Forever Black

  “What are you thinking about?” she asked.

  A smile fell upon my face as I answered, “How much I love you.” The words I was never able to say before now flowed freely from my lips as easy as loving her did. She leaned over and put a dab of icing on the tip of my nose and laughed. She wiped it off and held her finger to my mouth as I took it inside and licked it slowly. I saw the fire in her eyes like I do every time she looks at me.

  I can’t extinguish the fear that resides in my heart with her illness. I don’t want to believe that she won’t get better, but there’s a tiny part of me that is scared shitless that she won’t. I put on a brave front for her because she needs me. She needs me to be her rock and I can’t and won’t let her down.

  I lay there in bed, checking my emails while waiting for her to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks into the bedroom while brushing her teeth, frantically looking for something. “What’s wrong baby?” I asked. She mumbled something; I couldn’t understand her between the toothbrush and the foam. She held up her free hand against her ear.

  “Your phone?”

  She shook her head. I smiled as I pulled it from between the sheets. She smiled at me and gave me thumbs up as she went back into the bathroom and spit in the sink.

  “Thanks baby,” she yelled. She walked towards the bed and looked at her phone checking her messages before she pulled back the covers and climbed in. She snuggled into my chest as I put my arm around her. This was right, too right, as she softly kissed my chest and slowly drifted to sleep.

  Chapter 36

  I chewed my bottom lip as we walked through the doors of Sinai Grace Hospital. I tightened the grip on Connors hand.

  “It’s going to be ok Elle, I’m here with you,” he sympathetically said.

  “I know, I’m just a little nervous,” I pouted.

  He put his arm around me and pulled me into him giving me the only safety I’ve known. We stepped into the waiting room of Dr. Murphy’s office as the leggy blonde receptionist told us to take a seat. Not too long after, the leggy blonde called my name and took us back to a small room. She handed me gown and told me to change into it as she was eyeing my boyfriend up and down, giving him suggestive looks. He turned away so not to face her while looking down at my hands wondering if I’m going to get up and bitch slap her. She saw the look on my face and exited the room quickly.

  Dr. Murphy walked in with 3 large needles on a silver tray. “Good morning Ellery, are you ready for your first set of injections?”

  “I guess as much as I’ll ever be,” I nervously answered.

  She was flipping through my chart and then looked at me with concerning eyes.

  “Tell me how you’re feeling right now, at this moment.”

  I narrowed my eyes at her, “I’m scared and unsure, that’s how I’m feeling.”

  She took ahold of my hand, “I know you’re scared, but this will be a walk in the park compared to chemotherapy, I promise. The others who have recently received these injections have not had any side effects.”

  “That’s great Dr. Murphy, but you don’t even know if the injections are working.” She pursed her lips together as Connor walked over and put his hands on my shoulders.

  “I’m confident it’s going to work; have faith Ellery.” I managed a small smile as she asked me to lie down on the bed. She looked over to Connor.

  “She’s going to need you; I would suggest holding her hands.” I looked at Dr. Murphy alarmed.

  “Why?” I asked.

  She heavily sighed. “Ellery, I’m not going to lie to you, these injections are very painful; you are going to feel like someone lit your body on fire, but it’s only temporary and we need to keep you here under observation for a couple of hours to make sure there aren’t side effects.”

  Connor sat on the side of the bed as I turned on my side to face him. Dr. Murphy called her nurse in and held up the first needle. Connor grabbed my hands as he stared directly in my eyes. “Just look at me baby and focus on nothing but me, ok?” I shook my head as Dr. Murphy inserted the first needle. I shrieked at its sting, as tears swelled in my eyes. It didn’t take long for the fiery pain to start blazing through my body.

  “Ok Ellery, I’m going to give injection number 2,” Dr. Murphy said as she pierced my skin with the needle.

  I let out a louder cry this time for the burning intensified. I let go of Connor and clutched his shirt with both hands as he moved in closer and wrapped his arms around me. I screamed in his chest as the last needle entered my body.

  “Dr. Murphy, please, isn’t there anything you can do for her?” Connor desperately asked.

  “I’m sorry Mr. Black, we have to let it run its course and it’s only temporary. I’ll be back in an hour to see how she’s doing; if you need anything or she’s having a reaction, you are to push this button immediately.”

  He shook his head as she walked out of the room. My body felt like it was engulfed in flames and my soul was trying to escape.

  “It’s ok,” Connor kept saying as he held me and I shook in his arms. At that point I didn’t know which was worse, this or Chemotherapy.

  A couple of days had passed and we mostly stayed in. We cooked together, had lots of sex and watched movies. When Connor had to do work, I would sit in front of my easel and paint. I smiled at Connor who was sitting at the table on his laptop conducting business meetings with his employees. I was happy and it felt right. For the first time in a long time, I had hope that I would have a future and this man would be a part of it.

  The next morning, I didn’t feel like getting out of bed, so I laid there and I tried to sleep, but I could hear Connor talking to someone on the phone.

  “Yes mom, I’m coming and I’m bringing someone with me; she’s very special and I want you to meet her.”

  It was then I realized that next week was Thanksgiving. Connor came walking into the room as I opened my eyes and saw him staring at me. He smiled as he walked over and sat on the edge of the bed, “How are you feeling?” he asked as his finger ran down my jaw line.

  “I’m feeling ok. I heard you on the phone.”

  I was talking to my mother. I’m taking you home for Thanksgiving.”

  As much as I wanted to meet his family I was a hot mess of a cancer patient and I didn’t know how they would react to that.

  “Did you tell your mom about me?”

  “Of course I did, and she’s going to love you.”

  I licked the bottom of my dry lip, “I mean did you tell her I have cancer?”

  He sat there and looked at me and I could see the pain in his eyes which told me he didn’t.

  “Why didn’t you tell her Connor?”

  His eyes traveled to the window, “I haven’t had the chance and it’s not something I want to do over the phone Elle, I think that needs to be done in person.”

  “So, what you’re saying is that you want me to spring it on her on Thanksgiving. Hi Black family, I’m Ellery Lane, your son’s girlfriend who has cancer for the second time in her 24 years of life and is nothing but a walking cancer disaster.”

  He got up from the bed. “Wow Elle, you really know how to ruin a moment.”

  I felt an argument coming on, but I didn’t care, I was angry at him for not telling his mother.

  “I will tell her before Thanksgiving, end of discussion.”

  His authoritative tone burned my blood. “No Connor, it’s not the end of the discussion and don’t you dare take that tone with me.”

  He turned away from the window and looked at me, “Are you looking to start an argument?”

  “All you have to do is tell me why you didn’t tell her yet.”

  His eyes turned dark as he glared at me. I could see anger in them. “You want to know why? I haven’t been able to do anything because I’m stuck here taking care of you.”

  Did I just hear this bastard right? Did he just say he’s STUCK here taking care of me? I felt my blood pressure rise as my heart fe
lt like it had been stabbed with a knife. He realized what he said because he turned towards the window again and ran his hands through his hair.

  “Stuck, you’re not stuck here Connor, I didn’t fucking ask you to come here; I didn’t fucking ask you to take care of me.”

  He turned towards me, “Baby I didn’t mean it like that.”

  The only thoughts running through my insane mind were that he felt trapped. “Get out of here,” I screamed as I picked up a glass and threw it at him. He ducked and shook his head.

  “Fine, if that’s what you want.”

  He turned just like that and walked out as I flinched when I heard the apartment door slam shut. My phone quickly signaled a text message from Mason, “Everything ok? We just saw Connor storm out?”

  My fingers typed frantically, “I’m fine; we’ll talk tomorrow.”

  I dialed Peyton and let out a sigh of relief when she answered, “Hi Elle.”

  I couldn’t even get the words hello out first. “Connor and I got into an argument and he stormed out,” I started to cry.

  She asked what we argued about and I told her the stuck comment he made. I was appalled how quickly she proceeded to yell at me.

  “You know I love you Elle, but I’m telling you this for your own good. You need to get your head out of your ass and start thinking about someone else. I know you’re sick and I’m sorry for that, in fact, I hate that I’m not there with you, but you need to step out of your, oh pity me self, and think about what Connor is going through. You think it’s easy for him to watch the woman he’s only loved go through cancer? He needs to vent to you know, you’re not the only one who gets to scream and be pissed off at the world.”

  I couldn’t speak. I was frozen with the reality that Peyton was right.

  “Elle, are you still there?”

  I sighed, “Yes and thank you, as always you’re right.” I could feel her smile over the phone.

  “You’re welcome that’s what best friends are for. Now cut that man some slack and think about his feelings.”

  I hung up and climbed out of bed. I walked over to the shattered glass, sat on my knees and started picking up the pieces. How could I not realize Connors feelings? How could I not stop wallowing in my own pity for just a minute and see how hard this was for him? I sat there staring at the pieces of glass as he took my hand.

  “Stop, you’re going to cut yourself,” he whispered.

  I took in a deep breath and slowly turned my head so I was looking at him, “I’m sorry, I just…”

  He took my face in his hands, “I know baby and its ok.”

  “No it’s not Connor, I know this is hard for you and I’m so sorry.” His soft lips brushed against mine.

  “It’s ok, I didn’t mean what I said; it came out wrong.”

  I melted into his arms as he wrapped them around me.

  “I know you didn’t, I overreacted.” He kissed the top my head. I looked up at him with pleading eyes and a pouty mouth.

  “Where did you go?”

  He smiled at my lips and lightly nipped them, “I bought you something.”

  He stood and helped me up. He walked to the dresser and handed me a brown bag. I smiled excitedly as I opened the bag and peeked inside. I looked up at him and his big smile as he took my hand and led me to the bed. I dumped the brown bag in the middle and stared at the pile of chocolate that looked up at me.

  “I figured that would make you feel better,” he said with caution.

  “You are amazing and absolutely perfect, I love you,” I said as I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him on top of me. “I know something else that will make me feel better,” I smiled as he hovered over me.

  He bit his bottom lip. “Are you sure? Are you up for it?” I lifted my head and kissed him passionately, that was the only sign he needed.

  Chapter 37

  I got out of bed the next morning and stumbled into the kitchen for some already brewed coffee. Connor was sitting on the couch with his cup and typing something into his phone.

  “Hey babe, I hope I didn’t wake you?” he said.

  “Nope not at all, what are you doing?”

  “We need to talk, come sit down.”

  My stomach got all panicky, his tone was serious. I sat down next to him and kissed him on his cheek. He smiled and put his phone down on the table.

  “I have to go back to New York today for a meeting regarding the sale of a company I’ve been interested in. I want you to come back with me.”

  I stared at him and twisted my face, “Can I?”

  “Why not, you don’t get your next set of injections till next month. We’ll go back today, stay through Thanksgiving and come back before your next treatment.”

  A smile grew across my face, “I’ll get to see Peyton, she’ll be so excited and my apartment.”

  Connor frowned, “You’re not staying in that box you call an apartment; you’re living with me.”

  I gave him a pouty look, “Do I have to stay in the guest bedroom?”

  He laughed as he touched my cheek, “There is no way you are staying in the guest bedroom; I want you in my bed.”

  We took his private jet back to New York. I ran to Denny as I saw him leaning up against the black limo. I threw my arms around him.

  “Denny, I’ve missed you, how are you?”

  He smiled and twirled me around, “Look at you Elle, you look great.”

  I saw Connor smirking as he put our bags in the trunk. “I’m sorry Mr. Black let me get those.”

  “No Denny its ok, she’s been dying to see you, she missed you.”

  Denny looked at me and gave me a hug, “I’ve missed you to, and it’s nice to see your bright smiling face here again.”

  I slid into the back of the limo and Connor followed interlacing our fingers.

  “I called Peyton and told her I was back in town and I needed her help with something for you, so she’s coming by the penthouse around 7 tonight.”

  “You didn’t tell her I was here?”

  He tightened the grip on my hand, “No, I was going to let you surprise her.”

  I rested my head on his shoulder, “I love you.”

  We arrived back at the penthouse around five. Connor took our bags to the bedroom while I went to the kitchen to get some water. I went up the stairs and headed straight to his room. I’ve only been in his room one time and that was when I brought him home from the club. The door was open and I walked in; I gasped at what I saw. Connor turned around and looked at me.

  “Oh, I forgot you haven’t been in here.”

  My eyes glanced to the right, then above the bed and then to the left side of the room. Each wall was displayed with my paintings from the art gallery.

  “You bought my paintings?”

  He held his hands up, “Please tell me you aren’t mad.”

  I looked at the painting that hung over his bed, the one of the man and woman dancing under the stars.

  “I’m not mad; I just want to know why.”

  He sighed. “Look at them Elle, they’re beautiful. It was my way of being able to be close to you when you weren’t around.”

  I walked over to him and wrapped my arms around his waist, “Thank you, it means a lot.” He let out a sigh as if he was relieved there wasn’t going to be a battle.

  I walked over to his bed and slightly chuckled remembering the night I struggled to get his clothes off.

  “What’s so funny?”

  “I was just remembering the night you were passed out on this bed and I was straddled over you taking off your clothes.”

  His sexy smile captivated me as he laid down on the bed and spread out.

  “What are you doing?” I laughed.

  “I don’t remember you doing that and I want to, so I thought you could reenact it for me.”

  I bit my lip as I pulled my shirt over my head and threw it on the floor.

  “Umm, I don’t think you did that.”

  I seductively smi
led, “No I didn’t, but I’m going to make it a little more interesting this time.” I unbuttoned my pants and took them off, throwing them on top of my shirt. I straddled him and slowly unbuttoned his shirt.

  “Fuck it, I need you now,” he said. Before I knew it I was lying on my back and he was on top of me.

  I stayed in the kitchen while Connor went to the elevator and greeted Peyton.

  “Ok Connor, what is so important that you need my help with?”

  I stepped from the kitchen. “That would be me!” I exclaimed.

  Peyton shrieked as she ran to me and we hugged jumping up and down.

  “Oh my god Elle! I’m so happy you’re here!”

  Connor smiled, “I’ll let you two catch up. I’ll be in my office if you need anything.”

  I took Peyton to the kitchen and poured us each a glass of wine. We moved ourselves to the comfort of the couch in the living room.

  “So, tell me what’s going on with you and Henry?”

  She smiled her big Peyton smile and told me they were doing great and she thought he was going to propose at Christmas. We talked for a few hours before Henry called her and asked her when she was coming home. She took my hands and held them in front of her as I noticed her eyes start to tear.

  “You are my best friend and I hate that you have to fight cancer again. I want you to know that I will always be here for you no matter what. You will beat this Ellery Lane or I will kick your ass, do you understand me?” I hugged her and smiled.

  “Yes Peyton, I will beat this because you scare me.” She let out a laugh and walked out the door.

  I walked upstairs to find Connor in bed sound asleep. I changed into my nightshirt and climbed into his king size bed. I watched his chest slowly rise and fall with each peaceful breath. I envisioned this being my future. I laid down and snuggled against him. He stirred and put his arm around me bringing me in closer to him. It was the perfect end to the perfect day.

  The week went by rather quickly as I visited the soup kitchen and the art gallery. Connor took me shopping and bought me some new clothes. I insisted on paying for them myself, but he just laughed and told me to stop being silly.