After Many a Summer Dies the Swan

  “Have you ever noticed,” said Dr. Obispo, reflectively, “the way even the most hard-boiled people always try to make out they’re really good? Even this old buzzard—you’d think he wouldn’t care how he rated, so long as he got his fun. But no; he has to write a long screed proving what a much better man he is than Napoleon. Which, of course, he is by any reasonable standard. But you wouldn’t expect him to go out of his way to say so.”

  “Well, nobody else was likely to say so,” Jeremy put in.

  “So he had to do it himself,” Dr. Obispo concluded. “Which just proves my point. Iagos don’t exist. People will do everything Iago did; but they’ll never say they’re villains. They’ll construct a beautiful verbal world in which all their villainies are right and reasonable. I’d hoped that old carp-guts would be an exception. But he isn’t. It’s really rather a disappointment.”

  Jeremy giggled with a certain patronizing disdain. “You’d have liked him to do the Don-Juan-in-hell act. The calme héros courbé sur sa rapière. You’re more romantic than I thought.” He turned back to the notebook and, after a pause, announced that in 1823, the Fifth Earl had spent some hours with Coleridge and found his conversation deep, but singularly muddy—“characteristics,” he had added, “which are admirable in Fish Ponds, but deplorable in rational Discourse, which should be pellucid and always shallow enough for a man to wade through without risk of drowning himself in an abyss of nonsense.” Jeremy beamed with pleasure. Coleridge was not a favourite of his. “When I think of the rot people are still talking about the rubbish that old dope-addict wrote . . .”

  Dr. Obispo cut him short. “Let’s hear some more about the Earl,” he said.

  Jeremy returned to the note-book.

  In 1824 the old gentleman was lamenting the passage of the Bill which assimilated the transportation of slaves to piracy and so made the trade a capital offence. Henceforward, he would be a matter of eight or nine thousand a year the poorer. But he consoled himself by thinking of Horace living in philosophic tranquillity on his Sabine farm.

  In 1826 he was deriving his keenest pleasure from a re-persual of Theocritus and the company of a young female, called Kate, whom he had made his housekeeper. In the same year, despite the curtailment of his income, he had been unable to resist the temptation of purchasing an exquisite Assumption of the Virgin by Murillo.

  1827 had been a year of financial reverses; reverses that were connected, apparently, with the death, following an abortion, of a very young maid employed by the housekeeper as her personal attendant. The entry in the note-book was brief and obscure; but it seemed to imply that the girl’s parents had had to be paid a very substantial sum. A little later, he was unwell again and wrote a long and minute description of the successive stages of decay in the human corpse, with special reference to the eyes and lips. A short course of triturated carp restored him to a more cheerful frame of mind, and, in 1828, he made a voyage to Athens, Constantinople and Egypt.

  In 1831 he was in negotiations for the purchase of a house near Farnham.

  “That must be Selford,” Jeremy put in. “The house where these things came from.” He indicated the twenty-seven packing cases. “Where the two old ladies are living.” He continued his reading. “ ‘The house is old, dark and inconvenient, but stands in sufficiently extensive Grounds upon an Eminence above the River Wey, whose southern bank at this point rises almost perpendicularly in a Cliff of yellow sandstone, to the height of perhaps one hundred and twenty feet. The Stone is soft and easily worked, a Circumstance which accounts for the existence beneath the house of very extensive Cellars which were dug, it would seem, about a Century ago, when the Vaults were used for the storage of smuggled Spirits and other goods on their way from the coasts of Hampshire and Sussex to the Metropolis. To allay the fears of his Wife, who dreads to lose a child in their subterranean meanders, the Farmer who now owns the House has walled off the greater part of his Cellarage; but even that which remains presents the appearance of a veritable Catacomb. In Vaults such as these a man could be assured of all the Privacy required for the satisfaction of even the most eccentric Tastes.’ ” Jeremy looked up over the top of his book. “That sounds a bit sinister, don’t you think?”

  Dr. Obispo shrugged his shoulders. “Nobody can have enough privacy,” he said emphatically. “When I think of all the trouble I’ve had for want of some nice cellars like the ones you’ve been reading about . . .” He left the sentence unfinished, and a shadow crossed his face: he was thinking that he couldn’t go on giving Jo Stoyte those Nembutal capsules indefinitely, damn him!

  “Well, he buys the house,” said Jeremy, who had been reading to himself. “And he has repairs and additions made in the Gothic manner. And an apartment is fitted up in the cellars, forty-five feet underground and at the end of a long passage. And to his delight he finds that there’s a subterranean well, and another shaft that goes down to a great depth and can be used as a privy. And the place is perfectly dry and has an ample supply of air, and . . .”

  “But what does he do down there?” Dr. Obispo asked impatiently.

  “How should I know?” Jeremy answered. He ran his eyes down the page. “At the moment,” he went on, “the old boy’s making a speech to the House of Lords in favour of the Reform Bill.”

  “In favour of it?” said Obispo in surprise.

  “ ‘In the first days of the French Revolution,’ ” Jeremy read out, “ ‘I infuriated the adherents of every political Party by saying: The Bastille is fallen; long live the Bastille. Forty-three years have elapsed since the occurrence of that singularly futile Event, and the correctness of my Prognostications has been demonstrated by the rise of new Tyrannies and the restoration of old ones. It is therefore with perfect Confidence that I now say: Privilege is dead; long live Privilege. The masses of mankind are incapable of Emancipation and too inept to direct their own Destinies. Government must always be by Tyrants or Oligarchs. My opinion of the Peerage and the landed Gentry is exceedingly low; but their own opinion of themselves must be even lower than mine. They believe that the Ballot will rob them of their Power and Privileges, whereas I am sure that, by the exercise of even such little Prudence and Cunning as parsimonious Nature has endowed them with, they can with ease maintain themselves in their present pre-eminence. This being so, let the Rabble amuse itself by voting. An Election is no more than a gratuitous Punch and Judy Show, offered by the Rulers in order to distract the attention of the Ruled.’ ”

  “How he’d have enjoyed a modern Communist or Fascist election!” said Dr. Obispo. “By the way, how old was he when he made this speech?”

  “Let me see.” Jeremy paused for a moment to make the calculation, then answered: “Ninety-four.”

  “Ninety-four!” Dr. Obispo repeated. “Well, if it wasn’t those fish guts, I don’t know what it was.”

  Jeremy turned back to the note-book. “At the beginning of 1833 he sees his nephew and niece again, on the occasion of Caroline’s sixty-fifth birthday. Caroline now wears a red wig, her eldest daughter is dead of cancer, the younger is unhappy with her husband and is addicted to piety, the son, who is now a Colonel, has gambling debts which he expects his parents to pay. Altogether, as the Earl remarks, ‘a most enjoyable evening.’ ”

  “Nothing about those cellars,” Dr. Obispo complained.

  “No; but his housekeeper, Kate, has been ill and he’s giving her the carp diet.”

  Dr. Obispo showed a renewal of interest. “And what happens?” he asked.

  Jeremy shook his head. “The next entry’s about Milton,” he said.

  “Milton?” exclaimed Dr. Obispo in a tone of indignant disgust.

  “He says that Milton’s writings prove that religion depends for its existence upon the picturesque use of intemperate language.”

  “He may be right,” said Dr. Obispo irritably. “But what I want to know is what happened to that housekeeper.”

  “She’s evidently alive,” said Jeremy. “Because here’s a little
note in which he complains about the tediousness of too much female devotion.”

  “Tedious!” Dr. Obispo repeated. “That’s putting it mildly. I’ve known women who were like fly paper.”

  “She doesn’t seem to have objected to an occasional infidelity. There’s a reference here to a young mulatto girl.” He paused; then, smiling, “ ‘Delicious creature,’ ” he said. “ ‘She combines the brutish imbecility of the Hottentot with the malice and cupidity of the European.’ After which the old gentleman goes out to dinner at Farnham Castle with the Bishop of Winchester and finds his claret poor, his port execrable and his intellectual powers beneath contempt.”

  “Nothing about Kate’s health?” Dr. Obispo persisted.

  “Why should he talk about it? He takes it for granted.”

  “I’d hoped he was a man of science,” said Dr. Obispo almost plaintively.

  Jeremy laughed. “You must have very odd ideas about Fifth Earls and Eleventh Barons. Why on earth should they be men of science?” Dr. Obispo was unable to answer. There was a silence, while Jeremy started a new page. “Well, I’m damned,” he broke out. “He’s been reading James Mill’s ‘Analysis of the Human Mind.’ At ninety-five. I think that’s even more remarkable than having a rejuvenated housekeeper and a mulatto. ‘The Common Fool is merely stupid and ignorant. To be a Great Fool a man must have much learning and high abilities. To the everlasting credit of Mr. Bentham and his Lieutenants it must be said that their Folly has always been upon the grandest scale. Mr. Mill’s Analysis is a veritable Coliseum of silliness.’ And the next note is about the Marquis de Sade. By the way,” Jeremy interpolated, looking up at Dr. Obispo, “when are you going to return me my books?”

  Dr. Obispo shrugged his shoulders. “Whenever you like,” he answered. “I’m through with them.”

  Jeremy tried not to show his delight and, with a cough, returned to the note-book. “ ‘The Marquis de Sade,’ ” he read aloud, “ ‘was a man of powerful genius, unhappily deranged. In my opinion, an Author would achieve Perfection if he combined the qualities of the Marquis with those of Bishop Butler and Sterne.’ ” Jeremy paused. “The Marquis, Bishop Butler and Sterne,” he repeated slowly. “My word, you’d have a pretty remarkable book!” He went on reading. “ ‘October, 1833. To degrade oneself is pleasurable in proportion to the height of the worldly and intellectual Eminence from which one descends and to which one returns when the act of Degradation is concluded.’ That’s pretty good,” he commented, thinking of the Trojan Women and alternate Friday afternoons in Maida Vale. “Yes, that’s pretty good. Let me see, where are we? Oh, yes. ‘The Christians talk much of Pain, but nothing of what they say is to the point. For the most remarkable Characteristics of Pain are these: the Disproportion between the enormity of physical suffering and its often trifling causes; and the manner in which, by annihilating every faculty and reducing the body to helplessness, it defeats the Object for which it was apparently devised by Nature: viz.: to warn the sufferer of the approach of Danger, whether from within or without. In relation to Pain, that empty word, Infinity, comes near to having a meaning. This is not the case with Pleasure; for Pleasure is strictly finite and any attempt to extend its boundaries results in its transformation into Pain. For this reason, the infliction of Pleasure can never be so delightful to the aspiring Mind as the infliction of Pain. To give a finite quantity of Pleasure is a merely human act; the infliction of the Infinity we call Pain is truly god-like and divine.’ ”

  “The old bastard’s going mystical in his old age,” Dr. Obispo complained. “Almost reminds me of Mr. Propter.” He lit a cigarette. There was a silence.

  “Listen to this,” Jeremy suddenly cried in a tone of excitement. “ ‘March, 1834. By the criminal negligence of Kate, Priscilla has been allowed to escape from the subterranean place of confinement. Bearing as she does upon her Person the evidence that she has been for some weeks past the subject of my Investigations, she holds in her hands my Reputation and perhaps even my Liberty and Life.’ ”

  “I suppose this is what you were talking about before we started reading,” said Dr. Obispo. “The final scandal. What happened?”

  “Well, I suppose the girl must have told her story,” Jeremy answered without looking up from the page be fore him. “Otherwise how do you account for the presence of this ‘hostile Rabble’ he’s suddenly started talking about? ‘The Humanity of men and women is inversely proportional to their Numbers. A Crowd is no more human than an Avalanche or a Whirlwind. A rabble of men and women stands lower in the scale of moral and intellectual being than a herd of Swine or of Jackals.’ ”

  Dr. Obispo threw back his head and uttered a peal of his surprisingly loud, metallic laughter. “That’s exquisite!” he said. “Exquisite! You couldn’t have a better example of typically human behaviour. Homo conducting himself like sub-homo and then being sapiens in order to prove that he’s really super-homo.” He rubbed his hands together. “This is really heavenly!” he said; then added, “Let’s hear what happens now.”

  “Well, as far as I can make out,” said Jeremy, “they have to send a company of militia from Guildford to protect the house from the rabble. And a magistrate has issued a warrant for his arrest; but they’re not doing anything for the time being, on account of his age and position and the scandal of a public trial. Oh, and now they’ve sent for John and Caroline. Which makes the old gentleman wildly angry. But he’s helpless. So they arrive at Selford; ‘Caroline in her orange wig and John, at seventy-two, looking at least twenty years older than I, who was already twenty-four when my Brother, then scarcely of age, had the imprudence to marry an Attorney’s Daughter and the richly merited misfortune to beget this Attorney’s Grandson whom I have always treated with the Contempt which his low Origin and feeble Intellect deserve, but to whom the negligence of a Strumpet has now given the Power to impose his Will upon me.’ ”

  “One of those delightful family reunions,” said Dr. Obispo. “But I suppose he doesn’t give us any of the details?”

  Jeremy shook his head. “No details,” he said. “Just an outline of the negotiations. On March the seventeenth, they tell him that he can avoid prosecution if he makes over his unentailed property by deed of gift, assigns them the revenues of the entailed estates, and consents to enter a private asylum.”

  “Pretty stiff conditions!”

  “Which he refuses,” Jeremy continued, “on the morning of the eighteenth.”

  “Good for him!”

  “ ‘Private madhouses,’ ” Jeremy read out, “ ‘are private prisons in which, uncontrolled by Parliament or Judiciary, subject to no inspection by the Police and closed even to the humanitarian visitations of Philanthropists, hired Torturers and Gaolers execute the dark designs of family Vengeance and personal Spite.’ ”

  Dr. Obispo clapped his hands with delight. “There’s another beautiful human touch!” he cried. “Those humanitarian visitations of philanthropists!” he laughed aloud. “And hired torturers! It’s like a speech by one of the Foundling Fathers. Magnificent! And then one thinks of those slave ships and little Miss Priscilla. It’s almost as good as Field-Marshal Goering, denouncing un-kindness to animals. Hired torturers and gaolers,” he repeated with relish, as though the phrase were a delicious sweetmeat, slowly melting upon the palate. “What’s the next move?” he asked.

  “They tell him he’ll be tried, condemned and transported. To which he answers that he prefers transportation to a private asylum. ‘At this it was evident that my precious nephew and niece were nonplussed. They swore that my treatment in the Madhouse should be humane. I answered that I would not accept their word. John talked of his honour. I said, An Attorney’s honour, no doubt, and spoke of the manner in which a lawyer sells his convictions for a Fee. They then implored me for the good name of the Family to accept their offers. I answered that the good name of the Family was indifferent to me, but that I had no desire to undergo the Humiliations of a Public Trial or the pains and discomforts of Transpo
rtation. I was ready, I said, to accept any reasonable Alternative to Trial and Transportation; but I would regard no Alternative as reasonable which did not in some sort guarantee my proper treatment at their hands. Their word of honour I did not regard as such a Guarantee; nor could I accept to be placed in an Institution where I should be entrusted to the care of Doctors and Keepers in the pay of those whose Interest it was that I should perish with all possible Celerity. I therefore refused to subscribe to any Arrangement which left me at their Mercy without placing them to a corresponding extent at mine.’ ”

  “The principles of diplomacy in a nutshell!” said Dr. Obispo. “If only Chamberlain had understood them a little better before he went to Munich! Not that it would have made much difference in the long run,” he added. “Because, after all, it doesn’t really matter what the politicians do: nationalism will always produce at least one war each generation. It has done in the past and I suppose we can rely on it to do the same in the future. But how does the old gentleman propose to put his principles into practice? He’s at their mercy all right. How’s he going to put them at his?”

  “I don’t know yet,” Jeremy answered from the depths of the recorded past. “He’s gone off on one of his philosophizing jaunts again.”

  “Now?” said Dr. Obispo in astonishment. “When he’s got a warrant out against him?”

  “ ‘There was a time,’ “ Jeremy read, “ ‘when I believed that all the Efforts of Humanity were directed towards a Point located approximately at the Centre of the female Person. Today I am inclined to think that Vanity and Avarice play a more considerable part even than Lust in shaping the course of men’s Actions and determining the nature of their Thoughts.’ And so on. Where the devil does he get back to the point again? Perhaps he never does; it would be just like him. No, here’s something. ‘March 20th. Today, Robert Parsons, my Factor, returned from London bringing with him in the Coach, three strong boxes containing Gold coin and Bank Notes to the value of two hundred and eighteen thousand pounds, the product of the sale of my Securities and such Jewels, Plate and works of Art as it was possible to dispose of at such short notice and for cash. With more time I could have realized at least three hundred and fifty thousand pounds. This loss I can bear philosophically; for the sum I have in hand is amply sufficient for my purposes.’ ”