Plum Lovin'

  “You'll do no such thing,” Annie said. “You'll drive us to a drugstore so Bernie can get a Valentine's card and a box of candy. And then we'll all go in and make sure things run smoothly between Bernie and Betty.”

  Annie had good intentions, but I was starting to think she came from the Planet Ick!

  “I heard that,” Diesel said to me.

  “Did not.”

  “Did so.”

  “It was a thought!”

  “And?”

  “It's almost noon,” I said to Annie and Diesel. “You can drop me off at my apartment on your way to Bernie's house in Hamilton Township. I need to check on Bob and get my car. Then I have to see if Lula needs a ride to get her Firebird out of impound. And I want to see how Jeanine and Charlene and Larry Burlew are doing. And last but not least, here's my plan for Kloughn and my sister. I thought I'd tell them I was getting married, and I needed them to be witnesses. I'll tell my parents and my grandmother the same thing. Then everyone will congregate at my parents' house. We'll get a justice of the peace to show up, and at the last minute we'll swap me out for Valerie and Albert Kloughn. I'm afraid if I don't fib to them someone will leak to Kloughn, and he'll be on a plane to Buenos Aires.”

  “Brilliant,” Annie said. “I can facilitate the justice of the peace and the paperwork. I have very good connections for that sort of thing.”

  Diesel looked down at me. “Who's going to be the bogus groom?”

  “It's going to have to be you. You're all I've got today.”

  “Do I get a conjugal night?”

  “Afraid not,” I told him.

  “We'll see,” Diesel said.

  “We have a lot to accomplish,” Annie said. “We should get moving. We can take my car. We won't all fit in Diesel's Corvette.”

  I called Valerie as soon as I got back to my apartment. “I'm getting married this afternoon,” I said to her. “I want you and Albert to be my witnesses.”

  “Holy cow,” Valerie said. “This is so sudden. Who are you going to marry?”

  “Diesel.”

  Silence.

  “Hello?” I said to Valerie.

  “Are you sure you want to marry him?”

  “Yep. Can you come to the wedding?”

  “Sure,” Valerie said. “What time?”

  “Four o'clock. And I'm going to get married at home.”

  “Does Mom know?”

  “Not yet.”

  “Oh boy.”

  “Maybe we shouldn't tell her,” I said. “Maybe we should just all show up.”

  “That sounds like a better way to go,” Valerie said. “If you give her four hours, she'll hire caterers and a band and have the house filled with flowers and two hundred people.”

  “Yeah, but I can count on you and Albert to be there, right?”

  “Absolutely. Are you pregnant?”

  “Uh, maybe.”

  “This will be so amazing. We can have our babies together.”

  “I didn't say for sure.”

  “I know, and I won't tell anyone. My mouth is zippered shut.”

  “Thanks, Val.”

  Bob was in the kitchen, smiling at me.

  “Wipe that goofy expression off your face,” I said to Bob. “You're not fooling anyone. You ate my couch. There are big holes in all the cushions, and all the insides are coming out.”

  There was a piece of fiberfill stuck to Bob's lip. I picked it off and dropped it on the floor with all the other big fluffy blobs of fiberfill.

  “I hope this works,” I said to Bob. “The alternative is stun gun, and I don't think that would look great in Val's wedding album.”

  I took Bob out for a walk around the block. When he was empty, we drove to the bonds office.

  Lula and Connie were huddled together when I walked in.

  “Look at this big-ass box of chocolates I got,” Lula said, working her way around a lump of caramel. “I got it from my sweetie for Valentine's Day. This here's gonna be the best Valentine's Day ever.”

  Connie and Lula had the huge red heart sitting on Connie's desk. The top was off and the box was half empty.

  “You better get some before they're all gone,” Connie said to me. “We decided this was lunch.”

  “Which sweetie sent this?” I asked Lula.

  “The big sweetie,” Lula said. “And anyways, I only got one sweetie now. He's my great huge gigantic hunk of burning love. You don't think Ranger will actually kill him, do you?”

  “Ranger and Tank are like brothers.”

  “Yeah, but remember in The Godfather where they offed poor Fredo?”

  “Ranger's not going to off Tank.”

  I suspected Ranger would privately think the whole jail thing was pretty funny.

  “What's up today?” Lula wanted to know.

  “I'm going to check on Jeanine and Charlene and Larry Burlew. Want to ride along?”

  “Hell yeah. I could use some air after eating all this candy. I'm feeling seasick. And what's with that nasty red thing in the middle of your forehead? You keep scratching at it. And you got another one in the middle of your cheek.”

  I ran to the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I had hives! Shit. Double shit.

  First stop was the drugstore for salve. Second stop was the DMV. Charlene was behind the counter, looking all smiley-faced. She waved when she saw us, and we cut to the front of the line.

  “Excuse us,” Lula said to a bunch of grumblers. “We're here doing Cupid patrol. And you need a attitude adjustment or Cupid's gonna pass you by this year.”

  “I want to thank you again for babysitting,” Charlene said.

  “No problem. Just wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

  “Better than okay,” Charlene said. “What's on your face?”

  “See, now isn't that nice,” Lula said on the way out of the building. “Don't that make you feel all warm inside? I told you love was in the air.”

  Next stop was Larry Burlew's butcher shop.

  Burlew was waiting on a customer, so Lula and I stepped to the side. I looked across the street at the coffee shop and saw Jet waving to me. She smiled and gave me a thumbs-up. I thumbs-upped her back.

  The customer left, and I stepped forward. “How did the dinner work out?” I asked Burlew.

  “It was wonderful. The meat was perfect. And we served it with baby carrots and new potatoes. And then last night we made rack of lamb, and it was sensational.”

  “Yeah, but did you get any?” Lula wanted to know.

  “Sure,” Burlew said. “There was plenty to go around. We even had leftovers.”

  Lula cut her eyes to me. “Gonna have to get Diesel to talk to him in private.”

  “I made restaurant reservations tonight for Jet and me,” Burlew said. “It's Valentine's Day.” He looked more closely at me. “Do you have hives? You know, they're usually an allergic reaction to something. Have you had any shellfish lately?”

  “Have a wonderful night,” I said to him, trying really hard not to scratch the hive on my forehead. “Call me if you need any more help.”

  “Is he a apple dumpling, or what?” Lula said, sliding into the Escape. “That Jet is a lucky woman. Not every girl gets a man who has a way with meat like that.”

  I looked in my rearview mirror and dabbed on more salve.

  It was a workday, and Jeanine would be at the button factory and inaccessible, so I tried calling her on her cell.

  “ 'Lo,” Jeanine said.

  “It's Stephanie Plum,” I told her. “I'm just checking in to see if everything's okay. Why don't I hear any machine noises in the background?”

  “I'm home with the worst hangover in the history of the world.”

  “How'd it go last night?”

  “I think it went okay. Can't remember a lot of it, but he was still here when I woke up this morning, so that's a real good sign, right?”

  “Right!”

  “Turned out he wasn't a virgin, but he wasn't all that experienced
either, so we watched the movie together and tried a bunch of stuff, and then I think we passed out. Anyway, he sent me flowers this morning, and we're going out again tonight.”

  “Wow, that's great, Jeanine. I'm really happy for you.”

  “Yeah, I'm happy, too, but I'm going to get off the phone and throw up now.”

  “I think Bob needs to celebrate all this romance shit with a large fries,” Lula said. “He's been a real good dog just sitting back there, but he looks hungry.”

  “Bob ate a couch this morning.”

  “Well okay then I need the large fries. I need some carbs and grease to balance out all the chocolate.”

  I hit the drive-through window at Cluck-in-a-Bucket and got a monster bucket of fries and a couple sodas and a cheeseburger for Bob. I parked in the Bucket lot and tossed Bob his burger.

  Diesel pulled up beside me, got out of his 'vette, and leaned in the window. “Oh man, is that a hive on your forehead? Honey, it's huge.”

  “Do you have any?”

  “No,” Diesel said. “My immune system is exceptionally strong.”

  “He's good,” Lula said. “He found you without a phone call. He's like a white Ranger.”

  “I'm carrying a bug,” I said to Lula.

  “You mean like James Bond shit? Like when he gets stuff from one of the alphabet men. Who is it? M? Q? Z?”

  “Is there a special Unmentionable guy who makes bugs for you?” I asked Diesel.

  “No. I bought the little devil on the Internet. EBay. Got a real good price. Only used once by some guy who thought his wife was cheating. Wanted to let you know Annie has everything arranged. The justice of the peace will be at your parents' house promptly at four.”

  Lula paused with her fries. “Say what?”

  “It's a long story,” I said. “The short version is Diesel and I are pretending to get married, so we can get Kloughn to marry Valerie.”

  “Does Morelli know about this?”

  “It's pretend.”

  “I'm not even gonna ask if Ranger knows. Poor ol' Diesel here be dead if Ranger knew.”

  I looked at Diesel.

  “Maybe,” Diesel said, “but not likely. Its hard to kill me. I don't have to get dressed up for this, do I?”

  “I better be invited to this,” Lula said. “I'd be really pissed off if you got married without inviting me. And if you want to keep your job, you better invite Connie, too.”

  “It's not a real wedding,” I told her.

  “Hell, I don't care. Pretend. Real. It's a wedding. Is there gonna be cake?”

  “No cake.”

  “What kind of cheap-ass wedding hasn't got cake?”

  “She's right,” I said to Diesel. “We should have a cake.”

  “I can see I need to take charge of this,” Lula said. “Here's what we gonna do. Drop me off at the office, and I'll round up Connie, and we'll go get a cake. Then you and Diesel and Bob can go welcome the guests, 'cause it's almost four.”

  “There aren't any guests,” I said. “This is a family wedding.”

  “Whatever,” Lula said. “Let's get going.”

  “How'dit go with Bernie?” I asked Diesel on the way to my parents' house.

  “He's back with Betty. At least for a while. And he's lost his ability to give people hives. When we get Kloughn married off, all the loose ends will be tied, and you can have Annie.”

  “Probably the charges will be dropped by the time I bring Annie in. If not, I'll make sure she's immediately bonded out again, so she doesn't sit in jail.”

  “Appreciate it,” Diesel said. “She's from the Planet Ick, but she's a good person.”

  Stephanie Plum 12.5 - Plum Lovin

  Chapter 13

  “This is a surprise,” my mother said when Diesel and Bob and I walked through the door. “Are you staying for dinner?” Her eyes got wide. “What's that on your forehead?”

  “It's a hive, and we just came to visit.”

  “You don't get hives,” my mother said. “I've never known you to get hives.”

  Grandma bustled in from the kitchen. “Look at this, it's the big guy! Isn't this a treat.”

  “Thanks,” Diesel said.

  I gave him an elbow. “She's talking about Bob.”

  A car door slammed behind us, and Mary Alice galloped into the house. She was followed by Angie and Albert and Valerie with the baby. They were all dressed up.

  “Goodness,” my mother said. “What's going on?”

  “Did you tell her?” Valerie asked.

  “No. I just got here.”

  “Well, tell her!” Valerie said. “This is so exciting!”

  The doorbell rang. It was Annie and the justice of the peace.

  “Oh dear,” Annie said when she saw my forehead.

  Annie was hives from head to toe, but they were fading, and she was uniformly covered in white salve and makeup.

  My father was in the living room, watching television. He turned the sound up and hunkered down in his chair.

  I looked at Diesel. He was rocked back on his heels, smiling. “Go ahead, honey,” he said to me. “Tell them the happy news.”

  “I'm getting to it,” I said.

  “What?” Grandma wanted to know. “What?”

  “Diesel and I have decided to get married… today.”

  My mother went white and made the sign of the cross. “Holy Mary, mother of God…”

  “What about Joseph?” Grandma asked.

  I could feel panic rising in my throat. I looked to Diesel for help.

  “He's out of town,” Diesel said.

  I inadvertently made a sort of strangling sound. “Ulk.”

  “It was all I could think of,” Diesel whispered. “I'm not good at this crap.”

  My mother sucked in some air. “You're pregnant,” she said.

  “No!”

  “Isn't this fab?” Valerie gurgled. “Two new babies!”

  Now my father was on his feet. “Babies? Who's having babies?”

  “Stephanie,” Valerie said. “She's going to have a baby, and she's getting married.”