Home Tears

  “We have to go south. Dani,” she twisted to face her sister. “I was told to go south. When have I ever lied to you?”

  “You lie all the time.” Dani gritted her teeth as she held onto the anchor’s rope.

  “Okay, but not about this.”

  “We’re going to die because of this, Julia. You know that, right?” Dani wanted to make sure her sister knew what she was saying. That she wasn’t going crazy how Dani thought she herself was.

  “We’ll die if we cut across.” Julia slouched over. “We have to go south.” She yelled over Dani’s head, “Go, Trenton. We don’t have a lot of time, and we have to get there.”

  He waited, looking at Dani for confirmation.

  She nodded.

  He turned the boat and gunned the engine. All of them fell back, then tossed to the right and left from the waves. They were increasing in height and force. Trenton kept driving, but the last wave nearly sent Dani flying from the boat. She wound the anchor’s rope around her waist, and it jerked her back down.

  Then she looked up. Wave after wave was coming. They were all going to crash down on them, and it wouldn’t last. They wouldn’t last. Dani was forced with the truth.

  “We’re going to capsize, Julia. We need life jackets. We need—”

  “No!” Julia screamed against the wind. “We need the anchor. Where are we, Dani? Do you know where we are?”

  “We’re in the middle of nowhere. That’s where we are.”

  “No, where are we? Do you know where we are now?”

  Mrs. Bendsfield screamed, “I think I broke a rib!”

  Dani glanced around. She was becoming frantic, but her eyes caught sight of a tree. One lone tree that stuck up from the rest, and her heart suddenly pounded to life.

  “Oh, God,” she murmured, dazed. She stood up. “You’re right, Julia. We need the anchor. We need—there should be small heating packs inside that compartment. Grab them all and put them in a closed pocket. Something that can be zipped closed.”

  “…my ribs…”

  Trenton stalled the engine. He leaned toward Dani. “What’s going on?”

  Julia scrambled up. “Where are we?”

  “There’s a cave. I’m going over to that tree, and we can follow it down to the cave. We’ll have to swim around, but there should be an air pocket inside that cave. There’s blankets and dry clothes in there.” She twisted to Trenton, smiling so brightly. She had new hope. “It’s the cave. Call in our location. They’ll have to come find us.”

  “I can’t breathe.” Mrs. Bendsfield gasped. “My rib is broken. I can’t hold my breath for that long.”

  “You’re going to have to,” Dani said. No one else was going to die.

  “I’m not going to make it.” Mrs. Bendsfield was calm and accepting. Dani knew what she was feeling. She’d felt it nearly the entire time, but now she didn’t want to die. She wanted to fight, and she wouldn’t give up.

  “You can try, Mrs. Bendsfield!” Dani yelled.

  “Nanery,” she said, a kind smile looked alien across her wrinkled face. “My name’s Nanery.” She reached and grabbed Dani’s hand. “I’ve got some truths to confess here.”

  Julia stilled and looked up.

  Trenton was on the radio, giving their location, but Dani froze and watched.

  Nanery drew in a breath, grunting from the pain. “My husband loved your grandma, but you knew that. He snuck around on me for a while before he up and left, but he came back through town every so often. It’s why Sandy had three of them. It wasn’t ever told. I never told a soul, but your momma screwed that up. She started coming around—”

  “We don’t have time for this!” Julia screamed.

  Dani shot a hand out to quiet her sister. “Shut up and let her talk!”

  Nanery was wheezing, grimacing. There was no blood left in her face. “My boy—I had to tell your momma about who her daddy was. She couldn’t take a liking to my Oscar. It wasn’t right.”

  “That’s why she was the only one who visited her.”

  “Sandy used to be my best friend, and even though I hated her, I knew she didn’t want her children knowing she was all sorts of crazy.”

  “What are you talking about?” Julia cried out. “We’re going to die—”

  Dani rounded on her, “Then I’m going to die knowing the truth!”

  Julia shut up.

  Nanery coughed before she managed, “I’ve got all sorts of guilt that eats at me. And one of the worst—your momma.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Me and her got real tight. I was the only one she could talk to about her momma, but she had the same curse that Sandy did.”

  “It was a married man.” Dani knew.

  “He was married, but not happily. Daniella let that right her mind so she wasn’t guilt-ridden, but Kathryn stuck her hand into the mix, you see—”

  “Kathryn loved him, too.”

  “He didn’t have time for her. It was only Daniella he loved.”

  “What are you saying?” Julia asked. Her voice was suddenly so calm against the chaos surrounding them.

  “Your pop is here. He’s been around, but Daniella didn’t want you guys to know. She was ashamed. She didn’t want her kiddies knowing what a ‘screw-up’ she was.” Nanery coughed again and hissed from the pain. “She knew that Kathryn would take a liking to the two because they look like their daddy, but Daniella knew that Dani would be left in the cold. She didn’t know what to do when she found out she was dying.”

  Julia and Dani stood and waited, hearing their secrets spew from a stranger’s mouth.

  “I never done right by your momma. My boy took off. He disowned me for keeping that secret so many years. He said he couldn’t have a mother who knew he had three sisters and not tell him that. He couldn’t ever trust me again, so he took off. I’ve never seen him since. Suppose now, I won’t.”

  Dani raised her chin. “If he comes back, I’ll tell him that you did right in the end.”

  Nanery’s smile was quick. She grasped for her hand, giving it a good squeeze. “Thank you.” She slumped forward. Dani recognized the signs. The cracked ribs and the storm, Mrs. Bendsfield was going to die. Her will to hang on was slipping. Dani saw that, too. The exertion was too much, but Mrs. Bendsfield unwound the anchor’s rope from her leg.

  It was now free from her.

  She’d lived a tumultuous life, and she’d die in a tumultuous storm. The poetry wasn’t lost on Dani as she knelt beside this woman. “Who is our father?”

  “You know him.” Nanery smiled. “You’ve talked to him. He’s with Mae all the time.”

  That was enough. Dani stood back up. She knew.

  He wore a white dolphin on his wedding ring. Dani had sat just in front of them with her back turned. She hadn’t been listening, but now Jeffries’ words came back to her. She heard it all—it’s the dolphin that stood for healing and loss.

  Jeffries had told her mom about the dolphin.

  “I know who he is.”

  Mrs. Bendsfield continued, “I’ve run into him a bit, around town and such. He always knew that I knew his secret, and one time he talked to me about it. Your momma didn’t want her secret told—that she’d been with a married man.”

  “He was older.”

  “He still is old, but he watches you guys. He keeps updates on you, Dani, from Mae and from you, Julia, through Jake. Your fiancé stops in Mae’s Grill on a regular basis and talks a plenty of his girl.”

  Dani was thrown across the boat as a wave rocked the boat.

  “Dani!” Julia shouted and reached for her sister.

  “I’m sorry!” Nanery shouted now as she stood up. “I could’ve saved your family. I knew all the secrets, but I chose not to. I’m sorry.”

  “We have to go!” Jake had been watching the waves. He motioned for them now. “Now!”

  “Dani!” Julia screamed into her ear, and Dani reacted instinctively as another wave crashed against them. She dove
for something to hold on to, and Trenton gunned the engine. The boat shot across the small divide. The tree brushed against their helm.

  They didn’t have time for any more deathside confessions.

  Dani grabbed the anchor, her sister, and as her hand made contact—the boat was rocked, and this time—it capsized.

  All of them plunged into the cold water.

  Dani kicked upward, pulled her sister after her, and both gasped their last breath. Trenton and Jake were there. Nanery wasn’t.

  “We don’t have long. I’m holding the anchor—just barely. We’re going to fall fast with the anchor—don’t fight it.” Dani said to the guys, “Everyone has to hold on. Your lungs will burn, but it’s the only way. You gotta trust me!” The guys would be fine. She looked at Julia. “You have to trust me.”

  “I do!”

  Dani saw that she did. Julia wrapped a hand around the anchor’s rope, and she pulled away from her sister. They were both connected now. Jake and Trenton held on to the rest of the anchor’s rope. Each gave Dani a grim nod.

  Dani knew their destination, but she didn’t know if they’d make it or not. “There’s a cave underneath this tree. If I don’t make it, you just swim around the cave and go inside. You keep swimming until you clear the hedge. Then you can swim upward, and you’ll feel the surface from inside the water.” She looked to Trenton. “He knows. He can lead you in, if I can’t.”

  Julia gasped. “Shut up. Let’s go.” Then she said, “Dani…” She trailed off, treading water.

  “I know.” Dani stopped her. “I know.”

  Julia nodded, settled, and Dani saw that her sister was ready.

  It wasn’t like the last time, Dani thought before she dropped the anchor. It was time. She was going to find out if death called her number.

  Dani—

  I’m writing this letter, but I have no way of getting this to you, so it’s not even really for you. Selfish, aren’t I? Well, tough. I don’t know where you are, but you’re right or I’m right. I don’t know which, right now, but this is for me and my mental health. Jake says I need to be ‘sound’ in the head if I have any way to fight this crap that I have. What Jake doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right? Wrong. I’m dying and I know it, and he’s got to admit it.

  You know what? I’m pretty mad at that, too. Seriously. I’m here and I’m dying, and you’re the one who took off? I bet you’re rich, married, and you already have kids, right?

  Jake seems to think you’re dead. Everyone else, too, but I just think it’s because Aunt Kathryn is spreading that rumor out of spite. She thinks you’ve left her, and who could ever leave Aunt Kathryn? Obviously someone who’s dead. (I’m rolling my eyes.)

  She’s demented. I know that, but she raised me. And Julia needs her. Jake’s scared to death of her. That always makes me laugh. It’s really the only moments of amusement that I have lately. I just watch to see how nervous he gets whenever she shows her face. It’s so funny how his hand will twitch. He always denies it, but I saw that he sat on his hand today. And his eyes look so strained. Jake’s such a guy. He won’t admit someone could terrify him like that. Oh, and he has this little jerk at the corner of his mouth. He’s got a nervous disorder, but anyway—I’m writing this letter for me because he told me to.

  I’m not only dying, but I’m crazy. Crazy and illogical, that’s me, but I’m so far gone on the death road that I don’t even care. That’s kinda funny, too. I can say senseless things like, ‘Oh, how the butterflies are so pretty.’ And everyone will agree and pat my arm and say that the butterflies are gorgeous. And this is in the winter! I told one guy who I saw that he owned a camel in his future. The guy went out and bought a camel! I laughed so hard when Jake told me that. Jake didn’t get it. He just got that cute perplexed look on his face, like he wants to tell me that I’m not making sense, but he doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I love that look. I think that’s why I fell in love with him.

  But, yeah—that’s the other part of this letter.

  You took off after Jake broke up with you. He broke up with you for me, but that’s a little part of history that I want to set right.

  Jake didn’t break up with you. I watched you guys. Yes, you were best friends, and you were dating, but you weren’t any couple that I’ve ever seen.

  You left him long before he left you, Dani, and you know it. You just put up a wall, and it’s amazing he stuck around as long as he did. He did that because he loves you. Sometimes I just hate you. I really do because it’s not fair how the man who I have fallen completely head over heels for still loves you. I can’t touch whatever part you have in him. And trust me—I’ve tried! The guy just gets this stubborn look and walks away to get me some water or something. We’ve talked about you a lot, but we haven’t talked about you and him, you know?

  Anyway, I’m going to die pretty soon, and here’s my confession. I’m not okay that the guy I love with my whole heart still has a part of his for you. I’m not okay with that, and if I were, I’d have to kill myself. I am resolved to it or have reluctantly come to terms with that. I can’t touch what you got with him, but here’s my shallowness peaking—I’m going to be the girl he loved who died. That’s major, and it’ll leave its scars. I know that, and a part of me is happy about it. (I know, so morbid of me.)

  I’m dying, Dani, and I’ve known for a while. No one else has. I knew I had cancer before I was diagnosed, but no one will admit that I’m not going to win. I’m not going to be that girl. It’ll be someone else. Probably you or Julia or, I don’t know. I care, but I don’t care.

  Anyway, on to more confessions. Did you know that our grandmother is still alive? Of course, now that I’m bedridden, I get told by some guy who’s saying he’s my uncle that our grandmother is in an asylum. I guess his dad shacked up with Grandmum and spurted Mom, Kathryn, and Mae out. It’s pretty amazing what dying will give you. All sorts of people will show up at my bedside and talk all sorts of nonsense that they’d want me to know before I’m dead.

  Our uncle is pretty cool. He’s come to visit me a few times. He’s funny, but he’s kind of straight-laced. Not the sort to drink or smoke or have sex, but I’m sure he’s had sex. No one can be that straight-laced, right?

  But the third confession: I know who our dad is. That’s something I’m more pissed about than thinking you’re married, wealthy, and have kids.

  I’m about to die, any day now, and my dad walks through the door. How unfair is that?! I’m pissed! I’m beyond pissed, and I’m even madder that I can’t tell anyone. No one will understand, and if I do say something, they’ll just pat me on the head because I’m dying and, of course, I’m delusional!

  ‘Butterflies are beautiful. Yes, Erica, they sure are.’

  ‘I’m going to buy a camel. Of course, I am.’

  It’s funny, but I hate it right now. I met my father, and no one believes me. They wouldn’t believe me, and even Jake—it makes me so sick because he’d think about you first. He wouldn’t ever admit it, but I know that in some part of his brain he’d be thinking how sad it was that you left before you could meet your father.

  I hate that!

  I hate you sometimes!

  Julia’s freaking out. She’s got no one to put lotion on or to pat their heads and swat away the flies. I love Julia. I really do, but some days it’s just so tiring. I want to rattle her cage and make her see life. I’m dying, and I have a sister who’s living through me! What am I supposed to do? I’m not supposed to be the one saving her life. That’s not fair, and it’s not right, but I guess it makes sense, huh? I’m dying so I can see all clear-headed and such.

  Julia’s got her head in the clouds, but you should be here, too. This is your job. You’re my sister, our sister, and it’s pretty damn cowardly that you ran away. Cowardly and selfish, because even though our family isn’t the Cleavers, we’re still family. I should be here, too, and you should help with Julia. She’s going to need so much help when I’m gone. I’m going to be gon
e. I’m not going to be hurting. I’ll be fricking happy as hell (I’m so going to heaven!), but it’ll be Jake and Julia who are going to be empty.

  I need you to help. Be there for them. Be the best friend for Jake he needs and, as much as it pains my jealous side to say, he has been missing you so much. I almost think he’d rather still be loving someone who didn’t need him rather than go without his best friend. And Julia…God…I know her idiosyncrasies can make a person mental, but man!—she’s our sister. She’s going to get a wake-up call when I die.

  Be a sister. Be my sister!

  I’m not sorry that I fell in love with Jake. I love him, and I’m never going to apologize for that, but I am so mad that you can