Forbid Me

“Maverick!” I screamed, opening the door. “Jesus Christ! What are you doing here? You’re like a stray cat that won’t go away.”

  Jacob’s hooded glare went from my face, down my body and back up again, leaving a trail of longing in its wake. The burning in his eyes immediately made my skin ache all over.

  And then he fucked it up by talking.

  “That’s how you answer the door?”

  “Of course not. I wouldn’t have opened the door at all if I knew it was you standing behind it.”

  “Who the fuck is Maverick, Lillian?”

  I snickered. “The only man in my life. The only man I need. He’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

  “Kid…” he warned with a certain edge to his tone. “I’m done playing games with you. Who. The. Fuck. Is. Maverick?”

  I grinned and shrugged. “Why don’t you call him and find out?”

  He looked out in the yard, his fists clenching at his sides and pushed past me, storming into my living room. “Maverick! Get your ass out here, you fucking pussy!” he called out.

  “Interesting choice of words,” I said, giving him a devious smile.

  As if on cue, Maverick heard his name and came running toward him, rubbing his body against his legs purring.

  Traitor.

  He peered down at the ground for a few seconds, smirking and shaking his head. “You, little shit, your cat’s name is Maverick. You lied to me,” he stated, looking at me.

  “I learned from the best,” I replied, slamming the door closed. “Can’t you figure out you’re not wanted?”

  Maverick meowed and ran under my legs toward his food bowl.

  User. Typical Man.

  “Once again you’re in my house uninvited! This is like bad deja vu. I’m going to call Dylan so he can arrest your sorry ass!”

  He leaned against the wall, one leg over the other with his muscular arms placed over his solid chest. Once again devouring me with his eyes.

  Bastard.

  He looked sexy as sin and that’s exactly what he was…

  My own personal hell.

  “You need to go,” I ordered, my resolve breaking more as I took him in, every sexy inch.

  He grinned, a mischievous gaze quickly replacing the heated one as if he could read my thoughts. I swallowed the saliva that had suddenly pooled in my mouth. My skin feeling flush all over and he wasn’t even touching me. He pushed off the wall and for a second I thought he was coming toward me, but instead he made his way into my kitchen. Opened the fridge and grabbed a cold beer.

  Unbelievable.

  He twisted the cap off and placed it on my counter, not even bothering to throw it away. He took a few sips from the bottle and then made this deep exaggerated groan from deep within his chest. Normally this scenario would have turned me on. He looked good in my kitchen. My house was small, but Jacob made it appear much smaller. He looked huge in my tiny space.

  “Since you made yourself at home, do you mind telling me the reason for this unpleasant surprise?”

  The intensity that radiated off his demeanor had me weak in the knees and I found it hard to breathe. He slowly licked his lips with his predatory stare as he eyed me up and down, and I knew what ran through his mind. I should have moved, I should have left, but my feet were glued to the floor. I couldn’t move them even if I wanted to. And the sad part was…

  I didn’t want to.

  I did the only thing I could. I reminded myself of what he was, of who he was, and of what he did to me. “Hmm, I guess these days you’re using me for my booze?”

  “I never used you, Lillian,” he simply stated, the words slipping past his lips effortlessly.

  “So then what, Jacob? What did you do?”

  “I loved you,” he paused to let the meaning of his words sink in. “I love you.”

  I wanted to believe him. I swear to you I did, but I couldn’t. I wouldn’t go down that road again.

  I wouldn’t survive it.

  “I hate you. I hate you so fucking much,” I argued, my eyes watering, but I blinked them away.

  “No you don’t,” he confidently coaxed, stepping toward me but this time I didn’t step away. “You’ve loved me your entire life. I’m in your skin. I’m in your blood. I’m in your heart.” Before I knew it, he stood in front of me, pulling my hair away from my face, grazing his knuckles against my cheek, and wiping away my tears. It was only then that I realized I was crying.

  “I’m a part of you, baby, and I’m not going anywhere.”

  I closed my eyes and allowed myself to lean into his embrace.

  Into his comfort.

  Into his touch.

  Into his words.

  “I promise you,” he whispered.

  His words felt like a bucket of ice cold water fell on my scorching hot skin and I immediately opened my eyes, stepping away from him. It wasn’t enough. Nothing ever was. I needed to place an equator of distance between us.

  “You’re a liar. That’s all you ever do. That’s all you’ve ever done. Actions, Jacob, actions always speak louder than words.”

  “I fucked up. Don’t you think I know that? Do I look happy to you, baby?”

  “Stop calling me that. I’m not your baby! I’m not your anything!” I yelled at him, wiping away the rest of my tears.

  “That’s where you’re wrong. You’re my everything.”

  “Get. Out,” I gritted through clenched teeth.

  “Stop fucking saying that. I’m here, Lillian. I’m right fucking here.”

  “Yes, you are, for how long, though? You’re always here when it’s convenient for you. So what? You will be here for a few weeks? For a few months? Until I’m attached to you again? Until I’m in love with you again? And then what? Hmm? Where do you even live? Because I know it’s not here. So tell me… how long until you leave me again? We’ve done this dance before, Jacob. I have it memorized. I know you know it, you taught it to me,” I viscously spewed.

  He jerked back, hurt evident all over his handsome face. It killed me seeing him hurt even if I was the one purposely inflicting it. I hated hurting him. I wasn’t that kind of person and I loathed him a little bit more because he was turning me into one.

  “Now leave.”

  And to my surprise…

  He did.

  I left.

  It took everything inside me to leave, but I did. I did it for her. Exactly the same way I had three years ago. I thought I was getting through to her, I could see it in her eyes. I was finally breaking through the thick wall she built because of me, but I wasn’t getting anywhere with her tonight. I promised her an endless amount of things and the second it came out of my mouth I knew I fucked it up.

  I sat in my car for I don’t know how long, staring aimlessly at her closed blinds.

  Waiting.

  My phone rang taking me away from my thoughts. “Yeah?” I answered without checking who it was.

  “Hey,” Alex greeted. “Bad night?”

  “You could say that.”

  “Lily?”

  “You could say that, too.” I threw my head back onto the headrest. “Am I fighting a losing battle, Half-Pint? Does she really hate me?”

  “Hate is a really strong word. Lily couldn’t hate anyone. You hurt her, Jacob. Bad.”

  “Like Lucas hurt you?”

  “Comparable.”

  “I’m fucked.”

  She laughed. “But hey… I’m married to him now. Everything is possible, Jacob.”

  “How bad, Alex?” I asked, needing to know.

  “It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past.”

  “How bad?”

  She sighed. “Which time?”

  “Jesus…” I rubbed my forehead.

  “Lily is resilient. She’s strong. She’s like her brother. It’s a Ryder trait.”

  “I did it for her. You have to believe me. I did it for her. I was such a mess back then Alex. If I had stayed, I would have destroyed us,” I muttered.

  “I’m sor
ry, Jacob, but she doesn’t see it like that. I understand because I was in a similar situation like you were. She’s not going to understand that, though. You betrayed her when all she wanted was you, ever since I can remember. You know that she would have given up everything for you. Plus you haven’t been completely honest with her. She might be more understanding if she knows everything.”

  I banged my head against the headrest, but all I wanted to do was hurt someone.

  Mostly me.

  “What do I do, Half-Pint? She doesn’t believe me. It doesn’t matter what I say, she thinks I’m lying. I swear to God I’m not lying. I love her. I love her like I’ve never loved anyone before. She’s all I want. She’s all I’ve ever wanted.”

  She sniffed. “You’re preaching to the wrong choir, Jacob. Words are just words, you have to prove it to her.”

  “How?”

  “Actions, Jacob, actions always speak louder than words.”

  At that exact moment, I saw her delicate fingers peek through the blinds. I smiled when I saw her eyes show through. Our eyes locked in the distance, setting my soul on fire.

  “Done,” I stated.

  She.

  Was.

  Mine.

  Cancer.

  Found a lump in my breast…

  Had it biopsied…

  Stage three…

  Breast cancer…

  The words. The sentences. The significance.

  They all jumbled together. It didn’t matter what way I tried to say it or understand it, the end result was still the same.

  She might die.

  Exactly like my grandmother who died when I was barely seven. I hardly remembered her, what I did remember was the sadness all around me.

  The crying.

  The prayers.

  The desperation.

  The goodbyes.

  Why is this happening?

  I sat on the beach, my guitar in my hands and for the first time it didn’t give me any comfort. The refuge I sought was nowhere in sight. I couldn’t even get my fingers to move. When they finally did, it just sounded like noise. There was no life in my lyrics like there could be no life in my mother. A full moon was out tonight, darkness surrounding me like the sadness that reflected off my soul.

  “Everyone is looking for you,” Jacob whispered, sitting close to me as he placed his ball cap on my head, except this time I didn’t feel his love.

  I didn’t feel anything.

  “My mom… my mom has…” I mumbled not being able to say it out loud.

  It all made sense now, the random night Lucas came home. Her looking so tired all the time. My dad barely speaking. The boys staying close to Lucas. All the clues were right in front of me, but I was oblivious.

  “How long have you known?” I found myself asking.

  “Long enough.”

  “She’s known for four months, my whole family has besides me.”

  “Lily, they didn’t want to upset you.”

  “Because they think I’m a kid.”

  “No, because she’s your mom.”

  “I will remember her, right? I’m fifteen. I’ve had plenty of years with her, plenty of memories with her. They won’t go away? Even if she does, right?”

  “Oh, baby,” he sympathized.

  He didn’t hold me. He didn’t dare touch me. He knew if he did I would fall apart. I would crumble right before his very eyes. Every inch of me would be gone.

  “She’s going to be okay, she’s a fighter.”

  “Promise?”

  “Kid, I don’t want to make promises I can’t keep to you, but I do promise this, I will be there every step of the way,” he sincerely stated. “Good or bad, I’m here for you.”

  I nodded, blankly staring out into the water, watching the full moon reflect off it. “Do you believe in heaven?”

  “Of course.”

  “Do you believe in hell?”

  “Kid…”

  “I never believed in hell. Why would anyone want to believe in something so evil? Something so bad?” Tears slid down my cheeks, I felt them dropping down the sides of my face. “Hell’s on earth, Jacob. It’s here with us.”

  He didn’t say anything.

  He didn’t have to.

  He knew I was right.

  “You can’t think like that. You have to stay strong. I know it’s hard. I love your mom too, she’s like a second mom to me. I don’t know what to say to make it better for you. I wish I could take away your pain, Lily. I’m so sorry this is happening.”

  “You know I screamed at Lucas? We got into a huge fight. I yelled at him. We have never fought before. I made my brother feel bad that he didn’t tell me. I told him I would never forgive him for this. He’s hurting as much as I am and I added more to what he’s already feeling. He has always been amazing to me, and I hurt him.”

  “He knows you didn’t mean it. He knows you’re upset. You hurt the ones you love, Kid.”

  I would learn soon enough how true that statement was.

  “I remember everyone coming back to our house after my grandma’s funeral. I remember all the food that everyone brought over. I remember my mom wouldn’t let me eat anymore than a few sweets because she didn’t want my stomach to get upset. I remember being really sad and going out onto our back porch and sitting on the swing. I didn’t even hear you come out, I just remember a plate of every sweet known to man placed in front of me and looking up and finding you standing there. And for the first time that day, I smiled.”

  I could feel him staring at the side of my face.

  “You remember that?”

  He grabbed my hand, looking every bit as devastated as I felt.

  “She’s going to die, Jacob, I feel it. I know it in my heart that she’s going to die,” I wept.

  “Lily—” his voice was torn.

  “I know I’m not supposed to think like that, but I can’t help it. I just know and I don’t want to know…” I sobbed, barely being able to see him through my tears. “I don’t want her to die… I don’t want her to die… I don’t want her to die… Jacob...”

  He immediately pulled me into his arms, my face tucked into the nook of his neck. I broke down. I cried so hard my body was shaking. I couldn’t control the tsunami of emotions and feelings that coursed through my body. He held me as tight as he could as if I was going to break and he was trying to hold me together.

  At that moment, I needed him to embrace me.

  “Make it go away…” I murmured loud enough for him to hear.

  “What? What can I do?” he asked, pure panic and pain in his tone as he pulled away from me, looking deep into my eyes.

  “Just make it all go away…”

  His eyebrows lowered and he sighed in defeat as he slowly and cautiously grazed my cheek with his fingertips and then with the palm of his hand.

  “I feel like I’m dying, Jacob, I feel like I’m fucking dying.”

  His face frowned and he leaned in and kissed away all my tears, each and every one of them. I tried to control my breathing, but it was no use. With his hands still on the sides of my face he whispered, “Shh…” over and over again against my skin.

  I sucked in air that wasn’t there for the taking and he never once stopped caressing my face with his hands and feathering kisses on my face. It was such an innocent gesture, but when I slowly turned my face to say something, anything, his lips were inches away from mine.

  “Shh…” he murmured once again, feeling his breath against my lips.

  Before I knew it our mouths were pressed up against each other. His lips were moist from my tears or maybe it was his but the only thing I knew to be true, was at that moment, in that hour, in that second…

  I needed him.

  I needed all of him.

  We stayed just like that for what felt like an eternity although in reality it was only a few measly seconds? Or maybe it was minutes?

  Who the hell cares?

  A sudden urge to feel more, to want m
ore…

  Had me opening my mouth.

  I’m going to hell.

  I don’t know how we got from one point to the other. One second she was strong as a fucking brick wall and the next she was bawling in my arms, telling me to make it go away. I wanted to comfort her. I needed to make her feel anything other than the despair that was consuming her. She was breaking my goddamn heart and it was my turn to find it hard to breathe. I never imagined there could be a pain like that. For whatever reason, I’ve always felt emotionally connected to Lily. I’ve always felt protective of her, attached even.

  When I pulled her into my arms, I wanted to take away her pain. I wanted to make her feel safe. Reassure her that everything was going to be okay, even though I didn’t know if it was. I didn’t care if I had to lie to her to calm the despair that she was feeling, but when I opened my mouth to say the things that I was thinking.

  I couldn’t.

  I couldn’t lie to her. I never wanted to lie to her. Not about something I had no control over. So I did the only thing I could, I held her, I kissed away her tears, I made her feel like she was loved, desperately wanting to be there for her. In whatever way I could.

  When I felt her breathing against my lips, I never imagined that they would find their way to mine. Like a goddamn magnetic pull that neither one of us could control.

  My body had turned into lead. I couldn’t move a muscle.

  Not my hands that were still on the sides of her face, not my eyes that were still closed, and especially not my lips that were still pressed against hers. I didn’t think, which was interesting since my mind felt like it was racing with nothing but memories of her. The second I felt her mouth open, I let myself get carried away. I followed the movement of her lips, but the second I felt her tongue touch mine I pulled away. I had to.

  It was instinctual.

  It was wrong.

  She was fifteen fucking years old.

  Then why did it feel…

  So. Fucking. Right.

  This is so wrong. I’m going to hell. Fuck me.

  She saw the panic and turmoil in my eyes and I immediately felt bad. This wasn’t about me, it was about her and her mom.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that,” she apologized not looking one bit remorseful.

  “Lily… I… we…” I muttered not being able to find the words to tell her that this couldn’t happen, that it shouldn’t have happened, that it was a mistake.