Flat-Out Matt

  Matt frowned and fiddled with the controls, finally hitting the dashboard. He wanted hot air blasting onto Julie immediately. “Come on! Come on, you piece of crap!” He slammed his hand down again.

  “It’s all right. Calm down. I’m warming up,” Julie insisted.

  “No, you’re not fine.” Matt was angry again. “That was a stupid thing to do. It was reckless. Seriously, what would possess you?”

  Julie leaned back. “I don’t care. I’m glad I did it.”

  “It’s called a plunge. It’s not a stand-in-the-dangerously-cold-water-and-stare-fixedly-at-nothing event. A plunge means exactly that. You plunge in and get the hell out. Not that you should have even been doing that.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  “I’m not fooling around, Julie. That was stupid. Stupid.” Matt hit the gas, desperate to get Julie back to the house where he could take care of her properly. He would build a fire, and make her soup, and force her to drink lots of fluids. Hot tea, maybe? He was sure there was a wool blanket in the linen closet upstairs….

  “Slow down, Matt!” Julie said hoarsely. “You’re going to get a ticket.”

  “I’ll drive as fast as I want. The quicker we get you home, the quicker you can warm up.”

  “Why don’t you just take me back to Dana’s? Turn left up here.”

  “Is that where you’ve been staying?” He was really pissed off now. If her father blew her off, why would she stay at Dana’s and not with them? Had she even left Boston at all? And if she thought for two seconds that he would drop her off at an empty apartment, then she had surely frozen most of her brain cells in the Atlantic. Her lack of responsibility was appalling. “No. I am not taking you back to Dana’s. Who knows what other trouble you’ll get yourself into?”

  “Matt! I can stay wherever I want to. I’m an adult.”

  “You’re not acting like it.”

  “Why do you care where I stay?”

  “Ah, a lovers’ quarrel,” Celeste said dreamily from the back seat.

  “Shut up!” Matt and Julie yelled together.

  No one spoke for the rest of the ride home.

  Later, when Julie had taken a long, hot shower, and Celeste was in her room, Matt was starting to relax. He really snapped at Julie on the car ride home, but now that she was safe at home, curled up in front of a blazing fire on the living room floor with her head on a pillow, he felt better.

  What a morning. He still couldn’t believe that he and Celeste left the house without Flat Finn. It was quite an accomplishment, intentional or not. For Celeste, of course, but maybe for him too. He felt guilty for forgetting his sister’s flat obsession, but it was also a good thing. His neurosis about that ridiculous cardboard thing was probably as pathological as hers. Today he and Celeste were reminded that there was a world outside of Flat Finn in which other things—other people—took precedence. Matt poked at the fire, sending flames shooting up. Good. He wanted the hottest fire possible.

  He listened while Julie explained about her father canceling their trip and how she was too embarrassed to tell him. As much as Matt wanted to rip off her father’s head for what he’d done to his daughter, he contained his anger for her sake. Julie nudged him about Roger and Erin leaving him and Celeste alone, but this time he didn’t mind talking about his family or his feelings. Well, not as much as he usually minded. Maybe the heat from the fire was getting to him.

  “I’m sorry your parents left you here alone. That’s not very nice.”

  Matt jabbed the fire with an iron poker. “No, it’s not very nice, is it? And I’m sorry your dad left you alone. That’s also not very nice.”

  “Thanks.” Julie closed her eyes. Between last night’s alcohol and this morning’s chaos, she must be wiped out.

  “Tired, huh? Why don’t you sleep for a while?”

  Matt got up and pulled the curtains shut in the living room, and then he covered her with the wool blanket. Julie yawned and turned onto her side so that she was facing the fireplace. “Did you call Dana?”

  “Not yet. I will.” He didn’t want to, but Julie would be relentless about this.

  “Thanks for getting me, Matty. I’m sorry,” she mumbled.

  “Of course. It’s not a problem.” He sat down next to her, watching her breathing begin to slow as her drowsiness took over and her eyes closed.

  Even now, in front of the fire, she shivered in her sleep. Without thinking, Matt lay on his side next to her and propped himself up on one arm. For a few minutes, he just took her in. Then he scooted forward slightly, wanting to warm her with his body, wanting to be as close to her as possible, and wanting to protect her even though the danger had passed. She rolled back against him, touching her back to his chest. Slowly and gently, he ran the back of his hand over her cheek. The color had returned. She was all right.

  What had today been about for her? Was she trying to prove something to Finn? To herself? That she could… what? Do something brave? Independent? Matt shook his head. Julie didn’t have to do a Polar Plunge for him to know she was brave and independent. He leaned his head in, barely touching his forehead to her cheek as he whispered the lyrics she sent to Finn this morning.

  Said I’m fallin’, too cold in my town… Said I’m breathin’, but I don’t know how.

  Matt closed his eyes as an understanding washed over him. He was in love.

  It didn’t matter, though.

  She would never see it, and she would never want him.

  It had taken just four short months, and now he was painfully in love.

  You got the sweetest eyes to ever look my way. Come save me… Come save me.

  Matt lifted his head and looked at Julie while she slept. He pulled away, laying on his side again and resting his head in his hand. If anything had happened to her today…. Maybe he was overreacting, as Celeste had accused him. But seeing Julie out there in the strong ocean, challenging herself to battle the paralyzing cold and the unpredictable waves, had most certainly scared him. More than that, however, he was impressed with her strength. Although her father hurt her—probably more deeply than she explained to Matt—she fought to reclaim control by doing something that was likely scary for her. Her method may have been a bit extreme, and Matt was still angry and shaken up, but he still respected her for it.

  For the first time he saw that she was more alone than he thought. Not the way that he was, but still…. He could see it because he knew that lonely people hide secrets more than others.

  Celeste had Flat Finn to watch over her, and now Julie had Matt. At least for now. For however long she slept.

  Follow the wheel that makes your heart move, ride the wave be gone. Ride the wave be gone, ride the wave be gone, ride the wave be gone….

  The Sleepover

  Flat-Out Love, Chapters 25/ 26, MPOV

  Matt Watkins Of course I’d be happy to give you my opinion because it increases the odds of me being able to say, “I told you so” in the future.

  Finn is God What's that mental disorder where you believe that you're the only real person in the world? I'm asking for an imaginary friend.

  Julie Seagle says you may call it “plagiarizing from the classics,” but I call it “collaborating with the dead.” (Clearly I’m not into this mid-term project.)

  Matt finally took Julie’s friend Dana out on a date. It was the only way to get Julie to stop nagging him, and the more she nagged, the more he saw how useless it was to hold out hope that she might entertain the possibility of anything between the two of them. While he had a nice enough time on the date, it wasn’t until the end of the evening that he saw what a total jackass he really was.

  There was nothing wrong with Dana. She was just as great as Julie promised. Pretty, too. It was easy to keep a conversation going with her over dinner, and she made him laugh a few times. He drove her back to her apartment, parked under a streetlamp, and then he kissed her. Slowly. It wasn’t impulsive, but rather his attempt to redirect the constant ache that plagued
him. He had to move on. So he kept his eyes closed while he teased her lips with his, and while he touched his tongue to hers. He missed kissing someone. He missed touch and being touched. For twenty minutes he made out with Dana, kissing her, building it slowly, until they were both heated and gasping. He put one hand on the back of her neck and let his fingers move into her hair while he drowned in her and tried to forget. His other hand slid to her back where he delicately lifted the hem of her loose blouse. He traced the line of the top her skirt with one finger, just barely touching her skin and making her pull away to gasp for air. Dana put her hands on his chest, moving over his shirt, soon digging her fingers into him. It had been way too long since anyone had touched him like this. Matt rounded his hand over the curve of her hip, softly putting the palm of his hand against her, then inched up her waist, under her shirt… and up higher, until he was cupping her breast in his hand. She kissed him harder, and Matt responded, curling his fingers around the silk at the top of her bra and ducking his touch under the fabric. Then he was pushing the straps from her shoulders. His mouth moved from hers, and soon he was kissing her neck, working his way lower.

  And that’s when he murmured Julie’s name.

  It was awful.

  Dana was very kind about it, but it was an inexcusable thing to have done, even for a twenty-year-old guy who was in the worst dry spell in the history of dry spells. And this wasn’t him. He wasn’t the guy who slept around, indulging in whatever one-night fling he could. Matt didn’t do that, and he didn’t want that.

  With one hand under his chin, Dana lifted his head. “I thought so.”

  Matt froze.

  She smiled. “You’ve got it bad, don’t you?”

  Matt didn’t answer that. He didn’t have to.

  “It’s okay, Matt. I’m not upset. You talked about her all through dinner—obsessively so, if I might point out—so I’m not exactly surprised.” She paused and ruffled his hair with her hand. Damn. How could he not have been aware that every topic they’d covered had led him to mention Julie? Dana lifted an eyebrow. “She doesn’t know, does she?”

  Matt looked away.

  “It’s okay. I won’t tell her, I promise. That’s up to you.”

  He slumped back into the driver’s seat and dropped his head. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened there. I shouldn’t have—”

  “Stop worrying.” She put a hand on his shoulder. “I knew what was happening. I just thought we’d have some fun. It wasn’t a great idea. We’re both not over other people, and we were trying to forget.”

  “Didn’t work out very well for us, did it?” Matt managed to laugh softly.

  “It never does. Although there were some damn good moments there.” Dana laughed. “Julie ought to pay more attention.”

  Matt looked out the windshield at the empty street. “That’s not going to happen.”

  “Give it time. You’re too far gone for this not to work out.”

  **********

  It was nearly midnight, and Matt and Julie had been talking and listening to music since he dropped off Celeste at Rachel’s house for a sleepover. Only Julie could take his mind off of the fact that his sister was away from home for the night. For the first time. Rachel and her mother seemed nice enough, and Julie was positive that this would be a complete success, so Matt was trying to relax and not think about the possibilities. Flat Finn was folded up and hidden away in Celeste’s bag, but what if one of the other girls found him? Or what if someone made fun of Celeste for… for any myriad of things? His sister’s confidence on the drive over was helpful, though. She was ready for this step, thanks to Julie, so Matt would be ready too.

  It was a nice evening. Roger and Erin were away again for the weekend, off enjoying the mid-spring weather, so Matt and Julie had the house to themselves. Hanging out with Julie was always fun, even if it was just a night of friendship.

  Julie was wrapping up a phone call, and Matt was pretending not to know that she was pressing Dana for date details via a poorly disguised conversation about a nonexistent study group. That’s what he got for not answering Julie’s probing questions about his date, and he could only hope that Dana didn’t throw him under the bus. Julie did nearly drop the phone at one point, so he could only imagine what she’d heard.

  “Sorry,” Julie hung up. “Important stuff about my study group.”

  “Sounded like it. I’m going to get something to drink.” Matt stood up. “And how’s Dana?”

  “Oh.” Julie looked away, but he saw her blush. “Ahem. She’s fine. Sorry.”

  The house phone rang, and Matt left his room to locate the handset. Julie’s interest in his date made it hard to suppress a smile. It didn’t mean that she was on the verge of throwing herself at him in a jealous fit, but he didn’t mind if Dana revealed one or two things to Julie, nor if those things had touched even the smallest jealous nerve.

  He was in such a good mood that it didn’t occur to him to worry about getting a midnight phone call. “Hello?”

  It didn’t matter that Rachel’s mother spoke in a steady, gentle voice as she relayed that Celeste was in tears—hysterics, really—and that she needed to be picked up. The room started spinning as Matt listened to the voice on the other end of the phone explain that his sister was still on the floor of the bathroom, unable to stop crying or shaking. It also didn’t matter that the other girls were asleep and didn’t know. Nothing mattered except getting to Celeste. He flew downstairs and ran his hands over the small cubby shelves in the kitchen in search of the car keys. He could barely see straight.

  “Matt?”

  “Where the hell are my keys?” He touched his jean pockets and then scanned the countertops.

  “I think they’re hanging by the front door. Where are you going?”

  Matt rushed past her, and she followed him into the front hallway.

  He snatched the keys from the hook in the foyer and then stopped as he grabbed the door handle, turning around and facing her, furious. “I told you. God damn it, I told you, Julie!” He was screaming at her now.

  She took a step back. “What are you talking about?”

  “Rachel’s mother just called from the party. Celeste is having a meltdown.”

  “What happened?” Julie took her sweatshirt off of the coat rack and started to follow him out. “She seemed so sure of herself.”

  “No!” he said pointing at her. “You are not coming with me.” He would be happy never to see her again.

  “Matt? Please. I can help. I can talk—”

  “No! You did this, I’ll fix it.” If he could. If Celeste wasn’t too far gone. Who knows what happened at the party that sent her spiraling. Matt slammed the door behind him. He couldn’t think clearly, all he could do was react.

  He drove calmly, paying careful attention to his driving. Collecting a nearly incapacitated Celeste happened in a daze. The frighteningly loud sobbing that she was able to contain at Rachel’s house erupted in the car, and all he could do was keep her hand in his while he drove and tell her over and over again that everything would be okay. It wouldn’t be okay, but he told her that anyway.

  Somehow he was in the house, blowing past Julie, and carrying his sister to her bedroom. He tucked her under the sheets and rubbed her back. Celeste was inconsolable, unable to talk, so he just stayed with her and sat through the awful wails as his rage mounted. Listening to his sister’s agony was nearly intolerable. This was Julie’s fault. Her expectations were careless and thoughtless. She had asked for too much from Celeste, and this was the result.

  Later, when Celeste was nearly spent of tears, she rolled to face him. “I am sorry, Matthew. I am so very sorry.” Speaking was a struggle right now, he could see that. Her fragility wrecked him.

  “There’s nothing to be sorry for. You’re home now, everything is fine.” He wiped the tears on her face with his thumbs. “Take some long, deep breaths. Can you do that for me? Like this.”

  She studied his face an
d inhaled and exhaled along with him, over and over, until she could speak. She even smiled a little. “Sometimes, for instance right now, you look like him. Did you know that?”

  Matt shook his head. “No, I don’t. Don’t say that.”

  “Yes. You really do. I see it in your eyes. And in the way you tip your head to the side when you are worried. But you can stop worrying now. I feel much better.”

  “Good. I’m glad. You should go to sleep now, don’t you think?” He should ask her to tell him what happened. He knew that. But he just couldn’t. He wasn’t equipped for this conversation. Once again, he was helpless.

  “Yes, I must sleep, but first I would like to speak to Julie.”

  Matt clenched his jaw. “You can talk to her tomorrow.”

  “I would like to speak to her now. I need to.”

  “If that’s what you want.” He leaned down and kissed her forehead. “I’ll see you in the morning. I’m sorry about all of this. This was a mistake.” Matt took her hand in both of his for a moment as he struggled to find the right words to tell her that he loved her, and that he would do anything to trade places with Finn so that she could have the brother she really loved back with her. There was no way to say that, so he just kept her hand in his for a minute more. “Good night, Celeste.”

  The hallway was dimly lit, but it was still easy to see the distress on Julie’s face. Matt didn’t care. She deserved to be miserable.

  “Matt? Oh, God. I don’t know what—”

  He held up his hand. “Don’t say anything to me. She wants to talk to you.” Matt brushed past her coldly as she carried Flat Finn into Celeste’s room. He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms while he began to come undone in his own way. Never had he been this angry with anyone. How had he trusted someone else to step into Celeste’s world? Of the many mistakes he’d made, allowing Julie to push Celeste too far was the worst one of all. Matt leaned against the wall in the hallway, his expression icy and distant.