To the Stars

  “You know what I’m finding hilarious?” Collin asked as he pulled me away from the latest couple we’d been speaking with, his lips brushing my ear. “It seems like for the past hour I’ve had to convince people you love me. You’re holding yourself stiff and away from me, you seem distracted and your responses are delayed, and you’ve barely made eye contact with me. Now tell me, Harlow, why would I have to convince all these people that my wife loves me? Better yet, why would I have to try to convince myself that she still does?”

  I froze. In the years of going through all this, in the years of him having sex with someone who couldn’t bear to look at him or take part in it, Collin had never questioned my love for him. Dread filled me, making it feel like there were hands gripping and twisting my stomach. His questioning something like this would end horribly. “Collin, don’t be ridi—”

  “Do not speak.” His fingers dug into the inside of my forearm, and my mouth immediately popped open, a harsh breath blowing past my lips. “Don’t show your pain, Harlow,” he warned.

  I snapped my mouth shut and tried to control my expression, but I knew I wasn’t succeeding when his fingers pressed in harder.

  “Do not show your pain,” he gritted out—his smile never wavered.

  I clenched my jaw and somehow managed to plaster a tight-lipped smile on my face.

  Collin’s lips ghosted along my neck. “Do you love me, Harlow?” His grip loosened enough to allow me to answer.

  I loathe you with every fiber of my being. I turned my face toward his so our cheeks were touching, knowing I had to play this the right way and answer correctly. Saying something as simple as “of course I do” would set him off.

  Swallowing back my hate, I glanced over Collin’s shoulder to the man who owned me and shut my eyes—keeping Knox’s face in my mind as I said, “It hurts me that you would even ask that.” I lifted the hand that wasn’t being controlled by a pressure point to brush at Collin’s blond hair, and let my eyes finally meet his as I made a decision that would spare me now, and cost me later. “I lied to you earlier, and I’m so sorry I did; I didn’t want to ruin tonight for you,” I said with a gentle smile on my face. “I don’t feel well; the last few days have been iffy for me. I’ve been tired and nauseous. I really think when we take the test next week, this will be it for us.”

  Collin’s face fell and his fingers instantly released me before his blue eyes brightened, and a smile I rarely saw lit up his face. “Harlow,” he breathed.

  “I just didn’t want to get your hopes up since we’ve had such a hard time getting pregnant, and like I said, I didn’t want to ruin tonight. But faking loving you? Collin . . .” I let the lingering pain in my arm lace through my voice for emphasis.

  He wrapped his arms around me and pressed his lips to mine briefly before dropping his forehead onto my own. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know. God, baby, I want this for us so bad.”

  I let my lips tilt up in a smile. “Me, too.”

  “You really think this is it?”

  “I do,” I said. The lie came easily. “At least, I’m hoping it is. I just—I’m trying not to let myself get too excited yet, you know?”

  “Of course. Of course I do. God, Harlow, I love you.”

  My eyes flashed to the side and I kept my eyes on the man across the room as I said with more passion than I’d ever shown Collin, “I love you, too.”

  I tried to ignore the fact that the wrong lips were on mine when my husband kissed me. I knew what I’d just done. I also knew that if given a second chance, I would do it again.

  For the first time in our marriage, I’d used the one thing Collin wanted against him. I’d just spared myself a week of any more pressure points and beatings. I’d spared myself a night of unknown torture. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to use this again for years to come. And I knew that when it came time to take the test next week, it would be the biggest disappointment for him, and the worst Saturday since our wedding.

  There was no way to win with him. And despite the upcoming dreaded day, I didn’t let on to the fact that anything was less than perfect for us right now.

  “Maybe I’ll see if they have a bench I can sit on in the bathroom for a few minutes. I’m feeling kind of dizzy, and I don’t want to keep embarrassing you in front of all these people.”

  “Never, Harlow. You’re not embarrassing me. Do you need me to take you home?” Collin asked; worry coated his voice.

  How he could contradict his words and change from my monster to the protective, loving husband in an instant was beyond me. But I didn’t buy it. Just because I’d let him believe something didn’t mean I could forget what had been happening just minutes before. I sent him a smile and ran my fingers over his arm. “No. I know how important it is for you and your dad to be here tonight.”

  “You’re important.”

  “If it doesn’t pass soon, I’ll text you and you can come get me so we can leave. If you don’t hear from me, I’ll come find you as soon as I’m better.”

  He kissed my cheek and ran his knuckles over my flat stomach. “If it’s longer than ten minutes, I’m coming to get you anyway. They’ll understand.”

  I turned and kept my head down as I moved through the crowd so they wouldn’t see the tears welling up in my eyes. Tears that for once, at a party, had nothing to do with the pain and promises of more pain later from Collin. But tears that had everything to do with the fact that Knox had seen us kiss . . . had seen me in Collin’s arms.

  I walked into the women’s sitting room and had made it as far as the first couch before a sharp sob burst from my chest. Pressing my fist to my mouth, I tried to take deep breaths in and out while willing the tears back before they could fall.

  I straightened and swallowed roughly when the door opened behind me, and prayed it wasn’t my mother-in-law, or one of the other women I knew.

  “You didn’t tell me your last name was Doherty.”

  I spun around as Knox locked the door behind him, and shook my head. “No, no! You can’t be here, please,” I begged.

  “Is anyone in there?” he asked, and nodded toward the bathroom.

  “I don’t know, but, Knox—”

  “Low, check.”

  I turned and walked quickly into the bathroom. All the stall doors were open, and no one was in front of the sinks. Walking back to the sitting room, I shook my head and moved closer to him. “No, but you don’t understand. It’s not just because this is the women’s room. Knox, if someone sees us . . . you don’t understand—”

  “No. I’m pretty fucking sure I do,” he growled, and my head jerked back. He started closing the distance between us, and I backed into the wall. “What the hell was I seeing in there, Harlow?”

  “He’s my husband, Knox!” I hissed. “You knew I was married, what do you expect?”

  The murderous look on his face changed to something close to disgust for a brief second. “Watching another man kiss you destroyed me, but that’s not what I’m talking about, and you know it.” He pressed his hands to the wall on either side of my head, and leaned close. “Harlow, I will kill him for hurting you.”

  My mouth fell, and it was suddenly no longer a lie. I felt dizzy now. “Wh-what? I don’t . . .”

  “You think I don’t know what’s right here?” he asked as his fingers gently ran over the inside of my elbow, and then my forearm. “And here? You think I didn’t see the pain on your face?”

  “You need to leave, Knox,” I pled. “If anyone sees you with me, it will get back to him.”

  “Low, he can’t—”

  “He’s coming to look for me if I’m not back out there in ten minutes. You don’t get it.” I searched his face wildly and hoped he understood the urgency in my tone. “He can not find you with me. He can’t find out about you. Please, Knox.”

  Knox didn’t blink, and didn’t move. “Why was he hurting you?”

  “He wasn’t,” I insisted, and jumped when his voice boomed in the small space.


  “Bullshit, Harlow!”

  “Please!”

  He gently grabbed the arm Collin had been torturing all night and held it out; a growl built up in his chest before he pointed at a small, two-circled bruise. “Look!” he seethed. “It’s already bruising up here, and there’s a red mark down here. Stop lying to me.”

  “You don’t understand.”

  “You’re right. I don’t understand this. I don’t understand why you would marry a man who would hurt you at all, let alone in public, when I would never lay a finger on you. What else does he do to you?” he demanded.

  “Nothing.”

  “What else does he do to you?”

  “Nothing!” I cried again.

  “You’re going to cover for him when I’ve already seen more than enough? You would’ve rather been with some bullshit excuse for a man who hurt you, than with me? Fuck, Harlow, all I ever wanted was to love you. To take care of you. To make you my goddamn world. Why would you choose this over me? Why would you continue to choose this over me?”

  “Please leave,” I sobbed. “He’ll come after you if he finds you near me, Knox. If he suspects anything, I-I don’t know what he’ll do, but I know it won’t—” I cut off on another sob. “It won’t be good for you.”

  “You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m leaving you to deal with this by yourself.”

  “You’re not; I’m fine. I promise I’m fine, but you have to leave. If he did something to you, I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I bought myself a week from anything else with him, so please go.”

  “A week?” he asked, his face twisted in disgust. “You bought yourself a fucking week? How often does this happen?”

  I nodded and choked out more sobs. “He thinks I’m pregnant. He won’t touch me as long as he thinks that.”

  Knox’s face fell. “Are you?”

  “No!”

  Relief washed over his features for a moment, but his expression grew hard again. “What does he do to you?”

  “Please stop.”

  “Tell me, Harlow. I can’t help you if I don’t know.”

  “He’ll kill my family if you do!” I slapped a hand over my mouth to quiet the surprised cry that left me. My eyes widened along with Knox’s.

  “What?”

  I shook my head slowly back and forth.

  “What did you just say?”

  “You need to go!” I whispered harshly, and fumbled with my clutch for my phone. Fear spread through me when I saw a text from Collin before I read it.

  Collin: Stuck talking with a few people I know the mayor’s counting on for donations. How are you feeling?

  I sighed in relief and tapped out my response.

  Harlow: It’s starting to pass. I’ll be fine. Be out there soon.

  “Low!” Knox’s exasperated tone filled the room. “You’re just going to start texting someone after you drop that on me?”

  “I’m making sure he doesn’t come looking for me!”

  Knox’s large hand cradled my cheek, and when he spoke again, his voice was deep and soothing. “I’m taking you from him, Low. I’m not letting you live with him; we’ll go to the police—”

  I started shaking. “We can’t! Knox, you can’t! Do you know who his dad is?”

  “Of course I do. How do you think I knew what your last name was?”

  “His dad will somehow make sure nothing happens to Collin, but it will get back to Collin that you were the one who reported it. Please. Promise me you won’t. I’m not being dramatic when I say Collin will come after you. I can’t let anything happen to you,” I sobbed.

  “And I can’t stand back and not do anything.”

  Tears fell harder down my cheeks, and I moved my hands to curl them around the sides of Knox’s neck; my thumbs brushed his jaw. I love you flitted through my mind over and over. My entire body trembled now that I was touching him again, and it would’ve been so easy to say those words. They were on the tip of my tongue, begging to be spoken. Instead, I said, “Knox, I need you to leave. I need you to leave, and I need you to forget what you saw.”

  “How can you expect me to do that?” he asked, his voice rough with emotion.

  I shook my head. I couldn’t answer that, because I knew that I couldn’t do that. “I can’t let you get involved in this. Just please listen to me. Leave this room, forget about what you saw, and forget about me,” I repeated, my voice shaking with urgency.

  “I can’t do that,” he confessed, and for the very first time I watched as wetness gathered in Knox’s dark eyes. “We’ll run away, something . . . anything. I told you the other day; you were always supposed to be mine. I’ll do anything to keep you safe.”

  My jaw trembled and my head dropped. “We can’t. Didn’t you hear me? He’ll kill my family. If I leave, if I tell anyone . . . they’re dead.”

  “Then he deserves to be six feet in the ground or rotting the rest of his life away in a damn cell! He’s fucking sick, Harlow.”

  “You think I don’t know that? But this is what’s happening, Knox. I’m dealing with it; you need to, too.”

  “I refuse to deal with this. I refuse to deal with the fact that you have a husband who not only hurts you, but lets older men touch you in front of him.”

  My head jerked back, and it took me a few seconds to remember that he’d seen me when Ren was still there. “No. No, Collin was furious when he saw that.”

  Someone pushed against the door, and my entire body went rigid. We both held our breath as we watched the person put pressure against the door a few more times before giving up, but that didn’t ease my fear.

  “I need to go back out there.”

  “Let me take you away from all this,” he pleaded.

  “You can’t.” My voice was hoarse as I pulled out of his arms. “I’m sorry, I know you don’t understand, but you can’t. I swear to you I’m much safer staying with him than if I were to leave.”

  “Harlow,” he groaned. His shoulders sagged in defeat as he ran his hands over his head. “I can’t make you leave your husband. If you think you and your family are in danger, I won’t go to the police until you give me the okay. But I’m here. After all these years I’m still here. If it ever gets to be too much, if you ever can’t handle it anymore, if you ever need someone to get you away from him, then call me and I’ll be there.”

  I hesitated before nodding.

  Knox’s too-perceptive eyes narrowed. “What? Do you not have my number anymore?”

  I shrugged and quickly shook my head; the action contradicted my next words. “I remember it.”

  There was a brief pause before he asked, “Then what, Low? Are you changing your mind? Do you want to get out n—”

  “No!” I said quickly. “No, I just . . . I won’t be able to call you. He looks for things that I don’t even have, Knox. He searches the house and my car. He goes through my phone.”

  “What the hell?” Knox mumbled as I continued.

  “I wouldn’t put it past him to check the phone bills to see if I’m hiding something. I can’t risk contacting you.”

  Knox looked lost, like he didn’t know what to do with what he knew. His head shook absentmindedly, and he blinked slowly as he stumbled over his next words. “T-then you ne—we’ll—I’ll think of something,” he promised. “I don’t know what, but I’ll think of something. Jesus . . .” he whispered, and I knew he was still trying to wrap his head around it all.

  “It’s not worth it.” I appreciated what Knox wanted to do, but he still didn’t understand what Collin was capable of.

  “You, and knowing that you’re ali—okay will always be worth it.” He looked around the room, then nodded toward the bathroom. “I’ll hide out in there for a few minutes just in case. If anyone sees me leave, I’ll take care of it. But I don’t want to risk it for you if he’s standing out there right now.”

  “Thank you.”

  Grabbing my hand, he turned me around and cupped my cheek as he h
ad so many times before. “Please keep yourself safe,” he said through clenched teeth. Just when I thought he was about to release me, he dipped his head down and pressed his lips to mine.

  The kiss started off innocent, but built slowly until he was pressing my back against the wall and I was gripping at his clothes and pulling his body closer to mine. There were three times in the years before I met Collin that Knox kissed me. The first was a promise; the last two—just weeks before I met Collin—were frenzied and unpreventable because of the chemistry that had been surging between us for years. While this one closely resembled the last two, it was so different than any of the ones before.

  It was a claiming on both our parts. I was his and he was mine. The passion that rolled between us was something I’d only imagined sharing with someone. My head dropped back when his lips moved across my jaw and down my throat, and he moved his body between my legs. My body arched off the wall, a breathy moan escaped my lips when he moved his hand up my leg under my dress to hitch it around his hip, and I brought his head up to capture his mouth again.

  Still fully clothed. Only kissing. Yet I was getting more of a rush from this than I’d ever gotten from sex with Collin.

  “I love you,” I breathed, unable to stop the words from leaving my lips this time.

  He inhaled quickly at my confession, and his mouth curved up momentarily. “To the stars, Harlow,” he whispered against my lips. “Always to the stars.”

  We froze with our arms still wrapped around each other when someone tried the door again. Our eyes stayed locked on one another . . . our lips brushed with each ragged breath.

  “You’re mine,” he said softly.

  I smiled weakly and brushed the tips of my fingers along his jaw. “I’ve al—” I cut myself off, but my mind screamed, I’ve always belonged to you.

  His eyes pleaded with me to continue, but I couldn’t—I’d already said too much.

  Knowing I didn’t have long before I gave in to everything I wanted from this man, I slowly untangled myself from him, and he looked like he was going to be sick.