys crawling around in the dark of the forest or in some secret places to do ungodly things, do you understand, Lillian? Do you?" he pursued.

  "Yes, Papa," I said, my head lowered. Emily had spoken and her words were as good as Gospel around here, I thought sadly, especially in Papa's eyes.

  "Good. Now your Mamma don't know about any of this and don't have to be bothered about it, so don't say anything about my visit here today, understand?"

  "Yes, Papa."

  "I'll be watching you more carefully now, Lillian, looking after you more. I just didn't realize how fast you were growing." He stepped closer to me again and put his hand on my hair so gently I had to look up surprised. "You're going to be beautiful and I don't want no sex-crazy young boy spoiling you, hear?"

  I nodded, too shocked to speak. He thought a moment and then nodded at his own thoughts.

  "Yes," he said, "I can see where have to take more of a role in your upbringing. Georgia, she's lost to those romantic stories of hers, stories that have got nothing to do with reality. One day soon, you and I will sit down and have a grown-up discussion about what goes on between men and women and what you've got to watch out for when it comes to young men." He almost smiled, his eyes twinkling with a brightness that made him look younger for a moment. "I should know. I was a young man once."

  The near smile left his face quickly.

  "But until then, you walk the stra
ight and narrow, Lillian. Hear?"

  "Yes, Papa."

  "No more side trips with the Thompson boy or any other boy for that matter. Any boy wants to court you right and proper, he comes to see me first. Make that clear to each and every one of them and you won't get into any trouble, Lillian,"

  "I didn't do anything bad, Papa," I said.

  "Maybe not, but if it looks bad, it is bad. That's the way things are and you had better remember it," he said. "Why, in my time if a young woman took a walk into the forest with a man and was unchaperoned, the man had to marry her or she'd be considered spoiled."

  I stared at him a moment. Why was the woman the only one thought spoiled? Why not the man, too? Why was it men could risk such things, but women couldn't? I wondered. And what about the time I had come upon Papa and Darlene Scott during one of our grand barbecues. The memory was still quite vivid, but I dared not mention it even though that remained in my mind as something that didn't just look bad, but was bad.

  "All right," Papa said, "remember, not a word of this to your mother. It will remain a buried secret between you and me."

  "And Emily," I reminded him bitterly.

  "Emily does whatever I tell her to do and always will," he declared. Then he turned around and went to the door. He looked back at me once, his stern face slipping into a quick smile. Just as quickly, he got hold of himself and scowled before leaving me alone to think about the strange thing that had just happened between us. I couldn't wait to go down to tell Eugenia.

  Eugenia wasn't having a good, day. Lately, she was relying more and more on her breathing machines and taking more medicine. Her afternoon naps stretched longer and longer until sometimes it seemed like she was asleep more than she was awake. She looked even paler to me and much skinnier. Even the slightest degenerations in her health frightened me, so whenever I saw her this way, my heart would thump very hard and I could barely swallow. I entered her room and found she was lying in bed, her head looking smaller and smaller against her big, fluffy white pillow. It was as if she was sinking into the mattress, shriveling up before my eyes until soon she would disappear altogether. Despite her obvious discomfort and fatigue, her eyes lit up the moment I entered.

  "Hi, Lillian."

  She struggled to get her elbows under her torso and lift herself into a sitting position. I ran to her side and helped her. Then I fluffed up her pillow and made her as comfortable as I could. She asked for some water and sipped at it a bit.

  "I've been waiting for you," she said, handing me the glass. "How was school today?"

  "It was fine. What's the matter? Don't you feel well today?" I asked. I sat on her bed and held her small hand, a hand so small and soft it felt like it was made of air when it was in my palm.

  "I'm all right," she said quickly. "Tell me about school. Did you do anything new?"

  I told her about our math and history lessons quickly and about Robert Martin dipping Erna Elliot's pigtail in the inkwell.

  "When she stood up, the ink dripped down the back of her dress. Miss Walker was furious. She took Robert out and whacked him so hard with the yard-stick, we heard him wailing through the walls. He won't sit down for a week of Sundays," I said, and Eugenia laughed. But her laugh turned into a terrible cough that seized her so firmly, I thought she would shatter. I held her and patted her back gently until the coughing stopped. Her face was red and she looked like she couldn't breathe.

  "I'll get Mamma," I cried, and started to stand, but she grabbed my hand with surprising strength and shook her head.

  "It's all right," she said in a whisper. "It happens often. It'll be all right."

  I bit down on my lip and swallowed my tears and then sat beside her again.

  "Where were you?" she asked. "Why did it take you so long to come here?"

  I took a deep breath and told her the story. She loved hearing about the magic pond and when I told her about my wish and about Niles's wishes and what we had done, her face flushed so with excitement, she forgot being sick and bounced on the bed, pleading with me to describe it all over again, this time with more detail. I hadn't even gotten to the horrid part. Once again, I told her how Niles had asked me to go with him to see his special place. I told her about the birds and the frogs, but that wasn't what she wanted to hear. She wanted to know exactly what it was like to be kissed on the lips by a boy.

  "It happened so fast I don't remember," I said. Her face filled so with disappointment that I reconsidered and added, "But I remember it made me shiver a little bit." Eugenia nodded, her eyes wide. "And after a moment . . ."

  "What after a moment?" she asked quickly.

  "The shiver turned into a wave of warmth. My heart began to pound. I was so close to him, I could look right into his eyes and see my own reflection on his pupils."

  Eugenia's mouth remained open.

  "Then I got scared and ran out of the forest and that's when Emily saw me," I said, and told her what had happened as a result. She listened with interest when I told her how Papa had behaved like a detective, making me recreate what he thought was the way things had happened.

  "He thought Niles had put his hand into your blouse?"

  "Uh-huh." I was too embarrassed to tell her how long Papa had kept his fingers on my breasts. Eugenia was just as confused about his behavior as I was, but she didn't dwell on it. Instead, she took my hands into hers and tried to reassure me.

  "Emily is just jealous, Lillian. Don't let her tell you what to do," she said.

  "I'm afraid," I said, "afraid of the stories she'll make up."

  "I want to see the magic pond," Eugenia suddenly declared with a surprising burst of energy. "Please. Please take me. Have Niles take me, too."

  "Mamma wouldn't let me and Papa doesn't want me going places with boys unchaperoned."

  "We won't tell them. We'll just go," she said. I sat back smiling.

  "Why, Eugenia Booth," I said, imitating Louella, "just listen to how you talk."

  I couldn't remember a time Eugenia had suggested doing something Mamma or Papa would consider naughty.

  "If Papa finds out, I'll tell him I was your chaperon."

  "You know it has to be an adult," I said.

  "Oh please, Lillian. Please," she begged, and tugged my sleeve. "Tell Niles," she whispered. "Tell him to meet us there . . . this Saturday, okay?"

  I was surprised and amused by Eugenia's pleading. Nothing lately—not the arrival of new clothing, or new games, not Louella's promise to make her favorite cookies or cakes---nothing filled her with interest or excitement anymore. Even my taking her in the wheelchair around the plantation to see all that was happening no longer delighted her. This was the first time in a long time that she cared about anything to the extent that she would battle back the debilitating illness that had imprisoned her in her own fragile little body. I couldn't refuse, nor did I want to, despite Papa's warnings and threats. Nothing thrilled me as much as the thought of going back to the magic pond with Niles.

  The next day on the way to school, Niles couldn't help but notice the ice in Emily's eyes. She didn't say anything to him, but she watched me like a hawk. All I could say to him was "Good morning," and then keep walking at Emily's side. He walked with his sisters and we both avoided each other's eyes. Later, at lunch, while Emily was occupied with a chore Miss Walker had given her, I slipped beside Niles and told him what Emily had done.

  "I'm sorry I got you in trouble," Niles said.

  "It's all right," I said. Then I told him about Eugenia's wish. His eyes widened with surprise and a small smile formed around his lips.

  "You would do that, even after what happened?" he asked. His eyes turned softer, meeting and locking with mine as I went on and on about how important it was to Eugenia.

  "I'm sorry she's so sick. It's cruel," he said.

  "Of course, I'd like to go there again, too," I added quickly. He nodded.

  "All right, I'll wait near your house Saturday afternoon and we'll take her. What time?"


  "After lunch, I often take her for a walk. About two o'clock," I said, and our rendezvous was set. A few moments later, Emily appeared and Niles moved away quickly to talk to some boys. Emily glared at me so hard, I had to look down, but I still could feel her eyes on the back of my neck. That afternoon, and each afternoon until the end of the week, I walked alongside Emily on the way home and Niles remained between his sisters. We barely spoke and rarely looked at each other. Emily seemed satisfied.

  As Saturday afternoon drew closer, Eugenia grew more and more excited. She talked of nothing else.

  "What if it rains?" she moaned. "Oh, I would die if it rains and I had to wait another week."

  "It won't rain; it won't dare," I told her with such confidence, she beamed. Even Mamma remarked at dinner that Eugenia's color was much improved. She told Papa that one of the new medicines the doctors prescribed might be working miraculously. Papa nodded, silently as usual, but Emily looked suspicious. Of course, I felt her watching me all the time and even imagined her peeking into my room late at night to see if I was asleep.

  On Friday, after school, she stepped into my room while I was changing clothes. Emily came to my room almost as rarely as Papa did. I couldn't remember a time we played together, and when I was smaller and she was asked to look after me, she always took me to her room and made me sit quietly in the corner coloring or playing with a doll while she read. I was never allowed to touch any of her things, not that I ever wanted to. Her room was dreary and dark with the curtains almost always drawn. Instead of pictures on her walls, she had crosses and her letters of achievement from the minister at Sunday School. She never had a doll or a game and she hated bright clothes.

  I was in the bathroom when she came to my room. I had just taken off my skirt and I was standing in front of the mirror in my brassiere and panties, brushing my hair down. Mamma always had me pin it up in the morning for school and it felt good at the end of the day to unfasten the strands and brush them until they lay softly over my shoulders. I was proud of my hair; it was almost midway down my back.