Music in the Night

  "What's going on?" I wondered aloud.

  "Your grandmother would like to see you, Miss Laura," Raymond said.

  "See me?"

  "She asked me to bring you up to the house right after school."

  I looked at Cary, whose gaze dropped to his feet. "I'll see about May," he said and started off. "Something wrong?" Robert asked me.

  "I don't know. I'll call you tonight," I promised and got into the luxurious automobile. I hadn't ridden in it all that much and never before alone. I felt selfconscious about driving off in a chauffeured Rolls with other students looking after me.

  When we arrived, I went right inside and found Grandma Olivia alone in the living room, seated in her favorite chair, her thin-framed glasses on her pearl chain resting against her bosom. She had been reading the society pages in the Boston newspaper and set it aside.

  "Hello, Grandma. You wanted to see me?"

  "You can sit over there, Laura," she said, nodding at the sofa across from her. I sat and waited as she pulled her shoulders up.

  "Is this about my visiting Aunt Belinda?" I asked quickly.

  "No, not directly," she said, pursing her lips for a long moment. "You and I, you'll recall, had what I thought was a very important conversation. I was hoping you had listened to what I said and would behave accordingly. That you would be a source of family pride and accomplishment and continue to be a good daughter, a good granddaughter. But you have chosen, it seems, to fly in the face of all my words of wisdom and be defiant."

  "It's about Robert," I said, nodding. "I told you, Grandma, that he is a very nice young man and I--"

  "Nice young men don't invite impressionable young women to their homes when their parents are away and seduce them," she spat.

  For a moment I could swear my heart actually stopped. I know I felt faint.

  "What?"

  "Don't deny it. I can see it's true in your face and denying it only makes it worse."

  "Who--I don't understand." Did she have spies everywhere? Was every living soul in this town on her payroll?

  "There's nothing to understand. What you've done and what you seem bent on continuing to do is disgraceful. I want it put to an end tonight. I will not say a word of this to your father and your mother if you obey, but if you don't--"

  I shook my head and stood.

  "Sit down, I'm not finished with this

  conversation, Laura."

  "I won't listen. I don't want to hear another word, Grandma. You don't understand and you have no right to run my life like this."

  "Of course I do," she replied, as if I had spoken the silliest words. "I'm responsible for the health and welfare of this family."

  "Why?"

  "Why?" She laughed. "Why? I'll tell you why," she said, fixing her eyes on me and narrowing them into slits, "because the men in it are not capable of it. They've never been capable of it, and the other women haven't the stamina or the backbone.

  "Now, back to what I was saying. You are apparently seeing so much of this boy and being so openly intimate with him, you have people talking. Some of my closest friends have come to me and--"

  "You have people spying on me, Grandma? Am I being followed?"

  "Of course not, but they have eyes. They have ears and they know how important the family reputation is to me," she said.

  "They're just gossips who have nothing else to do with their lives," I cried. "I'm no princess, Grandma, and you're not a queen. We're not royalty because we can trace our family lineage back to the first settlers here. We're just like everyone else. We put our shoes on one at a time," I said, the tears streaming so freely down my cheeks, they dripped off my chin.

  "Have you no self-respect?" she hissed. "Don't you care at all about what you do to my family name?"

  "Your family name?"

  "Our family name. I explained how important that is, how reputation--"

  I straightened my shoulders to match hers.

  "I'm not doing anything I'm ashamed of, Grandma Olivia. I have a personal life and I'm old enough to make my own decisions about it."

  "That's idiotic talk. Age has nothing to do with it. There are people twice your age who are twice as foolish and some of them are in this family," she said.

  "How do you know you're always right about everything, Grandma?"

  "It's my unfortunate destiny to be right about everything," she said calmly, resting her hands on the arms of the chair, "because with that comes the awesome responsibility of looking after the family."

  "You don't have to look after me," I said.

  "Apparently, I do, even more than I first thought. I'm warning you, Laura. Don't defy me. I'll go to your father tonight and reveal what you have already done. Just think what such a revelation will do to your parents."

  I shook my head, unable to speak.

  "Now, quietly end the relationship, do well in your schoolwork, and continue to be a helpful, loving daughter. In time you will see my wisdom. After your next year, 1'11 see that you are admitted to the best of the Ivy League schools and you'll be admitted to the most prestigious sorority there. You'll meet a young man who is deserving of your name and your life will be wonderful."

  "As wonderful as yours has been, Grandma?" I threw back at her. She stiffened. "With a sister locked away in a rest home and deserted by her family, and with a son who's been disowned. No, thank you," I said.

  "Laura! Stop being impudent! You will do as I say or I will carry out my threat," she snapped back at me.

  I felt myself wilt. Mommy and Daddy would be devastated to hear about my evening with Robert. All their trust in me would be gone.

  "Now go home. Raymond's waiting for you outside. Study for your tests and put an end to this stupidity immediately. I will not have another member of my family be defiant and go astray. I didn't take action early enough with my sister and my younger son, but I am determined to do so with you," she vowed.

  It was as if she spoke from the heavens. Her words rained down on me and landed like a heavy weight upon my shoulders.

  There was no more to say to her. I turned and walked away, moving like someone in a trance. I didn't even remember the ride home. When I got into the house, I ran up the stairs and into my room before anyone could see me or ask any questions. I threw myself on my bed and started to cry. I cried until my chest ached and then I turned and sat up and wiped my tear-streaked face.

  I got up and opened the desk drawer where I kept Robert's wonderful letters. I stared at them and started to think about him when something caught my attention. I lifted the pack and studied it for a moment. The letters were out of place and they had been bound again, but sloppily. My heart sank.

  Cary, I thought, must have found them and read them and told Grandma Olivia what was inside them.

  8

  A Heart Betrayed

  .

  I had been the lead in several of our school

  plays, but I didn't think I was a good enough actor to keep Mommy and Daddy from seeing how sad I was that night. I was pale and tired-looking; ho matter how I tried to smile or how I tried to make my voice sound happy.

  Cary didn't ask me any questions about my visit to Grandma Olivia's house, and he hadn't even told Mommy that Raymond was waiting for me at the end of the school day. Mommy just assumed I had something to do after school and had walked home myself. Neither she nor Daddy heard or saw Raymond drive me up to the house in the Rolls-Royce.

  May was the one who signed the questions, wondering where I had gone after school, what I had done, and why I looked so sad. I signed back quickly, just telling her I was busy with schoolwork. Daddy didn't notice and Mommy was too preoccupied with serving dinner, proud of the new recipe for meat loaf she had found in an old Provincetown newspaper. Cary kept his head bowed, his eyes on his plate throughout most of the meal. It was Daddy's turn to read the Bible and while he did, I kept my gaze locked on Cary.

  He couldn't look at me and whenever he accidentally did, he shifted his eye
s guiltily away. He was the first to leave the table, claiming he had better get upstairs and do some studying. Daddy was happy to hear that and didn't question his quick retreat. While I helped Mommy with the dishes, she talked enough for both of us, planning things for the summer, including a trip to Boston. Finally, she noticed me standing quietly beside her and reminded me that I should go up and study, too.

  I was grateful for the escape, but once again it was hard, if not impossible, for me to focus on my schoolwork. My eyes drifted constantly from the pages of my books and papers and my attention settled on the drawer where I'd hidden Robert's letters as my thoughts wrapped themselves around images of his face and the sound of his voice.

  Just before her bedtime, May came in to spend some time with me. I took a break and did some needlepoint with her while she talked about her friends at school and asked me questions about high school life. Finally, she got tired and went to sleep. I did, too.

  Moments after I had turned off my lights and crawled under my blanket, I heard a gentle knock on my door. It was so light, I first thought it was just some pipes rattling in the walls. I listened again, heard it, and rose. When I opened the door, I found Cary standing there in his robe and slippers.

  "What?" I said quickly. "I tried, but I couldn't fall asleep without talking to you," he said.

  "I'm not surprised," I replied curtly. I stepped away from the door and returned to my bed. I sat on it, my legs folded under me.

  Cary entered and quietly closed the door. He stood there gazing down at the floor for a long moment. I turned on the lamp on my nightstand. The brightness made him squint.

  "What is it, Cary?" I finally asked.

  "I was just wondering what happened up at Grandma Olivia's," he said.

  "Somehow, Cary, I think you already know," I said and looked quickly from him to my toes. I always thought I had ugly toes. They were too big, but Robert said they were perfect. He claimed everything about me was perfect. How blind love can make someone, I vaguely thought. I'm far from perfect.

  "What do you mean, I already know?" Cary replied. He gazed at me and I stared back, undaunted.

  "Someone told her I had been at the Sea Marina at night, alone with Robert."

  "So? Anybody could have told her that, Laura. Anyone could have seen you go there. Maybe you told one of your friends at school. Maybe you bragged about it to Theresa Patterson," he added quickly. "Maybe--"

  "Maybe you told her, Cary," I said firmly.

  "I would never--"

  "Cary, for as long as we have been alive, you couldn't lie to me easily. You're not doing a good job of it now either," I said. "I don't know whether to just cry or scream my loudest at you."

  He stared.

  "I might have said something to her," he admitted. "She's . . . well, you don't know what it's like to be interrogated by her. She called me to her house a few days ago and--"

  "Why didn't you tell me, Cary?" He was silent. "Were you ashamed? Was that it? Ashamed that you betrayed me?"

  "Yes," he admitted.

  "Why? What happened?" I asked. "Cary, you might as well tell me everything and stop playing these silly games with me. You might have said something? You would know if you said something, Cary."

  "Okay, I'll tell you what happened. She started with her questions about my taking you up to see Aunt Belinda. She was very angry about that and she bawled me out for not knowing better. She wanted to know what was so important about us seeing Belinda. I told her I didn't see her; it was just you and she got. . I don't know . . . very mean-looking. She was really scary, Laura. I've never seen her like that. She told me to sit down and she stood up. She's only up to here," he said, holding his hand to about his chest, "but suddenly, she looked gigantic to me. She hovered over me and demanded to know why you went to see Belinda. What did you discuss? What did Belinda tell you? As fast as I told her I didn't know, she asked another question, firing them at me so fast, my head began to spin. I thought I was in one of those police stations you see in the movies. You know,

  interrogation rooms with the bright light in the person's face?"

  "So then you told her about my letters, didn't you, Cary?" I asked directly.

  His eyes shifted to my desk drawer and then back to me. "I don't know what you--"

  "Cary, you can't lie to me," I reminded coldly. "I know those letters were read. I had them folded and tied together a certain way. May wouldn't read them and Mommy and Daddy wouldn't read them. Who does that leave?"

  "Well, I was worried about you. I knew you kept his letters in that drawer. I came in here to talk to you one day just as you were putting them away. When you started acting weird, I knew it had something to do with Robert Royce. So I came in here and just read a few."

  "You read my personal letters," I said, shaking my head. It was one thing to suspect it and another to hear the confession from his lips.

  "I care about you. I don't care about any personal letters," he claimed. Then he paused and softened his face. "Were they true, Laura? I mean, what he says happened between you and him in his place?"

  I shook my head and looked away.

  "I should have known you would read them," I muttered. "The stuff in those letters, that was the girl stuff you went to talk to Belinda about, wasn't it?" he asked.

  "No," I said. "It was far more than that."

  "We never talked about those kinds of things, Laura. We never really talked about sex, but I always thought that you would be different from the other girls in our school, that you would never--"

  "I'm not like the other girls. I am different, Cary," I insisted, my voice cracking with emotion.

  "That's what I think, too," he said, quickly nodding. "I think it's all his fault," he said firmly, twisting my words.

  "It's not all his fault!" I cried, pounding my thighs with my small fists. The sight made Cary wince. I lowered my voice. "It's nobody's fault. I never did anything I didn't want to do. I happen to . . I happen to love Robert, Cary, and he loves me, too. Now you've gone and made things very hard for us. You had no right to do that."

  "I just did what I thought was right for you, Laura. I only wanted to protect you. I--"

  "You had no right," I insisted, furiously shaking my head at him. "What did you tell her exactly? I want to know all of it, every ugly detail."

  "I didn't tell her anything exactly. I told her how funny you had been acting and how suddenly you wanted to go see Aunt Belinda, that you said she knew about girl stuff.

  "As soon as I said that, Grandma Olivia pounced. 'Girl stuff?' she demanded. 'Laura is still seeing that boy, then? How serious has it gotten?' she demanded. I tried to make it seem like nothing. Honest, I did, but she kept at me, asking if I knew if you had ever been alone with him. She's the one who sul tested the inn, now that I think about it. Yes. That's what she said. 'Has she gone to that inn?' From the way she was asking me, I thought she knew and was just checking to see if I would be truthful. I told her you had been with Robert at his place for dinner. She asked if I knew if his parents were there. I said I didn't know, but I guess you're right: I'm not a good liar, because she asked me again in a sharper voice. I said I thought maybe his parents were gone and then she was the one who told me what you had done. It was as if she had read the letters herself, Laura. I swear," he added with his hand up as if he were about to take the witness stand in a courtroom.

  "And you didn't deny any of it? You let her believe it," I concluded.

  "She took one look at my face and said I didn't have to say another word. My eyes said it all. She's spooky. You know how she is. She's--"

  "She's a very unhappy old woman, Cary. That's what she is, and now she's succeeded in making me unhappy, too," I said. "And you helped her. Are you satisfied?"

  "No, of course not. But Laura, he shouldn't have . . ." Cary looked away. "If he loved you like you said, he would respect you more and that never would have happened."

  "I don't want to talk about it anymore, Cary. I'm afraid tha
t anything I say to you might get back to Grandma Olivia anyway," I added.

  It was as if I had slapped him hard across the face. His head actually jerked to the side and his eyes filled with such pain, I couldn't look at him.

  "I'm sorry, Laura, but I just did what I did because . . because I love you," he blurted and turned quickly to rush out of the room.

  I remained sitting there for a long, long moment, staring at the closed door and hearing Cary's words echo in my ears. How could I ever explain all this to Robert? Who could ever understand the madness of my family?

  I tried to sleep, but fretted in and out of nightmares, waking with small cries, burying my face in the pillow and then falling asleep again, only to wake before the morning and then finally fall into a fitful sleep once again. I was in such a deep sleep when morning did come, I didn't hear anyone moving about the house. It was May who finally woke me, shaking my arm.

  My eyelids fluttered and I looked at her without understanding why she was there. Then I gazed at the clock and flew out of bed. She followed me around my room, signing her questions. Was I sick? Was Cary sick? He wouldn't say a word to anyone, she claimed. I was fine, I told her. I just overslept.

  Mommy was at me the moment I appeared.

  "Aren't you feeling well, Laura? You didn't look so well last night, now that I think about it."

  "I'm fine, Mommy. Just a little tired," I said. "I'm sorry I overslept."

  "Your brother's acting strangely, too," she complained. "Just like when the two of you were May's age and younger. If one of you had a stomachache, the other did, too. Remember when you both got the chicken pox, not more than a day apart?"

  "Yes, Mommy."

  "Maybe it was something in that new recipe," she mused. "No, Mommy. If there was something wrong with the food, you and Daddy and May would be sick."

  "Yes, that's true."

  "We're just a little tired," I said. It wasn't a lie. I was sure Cary hadn't slept much better than I had.

  I drank some juice, had some toast and jam, and scooped up my things to join May and Cary, who were waiting at the door. Daddy-had already left for work. Cary's eyes were full of remorse and sorrow, but I chose not to look at him. I didn't say a word as we started out for school. May was full of curiosity and signed questions all the way. After we dropped her off, Cary turned to me.