Celeste

  With my head bowed. I entered the house. I heard the melodic tinkle of one of Mommy's antique music boxes. and I walked slowly to the dining room doorway because it was coming from there. When I looked in, I felt the breath go out of my lungs. The room was decorated with crepe paper and with balloons, and sprawled in paper letters across the mirror were the words HAPPY BIRTHDAY, NOBLE.

  Mommy appeared in the doorway to the kitchen. She wore an apron, and she looked very pretty with her hair brushed and pinned neatly. She wore lipstick, and she wore one of her nicest dresses, the light blue one with the sequin collar. The table was set.

  "I told you I would do something special for you," she said.

  I was stunned. I had forgotten it was my birthday. How could I?

  "Remember that music box?" she said, nodding at the ivory box embossed with a seahorse in black. "My great-grandfather bought it in New York City for my great-grandmother Elsie. Recognize the tune? I play it from time to time on the piano."

  "Yes," I said in a small voice. " 'Eine Kleine Nacht-musik' by Mozart." I said.

  She blinked rapidly and then smiled.

  "Yes. I would never guess you'd remember that. You were never good at remembering the music. Noble. How wonderful. I guess you are becoming a charming little gentleman. Go put on something nice for dinner and let's celebrate," she said. "I'm making your favorite meal, rack of lamb with mint jelly," she said and returned to the kitchen.

  I stood there looking at the table and the birthday greeting. The music box played on. It tapped a new well of tears inside me. Before Mommy could see me crying, I turned and hurried upstairs.

  I couldn't break her heart. I just couldn't.

  I showered and then dressed in a nice shirt and pair of pants. Even after all that. I was unable to stop the trembling. I saw it in my fingers when I went to button my shirt. Every once in a while I had to fight off an urge to cry, and swallow back what felt like a ball of hard candy in my throat. When I went downstairs. Mommy was waiting at the table. She looked at me expectantly and gazed about the room.

  "Well?" she asked.

  I knew what she wanted me to say. She wanted me to say I saw Daddy.

  "He promised," she added, almost in a whisper.

  I forced a smile, took a deep breath, and slowly panned the room, pausing when I reached her. Then I widened my smile. Mommy put her right hand on her left shoulder as if she was covering Daddy's.

  "Happy birthday, dear Noble," Mommy said. "From both of us."

  I stared. Was he there? Did I see him? Was he as young as I remembered? How desperately I needed him.

  "Isn't it wonderful?" Mommy asked. "To be together again like this?"

  I nodded,

  "Now you sit down. Noble. I want you to enjoy every moment. I mean we both want you to enjoy every moment. I have your favorite cake, too, and afterward, there is a big surprise waiting for you in the living room," she said.

  I turned to look back through the doorway.

  "No, no, you have to wait. Patience. All good things come to those with patience," she said and rose.

  I sat at the table and stared ahead.

  "Are you there. Daddy?" I whispered. "Show me. please. Touch me, speak to me. please." I pleaded.

  I closed my eyes and prayed.

  And I did think I felt him beside me, touching my shoulder. I waited, and then I felt his lips on my cheek.

  "Happy birthday," I heard and snapped my eves open. I turned quickly. but he wasn't there. I hadn't seen him. Perhaps I had lost any chance to ever see him.

  Mommy entered with our food and stopped to look at me. "Everything all right?" she asked.

  "Yes," I said quickly.

  "As it should be," she said. "As it should be."

  It was a wonderful dinner, and the cake was delicious. Despite the swirling ball of sadness that lingered in my stomach. I ate well. Mommy talked about so many things that she wanted us to do about the farm.

  "I want a better, bigger garden. and I'm going to sell some of my herbs to Mr. Bogart. He has customers. I can make a handy amount of money for us. I want you to have new clothes, and I'm thinking of getting some new things for myself as well. Most of all. Noble. I'm getting us a new car. You're going to learn how to drive, too. Now, with this birthday, you're eligible for that, you know. I can't wait to begin to teach you how to drive," she said.

  How wonderful it all sounded. If I got my license. I could go places. This world would no longer be shrinking for me. Surely she meant for that to happen. How could I say one word to discourage her or depress her? We must both be happy. I thought. We must.

  After the dinner was over and we had eaten the cake, she declared it was time to go into the living room to see my surprise. Whatever it was, it was giftwrapped and left on the floor. The shape of it confused me.

  "Go on. Noble," Mommy said. "Open it." I started to take it apart neatly.

  "Just rip it open." she said and I did. I stared down at a chain saw.

  "You're old enough to handle that sort of thing now. and we needed a new one, but one small enough for you to handle

  Mommy said. "You'll be able to cut firewood for us, harvest our woods. Of course, you'll have to be very. very careful. There is an instruction book in there. too. I want you to follow the rules and procedures exactly. Well? I guess you're too overwhelmed to speak. I know how much you like things with engines, how you like to ride our mower and how much you loved your electric trains."

  I continued to stare at it.

  I wanted to think of it as Noble would. I wanted to be as excited as he would be. but I couldn't do it. All I could do for Mommy was smile and look at the booklet.

  "My little man," she said and came over to kiss me on the forehead.

  "I'm going to clean up. Read the booklet," she told me and left me.

  I felt like I was turning inside out. I didn't want chain saws. I wanted jewelry and new clothes. I wanted a radio for my room. I wanted to know about the music they had talked about in Elliot's car. I wanted a television set. I wanted to have my own phone, but more important. I wanted friends to call. I wanted a birthday card that said. "I've registered you for public school. Happy birthday."

  But I would have none of that. Not for a long time, maybe not forever now, I thought.

  I sat staring at the window because I could see myself reflected.

  Now who was I? I wondered.

  Now that what has happened, happened, who could I be? Maybe I'm nobody.

  Maybe I'm one of Mommy's spirits, and I don't exist.

  Maybe it was I who had fallen off the rock and who had died in the stream.

  Mommy came back and sat at her piano. She called to me to sit beside her. and Eke a tired ghost. I rose and went to her. I really felt like I was floating.

  Her fingers danced on the keys. The melody flowed. Mommy nodded at the windows.

  "They've all gathered to listen." she said.

  I looked but saw nothing. She was so sure of it.

  Were they there, and were they happy that I had kept their secret?

  Now I wondered, how long could I?

  16

  "Who Pushed Me?"

  .

  I was trembling almost as soon as I had woken

  the followinc, morning. Never was the tick of the small clock on the nightstand by my bed as loud. I wished I could somehow reach up and stop the sun from moving across the sky. If I froze time. I would not have to face the decision that I soon could not avoid. Fortunately. Mommy was so excited about all the new things she was going to do, she didn't notice how distracted I was, nor how quiet I was being at breakfast. She ran on and on about what she was planning to do all day. and then she surprised me by offering to take me along.

  "Especially to look at new cars. I know how much you're going to be interested in all that. Noble," she said.

  Panic, like a Ping-Pang ball, began to bounce about in my stomach. If I went with her. I would riot be able to meet Elliot, and he would surely f
ollow through on his threats. I had no idea yet what I would do when I did meet him. I raked up every scattered thought in my brain to put together ideas, ways to get away from him and yet stop him from hurting Mommy and me. I thought I might offer him money. I didn't know how much to offer. but I decided I would start with a thousand dollars, which to me was a fortune. I would find ways to get him some

  periodically until I reached that amount. Surely that would keep him satisfied and quiet for a long time. I thought. He needed money for his car, didn't he? It was worth a try.

  "Oh," I told Mommy. "I was hoping to use my chain saw far the first time."

  She stopped and smiled.

  "Of course you were," she said. "How foolish of me to give you something so exciting for you and then suggest you put it off to go on shopping errands. I'm very happy that's more important to you. Noble. We can look for a car another day. I have to see Mr. Bogart and do some other things that would only bore you. You'd be on pins and needles waiting to get home. You just go about your business," she told me, and I breathed easier.

  She didn't leave until after lunch, and when I watched her drive off. I stood trembling. Never had I kept so many secrets from her. Every time she called my name or appeared. I expected her to reveal she knew, she had been told. I was holding my breath so much. I was sure I looked red in the face most of the time.

  Her car disappeared around the turn at the driveway, and I was alone. The clocks ticked on. My confrontation with Elliot was only hours away. Think, think, think. I told myself. You have to bring this to a quick end. Distraught and feeling helpless, I decided to go to the little cemetery to pray for guidance, to pray for some sign. to pray for Daddy to come to me, to help me.

  A partly cloudy sky made the granite tombstones darker. I stood where I knew my brother's body lay. Was his spirit in limbo, just waiting to see what I would do. how I would affect all our destinies? I hated to have all this responsibility. If Mommy only knew how both of us, all of us, tottered at the edge of some great dark hole into which we could fall and disappear, she would be in so much panic.

  "Help me. Daddy," I pleaded. "Tell me what to do. Please, please."

  I bowed my head. and I waited and hoped. Then I stepped forward as I had seen Mommy do so often. and I touched the embossed hands on Infant Jordan's stone. I kept my eyes closed, and I concentrated with all my powers. It did seem to me that the hands moved. I snapped open my eyes and looked at them. The breeze, although warm, grew stronger and stronger. It swirled around me, and then I thought I heard Daddy's voice in the wind that flew through the frees and over the house.

  "Be patient," he said. "Be confident. All will be well. Never tell your mother any of this. Follow your heart. Promise. Promise me."

  "Yes. Daddy," I whispered. "Yes. I promise."

  The gust of wind that had come so suddenly just as suddenly stopped. The branches of the trees that had been waving were still again. In fact, it seemed as though the whole world was holding its breath and not just me. I sucked in mine, touched the tombstone once more, and left the little cemetery.

  Of course. I had no intention or real desire to use the new chain saw, but I read the booklet and then followed the directions to start it so that Mommy would see I had tried it. It frightened me, and it was heavier than I thought, I closed my eyes, and when I put it on a fallen dead log, it bounced and nearly flew out of my hands.

  By then. I noticed the time. I had to go to meet Elliot. I put the chain saw aside and started for what had once been my wonderful, special place. All this was my fault. There was no way to avoid admitting that. I had let something evil take me over, and now I was suffering the consequences.

  As I trekked through the forest, I rehearsed what I would say. how I would make my offer. In the pocket of my jeans, I had two crisp fifty-dollar bills Daddy had given me a long time ago. They were brand-new bills. Along with it. I had another amulet. It was a red coral Mommy had given me last year. I would offer it to him as well. Surely, I thought, Elliot would be impressed.

  When I stepped out of the clump of trees and gazed at my spot by the pine, I first thought he was not yet there. For a few moments. I considered the possibility that he had already decided to expose me and Mommy and he had no interest in seeing me again. He had taken what he wanted from me. He would be a big hero in the school, after all, and even after only knowing him a little. I understood how important that was to him. It was difficult for me because I had mixed emotions about it. I didn't want to see him again, but I didn't want him to betray me. What he had done to me had left me feeling violated, and yet, it had further opened an otherwise forbidden door through which I had glimpsed another world,

  Suddenly I saw a movement at the base of the pine tree, and then I saw Elliot's red hair. He shifted and leaned forward enough to see me. He smiled. and I also saw a trail of smoke rise and drift into the breeze.

  "Right on time," he said. "Lucky for you. I wasn't going to give you a minute. I don't want you to ever keep me waiting," he added.

  I stepped forward and saw he was lying on a dark green blanket.

  "What are you standing there for? Get over here," he commanded.

  Slowly. I walked toward him. He puffed on his cigarette. which I could now see and smell was his marijuana. He ran his hand over the blanket.

  "Why not be comfortable, huh?" he said. I stood there looking down at him.

  "Did you tell all your friends about me?" I immediately asked,

  "If I had. would I be here?" he countered. "And if I had, believe me, you and your mother would know it by now. I don't welsh on a bargain." he said. You promised me something, and I promised you something."

  "I didn't promise anything."

  "Yes," he said, smiling and puffing. "You did, whether you like it or not."

  "Elliot. I can give you money," I blurted.

  "Money? What kind of money?"

  "I can give you a thousand dollars if you'll swear to leave me alone and not tell anyone about me. Look," I said pulling the two fifties out of my pocket to show him. "I have some of it here right now,"

  He puffed on his joint and stared. Then he smiled.

  "I didn't know you could get your hands on money. too. That's great. Sure. I'll take your money, but that doesn't mean I don't want anything else," he added.

  "What do you mean? If I promise to give you so much money, isn't that a bargain?"

  He shook his head and looked more closely at my two crisp bills.

  "It's not enough." he said.

  "I can get more, but not right away. I'll give you as much as one thousand dollars," I added quickly, "Ill have to give it to you as I get it."

  "Oh, you will anyway." he said. "Give me the two fifties!" he demanded and held out his hand. "C'mon, hand it over."

  "But what will you promise?"

  "Not to tell," he said. I hesitated. "Well, you want me to tell?"

  I gave him the money. He folded the bills and stuck them into his pants pocket.

  "Perfect," he said.

  "I have something else for you if you'll promise to leave me be." I said, fingering the amulet in my pocket. I didn't like giving it away. It was something Mommy had bought for me. but I thought she would approve if she knew why I was doing it.

  "What?"

  "This," I said and showed him the red coral amulet. He grimaced.

  "What's that?"

  "Its a spiritual gift. It's red coral and it has powers. If you wear it all the time, it will make you courageous, improve your memory, calm your emotions, give you peace of mind, and prevent tension that can cause heart trouble," I recited just as Mommy had recited to me. "It s very, very valuable. Elliot,"

  He continued to grimace. "You believe in all that?"

  "I know s true." I said. He shrugged and reached for it.

  "Maybe I'll give it to Harmony." he said. "I'll tell her it cost a lot. But I'd rather have money. understand."

  "Yes. I'll try to get you more soon," I promised and started to
turn away.

  "Hey, where do you think you're going?"

  "I've got to get home." I said,

  "Not quite yet." he said. "Get yourself back here right now. Now!" he commanded.

  "Can't you leave me alone?" I pleaded. What did Daddy mean when he whispered to me in the wind? How could I be patient under such

  circumstances? Did I imagine his voice again?

  "No. I can't leave you alone, and you don't want me to," Elliot said. smiling. He leaned back on his rolled-up jacket he was using as a pillow and inhaled more of his marijuana. "All right.'' he said. "Take off your clothes again."

  "What?"

  "You heard me. Do it."

  I started to shake my head.

  "Do it and do it right there. Don't start acting modest or something and turn your back on me either. I know what you have hidden. Go ahead. start. I don't have all day."

  I closed my eyes and bit down on my lower lip so hard. I could taste blood.

  "If you're a good girl-boy,Ill let you puff on a joint later," he promised.

  I shook my head.

  "I don't want to puff on a joint."

  "What you want and don't want is not important. Get started," he said. "Now. or I'm off to the local newspapers and radio station. They might even pay me for the story, you know," he said smiling. "Sure. I bet I could make a lot more than your promised thousand dollars. which I might never see." He looked serious. "Maybe I should just forget it and leave. Is that what you want?"

  I felt like I was sinking in the earth, felt like it had opened and I was slowly descending. I wished it was so. I wished I could disappear forever.

  "No," I said.

  "Okay. Then ask me to stay, Say. Please stay. Elliot. Go on. Ask."

  He put his hands down to push himself up, threatening to leave and do what he said. Go to the newspapers and to the radio stations.

  "Please stay. Elliot." I said quickly.

  All right. That's better. Start with that shirt. I want to see you take off that contraption and unwrap those boobs again. Go on. Start!"

  I thought about just running off, but what would that accomplish? Apparently, he hadn't told anyone. He was right. If he had, we would have known by now. At least for a while. I rationalized. I was keeping us safe, and wasn't that really what Mommy wanted? For us to be safe?