Flat-Out Matt

  “I can.” Matt sighed. Julie could give Celeste what he couldn't. He knew nothing about this kind of stuff. “You're probably better for her than I am.”

  “But you do really important stuff. She needs someone like you to take care of her. Your mother is…having a hard time too, I think.”

  Matt nodded. Julie was starting to understand too much about this household. Maybe that was a good thing. Maybe it would bring them all closer to the truth. And maybe it would destroy them all. “I know. She is having a horrible time. Both my parents are. Why do you think she and my father are out of the house so much? They can't stand to be here.” Damn it. He could feel his eyes welling up and hoped that Julie couldn't see. The way she could get to him like no one else could was both hated and much needed. Matt ran his hands through his hair. “Julie, I'm tired. I don't want to be Celeste's parent. I can't.”

  There. He had done it. Confessed one of the most painful truths of the aftermath. He was ashamed at how much he resented the role he had been forced to take on.

  Neither of them said anything for a few minutes.

  Although he couldn't take much more of this conversation, he did sense something: Julie had just healed a little piece of his pain. The way she could gently access parts of him that he’d pushed away for so long stunned him.

  “Gee, this lying under the tree routine is really turning out to be fun, isn't it? Aren’t you glad you're here?” As she always did, Julie knew when to pull back. It was exactly what she'd been doing with Celeste: pushing just far enough to elicit change without going too far. She was good at so much that Matt was not.

  Another deep breath and another long exhale. “It has exceeded my expectations.”

  “Okay, let’s talk about girls again.”

  “You’re interested in girls? I had no idea. I thought you were dating that Seth character.”

  “You’re a riot, Matt. Really. And for your information, Seth and I broke up.”

  “I didn't know.” Julie hadn’t mentioned this. Even to Finn.

  “I’ve moved on. Sort of. I don't know what’s going on. I have a crush.”

  Matt rolled his eyes. The stupidity around this freakish love triangle had just hit its peak. “Let me guess. My brother?”

  “How did you know?” Julie seemed surprised.

  This was both good and bad news. And quite confusing. “Let’s see? Could it be the way you go on and on about how fabulously interesting and entertaining he is? How you check your phone for mail every three minutes? Surreptitious, you’re not.”

  “Well, fine. So what? Anyway, we’re not talking about me. We’re talking about your floundering love life. Call Dana.”

  “I don't have time for a relationship.”

  “That’s ridiculous. There’s always time if you want it. Don’t you need a little romance in your life, Matty?” Julie nudged his shoulder with her hand.

  Yes, he did need a little romance in his life, but going out with her friend was not exactly what he had in mind. Matt would have to put this off as long as possible, but he could tell that she was not going to let it go. For right now, he was happy to have this perfect night with Julie.

  They stayed under the tree for a bit more, talking and joking, and then, because she was leaving for California and wouldn't be here for Christmas, they exchanged gifts. The geeky T-shirts that she gave him were perfect, and she clearly loved the Dunkin’ Donuts gift card that he gave her. When she flung her arms around him, laughing and hugging him tightly, Matt smiled.

  For a few brief moments, Matt got to hold Julie in his arms. And that gift? That would stay with him forever.

  New Year’s Eve

  Flat-Out Love Chapter 22, MPOV

  Matt Watkins I think I'm supposed to consult a doctor now; my ego has been swollen for WAY more than four hours.

  Finn is God I wear a different deodorant scent in each armpit so I can always tell which way I'm turning if I get blindfolded and kidnapped by pirates.

  Julie Seagle To be fair, if you really also meant “No pants, no service,” the sign should say that.

  Matt was half asleep at eleven-thirty on New Year’s Eve. If he could just shut off his thoughts he could zonk out and wake up to a fresh year, a year in which things might get straightened out. Unlikely, but still. At the very least, he wanted to sleep and disappear.

  Matt wasn’t one for holidays, and this New Year’s was particularly lonely. His parents were away, but it wasn't their absence that made the house feel so empty, because in some ways it was actually easier when they were gone.

  The source of his loneliness was annoyingly clear to him. He missed Julie. She’d been in California for a week now, and he missed everything about her. The e-mailing and chatting back and forth tonight as Finn while she was at dinner waiting for her father had been fun, and he was glad that she liked the necklace, but it didn’t compare to actually being around her. He was still a little surprised at himself for giving her the purple stone he’d found years ago, but it felt right for her to have it, although he wasn’t sure exactly why. It represented who he used to be before he got so shut down, maybe? He wanted her to have a piece of that, even if she didn't know it was from him? Overthinking why he gave it to her wasn’t going to do him any good, but he was relieved that it wasn’t a disaster.

  What was disastrous was that Matt had set things up so that someone else was wooing her and getting all the credit. Matt was an unbelievable jerk, he knew that. This wasn’t intentional, he would never have wanted this, but he had gone down a rabbit hole and was now having the most messed-up tea party of all. Alice had nothing on him.

  Matt took a deep breath and tried to quell the rising panic. He pulled a pillow over his head and yanked the covers up high, wanting to block out all light and sound. Trying to sort out what he felt for Julie was nearly impossible, but above everything else was the simple fact that she was his best friend. His only friend, really.

  Yes, Matt had school-based friendships—acquaintanceships, really—but he never went out with friends the way his peers did. He couldn't. He worried enough as it was when he had to stay late at school, and the idea of being gone for purely social reasons seemed wrong. Besides, he preferred limiting his friendships because bringing people into his life would invariably mean twisting truths, or hiding secrets, or protecting someone. What he’d gotten himself involved in with Julie was perhaps an extreme example of stepping outside those boundaries, but it was solid proof that it was best to keep people at arm’s length.

  With Julie, they were all breaking the rules.

  And now she was his best friend. A truth that felt awful because she obviously didn’t feel the same way. She liked him well enough, he knew that, but she had friends and a life outside of this house. Matt had not invaded her world and her heart the way she had his.

  His cell phone rang, jarring him out of his semiconscious depressed thinking. He pulled the pillow off his head and fumbled for his phone. He answered quickly without checking the Caller ID. Phone calls that came in at midnight had to be bad. Could something have happened to his parents?

  “Hello?” General sleep deprivation combined with fear to make his voice soft and scratchy.

  “What are you wearing?”

  Matt relaxed. Whoever this crank caller was certainly wasn’t reporting any kind of crisis. “Um… Who is this?” he said sleepily as he dropped his head back onto the pillow.

  “Matty, it’s me!”

  He was awake now. “Julie?”

  “Yes, Matty! Have you forgotten me already? What are you doing home? You should be out revelrying!” She was loud, her words running together but full of energy.

  He laughed softly. She was such a nut. “I was sleeping. And revelrying? I’m not familiar with that term.”

  “Yes. It’s a term because I say so. I’m creative like that. Oh my God, I’m The Terminator! Get it? Don’t you miss me and my delightful banter?”

  “I do miss you,” he said, yawning. It was cl
ear that he had become the victim of drunk dialing, and getting her off the phone quickly would probably be smart, although he liked hearing he was missed. “Sure.”

  “That’s not convincing. You’re hurting my feelings.”

  “Everybody misses you. Especially Celeste. Thanks for all the e-mails you’ve been sending her.” Focusing on how much Celeste missed Julie was the only good move he could make here without getting into uncomfortable territory. And his sister really was missing Julie, so it wasn’t a lie.

  “Aw, my buddy Celeste.” Julie made some light grunting sounds. “There. I did it!”

  “You did what?”

  “I got myself undressed!” So much for not getting into uncomfortable territory.

  “I think you got yourself drunk, that’s what I think.”

  “So what? So what if I’m drunk? I’m still funny.”

  “You are funny,” he agreed. “How is California? How’s your father?”

  “My father is fan-frickin-tastic. He’s clearly aiming for Father of the Year with the way he’s spoiling me. It’s a really good trip.”

  Even beyond the obvious and uncharacteristic alcohol consumption, Julie did not sound like herself. This level of enthusiasm was clearly forced and insincere. Matt was a bit worried about her now. “Er… Are you okay?”

  “I’m perfect. Are you okay?”

  “Yes,” he said. “Are you going to make it until midnight?” Based on her faulty speech alone, passing out might be the best idea.

  “Of course I’ll make it to midnight,” she said defensively. “I’m gonna watch fireworks shoot out over the ocean.” Matt highly doubted she had the coordination skills left to get dressed again, much less figure out how to walk to find these fireworks. “Wanna come watch with me?”

  He smiled to himself. He would love to. More than anything. “Sure. I’ll be there in a minute. Don’t start without me.”

  “I can always count on you, can’t I, Matty? You’re the best, and you’re very helpful. I love you.”

  “Now I know you’re drunk.” Under other circumstances, her words might not cut so deeply, but a drunk, meaningless delivery told him how far they were from being where he wanted. She had no idea what she was saying now.

  “Calm down, silly boy. Not like I love you-love you. I just love you. You’re so smart. Oh, you love me too, and you know it.”

  Matt couldn’t respond to this. Besides, making sure that she was safe was the only important thing. She clearly had no experience with drinking, and it was more than likely that she was going to be in terrible shape tomorrow, particularly with no one to take care of her. Where was her father? Why was she so wasted before nine o’clock California time? “Have you had any water to drink?”

  “See what I mean? That is the smartest idea ever!” He listened to some plodding footsteps and then the sound of a faucet running. He had to laugh. Based on the sound of her walk, she must be staggering like mad. She could careen to the side, ricochet off a wall, and get a concussion. Or she could just look ridiculous. It would be one or the other. “Okay, here I go. Are you ready?”

  “Go for it.”

  “Now, hold on. Don’t go anywhere.”

  Matt rolled his eyes. Julie had quite obviously stuck her entire face under the tap since he could hear every gulp and gasp and splash as she hydrated herself. If any of the water was making it to her mouth, he’d be shocked.

  “Ta-da!” she announced.

  “You also could have used a glass.”

  “You didn't say to, and you’re the one in charge. Now I have to pee. Don’t listen, because that would be gross.”

  Matt clapped a hand to his forehead. This was hardly the intimacy he'd been hoping for with Julie. “Believe me, I will not listen.”

  “You talk, and I’ll pee. Talk loud to cover up the pee sound. Tell me something interesting. You always have interesting things to babble about.”

  “I do not babble.” But Matt thanked her for the messenger bag and hinges that she'd given Celeste for Christmas. He had to give her credit because not only was Flat Finn close to being foldable enough to be totally concealed in that messenger bag, but the real gift was the time he spent with Celeste putting on the new hinges. If he knew Julie the way he thought he did, this had been her intention.

  He dwelt on this as she started going on and on about something to do with how smart he was and how funny the shirts were that she’d given him for Christmas.

  “I will admit that I sorta like all of your shirts,” Julie said.

  “Obviously when you get drunk, you lie. And talk a lot.”

  “I am not lying. They are actually a tiny bit adorable.”

  “I knew you would come around.”

  “I'm done peeing now.”

  “Thank you for letting me know.”

  He heard her stumble around again. “I look crazy. I think I should go to bed now.”

  “Probably a good idea. Happy New Year.” Matt started to pull the phone from his ear.

  “Wait, don’t hang up yet! Tuck me in.”

  What in the world was drunk Julie talking about now? “Tuck you in?”

  “Yes. Tuck me in. Come to bed with me. Oh, wait, that’s not right, is it? Can you imagine?”

  “Imagine what?”

  “If we went to bed together. That would be bananas, huh?”

  Matt sighed. Julie must be entirely out of her mind if she was mentioning the two of them in bed together. Not that he disliked that line of thinking, but…. Well, anyway, Julie was clearly a mess right now. “This conversation has officially taken an alarming turn.”

  “You’re just figuring that out now?” She was silent for a few moments. “Matty?”

  “Yes, Julie?”

  “I have to tell you something.”

  “Go ahead.”

  “I like math.”

  “I think that is wonderful.” Drunken thinking or not, he was happy to hear this. Matt had helped Julie with enough of her homework to know that, despite her near constant grumblings, she really had an aptitude for math.

  “And there’s something else.”

  “Shoot.” Maybe she had a secret physics fetish too? One could always hope.

  Julie lowered her voice to a whisper. “I’m a virgin.”

  “Oh my God, Julie, I’m hanging up now.” Why in the world was she telling him this? This felt really inappropriate. Except… Matt couldn’t deny a stupid level of relief. He assumed that she'd been with Seth, if not somebody before that, and he had hated thinking about what she'd been doing every time that she'd gone out with Seth for the night. Learning that they’d broken up had given him an embarrassingly good feeling. It’s not as though he, or “Finn” for that matter, had any right to expect her not to have a love life. He just didn’t like it.

  “I’m serious,” she continued, undeterred. “This is important. I’m a freshman in college. How can I still be a virgin, huh? Nobody else is a virgin. Nobody else in the whole world. What about you? You can’t be. I mean, you had that girlfriend and everything. And you’re old.”

  “Thank you.”

  “Well, not old. But older than I am. So you definitely can’t be a virgin, right? Tell me. You’ve had sex, right?”

  “I don’t think we should be talking about this.”

  “Come on! Don’t be such a baby. It’s a perfectly normal question.”

  Matt rolled onto his back and tucked his hand under his head. She probably wouldn’t even remember this conversation, so what the hell. “Fine. Yes, I’ve had sex.”

  “I knew it!” she yelled with a level of satisfaction that he found somehow flattering. “Have you had a lot of sex?”

  Matt laughed. “I suppose it depends how you define a lot.”

  “That means you have! Man, at the rate I’m going, I’m never going to have sex.”

  “Are you in a big rush?” The thought of Julie being careless with herself and her body didn’t sit well. Even though she hadn’t slept with Seth, what i
f she ran off and slept with someone from school just to get it over with? That wouldn’t be right. It shouldn’t be something to just hurry up and cross off a list. He knew the pressure, especially in college, not to be a virgin, but Julie should have better than some meaningless one-night stand with a random guy. Julie deserved respect, and love, and care. Tenderness. She should be with someone who would make her first time amazing. Someone who would make her feel absolutely perfect emotionally and physically. Who would take his time with her body, finding out what she liked .…

  Of course, Matt was sort of going off the rails here. Getting protective over Julie wasn’t his place. And she may be drunk right now, but Julie wouldn’t make a wrong decision when she did decide to have sex. Behind the haze of alcohol was an incredibly smart person who would find a guy who loved her with everything he had. A non-geeky guy who hadn’t developed a split personality.

  “Why wouldn’t I be? Everyone says sex is great. It is, isn’t it?”

  “I don’t know that I qualify as an expert, but, yes, it can be great. If you’re with the right person.” Matt was silent for a moment. There were a few times when he was with Ellen that had felt right—really right—but now he wondered. What he thought had been so good maybe wasn’t what it could be. Or should be. Maybe it had just been that Ellen had been his first, and the two of them had certainly taken every opportunity to rip each other’s clothes off, but… that didn’t necessarily make sex magical. It just meant that they’d been horny teenagers. He had cared about her a lot, but those feelings didn’t compare to what he was feeling these days. Or what he was fighting not to feel.

  “So you and Seth never…?” Matt couldn’t help it. He had to confirm this.

  “Ha! I knew you'd want to talk about this stuff! No, we never did. I didn’t want to. Seth was cute and nice and perfect and all that, but I didn’t want to. He just wasn’t the guy, you know? I want the guy. The everything guy. Not the dumb Prince Charming, nauseatingly-perfect-everything guy. That’s pathetic. I want the flaws-and-all, everything guy.”