Wide Awake

  "Mom," I squeaked and she kissed my head as she began to sob.

  "Oh, Emmie. What happened here?" She lifted her head and looked around. "What happened?"

  I looked at Mason and he gave me a sorry face. "I couldn't tell her over the phone," he said in apology.

  "What? What couldn't you tell me over the phone?" she asked in a high, aggravated voice.

  "He... Andy, he..." I tried. I couldn't. There was no way.

  I felt Mason's mouth on my ear. "I'll do it, baby. You just sit here and let me take care of it."

  He moved me to sit in the open door of his car in the passenger's seat. I vaguely heard him as he and my parents discussed what had gone down. What Andy had done. How he just jumped, throwing his life away. He didn't say, however, how his last words were that he blamed me, that I was somehow responsible for not only my own coma and amnesia, but for his guilt as well. I felt my face crumple and my chest wracked with sobs that didn't belong there.

  It wasn't my fault. It wasn't my fault that he wasn't paying attention and ran me over. It wasn't my fault that he thought I was dead and left me there. It wasn't my fault that I woke up after he assumed I would be in a coma forever. It wasn't my fault that I was a different girl who couldn't be who he wanted me to be.

  It wasn't my fault that he jumped.

  It wasn't my fault that he jumped.

  It wasn't my fault that he jumped.

  It wasn't my fault that he jumped.

  It wasn't my fault that he jumped.

  It wasn't my fault that he jumped.

  Useless Fact Number Nineteen

  Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle at twenty-five miles per year.

  My chest hurt so badly and my lungs begged for air. I felt a hand on my cheek and looked up, ready to fall into Mason's hazels, but it was Rhett. He seemed confused and that just made me hurt even more. I turned away, pressing my cheek to the cloth seat, and saw out of the corner of my eye as he moved away and Mason took his place. I wrapped my arms around his neck, pressing our chests together, and let loose.

  "What's wrong? Are you OK?" Rhett asked and tried to get in my line of sight. "Talk to me, Emma!"

  "Rhett," Isabella tried, "just hold on. Emma, baby, talk to us. Are you going to be all right? Do we need to take you to the hospital?"

  I shook my head, silently begging them to stop. I heard Mason say, "Just give her a minute, OK? She just needs a minute."

  My chest ached with something I'd never felt before, and I was so confused by it, but it wasn't going away. It started small and the more I cried, the more it grew. It was like a slow burning fire that grew to an inferno. Mason understood and he held me to him so tightly and he whispered all the things people say when something awful has happened. But more importantly, he said he was there for me, that he wasn't going anywhere, and to take my time until I knew that it wasn't my fault. He stayed right there and never moved an inch. The police came to talk to my parents, and he let his hands smooth and soothe me up and down, and didn't ask me to speak. Just like in the hospice when everyone was freaking out over my 'breakdown', Mason knew it was just what I needed. He understood that I was in my own head and I was safe there. I'd come back when I felt like I could.

  That made me fall in love with him all over again.

  And I realized that I was in love with him. His neck was my favorite place to hide and I stayed there until I felt him putting me in his car. I didn't look around; I just closed my eyes and felt him take my hand after he put the car in gear. The short ride ended and I felt him get out and lift me, carrying me close to him. My parents chattered and argued behind us. Rhett wasn't happy that Mason was "taking over" in this situation.

  Isabella convinced him to leave us alone for a while.

  When Mason sat with me in his lap, I opened my eyes to find us at my house. We were on the couch in the den and Mason's jacket was back around my shoulders. I looked up into his face and he cupped my cheek with his warm, calloused palm. "You don't have to stay," I said, but didn't mean it. "I'll just go to bed."

  "Not a chance," he replied firmly. He sighed and let his thumb brush under my eye. "I'm so sorry. No one should ever have to..."

  "My baggage just keeps getting heavier and heavier," I said pathetically.

  "Stop it," he ordered in a whisper. "I told you, I've got broad shoulders." He held my chin and looked through me. "It wasn't your fault. You can't take responsibility for someone else's choices, remember? You told me that." I bit into my lip hard. "Maybe...maybe I shouldn't have provoked him."

  I shook my head so violently that my hair came down from its pins. "It wasn't your fault. He called us and practically said he was going to jump. You turned around, even though you didn't like him, and you tried. It wasn't your fault. And it wasn't mine either," I said through gritted teeth. "I don't care if he said I called him. It wasn't my fault."

  "No, it wasn't, Em. It wasn't."

  He moved me to straddle his lap and rubbed my back as he leaned his head back with me. I curled up on his chest and in his arms like I was home, like I was safe, because I was. Before I knew it, I had cried myself to sleep and woke when I heard a scuffle in the room.

  I started to lift my head, but someone kissed my hair. "It's OK. I was just checking on you."

  Rhett.

  "Go back to sleep, baby," he said softly and pulled Mason's jacket off my shoulders only to replace it with a blanket to cover us both. I pulled it up to my chin and laid my head back down on Mason's shoulder. He hadn't moved an inch and his mouth was opened just a bit. Rhett left the room and I watched him go.

  I closed my eyes and begged for sleep to come back.

  When my eyes opened, I half expected Mason to be gone, me to be in my own bed and scarred from a horrible nightmare. Instead, it was real, I was on Mason's lap, and was scarred from a horribly real experience.

  I waited for the tears. I waited for the sobs to overtake me once more, but they didn't come. I felt guilty about that for a split second before I remembered what Mason had reminded me last night. You can't take responsibility for other people's decisions and choices.

  I took a deep breath and looked up to find Mason watching me, waiting to see if a breakdown was coming. I reached up and pulled him down to me, keeping my hand wrapped in the hair at the back of his neck. I kissed him slowly and with as much love as I could put into it. He kissed me back just as slowly, and when I pulled back, I licked my lips. "Thank you."

  He shook his head and leaned forward to kiss the corner of my mouth. "You don't have to."

  "Yeah," I sighed. "Yeah, I kinda do."

  We looked at each other and I knew there was really nothing to say. What happened yesterday was unspeakable, unthinkable, and unstoppable. Filling the space with empty words was pointless and I appreciated that Mason didn't try.

  "Go home," I told him and laughed at his face. "Go home, Mason. It's Saturday. Your mom's nurse goes home this morning and I need a shower and...you're in a tux." I laughed sadly.

  He looked down at our clothes and grimaced. "Yeah. You're sure you're OK? I know that your parents are here and that you're fine, but...are you OK?"

  I nodded slowly. "I'm OK. I'm going to take a shower, sleep through lunch, eat dinner with my parents. Normal stuff."

  He licked his bottom lip. "OK. Can I, uh...can I see you later?"

  "Of course," I scoffed and gripped his shirt front. "Maybe I can come over and we can get some dinner instead?"

  "I've got a better idea." I twisted to find Isabella...Mom standing there. "How about you come here for dinner, Mason? And bring your mother."

  I squinted and looked back at Mason. He seemed to be waiting for a confirmation from me. I shrugged. "Yes, ma'am. Thank you," he answered politely.

  "That way we can all get to know each other a little better," she explained hurriedly.

  So that's what we did. Mason went home, I slept the day away trying not to think, and that night, he brought his mom over for dinner. Rhett had a 'meeting' bu
t I was sure it was more than that. He didn't like Mason and me together, and seemed to be struggling with the fact that the daughter he once had was gone. I understood and tried not to be too hard on him. It stung though to know that I was the reason that he was gone so much.

  Mason's mom was the funniest lady. She had my mother busting a gut over an old Monty Python episode. My mom's blush was hilarious and we all had a good time. I tried to participate, but still felt raw from what happened. Everyone just let me be, which was a Godsend all its own. Mason's hand gripping mine under the table was all I needed. The next night, they came for dinner again and I felt a little bit more normal, like the wound was trying to close.

  Mason came to take me to school the next day. I kissed him when I got out. As he drove away, I turned to find a school that hated me. Everyone knew what had happened to Andy and thought me heartless. One, for coming to school only two days after what happened, and two, for kissing my boyfriend on school property. Like it was sacred ground in memory of Andy and I wasn't allowed to live my life on it.

  They didn't care that we hadn't been dating. They didn't care that Andy had been practically stalking me. They didn't care that he had been the one to run me over and leave me in the street to die. None of that mattered. All they could see red for was that he had blamed me. Apparently, one of the officers had done an interview and spilled all the gory beans about that night. He was now on probation, my mom said, but it was pointless. It was out there and there was no taking it back.

  So that week was hell. I just ignored and avoided everyone. Mason dropped me off and picked me up every day, narrowly avoiding an altercation with a guy from the football team who made a snarky comment about "Andy's amnesia whore". I was barely able to keep Mason in the car. That kid didn't realize that I probably saved his life.

  On Saturday, I woke and went down for breakfast. Mason and I were spending the day together. I really wanted to discuss what was going to happen after graduation, which was only weeks away. I didn't want to go to college, but he was adamant that I at least look at my options. So all those packets my parents had for me were going to be put to good use today.

  The kitchen was empty and I grabbed a yogurt from the fridge for breakfast while waiting for the coffee to brew. I heard the steps coming and turned to tell Isabella good morning. My brain still fought with me on that, calling her Mom half the time and Isabella the other, but it was Rhett.

  "Hey," he muttered and looked at the cup in my hand. "Yogurt, huh?"

  I looked at it, feeling guilty, and back to him. "Emma didn't like yogurt, did she?"

  He shook his head. "No."

  I felt my heart beak once more. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I'm not her. I'm sorry that you're so disappointed in me for that, and I'm sorry that your daughter is gone. I am so sorry that you lost your daughter that day."

  I set the yogurt down and grabbed my purse on the way out to Mason's. I was just so numb at this point that I didn't even cry. Once I reached Mason's, he was already climbing in his car. He looked back at me with a smile, but it drained away. "What happened?"

  "I left. He wants his daughter, not me." He got my meaning immediately and pulled me up, gripping me tightly to him.

  "Oh, Em. I'm sorry. What happened?"

  "I'm not their daughter anymore. They lost their daughter in that accident. I can't give her back to them." A sob finally came and took my breath. "I don't even know who I'm supposed to be now."

  He pulled back, wiped a tear from under my eye with his thumb, and smiled. "You're the girl that I'm falling madly in love with."

  I felt all the breath leave me. My mouth fell open, but no words escaped.

  He chuckled. "A speechless Emma. That's really cute."

  I reached up to take the beautiful lips that just said they loved me. Me. Not her, me. It wasn't long before we heard an engine pull up. Mason eased away, taking one more pull from my mouth before setting me back.

  I peeked over to find Rhett. "How did he know to find me here?" I wondered aloud.

  "Emma," Mason chuckled, "I think it's obvious."

  I looked up to his face. "Because it's obvious that I'm falling madly in love with you, too?"

  A puff of happy breath left his lips before the smile appeared. "God, I hope so."

  He pulled me up to him, even with Rhett there, and brushed my mouth with his.

  I let my hand slide slowly from his cheek before walking to Rhett slowly. "I'm sorry," he said, his face pinched.

  "You don’t have to be sorry that you miss her."

  "No. I don't have to miss her, because she's right in front of me. People change. You're a teenager. Teenagers change every day, and instead of being happy to have you back, I chose to focus on all the things that didn't matter." He worked through something in his head. His face changed several times before he spoke again. "I'm sorry that I made you doubt that you were my daughter." He held in a sob and pulled me to him. My head fit under his chin and I felt it shaking. "I'm so sorry. Please forgive me, Emma."

  I closed my eyes and felt my lips smile for the first time in days. "There's nothing to forgive."

  After he left, I sat on the trunk of Mason's car with him. He was so relaxed, but not. He seemed like he had something he wanted to say and I waited for that. He finally said softly, "You've got to go, Em."

  "Go where?"

  "College. You've got to get out of this town...away from me, and do something for yourself."

  "I don't want to leave," I muttered quietly. "I'm just now figuring out who I am. I'm not ready to start reinventing myself yet."

  He sighed and rubbed his face. "I just want to protect you."

  "From what?"

  "From my life." He shook his head. "Oh, God, help me…you're going to think I'm such a shallow idiot."

  "I wouldn't think that," I insisted quickly and turned all the way to look at him, my leg under me. "What?"

  He swallowed hard and looked at me full on. "I want to protect you from…me. I won't ever be able to buy you some fancy house."

  "Don’t want one," I shot back.

  "College? No funds for it."

  "That's what student loans are for."

  He seemed to visibly steel himself as if gearing up for a fight. "I'm dirt poor. All my money goes to helping my mom."

  I sighed. "And it's the sweetest thing I've ever seen."

  He sighed, too. "My car breaks down half the time I take it from the curb."

  "It's a small town. Biking is good for me anyway."

  "Ahh!" he yelled in frustration and laughed sadly. "I'm trying to do the right thing here. I want you to have everything you ever wanted."

  "I want you. And then I want to talk about what I might want later. Whatever happens, I'm not worried." I put my head on his shoulder and he seemed to relax a little. We sat there just like that for a while in silence.

  "What are you thinking about, Em?"

  "I just wonder what the old Emma would do."

  "It doesn't matter. The old Emma isn't gone." He shook his head. "I thought I wanted her to come back, for your sake, for your family's sake, but I'm…selfish and glad that she didn't." He took a deep breath through his nose. "Because it's not the old Emma I'm in love with, it's you."

  I turned and looked up at him. He waited and smiled a little.

  "Ask me what plans I had for my life," I said and felt the first of what I knew were many happy tears slide down my cheek. "Ask me what I wanted to be and how I was going to get there. Ask me how many kids I was going to have and what color the shutters on my red-brick house would have been." I touched his arm. It was really warm. "I'm sure I knew all of those things. But none of that matters now. Ask me what I want now and all I can picture is you-"

  He moved in swift. His hand moved to the back of my neck and he pulled me to his lips that were warm and moist.

  I sank.

  I drowned.

  I gave in.

  And I was wide awake.

  The End

&nbsp
; Epilogue

  To say the last week of school was the definition of hell was the understatement of the century. The old me didn't matter anymore, none of the facts about my accident mattered. I was the brunt of all of their misplaced anger. For some reason, Andy's passing with only a few weeks left of school, on Prom night no less, was too tragic for them to ignore. It was on the news, there were memorial posters and signs everywhere, Andy's locker was covered with letters and trinkets that people left him. And that was fine. People should remember him, but instead of focusing on what they should have been, the fact that a teenager ran someone over, left them there to die, and then committed suicide, they focused on me.

  Mason even tried to come to class with me, but I assured him no one was causing me bodily harm, they just hated my ever-loving guts. Words I could handle and did. Now, with only three days left of school, I was just ready to start a new life that had nothing to do with the kids in this town. They could leave and go to their fancy colleges, as long as I didn't have to see their judgmental faces anymore.

  Rhett — yes, I still called him Rhett — wasn't happy with my decision to take a year off and figure out what I wanted to do. He thought a year off was a year wasted, but I was just in a coma a few months before. Was it really that much of a stretch that I take a little time for myself to figure things out? Mom was very supportive and we spent every Sunday night together for a girl's night. We watched movies and ate junk. My sister, Felicia, even came home this week to spend some time with the family before my graduation. There was still a big awkwardness there, but she was trying. And I was trying to be a part of the family...because I was.

  I was Emma Walker, always have been, always will be.

  Epilogue

  -Part Two-

  Mason

  I was waiting on the curb for her. She practically sprinted from the doors like the sexy, sweet girl that she was. I grinned and opened my arms as she bounced into them. I leaned down and kissed her easily before opening the passenger door for her. "I've got a surprise for you."