Melancholia

  Being with him made me feel like a little girl, unsure and completely in the dark about what made boys tick and what they were thinking. The last thing I wanted to do was get all excited about being with him as more than friends and have him reject me outright. Better to just cruise along and wait for him to do something. That kiss at the party was like a million years ago, and so much had happened since, it was stupid to think we could just pick up where we’d left off. Right now was like starting from square one.

  “Are you ready to take a shift of driving?” Malcolm asked, yawning when he was done with his question.

  “Sure. Do you want to stop for lunch and we can trade then?”

  “Yeah, okay. There’s an exit in a mile. We can get off and find a grocery store. We’ll eat and change spots so I can get a nap. My eyes are having a hard time staying open.”

  After exiting the highway, I waited in the car as Malcolm went into the grocery store we found a mile down the road. As I sat in the hot vehicle, I wondered where we’d end up. Would it be an apartment or a house? In a city or the country? Or maybe the mountains? Would we have our own rooms? Imagining myself sleeping in the same bed as Malcolm made my whole body go warm from the inside. Now I was sweaty from the sun and my dreams. Dammit. Get your head out of the gutter, Rae! Sleeping with Malcolm should be the last thing on your mind.

  As if he’d heard me thinking out loud, he appeared at the front of the car, giving me a weird smile. I tried to calm my racing heart by breaking eye contact and focusing on opening his door for him from inside. I was in the driver’s seat now.

  “What’d you get?” I asked as he strapped himself in and we left the parking lot, headed back to the highway.

  “Sandwiches, water, juice, and Oreos.”

  I smiled. “I love Oreos.”

  “Me too. It’s my favorite cookie.”

  “Mine too! You’re the only one I’ve ever met who hasn’t said chocolate chip is their favorite.”

  “I won’t walk away from a chocolate chip, but Oreos are better. Two cookies and frosting. It’s like cookies and cake at the same time.”

  I grinned hugely. “I never thought about it like that, but I like it.”

  “Stick with me, Rae, I’ll turn you on to all kinds of things.”

  My grin stayed, but faltered. His choice of words had my pulse pounding so loud I could hear it in my ears. Just relax, Rae. He’s not making a move. He doesn’t feel that way about you. Just drive.

  I gripped the steering wheel really hard, pointing the car back onto the highway and taking the interstate sixty-five junction, headed north.

  Chapter Eighteen: Malcolm

  I COULDN’T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY said that. I’ll turn you on to all kinds of things. What am I? A perv?

  I tried to change the subject, talking about the benefits of eating turkey over ham. Like a runaway idiot train, I couldn’t seem to stop myself. Eventually she just responded by nodding her head, so I took the hint and finally got my mouth to shut up. As soon as I finished my food I put my head on the window and forced myself to go to sleep. Better to sleep and be oblivious to my own stupidity for a little while than be awake wallowing in it.

  I woke up a couple hours later with drool going down my cheek and a crick in my neck.

  “What time is it?” I asked, sitting up straighter and blinking my eyes a few times hard, trying to clear the sleep fuzziness away.

  “Almost four. We’re getting close to Illinois. I’ll bet we’re going to Chicago.”

  “Why do you say that?” I asked, staring at the highway I could finally see normally again. It looked mostly the same, maybe with more trees off to the sides.

  “I don’t know. I keep seeing signs for it. Like literal signs, not imaginary ones.”

  I scrubbed my face, trying to wake up.

  Rae glanced over at me and giggled. “Better fix your wig. You look a little demented.”

  I flipped the mirror down and gazed at my reflection in horror. I don’t think I’ve ever looked so down and out in my entire life. “What’s become of me?” I said, being overly theatrical on purpose. I was still feeling stupid about what I’d said to Rae earlier. Laughter was the distraction I was going for.

  She rewarded me with another giggle. “It is pretty awful. Luckily you have a handsome face.”

  The car got quiet again. I hated these awkward moments between us and wished we could get to know each other better so they wouldn’t happen anymore. But I’d spent my whole life pushing people away, so I had no idea how to get close to another human being. It was time to face facts: I am socially retarded.

  “Do you think we’ll have an apartment? If it’s in Chicago?”

  “Maybe. Or a hotel, possibly.”

  “Yeah, like one of those sleazy ones where the front desk guy wears a stained undershirt and smokes a cigar.”

  I smiled. “I think you’ve watched too many bad spy movies.”

  “Hey, we’re in a spy movie right now. I’ve been going over all the spy techniques I know, just in case we have to use them later.” She sounded serious.

  “Yeah, okay. Like what spy techniques?” This was going to be good. Rae is kinda goofy, but I liked it.

  “Code words, for one.”

  “Jasmine gave you some more, right? Why?”

  “To communicate with us. You heard her.”

  “But why just you?”

  “I don’t know. But I’ll tell them to you, if you want.”

  She opened her mouth to say them but I waved my hand in her face, cutting her off. When she looked over in confusion, I gave her a signal telling her to wait, and then I pointed to the GPS. Someone could listen in on our conversations, maybe, so it was probably better that she not say anything to me right now. She nodded, recognition dawning.

  “Just kidding,” she said. “It’s need to know, and you don’t need to know. So … um … the other things I was thinking about were like, not using cell phones that can be traced. My dad had a tracer on mine, so I know that’s real technology that can be used to find us.”

  “They gave us these phones, so they’re probably okay, right?” I picked one up and turned it over, wondering if I should pry the battery off and look behind it.

  “Yeah, of course.” Then she frowned at me and shrugged, like maybe her answer wasn’t a yes. If she was saying that maybe there would come a time that we would cut ourselves off from the Butts group, I was in complete agreement. In my mind, I owed allegiance to no one but Rae. And maybe Jasmine and Kootch, too, but they were a distant second to Rae.

  “Anything else?” I asked her.

  “Maybe. But you know, they’re top secret. Need to know.” She pointed to the GPS.

  “And I don’t need to know is that it?” I asked, winking at her.

  “Egggg-zactly.” She grinned at me.

  I know it’s stupid, but the idea that we had a secret together, something even the Butts group didn’t know, made me feel really happy inside. I knew that if the crap hit the fan at any point in this thing - this adventure or cluster fuck, I wasn’t sure which it was right now - I could count on Rae. And we needed to stick together, no matter what. Maybe later when we were safe and on our own we could decide whether to stay that way, but for now, we were better off together than apart. If she got caught up in some group trying to use her for her Rainbow power or whatever, I’d feel terrible about it. I might even be tempted to go save her, so it was better if we just didn’t get separated in the first place.

  “Rae.”

  “Yeah.”

  “I want to say something to you.”

  “Okaaay. I’m listening.” She glanced at me and then the GPS, worry creasing her face.

  “But I gotta take a leak first. Can you pull over for a minute? I won’t be long.”

  “Can’t you wait?” she asked, sounding confused.

  My spy tactics apparently needed work. “Nope. I have to go now. It’s pants wetting time if you get my drift.”

  She put on
the turn signal and pulled onto the shoulder. I got out, waving for her to join me.

  “I’m going to get out too, but I won’t watch, I promise,” she said, a little too loudly to sound natural.

  Whatever. I didn’t care if they knew we were talking out of earshot. I wasn’t even sure if they were listening to us or not, but I wanted to be cautious just in case.

  “What’s up?” she asked, coming up next to me. We were faced out into the trees, about ten feet away from the car.

  “I just wanted to say some stuff to you before, you know…”

  “Before what?”

  “Before we get to our destination. Before we find out what’s going on or before we have to use your killer spy skills or whatever.”

  She smiled. “Do you doubt my skills?”

  “Yeah, kinda. But anyway, I wanted to say that no matter what, I think we should stick together.”

  Her face turned a little pink and she looked at the ground.

  I continued, knowing I was probably burying myself in stupid, but feeling like I had to get it all out there once and for all. “I know you don’t know me, and I don’t know you that much either. I mean, we kissed and all, and that was awesome, believe me. But as a person, I don’t know you.”

  “Yeah, I get it.” She sounded sad.

  I took her hand. “But I want to know you. And I think … no I know that I really like you. I want to spend time with you and laugh at stuff with you and drive all over the damn country if I have to with you.”

  She looked up, her eyes a little shiny. “You do?”

  “Yeah. And I have a feeling that the crap is going to hit the fan soon, and when that happens, I’m going to be with you. I’m on your side. If we have to choose sides, I choose yours.”

  “I choose yours too,” she said, taking a step closer to me.

  I reached down and took her other hand. “I’m glad. I really am.”

  “You sound surprised.” She was looking up at me with those beautiful eyes of hers. Even with the silly wig and blood-red lipstick, she still blew me away. And that dimple couldn’t be hidden away under any disguise. I’d know Rae anywhere.

  “I guess I am surprised,” I admitted. “It’s just … in my whole life, girls have only liked me when they were really unhappy people. It’s impossible for me to love someone like that. Not really.”

  “What do you mean, ‘not really’?”

  I looked over her head for a few seconds, lost in memories. “I had a thing happen once.” I could still see the girls face and remember the last time I spoke to her.

  “Was it a girl? An old girlfriend?”

  I let out a big breath. “I don’t know. I guess. I thought I liked her. I let my guard down and kind of got close to this one girl. But it was a total disaster. A big mistake that she paid for. After it happened, I knew I could never be with another girl again.” I squeezed her fingers. “Until now.”

  She gulped visibly. “What happened to her?”

  I didn’t want to answer. I don’t even know why I brought it up. I guess I just wanted her to know that I don’t just fall for girls easily. I don’t let myself, and I swore to myself I never would again. Standing here, talking to Rae like this, allowing myself to feel these feelings … it was such a huge risk. I hoped I was making the right decision.

  I opened my mouth to answer her, but a voice cut me off. “Hey! What are you guys doing? Get in the car and keep driving!”

  “What the hell?” I said, staring at the car.

  “I knew they were listening to us,” said Rae in a low tone.

  “That’s kind of annoying,” I said, embarrassed that I’d almost just confessed one of my most awful secrets on the side of the road like that. Saved by the GPS man.

  “I liked the idea at first but now it’s just annoying,” she said.

  One of the cell phones rang.

  Rae sighed loudly. “Fine. We’ll continue this later.” She stood on tiptoes at the same time she pulled down on my hands, forcing me to bend over towards her. She kissed me right on the mouth, surprising me with her sudden boldness. “That’s for now. Later, when we’re alone, maybe we can do it better.” She grinned, her dimple sinking in deep.

  I couldn’t keep the goofy grin off my face. “Sounds fun.” Slick words escaped me, but she didn’t seem to care. She was smiling the whole way back to the car, even while she was grabbing the phone and turning it on.

  “Hello?” she answered.

  I watched as she nodded her head a few times.

  “Okay. Goodbye.” She got into the passenger seat. “Your turn. We have to drive. No more stopping, they said.”

  I went around the to the driver’s side, getting in and buckling up. We looked at each other for a few long seconds, both of us serious now. I nodded once at her and she nodded back. The message was clear. We’re a team and maybe something a little more, too. As soon as we were safe from the most immediate threat, we’d get started on finding out just how much more.

  I started the car and pulled out onto the highway, following the signs north.

  Chapter Nineteen: Rae

  I’D NEVER BEEN TO CHICAGO before today. Pulling into the city was like a totally surreal moment for me. The buildings started out shorter and more spread apart, but the closer we got to the main part of the city and out of the suburbs, the skyscrapers took over the views. There was glass and stone everywhere, with big trees and fountains mixed in to create the most amazing atmosphere. It was way better than I’d ever imagined.

  “You were right. It’s Chicago,” said Malcolm. “We have less than a mile left until our destination.”

  “It has to be an apartment,” I said. “There are no houses in this part of town.”

  “Yeah, you’re right. Or a hotel.”

  “I wonder how long we’re going to be here.” Maybe it would be long enough to discover the city a little bit. I hoped they weren’t planning to keep us locked up and out of sight the entire time we were here. The idea made me feel like an animal in the zoo. And that idea made me want to visit the zoo. I’d bet Chicago had an awesome one.

  “What’s wrong?” asked Malcolm, glancing at me for a second before turning his attention back to the traffic. It was late at night and dark, almost midnight.

  “Just wishing we could be tourists here. It’s so amazing.” It was surprising how much traffic there was on a Saturday night in the middle of the city. I watched a marble and glass building slide by as we crawled our way down the street. I couldn’t stop myself from putting my fingers on the window, wanting to reach out and touch it.

  “Yeah. But I doubt we’re going to be seeing much of this place. These disguises are too awful to work close up and in the daylight.”

  “Speak for yourself,” I said, puffing up the bottom of my wig. “I can totally pull this off in public.” I grinned.

  “Except for that hunk of brown hair hanging out on your forehead, maybe.” He smirked.

  I pulled the mirror down and saw that he was right. My bun under the wig was falling apart. “Oh well. We’re almost home now anyway.”

  Home. The word sounded so weird, considering where we were.

  The GPS voice came out over the car’s speaker. “You have reached your destination. Please take the envelope out from under the driver’s seat and follow the directions. Do not deviate from the plan. Keep your cell phones close. We’ll be in touch.” I couldn’t tell if the voice was pre-recorded or live. It had an almost robotic tone to it.

  Malcolm pulled over on the side of the road behind a parked SUV and put the car in park. After turning off the ignition, he reached under his seat and pulled out a manila envelope, handing it to me.

  I opened the flap and pulled out some papers. Dumping the envelope upside down made some keys fall out into my lap.

  “What’s it say?” asked Malcolm as I looked at the top page.

  I read it aloud:

  “You will be staying in the gray building on the north side of the street, numbe
r one-eight-one-nine. Ride the elevator to the tenth floor. Use the short, round key to open the elevator doors on that floor. Use the other key to open the door on that floor, Letter C. There’s food in the fridge for the next few days. Stay inside. Don’t let anyone in. Don’t speak to anyone. Don’t call anyone outside of the numbers pre-entered on the phones. Don’t make noise. We’ll be in touch.”

  “Does it say what to do with the car?” Malcolm asked, taking the top paper from me.

  I looked at the second paper. More instructions. “Directions for the car. Drive around to the next block to find the entrance to the underground parking garage for the building. Park the car in space number four-four-two. Leave the keys in the apartment on the kitchen counter. Do not drive the car anywhere. Stay in the apartment until you are contacted.”

  “I guess that answers my question,” said Malcolm, handing the first sheet back to me. “Do you see which direction I have to go to get to the parking garage?”

  “I think it was back there,” I said, pointing to where we’d just come from.

  “I’m going to park the car now, unless you want to go up first,” he said, his hand poised on the keys in the ignition.

  “No, go park. We’ll stay together.” His responding smile warmed me to my toes. No way did I want to be alone without him in this big city, even for a minute. I was glad he was okay with that and didn’t treat me like a weenie, even though I was probably acting like one.

  Malcolm pulled out into traffic and made his way around the block, getting a little sidetracked with the one-way streets. We passed a really cool looking sushi place, which reminded me that I hadn’t had any of my favorite food in a long time. When I was with my parents, they sometimes got some sushi to-go so I could indulge in my craving for the stuff at home. It was the one meal my mother couldn’t make, and sitting in a restaurant was never an option for me when I was with them. It was so unfair we were banned from going outside. I frowned as it went by my window. The restaurant was crowded, telling me they had awesome sushi. I could already picture a glob of green wasabi paste floating in soy sauce…