Plum Lovin'

  I scratched his head and gave him a hug, and he galloped back to the kitchen and the coffee cake.

  “He's been such a good boy,” Grandma said. “It makes a house feel like a home when you got a dog in it. And he didn't hardly eat anything this time. The TV Guide and a loaf of bread, but the good thing was he horked up the plastic wrap.”

  Valerie was at the little kitchen table. She had the baby on her lap and coffee in front of her.

  “Where are the girls?” I asked.

  “Playgroup,” Valerie said. “They go every day now.”

  I sliced off a chunk of coffee cake and out of habit I stood at the sink to eat.

  My mother put a plate and fork and napkin on the table. “Sit,” she said. “It's not good for your digestion to eat at the sink. You eat too fast. You don't even chew. Did you chew that piece of cake?”

  I didn't know if I'd chewed it. I couldn't even remember eating it, but my hand was empty, and I had crumbs on my shirt, so I guess that said it all.

  I pulled a chair out across from Valerie and sat down. It was too late to eat my cake in a civilized manner… unless I had a second piece. I checked out the waistband on my jeans. Snug. Shit.

  “Sorry I made Albert faint at the table,” I said to Valerie. “I thought he was sort of over the marriage phobia.”

  “It's hideous,” Valerie said. “The man is never going to marry me. I didn't mind at first. I thought he just needed time. Now I don't know what he needs.”

  “He needs his head examined,” Grandma said.

  “He had it examined,” Valerie said. “They didn't find anything.”

  We all pondered that for a moment.

  “Anyway, it's important that we get married,” Valerie said. “I'm pregnant again.”

  We were all dumbfounded.

  “Is that good news?” Grandma asked.

  “Yes. I want to have another baby with Albert,” Valerie said. “I just wish I was married.”

  Okay, that was the deal-breaker. Albert Kloughn was going down. He was going to marry my sister. I was going to make it happen.

  I scraped my chair back. “Gotta go. Things to do. People to see. Is it okay if I leave Bob here just a little longer?”

  “He's not here forever, is he?” my mother asked.

  “No! I'll be back for him. I promise.”

  I hurried out of the kitchen and drove the short distance to Jeanine's house. Her date was due to arrive any minute, and I thought it wouldn't hurt to do a last-minute courage check. I parked in front of her house, ran to the door, and rang the bell.

  The door was thrown open, and Jeanine stood there buck naked. “Ta daaaah!” she sang out.

  We locked eyes, and we both let out a shriek. I clapped my hands over my eyes, and Jeanine slammed the door shut. A minute later, the door reopened and Jeanine appeared, wrapped in a blanket.

  “I thought you were Edward,” she said.

  “How much have you had to drink?”

  “Enough. And you'll be happy to learn I watched the movie three more times and practiced moaning.” Her eyes rolled back in her head. “Ohhhh,” she moaned. “Oh yeah. Oh yeah.” She opened her eyes and looked at me. “How was that?”

  A door opened two doors down, and an elderly man looked out at us. He shook his head and muttered something about lesbians and retreated back into his house.

  “That was pretty good,” I said, “but you might want to adjust the volume.”

  “Do you think the naked greeting is too much? I figured I'd get it over and done, so we could make our six o'clock dinner reservation. I was afraid if I waited until after dinner I'd get nervous and throw up.”

  “Glad to see you've got it all figured out.”

  Jeanine took a deep breath and cracked her knuckles. “Maybe I need another drinky poo.”

  “Probably you've had enough drinky poos,” I told her. “You don't want to get horizontal until your date shows up.”

  I jogged back to the Escape, slipped behind the wheel, and punched in Charlene Klinger's number.

  “He called,” she yelled into the phone. “He wants to take me to dinner. What do I do?”

  “You go to dinner with him.”

  “It's not that simple. I don't know what to wear. And I need a babysitter. Where am I going to get a babysitter at this late notice?”

  “I'm on my way” I told her, putting the car in gear. “Ill be there in a half hour.”

  Junior opened the front door and let me in.

  “Where's your mom?” I asked.

  “Upstairs. She's going nuts because she can't find anything to wear, and she got her hair stuck in a torture device.”

  I trooped upstairs and found Charlene in the bathroom with a curling iron in her hand.

  “Stephanie Plum, full-service matchmaker, available for wardrobe consultation and babysitting,” I told Charlene.

  “Are you sure you can handle the kids?” she asked me.

  “Piece of cake.”

  Truth is, I'd rather get run over by a truck than spend an hour with Charlene's kids, but I didn't know what else to do.

  “I thought I'd wear this pants suit,” she said. “What do you think?”

  “The pants suit is good, but the shirt isn't sexy.”

  “Oh God, am I supposed to be sexy?”

  I ran to her bedroom and sifted through the pile of clothes on her bed. I found a V-necked sweater that I thought had potential and brought it into the bathroom.

  “Try this,” I told her.

  “I can't wear that. It's too low. I bought it by mistake.”

  I unbuttoned her out of the shirt and dropped the sweater over her head. I took a step back, and we both looked in the mirror.

  Charlene had a lot of cleavage. “Perfect,” I said. “Now you're a domestic goddess and a sex goddess.”

  Charlene looked down at her boobs. “I don't want to give him the wrong idea.”

  “And that would be, what?”

  “I don't know. I'm not good at this. I never have a second date. Everyone always disappears halfway through the first date. What am I supposed to do on a second date? Should I… you know?”

  “No! You don't you know until the third date. And then, only if you really like the guy. I've had years where I didn't you know at all.”

  Junior was watching. “Boy, you have a lot of skin,” he said to his mother. “And your hair looks funny.”

  Charlene's attention moved from her boobs to her hair. “I got the curling iron caught in it, and some of it got singed off.”

  I finger-combed some conditioner into Charlene's singed hair and fluffed her out with a round brush and hair dryer.

  “You must not be a Jersey native,” I said to Charlene.

  “I moved here five years ago from New Hampshire.”

  That would explain the hair.

  I pulled some lip gloss and blush out of my bag and swiped some on Charlene. The doorbell rang, and Char-lene gripped the bathroom counter for support.

  “Remember,” I said to her, “you're a goddess.”

  “Goddess,” she repeated.

  “And you don't put out until the third date.”

  “Third date.”

  “Unless he gets carried away with your cleavage and asks you to marry him… then you could accelerate the process.”

  I walked Charlene down the stairs and helped her get into a coat. I told Gary Martin to behave himself and get Charlene home before her ten o'clock curfew. And I closed the door after them and turned to face her kids.

  “I'm hungry,” Ralph said.

  The other three stared at me in sullen silence.

  “What?” I said to them.

  “We don't need a babysitter,” Russell said.

  “Fine. Pretend I'm something else. Pretend I'm a friend.”

  Russell looked me up and down.

  “How old are you?” I asked him.

  “Sixteen.”

  “I don't think so.”

  “He's twelve,??
? Ralph said. “And he got a bone in school last week and got sent home.”

  “It's boner, dipshit,” Ernie said.

  Ralph stood on tiptoes and got into Ernie's face. “Don't call me dipshit.”

  “Dipshit, dipshit, dipshit.”

  I looked at my watch. I'd been on duty for three minutes and I'd lost control. This was going to be a long night.

  “Everyone into the kitchen,” I said. “I'm going to make dinner.”

  “What are you going to make?” Ralph wanted to know.

  “Peanut butter sandwiches.”

  “I don't like peanut butter,” Ralph said.

  “Yeah, and that's not dinner. That's lunch,” Ernie said. “We need to have meat and vegetables for dinner.”

  I took my phone out and dialed Pino's Pizza. “I need three large pies with peppers, olives, onions, and pepper-oni,” I told them. “And I need it fast.” I gave them the address and turned back to the kids. “Vegetables and meat, coming up.”

  “I'm going upstairs,” Russell said.

  Ernie followed. “Me, too.”

  Junior ran off to the back of the house and disappeared.

  “You have to feed Kitty and Blackie and Fluffy and Tom and Fritz and Melvin. And you can't give Blackie any pizza because he's lactose internet.”

  “Do you mean lactose intolerant?”

  “Yeah. He gets the squirts. He squirts all over everything.”

  I went to the kitchen, and I put some cat crunchies in a bowl for Kitty and some dog crunchies in a bowl for Blackie and some rabbit pellets in a bowl for Fluffy.

  “Tom and Fritz and Melvin are the outside cats,” Ralph said. “Mom can't catch them, so she just feeds 'em.”

  I fed the outside cats and realized I hadn't seen Junior in a while.

  “Where's Junior?” I asked Ralph.

  Ralph shrugged. “Junior runs away a lot,” he said.

  I yelled for Junior, but Junior didn't show. Ralph and I went upstairs to look for Junior and found Russell and Ernie surfing porn sites.

  “They do this all day long,” Ralph said. “It's why Russell gets bones.”

  “It's boner,” Ernie said. “Bone-errrr!”

  “Doesn't your mom have parental controls on this computer?” I asked Russell.

  “They're broken,” Russell said.

  “Russell's a geek,” Ralph said. “He can break anything. He broke the television so we can watch naked people.”

  “Anyway, my mother doesn't care what I do,” Russell said. “It's not like I'm a kid.”

  “Of course you're a kid,” I said to him. “Shut that off.”

  “I don't have to,” Russell said. “You're not my mother. You can't tell me what to do.”

  I punched Diesel's number into my phone.

  “Help,” I said when he answered.

  “What's up?”

  “I'm babysitting for Charlene, and I've lost a kid, and two more are surfing porn sites, and it's going to look real bad if I have to shoot them.”

  “I'm not actually a kid person,” Diesel said.

  “I ordered pizza.”

  “Honey, you need to come up with something better than pizza as a bribe.”

  “Okay you can sleep in the bed… but you have to stay on your side.”

  “Deal.”

  Diesel and the pizza arrived at the same time. Diesel paid the delivery kid and brought the pizza inside. He dropped the three boxes on the table, opened one, and took a piece.

  “You have one kid sitting at the table,” Diesel said. “Where are the others?”

  “Two are upstairs and refuse to come down. I can't find Junior.”

  Diesel stood silent for a moment. He turned slightly and looked around the room. He ate some of his pizza and popped the top on a can of soda. “He's under the sink,” Diesel said.

  I opened the under-the-sink cabinet door and peeked in at Junior. “Do you want pizza?”

  “Can I eat it in here?”

  I gave him a piece of pizza on a paper towel and closed the door on him.

  “Can I have a piece?” Ralph asked.

  “Knock yourself out,” Diesel said. “I'm going to get your brothers.”

  Ralph and I helped ourselves to pizza, and Diesel disappeared up the stairs. There was a lot of kid yelling followed by silence. Moments later, Diesel ambled into the kitchen with Russell and Ernie. He had both of them by the backs of their shirts, and their feet weren't touching the floor.

  Diesel plunked Russell and Ernie down and selected a second piece of pizza. “Looks like I'm going to be here for a while,” he said to Russell and Ernie. “Might as well make it worthwhile. Do you guys play poker? Have you got any money?”

  Diesel, Russell, Ernie, and Ralph were still at the kitchen table when Charlene got home. I was watching television. Junior was asleep on the couch next to me.

  “How'd it go?” I asked Charlene.

  “I think this was the first time in five years no one spilled milk at dinner. It felt weird. And he kissed me good night at the door. That felt weird, too, but I liked it. He's a really nice man.”

  “Is he your true love?”

  “Too early to tell, but he has potential. He's invited me and the kids to his house for dinner tomorrow night.”

  Diesel meandered in from the kitchen. “Just in time,” he said to Charlene. “We were playing pepperoni poker, and we ran out of pepperoni.”

  Ralph was trailing behind Diesel. “He won all the pep-peronis, and then he ate them,” Ralph said.

  I raised an eyebrow at Diesel.

  “I'm good at cards,” Diesel said.

  “You were playing with kids!”

  “Yeah, but they cheat.”

  “He said if he caught us cheating again, he'd turn us into toads,” Ralph said. “He can't do that, can he?”

  “What's with this toad thing?” I said to Diesel.

  “Idle threat,” Diesel said. “Sort of.”

  I stuffed myself into my jacket and hung my bag on my shoulder. “Have fun tomorrow night,” I told Charlene. “Keep in touch.”