Infinite Risk

  “I always come back, don’t I?” The Harbinger tapped my nose in what might approximate an affectionate gesture, but I felt more like a dog being swatted with a newspaper.

  My gaze slammed into his as I choked down all the shit I really wanted to say. Like, What the hell are you doing? “So far, yes.”

  “I should let you two—”

  “It’s fine,” the Harbinger said, smiling. “Why don’t I buy coffee? It’s the least I can do since you’ve looked after my lovely girl so well.”

  Despite my halfhearted protests, we ended up in a diner four blocks away. The garish fluorescent lights stung my eyes, throwing the faults in the décor into sharp relief, a sort of chiaroscuro in neglect. The place reminded me a little of the place where Kian made me an offer I couldn’t refuse, only these people weren’t pieces set in place by Wedderburn. Most of them were layered in worn winter gear, counting coins to pay for their coffee.

  I rubbed my fingers across a tear in the beige vinyl booth seat as the Harbinger shoved in beside me. Should’ve seen that coming. He waited until the tired waitress took our order, and then he shrugged out of his coat in a swirl of silky hair. This was such a bizarre echo of a scene, only last time it was Kian pretending to be my gorgeous boyfriend. The Harbinger could look however he wished, so this was just salt in the wound. There was no reason for him to come across so ethereal and rock-star perfect, unless he intended to make Kian feel shitty.

  Probably.

  “You … you’re not in high school?” Kian ventured.

  The Harbinger laughed. “Hardly.”

  “He just graduated,” I cut in, hoping to discourage more questions.

  A look of dancing gray amusement swung my way. “Don’t be so nervous. You know I don’t mind if you make friends.”

  That seemed to put Kian a little more at ease, though he didn’t say much. Instead, the Harbinger monopolized the conversation before and after our drinks arrived. Kian appeared to regret his hot chocolate; he stirred it more than drank.

  “Not good?” I asked.

  He shrugged. “Powder mix, a little too much hot water.”

  It did look gray instead of rich brown. My coffee was fine, if bitter and strong, definitely better than what I’d bought at the convenience store. The struggle to be sociable lasted for half an hour before the Harbinger polished off his second cup and curled an arm around my shoulders in a graceful slouch.

  “We should go before the buses stop for the night. I’ll take you home.” Then he added, “You can put yourself back where you belong, Ian?”

  “Kian,” he corrected.

  “Right. Sorry.” It was the sort of passive-aggressive bullshit a jealous boyfriend might pull, so I couldn’t bitch in present company.

  Just wait until I get you alone, “Colin.”

  We headed to the bus stop together, but Kian’s came first. From his apathetic wave and the way he didn’t turn to look at me from the bus, he wasn’t pleased. As soon as the vehicle trundled out of sight, I shoved the Harbinger away from me.

  “What is wrong with you?”

  “Should’ve killed me when you had the chance?” He didn’t shift to his customary appearance, however, and I wasn’t used to him looking so young.

  “Don’t tempt me. Why are you messing around like this? What’s the point?”

  “It’ll be easier to finish the mission if people think you have a boyfriend, no? Weren’t you worried about crossing a line with the young nerdling?”

  I stared up at him, his face wreathed by the mist of my own breath. “How do you know?”

  “Didn’t I already tell you that we’re bound?”

  “What the … seriously? Can you read my mind because I fed you in a different timeline? How does that even—”

  “You’ll drive yourself mad, trying to impose logic on monsters. Our world was crafted in layers, over time, born of contradictions and dark wishes.”

  “If you can read my mind, I might actually end you.” I touched the gold weight of Aegis beneath the layers of fleece, yarn, and denim.

  To my annoyance, he laughed. “Then I’m safe. Sometimes I just know things about you, dearling. Not thoughts but a flicker of desire or fear.”

  The bus headlights shone in the dark, and it slowed as the driver spotted us. Smiling, the Harbinger took my gloved hand in his, and then we were gone in a swirl of darkness, just as he’d transported me after Kian’s death. This time, we appeared in my room at the Baltimore, definitely more convenient than the CTA. I switched on the light, fiddled with the radiator, uncomfortable with the intimacy he’d forced me to acknowledge between us. Sometimes I found myself thinking of him at odd times, almost missing him when he wasn’t around, and none of it made it any sense. But maybe it’s not my fault, a side effect or something.

  “Can we stop it?” I asked finally, turning to face him.

  He lifted his shoulders in a careless shrug. “Why would I want to? Your life is infinitely amusing, and now I get to participate in the drama.”

  “It’s not … You can’t do this. This may be hilarious to you, but if the others notice you sniffing around, it’ll get me killed. And if that happens before I fix everything…” My hands curled into fists as I trailed off.

  “You’re not fixing anything,” he said.

  “Huh?”

  “You’ve created a new possibility; that’s all. The world you left still exists. All the awful things have still happened. The details are fuzzy, but do you think you’re wiping the slate clean somehow? That’s not how it works.”

  His words hit me like a tire iron, and I collapsed on the edge of the bed. I’d suspected, of course, but I knew shit about time travel before I used my dad’s device, other than what I read his notes and had seen in science fiction. Of course, since the Harbinger was a trickster, maybe I shouldn’t believe him. He’d lied to me before, like when the woman next door died. But …

  “In stories, people believe you’re wicked when you lie,” I said softly. “Fomenting misery, chaos, and discord with deceit. But I think you’re cruelest with the truth.”

  He sank down beside me, slipping into the shape most familiar, like someone else might change their shoes. In contrast with the pretty boy he’d chosen before, tonight he seemed haggard, eyes sunk deep, and there seemed to be more silver in his hair. Since he didn’t age, his form must reflect his present mood.

  The Harbinger stared at his folded hands. “And this is why I always come back. Such acuity is like an incision. It always hurts, but I’ve come to savor it.”

  “Excuse me?”

  “You see the coal where my heart should be, and you don’t turn away. You speak it.”

  It took me a minute to parse, but I thought I understood. He was drawn to me because I saw him as he was, not as legends described him. Knowing that, it got harder to cling to my wrath over his interference. Truthfully, the existence of “Colin” would make my life easier, helping me toe the line so I didn’t break Kian’s heart.

  “Want to hear something funny?” I asked.

  “Always.”

  “When you talked about making the mission easier, that’s kind of what Kian said in the other timeline, when Wedderburn told him to get close to me, so he pretended to be my boyfriend. It was supposed to get guys off my case at school and let me focus on revenge.” I had no idea why I was sharing this, maybe because solitary memories felt like sacks of cement strapped to my back. Loneliness could be distilled to this—I’m the only one who remembers.

  If I was expecting sympathy, clearly I’d mistaken my audience. “That makes it even more delicious. I do so love theater of the absurd.”

  “I deserve that. For thinking you care about anything but your own entertainment.”

  His voice dropped, signaling a somber air. “You shouldn’t worry. My presence won’t raise any red flags; this is hardly the first time I’ve played with a human for sport.”

  “That’s supposed to make me feel better? Wedderburn already has
one asset snooping around. Won’t Raoul wonder about your interest in me? If this escalates—”

  “I will protect you. There is one thing you should never doubt, and it is that I guard my treasures well.”

  That was so infuriating, I could only laugh. “I’m not your treasure.”

  “Of course you are,” he said, as if a priceless vase had objected to being set on a shelf. “Until I weary of you anyway.”

  “And so we circle back to the broken-toys allegory.” He looked blank, so I guessed he didn’t remember. I went on. “We’ve been over this. You don’t have the power to protect me from all the immortals who will want me dead if they find out about Aegis.”

  “What’s Aegis?” he asked with birdlike tilt of his head.

  “Are you screwing with me right now?”

  The Harbinger lowered his chin, so the silver-shot hair veiled his face. “I’ve forgotten the details. They were clearer when you first came, but I’ve been here and now with you and not there and then for long enough that it’s going. Tell me again.” He flopped backward on my bed and stretched like a cat.

  “You really want me to turn what happened in the other timeline into a bedtime story?” Sighing, I decided aloud, “I guess it won’t be any worse than old-school fairy tales.”

  He cracked one eye open, offering a lopsided smile. “Truly. The stories your people make up for children are frightful.”

  “So if I tell you here and now, you won’t forget?” It seemed prudent to ensure he wouldn’t ask for this once a week; I couldn’t handle the Harbinger in my bed on a regular basis.

  His starry gaze met mine fully, laced with weights and implications I couldn’t interpret. Then, like the cat I’d compared him to earlier, he rolled onto his side and rested his head in my lap. I remembered how he had said Just … do this a bit longer, when I was petting his hair, and predicted he would break my heart. Later he changed it to me breaking his.

  In that case, one piece of coal becomes two, right? But … coal under sufficient pressure turns into a diamond.

  He sighed softly. “Other than space-time tomfoolery, I never forget.”

  “Sounds like a blessing and a curse.”

  His eyes closed then, an ancient creature weary beyond bearing. “No, dearling. Just a curse. Now it’s important … so tell me everything.”

  A TSUNAMI OF NOPE

  Monday during lunch, Kian was so silent that I could tell he was still pissed. He looked only at his food, not at me, to the point that I might as well not have been there. I tolerated it for five minutes, and then I jerked his tray toward me. His milk sloshed, and I ate two tater tots as a form of protest. The gambit worked, forcing him to make reluctant eye contact.

  “Something on your mind?” I asked.

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  There was nothing for it but to pretend to be obtuse. “This is bullshit, Kian. We haven’t known each other that long, but I thought we were friends.”

  His jaw clenched, and he spoke through gritted teeth. “So did I. Funny how you didn’t mention having a boyfriend. You think he’d be okay with our sleepover? It’s fine for you; I’m the one getting my ass kicked for no reason.”

  I pretended sudden comprehension. “He is cool with it, actually. Colin isn’t the type to beat someone up.”

  More likely to kidnap you and keep you in a cage or have birds peck out your eyes.

  Kian seemed to deflate, a sheepish expression dawning as he lowered his eyes. “I guess that was kind of unfair, huh?”

  “When we met, there was no reason to mention Colin. I hadn’t seen him in a while. He and I … well, our history is complex and inexplicable.” There, that should do it.

  “But you just take him back the minute he shows up?” Kian sighed and shook his head, stabbing his fork into the chicken patty with enough force that the plastic tines broke. He plucked the white shards from his food with evident annoyance.

  “Actually it’s more like I leave and he follows.”

  His eyes widened. “Seriously? You take off and he drops everything to chase you?”

  Put that way, it sounded bad on both our parts; it painted me as heartless and him as a stalker. “I’m not running from him,” I said finally.

  “Your life is so complicated.”

  I smiled faintly. “Tell me about it. So you’re not mad anymore?”

  “I was mostly worried about the fallout. It’s not like I don’t have my own secrets.” He tore off a piece of his roll, compressing it into dough with nervous fingertips.

  If I read the situation right, that was my cue to dig. “Such as?”

  His gaze flickered to the girl in the middle of the cafeteria, currently tossing her shiny brown hair. “There’s someone I like a lot … since I first moved here.”

  Wow, that’s been years. Talk about a long crush.

  I followed his gaze. “Have you ever talked to her?”

  “God, no. That’s part of the problem. Until you showed up, I never talked to anyone.”

  “How come?” Despite the question, I didn’t expect him to show me all the skeletons in his closet over bad school food.

  So it surprised me when he eventually answered.

  “I was pretty messed up when I first moved in with my aunt and uncle, definitely in no mood to make friends. It’s hard to explain now, but it’s like I thought, if I don’t engage, if I don’t make any move to adapt, then it’s like none of this is real?” His tone went up at the end as if he was asking for confirmation of his past emotional state.

  So I said, “That makes sense. You were in denial.”

  His smile surprised me with its brilliance, brightening his eyes. “Exactly. By the time I rebounded, it was too late. I already had an unshakable rep as a weirdo. So all I could do was mark time and do my work.”

  “It’s never too late,” I said.

  He laughed, until my expression made it clear I was serious. The rest of the noise might as well be gibbon monkeys as he stared. Then Kian shook his head. “I know you’re trying to make me feel better, but I’ll be bottom of the barrel socially until college.”

  Maybe it was too soon to argue. “With that attitude, you definitely will be. So tell me about the girl.” Tanya … I’d forgotten her last name. “Or should I guess? She’s a cheerleader, dating the sports superstar, probably excels in academics but more because she’s good at working the teachers than for actual achievement.”

  He scowled. “Wrong. She’s in science and math with me.”

  Shit, I should’ve realized. Just being pretty wouldn’t be enough to make him like her.

  “Sorry, that was unfair.”

  “The other stuff is true, though. See the guy sitting next to her?” Kian didn’t need to turn around apparently to know exactly where she was. His devotion gave me a pang, even as I told myself, Good thing he’s not falling for me.

  I shifted, peering past his shoulder. “Blond hair, generic handsome?”

  “Yeah. That’s Jake Overman.”

  “Quarterback?”

  “Nope. Wait until he stands up before trying again.”

  That could’ve taken a while, but Tanya sent him to get some napkins. As he uncurled from his chair, I realized he was considerably taller than six feet. “Basketball, then?”

  “You got it. JV squad.”

  “Don’t expect me to figure out his position. I barely know anything about sports.”

  Kian grinned. “That’s one of my favorite things about you. I won’t ask you to guess anything else.”

  We finished lunch while I pondered what I’d learned. Though he didn’t watch her as obviously now that we were hanging out, Kian still had a thing for Tanya. I shouldn’t have expected everything to change just because I was here. From what he’d told me, he spiraled into an impenetrable depression after this girl rejected and humiliated him, until he hit extremis. After that, his decision to accept Raoul’s offer ended badly for poor Tanya. While the immortal game was screwing up people’
s lives all over the place, this was where I’d chosen to stand and fight., I couldn’t permit events to unfold as they had before.

  But how can I be sure I’ve done enough?

  The obvious answer was to stay until his birthday in June, but I had no idea what the ramifications were for living five months in the wrong time stream. From what little Kian had said, Wedderburn had agents experienced in time travel, but I doubted they stuck around for long; what Kian said sounded more like quick in-and-out jobs: artifact retrieval or timely executions. And that was out of the question here.

  “What’s got you so perplexed?” Kian asked as we cleared our trays.

  “Just some time-travel paradox stuff.” I expected him to leave that alone, but he leaned closer in apparent interest.

  “Is it about wiping yourself out of existence or becoming your own grandma?”

  I laughed. “Not that complicated, thankfully.”

  “I didn’t know you were into science fiction. Smart, classic-film buff, a bit of a geek…” Kian nodded as if he’d come to a difficult conclusion. “You’re perfect.”

  “For what?” I wondered aloud.

  “The role of my best friend.” He stressed the last word, maybe because of Colin.

  “I’m glad to hear that,” I said, quietly aching.

  He bumped his shoulder against mine as we headed out of the cafeteria but the move caught me off guard, so I stumbled. Somebody steadied me, and I turned reflexively to say thanks, only to find the uber-tall Jake Overman behind me. The rest of his group stood nearby, polished and shiny in designer labels. A few sported smirks as if they expected me to be embarrassed, but these people were amateurs compared to the Blackbriar elite. Pretending I didn’t understand that they were school royalty, I offered a friendly wave.

  “Thanks.”

  One of the girls, not Tanya, edged to the front. “Can you settle a bet? Everyone’s so curious, are you going out…?” She gestured at the two of us, lip curled.

  Smiling brightly, I said, “I wish. But he just made it really clear that I’m friend-zoned.”