Ten Big Ones

  Lula and Connie had their noses pressed against the front window when I got out of Ranger's Cayenne.

  'Where's the Turbo? What happened to the Turbo?' Lula wanted to know. 'You didn't destroy the Turbo, did you?'

  I gave Connie the body receipt. The Turbo is fine. I swapped it out after I dropped Shoshanna at the police station. It was good for luring Shoshanna out of her house, but it didn't suit my purposes for this afternoon. I thought we'd go looking for Pancek again, and we need a back seat in case we get lucky.'

  I was standing with my back to the door, and I saw Connie's eyes go wide.

  'Be still my heart,' Lula said, looking past me, through the window to the sidewalk.

  I figured they were looking at either Johnny Depp or Ranger.

  My money was on Ranger.

  The door opened, and I glanced over my shoulder, just in case, not wanting to miss Johnny Depp. But then not entirely disappointed when it turned out to be Ranger.

  He crossed the room and stood close behind me, his hand at my back, heating the skin beneath his touch.

  'Tank said you wanted me to stop by,' he said to Connie.

  Connie took the Jamil Rodriguez file from her desktop. 'I originally gave this to Stephanie, but she's got a lot on her plate right now.'

  Ranger took the file and flipped through it. 'I know this guy. The thumb belongs to Hector Santinni. Santinni stiffed Rodriguez on a drug sale, so Rodriguez chopped Santinni's thumb off and put it in a jar of formaldehyde. Rodriguez carries the thumb everywhere.

  Thinks the thumb gives him an edge.'

  'So much for the edge,' Connie said. The police have the thumb.'

  'A lot more where that came from,' Ranger said. His hand moved to the base of my neck. Tour call, Babe,' he said to me. 'Do you want him?'

  'Is he a gang guy?'

  'No. He's an independent nut case.'

  `I'll keep him.1

  'He's probably looking for a new thumb,' Ranger said. 'So be careful. Most afternoons you can find him at the bar on the corner of Third and Laramie.'

  His fingertips trailed the length of my spine, triggering feelings

  I was determined to ignore. And he was gone.

  'Damn,' Lula said, doing thumbs up, eyes fixed on the thumbs.

  'I don't know if I want to go after a guy who's going big game hunting for a thumb. I'm real attached to mine.'

  I made chicken sounds and did wing flaps.

  'Hunh,' Lula said. 'Smart-ass. What makes you so brave all of a sudden?'

  For starters, every move I made in the Cayenne was tracked at

  RangeMan Central. And if that wasn't enough, I suspected I was being followed. Ranger and Morelli always ran neck and neck in the vote of no confidence race. The only difference being in the level of sneakiness. Ranger always won out on sneaky. When there's a code-red danger alert, Morelli rants and raves and tries to lock me away. Ranger just assigns a goon to watch over me.

  Sometimes the goons are visible. Sometimes the goons are invisible. Whatever the state of visibility, they stick to me like glue, preferring death to the hideous task of informing Ranger they've lost me.

  I turned and looked out the window in time to see Ranger pull away in the big bad truck. A shiny black SUV with tinted windows was left idling at curbside behind the Cayenne. That's what makes me so brave,' I said.

  'Hunh,' Lula said, following my eyes to the SUV. 'I knew that.'

  Lula and I left the bonds office and climbed into the Cayenne.

  'I thought we'd drive past Pancek's house first,' I said. 'See if he's returned.'

  'Are you gonna try to lose the SUV?'

  'I can't lose the SUV as long as I'm in this car. It's hooked into a

  GPS tracking system.'

  'I bet there's a way to disable it,' Lula said. This is one of

  Rangers personal cars, and I bet there's times Ranger doesn't want anyone to know where he's going.'

  I'd had the same thought, but for now I didn't want to disable the system. And I didn't want to lose my bodyguard. I had the flak vest and sweatshirt in the back seat and Ranger's loaded gun in my purse. I thought I was relatively safe until Junkman made his third hit, but I wasn't taking unnecessary chances.

  I glanced back at the SUV. 'To tell you the truth, I'm happy to have the added protection.'

  'I hear you,' Lula said.

  I drove a block down Hamilton, left-turned into the Burg, and followed the maze of streets that led to Canter. I didn't see the blue

  Honda Civic parked anywhere near Pancek's apartment. I parked two houses down, put my Kevlar vest on under the sweatshirt, got out of the car, and walked to Pancek's door. I rang the bell. No answer. I rang two more times and returned to the car.

  'No luck,' I told Lula.

  'Are we going back to Newark?'

  'Not today. Ranger told me where I can find Rodriguez. I thought I'd go after him while I have an escort.'

  'On the one hand, that sounds good,' Lula said. 'Like, we got some help if we need it. On the other hand, if we screw up we got a witness laughing his ass off.'

  Lula had a point. 'Maybe we won't screw up.'

  1 just hope it's not Tank back there. I wouldn't mind taking Tank home with me someday, and it would put a crimp in my plans to embarrass myself with a lame bust.'

  The SUV was half a block back. Too far for us to see its occupants. We were debating the embarrassment potential when my phone rang.

  'Where are you?' Sally wanted to know. 'We've been waiting for twenty minutes.'

  'Waiting?'

  'You were supposed to meet us to get your dress fitted for the wedding.'

  `Crap. I forgot.'

  'How could you forget? Your sister's getting married. It's not like this happens every day. How do you expect me to plan this wedding if you forget things?'

  `I'll be right there.'

  'We're at the Bride Shoppe next to Tasty Pastry.'

  'What'd you forget?' Lula wanted to know.

  `I was supposed to go for a fitting for my bridesmaid dress.

  They're all waiting for me. This will only take a minute. I'll run in and run out, and we can go look for Rodriguez.'

  'I love wedding dresses,' Lula said. 'I might buy one even if I never get married. I like the bridesmaid dresses, too. And you know what else I like... wedding cake.'

  Fourteen

  I put the Cayenne in gear and raced off, doubling back to

  Hamilton. I took the turn to the parking lot on two wheels and diagonal-parked the SUV next to my mothers Buick LeSabre.

  Lula and I jumped out of the car and sprinted for the Bride Shoppe. Rangers men in the SUV barreled in after us. The guy in the passenger seat had one foot on the ground when I turned and pointed at him.

  'Stay!' I said. And then Lula and I hustled through the front door.

  The Bride Shoppe is run and owned by Maria Raguzzi, a dumpling of a woman in her late fifties. Marias got short black hair and long black sideburns and fine black hair on her knuckles. She always wears a fat round pincushion on a Velcro wrist bracelet, and for as long as I've known her, she's had a yellow tape measure draped around her neck. She's been married and divorced three times, so she knows a lot about weddings.

  Loretta Stonehouser, Rita Metzger, Margaret Durski, Valerie,

  Grandma Mazur, my mother, and the 'wedding planner' were all crammed into the little showroom. Maria Raguzzi and Sally were bustling around, distributing dresses.

  Margaret Durski was the first to see me. 'Stephanie!' she shrieked. 'Omigod, it's been so long. I haven't seen you since

  Valerie's first wedding. Omigod, I see you in the paper all the time.

  You're always burning something down to the ground.'

  Rita Metzger was right behind her. 'Stephaneeeee!' she said. 'Is this so awesome? Here we are all together. Is this cool, or what?

  And have you seen the dresses? The dresses are to die for.

  Pumpkin. I love pumpkin.'

  My mother star
ed at me. 'Are you still gaining weight? You look so big.'

  I unzipped the sweatshirt. 'It's the vest. It's bulky. I was in a hurry and forgot to take it off.'

  Everyone gaped.

  'What is that thing you're wearing?' Rita wanted to know. 'It like squashes your boobs. It's very unflattering.'

  'It's a bullet-proof vest,' Grandma said. 'She's gotta wear one of them on account of she's an important bounty hunter, and there's always people trying to kill her.'

  'There's not always people trying to kill her,' Lula said. 'Just sometimes... and this is one of them times,' she added.

  'Omigod!' Margaret said.

  My mother squelched a groan and made the sign of the cross.

  'The fudging vest wasn't in the fudging plan,' Sally said. 'What the fudge am I supposed to do with this? It's gonna fudging ruin the fudging line of the fudging gown.'

  'It's a flak vest, not a chastity belt,' I told him. 'It comes off.'

  'Cool,' he said.

  'You should chill,' Lula told him. 'You're gonna get a embolism you keep that up.'

  This is a fudging responsibility,' Sally said. 'I take my wedding planning seriously.' He took a gown off the rack and handed it over to me. This is yours,' he said.

  Now it was my turn to gape. 'What happened to pumpkin?'

  The other girls are wearing pumpkin. The maid of honor has to have a different color. This is eggplant.'

  Lula gave a burst of laughter and clapped her hand over her mouth.

  Eggplant. Great. As if pumpkin wasn't bad enough. I ripped my vest off and unlaced my shoes. 'Where do I go to try this on?'

  There's a dressing room through the pink doorway,' Sally said, leading the way, carrying Valerie's gown, staggering under the weight of it.

  Five minutes later we were all zipped up. Three pumpkins and an eggplant. And Valerie, who was wearing enough glaring white to make everyone snow-blind. Her breasts bulged out of the bodice neckline, and the back zipper valiantly struggled to hold the dress together. The skirt was bell-shaped, meant to disguise leftover baby fat. In actuality, the skirt emphasized her hips and ass.

  Valerie tottered over to the three-way mirror, took a look at herself, and shrieked.`I'm fat!' she yelled. 'My God, look at me. I'm a whale. A big white whale. Why didn't someone tell me? I can't go down the aisle like this. The aisle isn't even wide enough.'

  'It's not so bad,' my mother said, trying to smooth away the fat bulge at the waistline. 'All brides are beautiful. You just need to see yourself with the veil.'

  Maria came running with the veil, draping the gauze fabric over

  Val's eyes. 'See how much better it looks through the veil?' Maria said.

  'Yeah, and if you want to really feel better, you should get a load of Stephanie in the eggplant,' Lula said.

  It didn't seem that vegetable when we were looking at swatches,' Sally said, eyeing my gown.

  'She needs a different makeup palette,' Loretta said. 'Some eggplant on her eyes to balance the dress. And then some glitter under the brow to open the eye. And more blush.'

  'A lot more blush,' Lula said.

  'What am I doing getting married anyway?' Valerie said. 'Do I really want to get married?'

  'Of course you want to get married,' my mother said, the panic clear in her voice, her life flashing in front of her eyes.

  'Yes,' Valerie said. 'But do I want to get married to Albert?'

  'He's the father of your child. He's a lawyer, sort of. He's almost as tall as you.' My mother drew a blank after that and looked to

  Grandma for help.

  'He's cuddle umpkins,' Grandma said. 'And oogieboogie bear and all them things. What about that?'

  'I love this,' Lula said, big grin on her face. 'I thought I was gonna lose a thumb this afternoon, but here I am in the middle of cuddle umpkins' pumpkin patch.' Lula turned to Sally. 'What are you going to do? Does the wedding planner get to be an attendant, or something? Or do you just gotta be the wedding planner?'

  I'm singing,' Sally said. 'I have a lovely russet satin gown. I thought it would continue the fall theme.'

  'Maybe we should get the Trenton Times to cover this,' Lula said to me. 'Or MTV.'

  Maria had been jumping from one gown to the next, pinning and tucking. 'All done,' she said.

  Sally took me aside. 'You remember about the wedding shower, right? Friday night at the VFW hall.'

  'Sure. What time?'

  'Seven. And it's a surprise, so be careful what you say to Valerie.'

  'My lips are sealed.'

  'Let me see you make the zipper,' Grandma said. 'I always like when a person makes the zipper and throws the key away.'

  I zipped my lips, and I threw the key away.

  Lula swiveled in her seat. 'Rangers guys are still back there.'

  It was the second time I drove past the bar at the corner of Third and Laramie. Most of the street was residential, if you can call warehousing human misery in squalid brick cubes residential.

  There were no public parking lots, and curbside parking was nonexistent. Half the cars parked at the curb looked like they hadn't been moved in years.

  I double-parked directly in front of the bar, and Lula and I got out. I didn't bother to lock the Cayenne. Rangers men weren't going to let anything happen to his car. I had cuffs tucked into the back of my jeans. I was wearing the Kevlar vest under the sweatshirt.

  I had pepper spray in my pocket. Lula was half a step behind me, and I didn't ask what she was carrying. Best not to know.

  Heads turned when we entered the bar. This wasn't a place where women went voluntarily. We took a moment to allow our eyes to adjust to the dark interior. Four men at the bar, one bartender, a lone man sitting at a scarred round wood table. Jamil

  Rodriguez. He was easy to recognize from his photo. A medium-sized black man in a rhinestone do-rag. Cheesy mustache and goatee. A nasty scar etched into his cheek, looking like an acid burn.

  He slouched back in his chair. 'Ladies?'

  'You Jamil?' Lula asked.

  He nodded his head yes. 'You got business with me?'

  Lula looked at me and smiled. 'This fool thinks we're gonna buy some.'

  I pulled a chair up next to Rodriguez. 'Here's the thing, Jamil,' I said. 'You forgot to show up for court.' And I slapped a cuff on him.

  'You sit around and wait and good things come to you,'

  Rodriguez said. 'I been looking for a new thumb.' And he pulled a big Buck knife out of his pocket.

  The four guys at the bar were paying attention, waiting to see the show. They were young, and they looked hungry for action. I suspected they'd jump in when it was the right time.

  Lula pulled a gun out of her tiger-print stretch pants and leveled it at Rodriguez. And from the doorway there was the unmistakable ratchet of a sawed-off shotgun. I didn't recognize the guy in black, filling the doorway, but I knew he'd come from the SUV. Not hard to spot one of Rangers men. Big muscles, no neck, big gun, not much small talk.

  'You want to drop the knife,' I said to Rodriguez.

  Rodriguez narrowed his eyes. 'Make me.'

  Rangers man blasted a three-foot hole in the ceiling over

  Rodriguez and plaster flew everywhere.

  'Hey,' Lula said to Ranger's man. 'You want to watch it? I just had my hair done. I don't need no plaster in it. Next time just shoot a hole in this punk-ass loser, will you?'

  Ranger's man smiled at her.

  Minutes later, we had Rodriguez in the back seat of the

  Cayenne, cuffed and shackled, and we were on our way to the police station.

  'Did you see that hunk of burning love smile at me?' Lula said.

  'Was he hot, or what? Did you see the size of his gun? I'm telling you, I'm getting a flash. I could have a piece of that.'

  'How about a piece of this?' Rodriguez said.

  'You watch your mouth,' Lula said. 'You're close to being roadkill. We could throw you out and run over you, and nobody'd know the difference.'

&
nbsp; I took Third to State and headed south on State. I went one block, stopped for a light, and when the light changed, Harold

  Pancek passed me going in the opposite direction in his blue