With This Man

  Within minutes, I hear her soft breathing, and only minutes after that, my own eyes become heavy. The fact that the bed isn’t ours and is lumpy is inconsequential. I could be lying on a bed of nails and be content. Because she’s here. With her man.

  Chapter 23

  My sleepy brain is telling me not to move, though I’m not sure why. I’m aware that I’m curled around Ava’s body, my front to her back, snug and tight. And I’m aware that I slept the best I have in over a week. I’m also aware of something growing between my groin and her arse. That’s why I shouldn’t move. But Ava doesn’t get the warning. Her body starts to stretch, and she groans. Oh, shit. My muscles lock, my body freezes, and I hold my breath as she grinds her arse into me, causing all kinds of chaos in my cock and my head. Good God, what kind of torture is this?

  Then she suddenly stills, my erection wedged between her thighs, my teeth grinding as I fight my way through the torturous sensitivity. ‘Oh . . .’ she breathes, shimmying a little, as if I’m not in enough fucking pain.

  ‘Don’t move, Ava,’ I warn. I’m so fucking hard, it could break off. ‘Please.’

  ‘Sorry.’

  ‘So you should be.’ I need to get out of this bed before the radar on my cock wins and finds its target. Half of me wants it to. Actually, the best part of me wants it to. I could fuck her memory back. I mentally slap myself for my unreasonable thought. But, then again, my lack of reason is one of the things Ava loves about me . . . right? Jesus, Jesse, sort your shit out.

  Quiet falls, and she waits patiently while I focus on talking down my wayward dick. Five minutes later, I’m still iron. ‘It’s no good,’ I finally admit. My cock has and always will have a mind of its own where my wife is concerned. ‘It won’t go down.’ I relax and squeeze Ava closer, hoping that restricting the rampant little fucker might help.

  ‘It’s okay,’ Ava says, surprising me a little.

  It is? What, my dick hard, or my dick where it is? Just a little nudge to the left and I’ll be inside her. Would that be okay? Shit, change the subject quickly. ‘Couldn’t you sleep?’

  ‘No. Something wasn’t . . .’ She fades off, stilling. ‘Right.’

  ‘This. You didn’t have this.’ I squeeze her tight, and she nods, sighing and settling again.

  ‘This is nice.’

  ‘It would be better if you were naked,’ I say without thought, wondering just how much I want to physically hurt myself.

  ‘Really?’ She sounds truly surprised by that, and I frown at the back of her head. ‘Because I had a very good look at my body in the mirror last night, and, frankly, it isn’t pretty.’

  My hard-on shrivels to nothing in a second as I stare incredulously at her hair.

  ‘Stretch marks,’ she grumbles on. ‘Saggy boobs, and what the hell happened to my waistline?’

  Is she playing some kind of cruel game? ‘Take that back,’ I all but growl in her hair. I won’t have her speaking such bullshit. ‘Turn over.’ I bully her body over until she’s facing me, a little alarmed. ‘Let’s get one thing straight, lady.’ I wave an accusing finger up and down her reclined body. ‘All this here is mine, and I love it. Your boobs are perfect.’ I allow myself a brief glimpse at the mounds beneath her lace negligee, my mouth watering for a taste. ‘Your waistline is perfect, and the stretch marks you speak of make me smile every day. They’re part of you, a part of us. I love them, almost as much as I love your boobs, and I love your boobs a lot. A real lot. And, for the record, so do you.’

  ‘I do?’

  ‘Yes, you do.’ I nod sharply. I’m immoral. I don’t care. ‘You love them because I love them. So are we done?’

  ‘I guess so.’ Her eyes are wide, taken aback, though I sense some satisfaction somewhere inside her.

  Her gaze drops down to my stomach, her teeth sinking into her lip and biting down. ‘What happened?’ she asks, tracing a continuous line over my stomach, brushing over both scars.

  I close my eyes and follow my instinct, confirming what she thinks she knows. ‘I had a motorcycle accident years ago.’ I hate myself for not telling her everything, though I’m quick to reassure myself that it’s for the best. That shit could break her right now. I take her hand away from my stomach and move her fingers to my lips, kissing them sweetly. I haven’t lost my master ability to distract my wife. Her eyes sparkle and she blinks rapidly. ‘Turn over,’ I order gently.

  She obeys without a second of hesitation, spinning over as I grab my phone and put the Sonos on, letting the tracks shuffle. She wriggles back into my body, and my cock springs to life again just like that. And quiet falls. And I think about the spark of fire that I saw in her eyes before she turned away from me. And like an omen or something, a song that has been with us through good times and bad drifts from the speakers. Massive Attack’s ‘Angel’. I stiffen, wondering if it’ll jolt anything in her.

  ‘Jesse?’ she says quietly, and I hum my acknowledgment, holding my breath in anticipation. But she doesn’t say anything. Instead, she shuffles over again and stares me straight in the eyes. And I see her. My wife. The hunger for me that she can never keep at bay. The urge to tackle me and ravage me. The visibly potent desire that I’m faced with daily, from the moment she wakes to the moment she falls asleep in my arms. It’s all staring back at me right now, and for the first time in our history together, I’m reluctant to give her what she clearly wants. What I need.

  ‘What?’ I whisper, brushing a lock of stray hair from her face as the music builds and takes over.

  Without a word, she pushes me to my back and straddles my stomach. I swallow down some restraint when her bare arse meets my skin, the heat of her core against my flesh. She takes the bottom of her lace nightgown and pulls it up her body.

  ‘Ava, what are you doing?’ I ask, despite desperately wanting her to do it. Her boobs spring free, heavy and swollen, and I swallow again.

  ‘I don’t know.’ She tosses it aside and lowers her torso to mine, taking my cheeks. ‘But everything is telling me to do it.’

  ‘Are you sure?’ Never have those words come from my mouth. Not ever. And my cock is seriously throbbing in protest at my reluctance.

  Her answer is a kiss. A gentle kiss on the corner of my mouth. It’s light and chaste, but the most consuming imaginable. My hands move to her back and skate across her smooth skin, my eyes closing in bliss. Let her be. Let her take the lead and dictate our reunion.

  Relaxing into the mattress, I open my mouth when she licks the seam of my lips, her tongue soft and searching. Oh God, this is heaven. Holding back is a killer. Letting her control the pace is a battle like no other. Her bottom lifts from my stomach, and my cock springs up, skimming the heat between her legs. I jump. She jumps. I moan around our kiss, and she swallows it on a sigh. Her mouth seduces mine lazily as she lowers a fraction onto my weeping, eager cock. And like she was made just for me, which she was, she cushions me perfectly, gliding down my shaft with ease.

  ‘Oh God,’ she breathes, and I smile around her lips, thrown into bliss.

  The track, our track, continues to play, building to the crescendo. ‘No, baby. That’s me.’

  She jerks and flies off my body, making me hiss from the sudden, unexpected withdrawal. ‘Fuck!’ I cup myself, gritting my teeth, and find her sitting on the edge of the bed staring at the wall. What’s happened? Didn’t it feel right? ‘Ava, what’s wrong, baby?’

  I quickly shuffle to the edge of the bed and wrap an arm around her body, instantly getting a hint of her shaking form. She’s trembling. ‘Ava, talk to me, please.’

  She shakes her head, looking up at me with eyes that are disturbed. ‘I had a flashback.’

  I try not to recoil. Is that good? ‘Of what?’

  ‘I don’t know.’ She looks at the carpet, her fingers twiddling in her lap. ‘It happened so quickly. Oh my God, please turn this music off.’ She looks aroun
d the room, as if searching for the stereo. ‘I can’t bear it.’ Her hands cover her ears, and my damn heart splits.

  I quickly find my phone and shut it off.

  ‘Rowing boats,’ she mumbles, her forehead heavy. ‘That track. Your words. I saw rowing boats.’

  ‘Rowing boats?’

  ‘Yes.’ She gets up and starts pacing the room, naked as can be, though she’s too preoccupied to notice, or maybe give a toss. ‘Why the hell would I be seeing rowing boats?’

  It clicks, falls into place. I get up and take her hand, leading her to our own bedroom. ‘This is why.’ I open the bedside table drawer and pull something out, handing it to her. She glances down at the book. ‘Giuseppe Cavalli,’ I tell her. ‘You had one of his pieces hung in the master suite of my penthouse at Lusso.’ I sit next to her and open the book to the page where the photograph is, eager for her to see, hoping it’ll spike more than a flashback. ‘There.’ I point to the picture. ‘The original is hanging in our dining room. He was the master of light. You told me all about him when you gave me a guided tour of my new apartment. It was the first time we . . . well, made love.’

  ‘We did?’

  ‘Yes.’ I frown. Haven’t I told her this already? ‘In the bathroom at Lusso on launch night. I bought you this book.’ I flick to the back where the note still sits. ‘With this.’

  Ava pulls out the piece of paper and reads it aloud. ‘“You’re like a book I can’t put down. I need to know more.”’

  ‘Do you remember, baby?’ I ask, watching her scan the words, hoping and praying she finds something to match the flashback.

  Her eyes clench shut, as if she’s desperately searching for any recollection. And I know she is. But when she sags and a tear falls, splashing the paper in her hand, I know she hasn’t. ‘It was so vivid.’ She looks at me. ‘So real. I felt someone there with me, looking at the boats. It was you. I couldn’t see you, but I felt you. Like I’m feeling you since I woke up after the accident. I feel you all the time, even when we’re not touching. Even when you’re not in the room.’

  I smile sadly and pull her onto my lap. ‘Time, baby. Give it time.’ While I’m reassuring her, I’m working hard to reassure myself. That flashback must have been fucking powerful to launch her off my body like that. Nothing can ever distract her from me, especially when I’m inside her. Facing the fact that there’s a force more powerful than me in my wife’s life right now is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to contend with. Because, of all the things in this world that can make her better, I just know I am her strongest chance.

  Chapter 24

  ‘Three.’ I’m stalking my prey, closing in, watching as she backs away from me with a teasing smile on her face. ‘Two,’ I growl, picking up speed, laughing on the inside when she turns on a squeal and pelts off up the stairs. ‘One,’ I shout, taking them three at a time and bursting into our bedroom. She’s standing on the far side, a can of squirty cream in one hand, a jar of chocolate spread in the other. And she’s gloriously naked, except for the seductive smile she’s wearing.

  ‘Do your worst, Mr Ward.’

  ‘Zero, baby.’

  I start and jerk awake, frantically scanning my surroundings.

  ‘Jesse?’

  Ava comes into my vision, standing at the end of the bed in her dressing gown. ‘I must have dozed off again.’ I scrub at my face with my palms, wondering how I could be so tired after such a good night’s sleep.

  ‘I just spoke to Kate. She wants us to meet them for dinner tomorrow night.’

  I can think of nothing worse than putting myself in front of people and trying to smile. I just want to hide away in our little manor until things are back to normal. I’m on the cusp of suggesting we do exactly that, but Ava speaks first. ‘I’m looking forward to seeing her.’

  Of course she is. Ava’s best friend is one of the only people she recognises. And that fucking stings like a fuck-off-big Portuguese man-of-war. ‘Great.’ I smile through my false enthusiasm.

  ‘I’m going to take a shower.’ She edges towards the bathroom, pointing to my phone on the bed. ‘The kids rang while you were asleep.’

  ‘Did you answer?’ The thought of her staring blankly at my phone while it rang, their faces on my screen, is unbearable.

  ‘Of course I answered.’ She seems almost offended. ‘They’ve been fishing today. Dad caught a ten-pound bream. Jacob sent the pictures through.’

  I reach for my phone, keen to see their faces. And I bark out a shot of laughter when Jacob appears on my screen, a huge fish hanging from his hand, an even bigger grin on his face. And then there’s Maddie, eyes wide, looking at the bream like it could be a great white. ‘Look at them.’ My heart swells as I turn to Ava, her smile as bright as mine.

  ‘Jacob looks so much like you in that picture.’ Ava’s comment has me focusing on my boy once again. She’s right. He does, more so than usual. ‘Handsome,’ she adds.

  I shoot her a look, and she shrugs, a little shyly. ‘And Maddie looks just like you. Beautiful.’

  Her lips twist a little. If she dares challenge that . . . ‘It’s quite scary, don’t you think?’

  ‘What? How similar they are to us?’

  ‘Yes.’ She wanders over and looks down at the screen with me.

  ‘Not scary,’ I counter, looking up at her with a wide smile. ‘They’re lucky fucking kids.’

  She laughs, a genuine bend-over, stomach-clenching laugh. It’s a sight to behold, and it has me grinning from ear to ear. ‘You’re so pigheaded.’

  ‘So I’m told. Now get that gorgeous arse in the shower. I’ll take you somewhere special after your therapy session.’

  ‘Actually, I was thinking of calling Elsie about her offer. Yoga might be the kind of thing I need. All this therapy is useless. I hate it. It just makes me feel crap and hopeless.’

  I get her point, completely. I hate seeing her looking so disheartened each time she’s left a session. But . . . ‘We have yoga classes at the health club,’ I remind her. ‘If you want to do it, I’ll get you on the classes.’ That way she’ll still be close by.

  ‘Yoga in a studio with thirty other people?’ She wrinkles her nose at me. ‘It’s not really the relaxation I had in mind. Elsie’s classes sound far more therapeutic. One-on-one. What do you think?’

  ‘I think yoga is yoga.’

  She gives me a roll of her eyes and heads for the bathroom. ‘But Elsie has this spiritual thing going on.’

  I grimace as I get up and follow her. ‘You’re not going to go all hippie on me, are you?’ I grin when she tuts dramatically. ‘Though if you want to stop wearing bras during the day, I’m down with that.’ Seizing her from in front of the mirror, I whirl her around, her gasp of lusty surprise like music to my ears.

  ‘I’m being serious.’ She tries to force me away, and my disposition is quickly slighted as a result.

  ‘So am I.’ I tug her back. ‘If you want to do yoga, we have a perfectly good health club for you to do it at. It makes sense for you to be at the club.’ Perfect fucking sense.

  ‘So you can keep an eye on me?’

  ‘Exactly.’

  Her eyes narrow, pissed off. ‘I assume I had a life beyond you before the accident,’ she says, pointing a pout my way. ‘Or did you keep me nailed to your side permanently?’

  I scoff. ‘I wish.’

  ‘I’m going to yoga at Elsie’s well-being centre, and you can’t stop me.’

  She want to place bets on that? What’s wrong with our club, if she wants to practise yoga? And what if her memories come flooding back while I’m not with her? Lord knows, if she suddenly remembers everything, it could certainly bring on a panic attack. I’m about to reaffirm my refusal to let her go, but I pull back, reminding myself that my life is practically hanging in the balance. I can’t make her remember if she’s not talking to me, and that?
??s what’s going to happen if I deny her this. Softly-softly. Patience.

  ‘Fine.’ I spit the word out with force. ‘But I’m taking you and picking you up.’

  ‘I’d like to drive myself.’

  I laugh, loud and sharp. She’s testing me now. ‘Don’t push me, Ava. I’ve agreed to yoga. That’s as much as you’re getting.’ I push myself into her front and squeeze her tight. ‘End of.

  ‘I’m driving myself.’ She pushes her hips into my groin. ‘End of.’

  Chapter 25

  Ava

  I’m torn between the need to keep him close and the need to desperately break away. To find some independence before I come to lean on him too much.

  Yoga is the perfect place to start, just a couple of hours away from him. The big wide world is a scary place, but it’s not going to get any less scary unless I push forward. So I’m going, and I don’t care how much he sulks about it. And I’m driving myself.

  Elsie was delighted to hear from me, and offered to let me join her this afternoon. I’m looking forward to it, and as I come down the stairs, feeling bright and positive, I see Jesse pacing the hallway. I don’t let his clear displeasure break me down. ‘The keys?’ I ask, pulling my bag onto my shoulder.

  The scowl fired at me is fierce, as is his stance. The man can sulk, that much I’ve figured out. But his moody nature when things don’t go his way is oddly endearing. Familiar. He grunts, looking me up and down, handing me a bunch of keys and a pretty pinky-gold thing.

  I frown down at it. It’s not much bigger than a credit card. ‘What’s this?’

  ‘Your phone.’

  ‘Oh.’ I smile and slip it into my bag and pull a hair tie out, securing my hair into a ponytail carefully.

  ‘I’m not happy about this.’