Tarnished Gold

  "A long time," I said.

  "Very good. I can see why. You found a little piece of paradise. It's a wonderful spot. I love to get away from the noise and bustle of my business, get away to a place like this where you can be with your own thoughts and commune with Nature. That's what you do, isn't it, Gabriel? Everyone calls you La Fille au Nature!. I see why now," he said, smiling. I continued to blush and looked away quickly.

  "Please, monsieur."

  "What's wrong? A beautiful girl like you must have been with a man before, no?"

  "No, monsieur. Not like this."

  "Really?" He turned on his side and reached out to touch my thigh. I nearly jumped off the rock. "It's all right. Nothing to be afraid of. It's just as natural as . . . as your fish and birds."

  "But you are married, monsieur."

  "Married," he said as if it were distasteful even to have the word in his mouth. "I married too quickly and for the wrong reasons," he added.

  I glanced at him. Was no one happily wed? Was everyone fooled?

  "What reasons?" I asked. He touched me again, tracing along my thigh with his finger as if he had his finger in beach sand.

  "Money, wealth, power. Gladys's father owned the cannery."

  "You weren't in love?"

  He laughed and rolled over on his back.

  "Love," he pronounced with his lips tight, as if saying it left a horrid taste on his tongue. "I said it and she said it, but neither of us believed it. We swallowed our lies like castor oil and said 'I do' in front of the priest. Even he had doubts when he pronounced us man and wife. I could see it in his eyes. Mon Dieu. Love. Is there really such a thing?"

  "Yes," I said firmly.

  "Your mother and father, are they truly in love?" he challenged with laughing eyes.

  "They were," I replied. He stared at me for a moment and then he smiled.

  "I could fall in love with someone like you in the blink of an eye."

  "Monsieur Tate!"

  "I'm not that old," he protested. "Yvette Livaudis, a girl in your class, is going to marry a man older than I am, right?" In the bayou everyone knew everyone else's business. I wasn't surprised he knew about Yvette. "You shouldn't think me too old."

  "You're not old, monsieur," I granted.

  "That's right. I'm not." He looked back at our canoes and then at me. "I'll swim back and get your canoe," he offered. "Thank you, monsieur."

  "For a kiss," he added, smiling.

  "No, monsieur!" I cringed.

  "Why not? It's harmless enough. Just one kiss and you're free again." He sat up and leaned toward me. I turned away until I felt his lips on my shoulder and then my neck. I started to protest when he reached behind my head to pull my lips closer to his. Then he kissed me. I tried to pull away, but he held me firmly. I felt his tongue between my lips and then his hand move up the side of my body until the palm found my breast. I backed away quickly and he laughed.

  "There, now wasn't that nice?"

  I shook my head, clutching the towel against my bosom.

  "To the canoe," he shouted, and dove off the rock. He swam quickly and got into mine. "Have no fear, damsel in distress, I'm coming to rescue you."

  He began to pole my canoe toward the rock, behaving as if we were two children pretending. He brought the canoe back to the rock and stood there, holding out his hand.

  "Come on. I'll help you in."

  "I can get in myself. I've done it hundreds of times." When I spoke, I tried not to look at him standing there stark naked.

  "I'm sure you have, mademoiselle, but we're surrounded by alligators."

  "We are not," I said.

  "You can't see them like I can. Come," he said, beckoning. I thought there was no other way to rid myself of him, so I gave him my hand and kept my eyes down. But when I stepped into the canoe, he embraced me and pressed his body to mine. We tottered as I struggled to be free.

  "Whoa," he said. "We're going to fall in."

  "Please, let me go," I pleaded. And then we did fall over and into the water. He shouted as we splashed under. When I came up, I no longer had my towel and he was already climbing back into my canoe.

  "Are you all right?"

  "I'm fine," I said. "Get out of my canoe."

  "First I have to do the gentlemanly thing and help you to safety," he insisted. "Come along now." He reached out and seized my wrist. I climbed up and over the side of the canoe, and he sat back as I got in, this time pulling me over him and throwing his arms around my waist. His mouth was on mine again and then his lips moved quickly over my neck and down to my breasts, trailing his kisses with laughter. I tried to struggle out of his grip, but he was too strong and he turned me over so that I was now beneath him. Then he leaned back and smiled.

  "Quite a temptation, you lying out here like this, waiting for a man like me."

  "Please, monsieur. I was waiting for no one."

  "No boyfriend about to arrive?" he asked with skeptical eyes.

  "No, please."

  "Come on now, you don't expect me to believe that a daughter of a man like Jack Landry wasn't waiting for some excitement. Why settle for a teenage boy? You have a man at your disposal," he insisted.

  Before I could offer more protest, he lowered himself toward me, squeezing himself more firmly between my legs. I felt him nudge me with the hardness that had grown between his legs and then he pushed forward, dropping the weight of his body over my arms, pinning me back as he slipped farther under until . .

  The shock of it stunned me at first, but the more I squirmed, the more he enjoyed what he was doing and the tighter he made his grip on me. I was trapped beneath him, his hot breath over my face. He was mumbling, pleading, pressing deeper and deeper into me, his thrusts faster, harder, until finally I felt him quiver. I uttered a tiny cry and stopped resisting when he filled me with his hot lust and passion. All I could do was close my eyes and wait for it to end.

  After it had, we were both silent. I didn't move, but I felt him lifting himself from me. I kept my eyes shut tight, hoping that I could erase what had happened from my mind and my body if I just didn't look.

  "I'm sorry," he said. "I just . . . couldn't help myself. You're so beautiful and my wife and I . . . we . . . It's been a while. I'm sorry. You're okay. It's nothing. Really. You're fine."

  I waited. Then I heard him dive into the water and start to swim back to his own pirogue. I opened my eyes as he pulled himself into his canoe. I sat up and took a deep breath. All the blood had drained from my face. I thought I would faint. He dressed himself as quickly as he could, looking at me periodically until he was finished. Then he seized his pole.

  "It's all right. It was nothing," he said, and began to push away. "I'll never come back here. I promise. This will be your special place again. Bonjour," he added as if we had just had afternoon tea. A few moments later, he was gone.

  The pirogue rocked in the water. I didn't move. It was deadly quiet. Even the frogs had stopped croaking. Only the insects circled madly over the water, but the bream, frightened by the commotion above, had swum deeper and waited in the cool shadows to be sure it was safe.

  I started to cry, but stopped myself. It would do no good and it would only make me look even more horrible when Mama set eyes on me. I was terrified of that. Feeling dirty and violated, I lowered myself off the side of the pirogue and scrubbed my body vigorously. Then I got back into the canoe and dressed quickly, swallowing down my sobs, choking back my tears.

  It terrified me to think of what would happen if everyone found out what Mr. Tate had done. The scandal would be worse than a hurricane. Hateful gossips would find a way to blame me, I was sure. Why was I naked in the swamp? Those who had made up fantastic stories about my wild ways with animals in the bayou would see this only as a reinforcement of their terrible lies. And poor Mama, she would bear the brunt of the storm. Daddy would only get drunker and into more fights.

  No, I decided, there was nothing to do but try to forget; although right no
w, I didn't see how that was possible. For one thing, I could never return to my beautiful pond without recalling this nightmare. The surroundings lost their pristine beauty for me. I would be afraid to return. What if he returned when I was alone again?

  How horrid and guilty I felt. Maybe this was my fault. Maybe I was wrong to bathe nude. I had a woman's mature body and I would be a liar to claim I never craved to be touched, to tingle and fulfill my own longing for love; but it was a longing I had hoped to satisfy with someone who truly cherished and loved me, too.

  I desperately longed to talk to Mama about it, to get her advice and wisdom, but I didn't see how I could do so without her realizing what had happened. Mama would take one deep look into my eyes and know the truth. I had to be strong and not appear to be avoiding her gaze tonight, I thought. I sat there with my eyes closed and held my breath. Then I released it and took long, deep breaths, willing my heart to stop thumping like a drum. I would be calm. I would press this memory down and smother it with other thoughts.

  My legs were still trembling when I stood up to begin my poling, but as I gathered speed and momentum, they grew stronger and more sturdy. I pushed myself away from the pond, the leaves of the sprawling cypress closing like a door behind me. I didn't look back. For a while as I continued, I darted my gaze from side to side, afraid Monsieur Tate might be somewhere nearby, waiting to apologize or plead with me to say nothing. The thought of facing him ever again set my heart pounding. What would I do? What would he do?

  When I reached our dock and tied up my pirogue, I checked my clothing and tried to see my reflection in the water. Mama would think my appearance was due only to my swim anyway, I assured myself. I looked up at the shack where I knew she was waiting, setting the table, lighting a butane lantern, putting a record on our windup Victrola, trying to forget her own troubles. I had to do everything I could to keep what had just happened to me buried outside the house.

  I took a deep breath and started up the pathway. As soon as Mama heard my steps on the gallery, she called.

  "Is that you, Gabriel?"

  "Yes, Mama. I'll just go up and change into something else," I said. "I got this dress wet and dirty," I added before she could inquire. I flashed a smile at her in the kitchen and hurried up the stairway to my bedroom.

  "How was your swim?" she called.

  "Refreshing, Mama. You should come with me someday." I heard her laugh.

  "I don't remember when I swam last. Probably that time your father took us all to Lake Pontchartrain, before the war. Can you remember that?"

  "Yes, Mama."

  I studied myself in the long mirror over the oak armoire in Mama's room. My shoulders were red and there were faint patches of irritation on my neck, too. What was I to do? I put on my yellow and white dress, the one that had the buttons up to my collarbone, and then I wiped my hair vigorously with a towel, brushed it down, and wrapped the towel over my neck like a scarf. I kept my fingers crossed and descended to the kitchen. Mama looked up from the stove.

  "This roux is delicious, honey. I boiled some crawfish, too."

  "I'm starving," I said. I got us some napkins and some of Mama's lemonade. She brought the pot to the table and ladled out the crawfish and roux. She had thrown in some vegetables and rice. It smelled delicious.

  "What'cha doin' with that towel?" she asked with a smile before she sat.

  "My hair's still very wet, Mama. I'm too hungry to wait." She laughed and we started to eat.

  "Well, like I told you. Your father's not coming home for dinner. I'm locking him out tonight," she declared. "He's nothing but a thief, stealing your dowry money for that stupid scheme. If he spent half the time and energy he spends on schemes doing legitimate work instead, we'd be millionaires, as least as rich as the Tates," she said, and I nearly dropped my spoon.

  "What's wrong, Gabriel?" she asked quickly.

  "I swallowed too fast, Mama."

  "Well, take your time, honey. You got all the time in the world. Don't rush your life like I did. Think twice and then think twice more before you say yes to anything. No matter how simple or small it seems."

  "Yes, Mama."

  The music had stopped.

  "I'm going to wind it up again," Mama said. "Tonight I just feel like hearing music. Tonight I don't want to hear silence."

  I watched her get up and go to the Victrola. I hated being deceitful to her, but she was so down, so depressed and alone, I could never add even a pinch of sadness to her misery. I lowered my eyes to my food. After I ate, I helped clean up and then went upstairs to finish sewing my graduation dress. Mama had cut out the pattern. She went out on the gallery to- weave some split-oak baskets, but she wasn't out there long before Mr. LaFourche came to fetch her in his Ford pickup truck. His wife was having terrible stomach cramps.

  "I got to go make a visit," she called up to me. "You be all right?"

  "Yes, Mama. I'm fine."

  "If that no-account father of yours shows up, don't give him anything to eat," she said.

  "I won't, Mama," I said, but she knew I would. After I heard the truck leave, I came out of the loom room and put on my dress. I went to Mama's mirror again and gazed at myself in the light of the butane lamp. The dress fit perfectly. I thought it made me look years older.

  But I didn't smile at my image.

  I didn't feel my heart burst with joy and excitement.

  I began to cry. I sobbed so hard, my stomach ached. And then I ran out of tears and sat silently on my bed, staring through the window at the sliver of moon above the willow trees. I sighed deeply, took off my graduation dress, put on my nightgown, and crawled under my blanket.

  When I closed my eyes, Mr. Tate's face with his lustful smile appeared. I moaned and sat up quickly, my heart pounding. How would he sleep tonight? I wondered. Was it easier for him to put the sinful act out of mind than it was for me, or would his conscience come roaring down over him and drive him to his knees to pray for forgiveness?

  I was very angry. I wanted to pray to God to refuse him. I wished him centuries of pain and suffering. I hoped that when he had left my pond, he had fallen out of his canoe and been attacked by snakes and alligators. His cries would be music to my ears. I raged for a while like this and then I felt guilty for doing so and shut down my vengeful thoughts.

  But Mr. Tate had stolen more than my youth and innocence when he had attacked me, he had invaded and stained my private world. My sadness was deeper because of that. I was afraid of what it meant, for before this, I never felt alone. No matter that I had no real friends; no matter that I wasn't invited to parties and did not go to dances and shows.

  But if I lose my world, I thought, if I lose the swamp and the animals, the fish and the birds, the flowers and the trees, if I fear the twilight and cringe when shadows fall, where will I go? What will become of me?

  Would the beautiful blue heron return to her nest above the pond?

  I was afraid of the morning, afraid of the answers that would come up with the sun.

  2

  Paradise Lost

  .

  I was positive that Daddy's not coming home

  all night was the only thing that kept Mama from noticing that something serious was bothering me the next morning. Mama had been out late treating Mrs. LaFourche, who Mama believed had eaten a few- bad shrimp, so Mama was pretty tired and irritable anyway. She rose, expecting to find Daddy either sprawled out on the front gallery or on the floor of our living room, but he was nowhere to be seen.

  Mama didn't notice that I ate very little breakfast or that I was quiet and tired myself. I had tossed and turned, flitting in and out of nightmares most of the night. But Mama ranted and raved to herself, raking up old complaints about Daddy, criticizing not only his excessive drinking and gambling, but his laziness.

  "All the Landrys were lazy," she lectured, returning to an old theme. "It's in their blood. I should have know'd what your father would be like right from the start. Oh, he charmed me in the beginni
ng by building this house and working hard for a while, but he was only setting me up the way the Landry men always set up their women, so he could throw it back at me all the time about just how much he done for me already.

  "Like being a husband and a father was a nineto-five job," she complained. "But being a mother and a wife was a twenty-four-hour, seven-day-a-week job. That's the way the Landry men see it.

  "Before you marry anyone, Gabriel, you ask to see his grandpere, and if his grandmere's still living, you talk to her and get the lowdown, hear?" she warned.

  "Yes, Mama." She finally took note of me, but she attributed other reasons to my appearance.

  "Look at you," she remarked, "nervous as a just-hatched chicken with your graduation just a day away now."

  "I'm fine, Mama."

  "I can't wait to see them hand you that diploma."

  She beamed, her smile washing away her scarlet face of anger.

  "You're the first Landry to get a high school diploma, you know that?" she asked. Daddy hadn't told me, but she had said it a few times before in his presence when she blamed some of the things he had done on his family blood.

  "Yes, Mama."

  "Good. Then be proud, not nervous. Well now, we'll have to plan a little celebration for afterward, won't we?"

  "No, Mama. I don't want a party."

  "Sure you do. Sure," she said, nodding and talking herself into it. "I'm going to make a couple of turkeys, and I think I'll make Louisiana yam with apple stuffing. I know how you love that. Of course, we'll have some stuffed crab and some shrimp Mornay with red and green rice. I'll make some garlic grits. need some biscuits, and let's see, for desserts we should have a gingerbread, one of my coffee cakes, and maybe some caramel squares."

  "Mama, you'll be working all day and night until graduation."

  "So? How often will I have a graduation party for my daughter?" she said.

  "But we don't have the money, do we?"

  "I got a small stash your daddy didn't get his hands on," she said, winking.

  "You should save it for something important, Mama."

  "This is is important," she insisted. "Now hush up and go to school. Go on," she said, pushing me toward the door, "and don't you worry about how hard I work or how much I spend. I got to do what I enjoy doing and what makes me happy and proud. Especially these days," she added, scowling with thoughts of Daddy.